Funny ATC stories!

[pilotdave69]

Hey all,

 

While this weather might be holding back some flying!! Apart from all the commercial jets.. Maybe some people could share some funny stories they have been involved in or heard on radio scanner..

 

If you want to keep the rego out or flight numbers, that of course is fine.. dont want to upset anyone.

 

Who has a beauty to start with!

 

Dave

 

 

[motzartmerv]

Hehe...

 

"jabiru xxxx, your cleared to become airbourne jaspers brush, track to and operate north of shoal heads, south of gerroa, east of the train line and west of the coast. Not above 2000"

 

Pilot (who may or may not have been me) replies..

 

"cleared to do all that stuff you just said..

 

 

 

[motzartmerv]

Oh, got another one..

 

ATC " jabiru xxxx, we have an aircraft inbound on the ILS, If you could remain 3 miles off the coast not above 3000 or west of the train line not above 2000, your choice, advise"

 

Jabiru replies "umm, we will take west of the train line due hatred of sharks"

 

 

 

[FlyingVizsla]

There was a great page in Australian Aviation called "On the Airbands" which related funny stories heard on the radio. It ended up being canned because CASA was putting the heavies on people demanding to know who / what / where / when so they could prosecute. Even de-identifying didn't help as they pressured the editor of the column for details. Some of the stories were rip-snorters and I was very sorry to see it go. If I find some old editions I will retell some of sorties. This is also the reason we are reading about ancient events in the Flight Safety magazine, things beginning with, "back in the early 1970's ....." The earlier editions were a much better read from a safety / currency perspective.

 

Sue (off to raid the shelves for old mags)

 

 

[Guest Howard Hughes]

Me one Christmas day: "All I want for Christmas is runway zero niner"

 

ATC: "Zero niner not available expect one six"

 

Unknown: "Bah humbug"

 

Also unknown: "Scrooge"

 

 

[pilotdave69]

These are fantastic guys.. well done. great humour.

 

Story heard many years ago on an old ATC freq 127.3

 

 

Also was published in “ On the Airbands “ by a good friend.

 

 

A NRL footy game was being played this particular day and I guess a lot of people missing out on the game whether it be passengers or pilots, or even ATC controllers.

 

 

It goes something like this. REGO numbers not real

 

 

Qantas 1 - Melbourne Center would you happen to have the latest football scores please

 

 

Melb C – Qantas 1 yes they are …..

 

 

Qantas 1 – Thanks Melbourne Center appreciate this, passengers will also be very happy.

 

 

Ah New Zealand 46 – Melbourne Centre could you please repeat those results please as we had missed them.

 

 

Melb C - NZ 46, yes they are again ….

 

 

NZ 46 - Thanks for that.

 

 

Ansett 123 (yes it was that long ago) .. Melbourne Centre, really sorry for this, could you please repeat those results again.

 

 

Melb Center – Ok everyone, if I have to mention these scores one more time, my fellow workers are going to beat the hell out of me!

 

 

I will now say. The silence was deafening. I thought it was one of the best I have ever heard.

 

 

[Foto_Flyer]

Overheard recently between the tower and a single engined GA training aircraft: (call signs changed)

 

Tower: Alpha Bravo Charlie, cleared to land one zero left

 

ABC: Cleared to land one zero left, request asymmetric approach

 

Tower: Ah, Alpha Bravo Charlie, confirm you would like an asymmetric approach?

 

ABC: Affirm

 

Tower: Are you sure you would like an asymmetric approach?

 

ABC: Yes, that is correct!

 

Tower: Um, OK, Alpha Bravo Charlie, asymmetrics approved, cleared to land one zero left, this should be interesting!

 

It was about now that our hapless instructor realised that he wasn't in a twin! Very embarrassed he was!

 

 

[Ian Sugden]

Foto_Flyer, thats a doozie.

 

Keep the stories comming guys, they are great

 

 

[flying dog]

Extract from an SR-71 story I have as an e-mail:

 

One day, high above Arizona , we were monitoring

 

 

 

 

 

the radio traffic, of all the mortal airplanes below us.

