For the Auster pilots

[IanR]

Came across this the other day

 

You know it's an Auster when :-

 

people on the ground mistake the aircraft for a kite.

 

the pilot says he's worried because his aircraft ISN'T leaking any oil.

 

ATC asks the pilot to report his position and it's the same report he gave 15 minutes ago.

 

you are charged with five landing fees but you've only visited the place once.

 

the tower requests you to increase your speed in the circuit- and you can't.

 

the longest leg on a trip is determined not by the amount of fuel in the tanks, but by the amount of padding in the pilot's backside.

 

the pilot describes a ground loop as a normal aerobatic manoeuvre.

 

the landing roll is completed before its even reached the runway numbers.

 

the pilot complains he can't read the compass because the mirror's broken.

 

the engineer charges $50 for calibrating the instruments, and $800 for changing the bungees.

 

the pilot enters his ETA on the flight plan as "Wednesday".

 

your car costs more than your aeroplane.

 

the pilot mistakes the local aero modeller's airstrip for the real thing.

 

the glider pilot behind you releases the tow rope because he figures he can climb faster without the tug.

 

every place you've landed has an oil spot on the tarmac.

 

the Air Force pilot sent out to intercept you decides to configure his targeting computer for a stationary object.

 

you slow down for your final approach, and the Cessna-driver sitting alongside you glances at the airspeed indicator, turns white, and starts praying.

 

you make an error of navigation, and instead of Violating Controlled Airspace, you just irritate it a little.

 

you're charged with polluting the airfield, and the engine wasn't even running.

 

the pilot reports turning downwind and the tower controller sets his alarm clock to remind himself to issue a landing clearance.

 

the pilot thinks his carbon footprint is the puddle his aircraft leaves on the hard standing.

 

CAA charges you with low flying and your defence is that you were operating at your service ceiling.

 

40 apparently identical aeroplanes turn up at a fly-in but no two of them are the same model.

 

 

[pudestcon]

Came across this the other dayYou know it's an Auster when :-

 

people on the ground mistake the aircraft for a kite.

 

the pilot says he's worried because his aircraft ISN'T leaking any oil.

 

ATC asks the pilot to report his position and it's the same report he gave 15 minutes ago.

 

you are charged with five landing fees but you've only visited the place once.

 

the tower requests you to increase your speed in the circuit- and you can't.

 

the longest leg on a trip is determined not by the amount of fuel in the tanks, but by the amount of padding in the pilot's backside.

 

the pilot describes a ground loop as a normal aerobatic manoeuvre.

 

the landing roll is completed before its even reached the runway numbers.

 

the pilot complains he can't read the compass because the mirror's broken.

 

the engineer charges $50 for calibrating the instruments, and $800 for changing the bungees.

 

the pilot enters his ETA on the flight plan as "Wednesday".

 

your car costs more than your aeroplane.

 

the pilot mistakes the local aero modeller's airstrip for the real thing.

 

the glider pilot behind you releases the tow rope because he figures he can climb faster without the tug.

 

every place you've landed has an oil spot on the tarmac.

 

the Air Force pilot sent out to intercept you decides to configure his targeting computer for a stationary object.

 

you slow down for your final approach, and the Cessna-driver sitting alongside you glances at the airspeed indicator, turns white, and starts praying.

 

you make an error of navigation, and instead of Violating Controlled Airspace, you just irritate it a little.

 

you're charged with polluting the airfield, and the engine wasn't even running.

 

the pilot reports turning downwind and the tower controller sets his alarm clock to remind himself to issue a landing clearance.

 

the pilot thinks his carbon footprint is the puddle his aircraft leaves on the hard standing.

 

CAA charges you with low flying and your defence is that you were operating at your service ceiling.

 

40 apparently identical aeroplanes turn up at a fly-in but no two of them are the same model.

Jeez, if I didn't know you were talking about Austers, I would have said "Thrusters for sure"!!

 

Pud

 

 

[planedriver]

Don't bother reading the original post Kaz, we all know you love your baby, and we don't want to see tears in your eyes.

 

It's really only a joke---------------------I THINK:question:

 

 

[naremman]

Kaz and Louis might need a pressure relief valve on their aortic arches!!

 

Had a mate with a Auster J2 who sold his farm and relocated his Arrow to Jandakot in days before the parallel runway. On a Sunday afternoon ventured out to do a few circuits and was oblivious the the bedlam he created. The tower closed at 6pm, and a couple of the controllers had said Auster driver in the corner of the Royal Aero Club bar determinably establishing some mutaully agreeable rules for future operations. 45 Knot finals into the Fremantle Doctor were to be never repeated!!

 

 

[Guernsey]

Must have the wrong aircraft???? It was probably the French Austere with an accent over the first 'e'. .

 

Monsier Alaine Marriette du Guernsey.

 

 

[kaz3g]

Kaz and Louis might need a pressure relief valve on their aortic arches!!Had a mate with a Auster J2 who sold his farm and relocated his Arrow to Jandakot in days before the parallel runway. On a Sunday afternoon ventured out to do a few circuits and was oblivious the the bedlam he created. The tower closed at 6pm, and a couple of the controllers had said Auster driver in the corner of the Royal Aero Club bar determinably establishing some mutaully agreeable rules for future operations. 45 Knot finals into the Fremantle Doctor were to be never repeated!!

45knots? Must have been in a hurry!

 

Kaz

 

 

[kaz3g]

Don't bother reading the original post Kaz, we all know you love your baby, and we don't want to see tears in your eyes.It's really only a joke---------------------I THINK:question:

Only the non-Auster drivers will find this funny... The real ones will weep at this revelation of the truth!

