Understanding English

[kgwilson]

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

 

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

 

 

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

 

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

 

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

 

 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

 

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time topresent the present .

 

 

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

 

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

 

 

10) I did not object to the object.

 

 

 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

 

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

 

 

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

 

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

 

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

 

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

 

 

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

 

 

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

 

 

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

 

 

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

 

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

 

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

 

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 

 

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 

 

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

 

 

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

 

 

 

 

 

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ...

 

 

 

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

 

 

 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

 

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special . A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

 

 

 

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the wordUP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ....

 

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes thingsUP .

 

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

 

 

 

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP ,for now my time is UP, so...it is time to shutUP!

 

 

[CrayonBox]

OK now I'm confused

 

 

[dazza 38]

Yup, some of the english language is crazy. No wonder peeps make mistakes.

 

 

[kaz3g]

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it[/b][/font][/size] UP ,for now my time is UP, so...it is time to shutUP!

 

Sounds like one big #¥*!?€? UP to me.

 

Kaz

 

 

[503]

No wunda I aint eny lurned at scool

 

 

[eightyknots]

Yes, it's also funny that you chop down a tree and then you proceed to chop it up.

 

 

[flying dog]

Ok: My effort:

 

Don't get me wrong though. I believe this is a great language.

 

It is complicated and so to speak it you need BRAINS.

 

Other languages are so simple, "anyone" can spell and say the words.

 

English as a long and complicated history, and a long and complicated future.

 

Choose - to select one of a group.

 

Loose - basically not tight.

 

Lose - the opposite of win.

 

How they are pronounced.....

 

Lose is more sounding like Choose than Loose.

 

Go figure.

 

Most - there is no more.

 

Post - a pole of wood in the ground, or to send by mail.

 

Cost - the value of something if you want to buy it.

 

Coast - where the land meets the water.

 

Toast - heat treated bread.

 

Boast - to brag.

 

I before E except after C:

 

Ok, granted:

 

Ceiling.

 

Receipt.

 

That is two words.

 

But, modern society needs to understand the weight of the problems moving frieght down the roads because of the restrictions of height some bridges which restricts where the vehicles can go. Of course the scientists are working on better ways to help, but until now, there are no easy answers.

 

That is 5 words and I think there are more but I just can't remember them just now.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Just finished reading "Made in America" by Bill Bryson who chronicles most of the new words coming into American English since about the 1500's.

 

This is the book which compares center with centre etc. and has all the surprises about so-called "American" accent and spelling which really is the older English version.

 

 

[naremman]

I can remember early on in my Ambulance Officer training a Paramedic Trainer strongly advising us to make sure we got the correct pronuciation for cervical and cervical right, lest one mightily embarrass thyself!

 

 

[flying dog]

You spelt them both the same there..... I have kind of only realised there are two words like that and yes, it can be a "foot in mouth" moment.

 

But what are the two spellings?

 

(How can men damage their cervics? (spelling?))

 

 

[turboplanner]

With a major sex change that goes wrong?

 

 

[flying dog]

So explain how/why there is a cervical bone in people's neck?

 

 

[turboplanner]

Thought you were talking about cervix

 

 

[flying dog]

Incase you didn't know: I can't spell to save my life.

 

If two words sound the same, until I am told/shown the difference, I spell them however I think it is.

 

Though I have probably spelt it both ways here, that is a very different problem.

 

 

[planedriver]

Jist thunk about the problems my mate had wun he migrated to New Zilland twunty five years ago, where they speak Unglish too!

 

 

[flying dog]

Which begs the question:

 

What a hindu?

 

 

[Guest aussieaviatrix]

Which begs the question:What a hindu?

Lays iggs!

 

 

[Guest aussieaviatrix]

Groovy, man, Groovy

 

Remember when hippie meant big in the hips

 

And a trip involved travel in cars, planes, and ships?

 

When pot was a vessel for cooking things in

 

And hooked was what grandmother’s rug might have been?

 

When square meant a 90-degree angle form

 

And cool was a temperature not quite warm?

 

When roll meant a bun and rock was a stone

 

And hang-up was something you did to the phone?

 

When fixed was a verb that meant mend or repair

 

And be-in meant simply existing somewhere?

 

When neat meant well-organized, tidy, and clean

 

And grass was ground cover, normally green?

 

When lights and not people were switched on and off

 

And the pill might have been what you took for your cough?

 

When camp was to quarter outdoors in a tent

 

And pop was what the weasel went?

 

When groovy meant furrowed with channels and hollows

 

And birds were winged creatures like robins and swallows?

 

When fuzz was a substance that’s fluffy like lint

 

And bread came from bakeries, not from the mint?

 

When jam was preserves that you spread on your bread

 

And crazy meant balmy – not right in the head?

 

When swinger was someone who swung in a swing

 

And pad was a soft sort of cushiony thing?

 

When far-out meant distant, way up in the blue

 

And making the scene was a rude thing to do?

 

When dig meant to shovel and spade in the dirt

 

And put-on is what you would do with a shirt?

 

Words once so sensible, sober, and serious

 

Are making the freak scene like psychodelirious.

 

It’s groovy, man, groovy, but English it’s not.

 

Methinks that our language is going to pot.

 

(author unknown)

 

 

[deltacharlie]

I before E except after C? Disproved by science.

 

 

[turboplanner]

I before E except after C? Disproved by science.

 

...a bit more of a clue?

 

 

[eightyknots]

...a bit more of a clue?

Turbo, have close look at the word "science" and it will become clear.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Disproved by the WORD science, I'd agree.

 

The full rule is "i" before "e" except after "c" when pronounced "ee"

 

That narrows down the exceptions by a few thousand more.

 

 

[Yenn]

I used to be a bachelor gay, until those bloody poofters changed the language.

 

 

[flying dog]

Yeah, that's a bit like the story I read in the "Funnies" about the old WWI pilot sitting at the bar.

 

A woman walks near him and he asks her what he was. He tells her the story of how he is a pilot from the war.

 

He then asks her what she is and she says she is a lesbian........

 

I won't repeat the story here.

 

But I think I am a lesbian too. ;)

 

 

[nomadpete]

Wow, that triggered off more posts than the reputation of RAAus !