How to start a Fight

[kgwilson]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

 

Christmas gift...

 

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

 

When she asked me why, I replied,

 

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.....

 

______________________________

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

 

in bed.

 

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

 

'No,' she answered. I then said,

 

'Is that your final answer?'

 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And that's when the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and

 

she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at

 

a nearby table.

 

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

 

"Yes", she sighed,

 

"He's my old boyfriend.. I understand he took to drinking right after we

 

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that

 

long?"

 

And then the fight started...

 

_______________________________

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

 

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to

 

take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something

 

more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her

 

point.

 

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

 

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched

 

silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only

 

a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,

 

"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the

 

driveway."

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

________________________________

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

 

She asked, "What's on TV?"

 

I said, "Dust."

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

 

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and

 

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing

 

50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and

 

discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the

 

house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my

 

wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The

 

weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid

 

husband is out fishing in that?"

 

And that's how the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

 

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

 

seconds."

 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

And then the fight started......

 

________________________________

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

 

Security.

 

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licence to verify

 

my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at

 

home.

 

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and

 

come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

 

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and

 

she processed my Social Security application..

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

 

Social Security office...

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

 

disability, too.'

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

 

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I

 

look old, fat and ugly.

 

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 

And then the fight started...

 

 

[farri]

[blueshed]