Ponderisms

[Guest thrasher]

PONDERISMS

 

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

*Gardening Rule; When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

*The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

* Never take life seriously, Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

* There are two kinds of pedestrians; the quick and the dead.

 

* Life is sexually transmitted.

 

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

*Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.

 

*Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

 

*Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

* In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal!

 

*How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

 

* Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

 

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

*If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

 

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?