Paddy

[Old Koreelah]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

 

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

 

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

 

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

 

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

 

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

 

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the

 

feckin thing up.

 

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her

 

contractions are only two minutes apart!"

 

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

 

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

 

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Paddy goes to the doctor with a bad back.

 

"How did you get it?" asks the Doctor.

 

"Having s*x doggy style!" says Paddy.

 

"Why not have s*x the normal way?" asks Doctor.

 

"I have" says Paddy "but the dog keeps licking my face!"

 

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Paddy was driving home, p*ssed as a newt, suddenly he has to swerve to

 

avoid a tree, then another, then another.

 

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

 

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

 

Cop says "For feck sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

 

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

 

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

 

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

 

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

 

"Here boy" he replies.

 

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

 

feet.

 

"What the feck you doing?" he asks.

 

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

 

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

 

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't feckin breathe".