 

But:

 

Who other than Tiger drivers can fly backwards in a 30 knot wind;

 

Can check there is oil in the engine without leaving the cockpit;

 

Do their 90 day check in one circuit;

 

Keep the tower so occupied with chat about the aircraft they forget to growl about the rusty read back;

 

Doesnt everyone swap ends when they land so they can check on the following aircraft;

 

Then it wasn't the compass that broke;

 

Flight plan... What's a flight plan;

 

How do you know what I paid for my car;

 

The Cessna pilots are too busy trying to work out how to use that rudder thingy to be scared;

 

ATC are too busy reminiscing to be worried about a small deviation on a road map; and

 

Like kids in a family, they might have their differences but they are all much loved!!!

 

Kaz

 

Kaz

 

 

[IanR]

Funny thing is despite all this I am actually looking for a good Auster !! A friend emailed me with the following - not sure what he was getting at :

 

I still think that Austers with Gypsies are something that only a mother would love

 

 

[Guernsey]

There's nothing wrong with those Gypsies, they powered a lot of aircraft in their day from singles, twins and four engined aircraft, so I'm not sure either as to what he is getting at.

 

Alan.

 

 

[kaz3g]

There's nothing wrong with those Gypsies, they powered a lot of aircraft in their day from singles, twins and four engined aircraft, so I'm not sure either as to what he is getting at.

I wonder how fast they had to peddle to get an aircraft into the air?

 

Kaz:-)

 

 

[Virago]

You know, quite a few of those items on the list are TRUE! I haven't flown an Auster since 1974 but I remember all too well:

 

1/. Descending when I was supposed to be climbing (with a glider in tow).

 

2/. Multiple landings off the one approach.

 

3/. Touching down at 28 Kts.

 

4/. What about trying to operate that darn flap lever ... guaranteed to put your shoulder out every time and

 

5/. That #$@%*& steel bar across the lumbar region of the seat back ... if you don't have a crook back when you get in ... you'll sure have one when you get out!! Come to think of it ... my back's still crook! John.

 

 

[Guernsey]

I wonder how fast they had to peddle to get an aircraft into the air?Kaz:-)

Some of those Gypsies were good at 'peddling' especially the 'Gypsie Major'.

 

Alan.

 

 

[David Isaac]

Yep,

 

The only engine that can pee oil out all day long, drop a spark plug or two or a lead, be misfiring, have heaps of blowby from worn rings, even a rattle or two ... and STILL GET YOU HOME ...

 

 

[kaz3g]

You know, quite a few of those items on the list are TRUE! I haven't flown an Auster since 1974 but I remember all too well:4/. What about trying to operate that darn flap lever ... guaranteed to put your shoulder out every time ...John.

It's amazing how you can land the damned things without being able to see anything much outside at all. There is only the sky out front once you flare and the flap lever prevents you from squinting down the left side of the instrument board, so it's all a bit of a guess at the end!

 

I always congratulate myself on surviving another one at the end of each landing roll. A character-building aeroplane, I'd call it...sigh

 

kaz

 

 

[David Isaac]

Funny you should say that Kaz; I actually find the J1B easier to fly from the right hand seat (throttle on the left stick on the right, look out the right window ). Especially since I have spent most of my tail wheel time in a Citabria.

 

They do say the Auster was an aircraft designed by a committee.

 

The bit that amuses me about my Auster is the Austin A40 hand brake as the parking brake and the Austin A40 window winder as the trim adjuster ...

 

 

[kaz3g]

Funny you should say that Kaz; I actually find the J1B easier to fly from the right hand seat (throttle on the left stick on the right, look out the right window )...The bit that amuses me about my Auster is the Austin A40 hand brake as the parking brake and the Austin A40 window winder as the trim adjuster ...

Yes David, the humour strikes me each time I do my pre-landing BUMPFF check:

 

BRAKES are off (they never bloody worked in the first place) ;

 

UNDERCARRIAGE down and fixed (fixed? Bloody Auster)....

 

I do chuckle when someone new tries to adjust the trim using that dinky little window winder fresh from a C172 or PA28 though.

 

BIt SENSITIVE isn't it?

 

Kaz

 

 

[David Isaac]

... BIt SENSITIVE isn't it?...

Hell yes ... LOL ... who needs an elevator when you have a secondary control like that one. Mind you the Citabria trim control is pretty much the same as well.

 

 

[Wayne T Mathews]

The bit that amuses me about my Auster is the Austin A40 hand brake as the parking brake and the Austin A40 window winder as the trim adjuster ...

The A40 window winder as a trim adjuster I can understand. I've got one of them too. But what's with the park brake stuff?... Yuh Cissy!

 

 

 

[David Isaac]

The A40 window winder as a trim adjuster I can understand. I've got one of them too. But what's with the park brake stuff?... Yuh Cissy!

Yeh ... good on ya Wayne ... weeelll just as it happens the old girl has got a HUGE .... 130 HP ... LOL and ya gotta chock her, pull on the park brake and tie her to the old Landcrusher to a do a full power run up ...

 

 

[Wayne T Mathews]

Yeh ... good on ya Wayne ... weeelll just as it happens the old girl has got a HUGE .... 130 HP ... LOL and ya gotta chock her, pull on the park brake and tie her to the old Landcrusher to a do a full power run up ...

Bloody hell... 130 neddies?... What sort of carbon footprint are you putting in the sand for Kri sake? Have you no conscience, Man?...

 

 

[David Isaac]

Maaatee,

 

The only carbon footprint Austers leave is under the aircraft when they are parked ...

 

 

[Wayne T Mathews]

Maaatee,The only carbon footprint Austers leave is under the aircraft when they are parked ...

And I'll ask again... Have you no conscience, Man?...