My colonoscapy.

[planedriver]

Having been advised that I should have a colonoscapy, I called my friend Ben Doone, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment.

 

A few days later, in his office, Ben showed me a color diagram of the

 

colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all the way from Hobart to The Gulf of Carpentaria and at one point passing briefly through Ayers Rock.

 

Then Ben explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!'

 

I left Ben's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for

 

a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a

 

microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it

 

to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of Australia's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

 

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In

 

accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I

 

had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder

 

together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.

 

(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre of this stuff is about 32 gallons).

 

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes at least an hour, because

 

MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and

 

urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great

 

sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel

 

movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off

 

your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a

 

nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever

 

seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience,

 

with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the toilet was fitted with a

 

full harness seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,

 

spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you

 

must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which

 

point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start

 

eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not

 

only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing

 

occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I

 

spurt on Ben?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

 

Flowers would not be enough.

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and

 

totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a

 

room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little

 

curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital

 

garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,

 

makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

 

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already

 

lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered

 

what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,

 

so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no

 

choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where

 

Ben was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the

 

17,000-foot tube, but I knew Ben had it hidden around there somewhere. I

 

was seriously nervous at this point.

 

Ben had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began

 

hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

 

There was soft music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

 

'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Ben that, of all the songs that

 

could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be

 

the least appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Ben, from somewhere behind me.

 

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for

 

more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am

 

going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no

 

idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing

 

Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in

 

the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Ben was looking down at

 

me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent

 

when Ben told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with

 

flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite

 

humorous!!!!! A proctologist physician claimed that the following are actual

 

comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing

 

rectal examinations, including colonoscopies:

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

 

5. 'You know, in Tasmania, we're now legally married.'

 

6.'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Telecom, didn't you?'

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

 

13. 'How is that throat infection of mine looking?'

 

And the best one of all:

 

14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

 

[Guernsey]

A good post Planey and will be helpful to a lot of people. I and my wife have had several colonoscopies including in the old days when you were concious the whole time.

 

Now you have no recollection but you were not anaesthetized ( hope I've spelt that correctly). My eldest son used to be a Theatre Sister and explained the whole scenario. What is injected into you is a 'Memory Blocker' . The Doctor can talk to you during the procedure and you will also join in the conversation, hence the comical remarks by the patient, however, when the drug wears off you have no recollection of what happened and it seems as though the procedure took hardly any time at all.

 

Glad your outcome was good. nothing like getting to the bottom of it.

 

Alan.

 

 

[CrayonBox]

Guernsey, Is that one of those Date drugs?

 

 

[Mark11]

Man, that was hilarious...

 

Sounds like the loo needs splash guards.

 

The people on the train have no idea why I'm chuckling!!!

 

 

[planedriver]

Guernsey, Is that one of those Date drugs?

Sounds like the chick that said to her date "you must be a very good dentist, I never felt a thing"