 

 

 

 

 

First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers

 

 

 

 

 

to check his ground speed. 'Ninety knots,' ATC replied.

 

 

 

 

 

A Bonanza soon made the same request.

 

 

 

 

 

'One-twenty on the ground,' was the reply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio, with a

 

 

 

 

 

ground speed check.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I knew exactly what he was doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit,

 

 

 

 

 

but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley,

 

 

 

 

 

know what real speed was, 'Dusty 52, we show you at 620

 

 

 

 

 

on the ground,' ATC responded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The situation was too ripe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I heard the click of Walt's mike button in the rear seat.

 

 

 

 

 

In his most innocent voice, Walt startled the controller

 

 

 

 

 

by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet,

 

 

 

 

 

clearly above controlled airspace.

 

 

 

 

 

In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied,

 

 

 

 

 

'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.'

 

 

 

 

 

We did not hear another transmission on that

 

 

 

 

 

frequency, all the way to the coast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[icebob]

On night flying training HMAS Melbourne 1974.

 

Background - approch is assised to the deck via a mirror and an orange ball(set of lights).

 

"Shark 16, on final" - hook down, flaps and wheels down".

 

"shark 16 you are number two".

 

"Shark 16 ball in sight"

 

"shark 16 you are on the glidepath on centre line"

 

" Shark 16 ------ oh bugger I have dropped my balls"

 

Melbourns controllers responce" yes you sound casterated to me too"

 

 

[turboplanner]

Maybe you could post the whole story FD - that was some aircraft. I liked the part about the raid on Libya.

 

 

[Stewart J]

A number of years ago there was private African game reserve on a cattle station in the NT.

 

The fella employed to look after the animals was from South Africa and one day, was out in a microlight checking on some of the animals.

 

He'd been in contact with a helicopter muster pilot in the area and obviously overheard from on high....

 

" Hello down there, this is Qantas Flight QF_____ Sydney to Singapore, what's happening in your day?"

 

and in a distinct South African accent came the reply,

 

" Well, actually I'm just down here looking for a couple of Giraffe"

 

Silence.

 

Nothing more was heard from the Qantas Jumbo, but you can just imagine the pilot, after hearing that, turning to the navigator and asking,

 

"Just how strong WAS that tail wind we picked up out of Sydney???"

 

 

[flying dog]

Turbo,

 

I have since been told it is a bit of a wive's tale, and has been around the traps.

 

The original one is an e-mail with piccies. A bit of a tribute to the SR 71

 

 

[bones]

ABC: Cleared to land one zero left, request asymmetric approach

Ok this is probably gonna make me sound like knob, but what is a "asymmetric approach"

 

 

[turboplanner]

Coming in with one wing dragging/with one engine out

 

 

[dazza 38]

Ok this is probably gonna make me sound like knob, but what is a "asymmetric approach"

Hi Bones, it is done with a A/c with two or more engines.It is simulating, a landing with one engine at idle to simulate a engine failure. We lost a RAAF 707, doing asymmetric, training in Port Phillip bay.They put both engines on the same wing, to flight idle, at the same time, My understanding of the particular 707 case, is that it wasnt approved to pull both engines on the same wing at the same time.The chances of two engines failing at the exact same time, on the same wing, is virtually impossible anyway they did it, yaw rate wasnt /couldnt be corrected by full opposite Rudder.Nearly lost a herc, the same way.

 

 

[dazza 38]

we typing at the same time turbo.

 

 

[bones]

Thought it might have been, but you know the saying the only dumb question!!!!!!

 

Thanks guys

 

 

[turboplanner]

Chat Room's out.

 

FD you can never be sure these days. With photoshop around it's a wonder we haven't seen one in Red Square

 

 

[Guest ozzie]

Another one that has been around for a bit.

 

bankrunner at night. "f@@@ i'm bored". ATC "aircraft last transmit say call sign". BR, "i said i'm bored, not stupid"

 

 

[flying dog]

Would anyone mind if I tried to put the e-mail of the SR-71 here?

 

Dunno how I would do it, but..... I can hope/try.