Useless Intellectual Information

[Guest john]

1. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

 

2. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

 

3. Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough ?

 

4. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

5. Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 million stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

6. Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?

 

7. What is the speed of darkness?

 

8. Why is that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up every 2 hours?

 

9. If the temperature is zero outside today, & its going to be as twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

 

10. Do maried people live longer than single people or does it only seem longer?

 

11. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

12.Why do people pay to go up tall buildings & then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

13. Who was the 1st person to look at a cow & say, I think I'll sqeeze these pink dangly things here, & drink what evere comes out?

 

14.Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast in a horrible crisp which no decent human would eat?

 

15. Why is there a light in the fridge & not in the freezer compartment?

 

16.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is ?

 

17. Why does the Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

 

18. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They are both dogs.

 

19.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

20. If corn oil is made of corn, & vegetable oil is made of vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

22.Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

 

[gareth lacey]

funny!!

[planet47]

19 is an interesting question!

 

 

[cscotthendry]

3.Banks charge insufficient funds fees?...Because they can

 

7. Speed of darkness = 1/speed of light.

 

21.Morality comes from morons? Yes definitely....at least it seems to........

 

22.Pushing the button more makes the elevator come faster? Yes definitely..at least it seems to........

 

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

Why do women dance backwards ???

 

 

[facthunter]

The speed of darkness is the same as the speed of light. Darkness is when the light moves somewhere else. Nev

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

The speed of darkness is the same as the speed of light. Darkness is when the light moves somewhere else. Nev

Nope If Darkness ws the same speed as light it would keep up as light moved. The fact that it doesnt suggests that darkness is slower. Further more I remember many years ago reading that Light bulbs were incorrectly named they should be called Dark Suckers the rationale being that if you look at Fluro tubes when they are new they are pristeen white but when they finally fail they are dark around teh ends which the author contends is proof that they are now full of dark.... BTW the article completely refutes my claim that dark is slow.....

Article reproduced:-

 

BELL LAB PROVES EXISTENCE OF DARK SUCKERS!

 

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesman from the Labs, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

 

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

 

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

 

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

 

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

 

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the ligher light floats to the top.

 

The immense power of dark can be utilized to a man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

 

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

 

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

If you were travelling at the speed of light and you turned on your headlights, would they work ???.........................................................Maj...

 

 

[Deskpilot]

yes but there'd be no light beam (assuming the globes were good and the battery charged etc).

 

 

[facthunter]

If somebody turned the sun off, you would get light for (9?) minutes and the (no Light) dark starts. Nev

 

 

[horsefeathers]

yes but there'd be no light beam (assuming the globes were good and the battery charged etc).

ahh no, There would be a light beam, but red shifted. You couldn't SEE it (our human receptors are sooo antiquated), but the beam of light would still move away from you at the speed of light.......

 

As to another stationary observer, well that's where I get completely confused, but cause the car is travelling at the speed of light (or extremely close, lets say), time and space are compressed with respect to the car and the moving observer.

 

What that means, god (and einstein) only knows

 

 

[damkia]

23. All electrical equipment runs on smoke. It is only when the "wires" (smoke conduits) actually rupture that the machines stop functioning and you can actually see the smoke.

 

24. $2000 of electronics are there to save a $0.05 fuse.

 

26. Why don't "mums taxis" come with a forward view mirror above thr rear windscreen, given the amount of time "mums" have their head facing backwards screaming at their kids while driving? I'm sure we would ALL be safer.

 

27. Why do we change the fuse three times before we acknowledge that something is shorted out? surely we know after the first fuse blows

 

 

[Yenn]

My aim in life is to exceed the speed of light, turn round and see myself coming.

 

 

[damkia]

Fact.

 

All these special effects used to convey the message that you are traveling quickly through space in shows like Star Trek, Star Wars, etc with all the stars whizzing towards you are in fact incorrect.

 

As your speed approaches even a minor portion of the speed of light, the visible light from the stars would receive a "blue Doppler shift" into the ultraviolet spectrum, rendering the stars invisible to the human eye. You may briefly see the stars to the side of you until they receive a "red Doppler shift" disappearing into the infra red spectrum as they are fully past you, again invisible to the human eye.

 

 

[damkia]

If somebody turned the sun off, you would get light for (9?) minutes and the (no Light) dark starts. Nev

Logical answer to that is yes (8 minutes, actually) much the same as morse code over radio works - Electromagnetic waves

 

 

[ben87r]

Isnt darkness just a lack of light?? and light always travels away from you at the speed of light regardless of your speed, as mentioned above its time that changes, not light

 

 

[kgwilson]

One night I caught some dark & put it in a box. The next morning when I opened the box it escaped so quickly I didn't even see it go. This supports the theory that dark is faster than light

 

 

[cscotthendry]

ahh no, There would be a light beam, but red shifted. You couldn't SEE it (our human receptors are sooo antiquated), but the beam of light would still move away from you at the speed of light.......As to another stationary observer, well that's where I get completely confused, but cause the car is travelling at the speed of light (or extremely close, lets say), time and space are compressed with respect to the car and the moving observer.

What that means, god (and einstein) only knows

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news which obeys it's own laws. The Hingfreel people from Arkintoofle Minor did try to build spaceships powered by bad news, but they didn't work particularly well and were so extremely unwelcome whenever they arrived anywhere that there wasn't really any point in being there."...Douglas Adams

 

 

[Zibi]

My aim in life is to exceed the speed of light, turn round and see myself coming.

You may have problems with achieving that.

 

I would propose first try exceeding the speed of sound and then look back to hear yourself coming

 

 

[Head in the clouds]

You may have problems with achieving that.I would propose first try exceeding the speed of sound and then look back to hear yourself coming

My neighbour's daughter is a screamer and when her parents are away the boyfriend usually drops in to keep her company and when he's there she must be into this exceeding the speed of sound thing coz the whole street can hear her coming...

 

 

[dazza 38]

My neighbour's daughter is a screamer and when her parents are away the boyfriend usually drops in to keep her company and when he's there she must be into this exceeding the speed of sound thing coz the whole street can hear her coming...

Just yell out "What are you doing to her " when she is err screaming. Normally works.

Your post Alan, reminds me of the story of a couple who didnt have curtains on their bedroom windows and their bedroom faced the street. And they thought that their mirror windows wouldnt let anybody see in. They didnt realize that at night & their bedroom light on.People could see in just fine. They realized after half the street used to walk their dogs pass their house when they were err screaming as well.

 

 

[Head in the clouds]

Just yell out "What are you doing to her " when she is err screaming.

No, no, wouldn't want to do that I think she's a very religious sort, her boyfriend's called OH GOD JESUS CHRIST.

 

 

[dazza 38]

No, no, wouldn't want to do that I think she's a very religious sort, her boyfriend's called OH GOD JESUS CHRIST.

Im glad is wasnt "OH GOD JESUS CHRIST THE PARENT HAVE JUST PULLED INTO THE GARAGE".

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

HITC, Is that when you go to the shed where your plane project is to err...pound another rivit ???.....................

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

Speaking of amazing things :...........after 80 years when they finally got down to the Titanic wreck, they were amazed to find the swimming pool still full of water !!!!...............................................