DEFENSE DEPARTMENT moves with the times

[nomadpete]

PRESS RELEASE - DEPT OF DEFENCE: NEW DESTROYERS FOR RAN

 

 

Details have been released regarding the RAN's next generation of fighting ships, including new destroyers. The Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability being designed into the new destroyer type. They have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, Health & Safety and Human Rights legislation.

 

 

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user-friendly look-out posts come equipped with wheelchair access; live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt (and to cut down on the number of compensation claims); stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day (each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal).

 

 

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, gender balanced in accordance with the latest Government directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability.

 

 

Sailors will work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Seamens' Union Health & Safety rules which apply equally in peace and wartime. All bunks will be double occupancy and the destroyers will be equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Wardroom.

 

 

The Navy is eager to shed its perceived reputation for ‘Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash, so out goes the daily beer ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water. Although sodomy remains, it has been extended to include all ratings under 18 and is no longer compulsory. The lash will still be available but only on request.

 

 

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - same for the women.

 

 

The Navy is working on a new non specific flag as the existing White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Mohammad Hook from the Canberra National Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will slide gently into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Navy band.

 

 

Sea Trials are expected to take place when the first of the new destroyers, HMAS Cautious, sets out on her maiden voyage. She will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants to ports around Australia.

 

 

[rankamateur]

This has got to be a joke - Women don't grow beards!

 

 

[dazza 38]

My main concern is that somebody in the Government may read this press release and actually try & implement some of these ideas.

 

 

[M61A1]

My main concern is that somebody in the Government may read this press release and actually try & implement some of these ideas.

I wish it was a joke, I'm fairly certain that the Navy (if not the whole defence force) has already implemented most of these concepts.

[cscotthendry]

Aw C'mon, paintballs? I mean really??? The rest looks pretty reasonable to me though, especially the Perrier....

 

 

[dazza 38]

I wish it was a joke, I'm fairly certain that the Navy (if not the whole defence force) has already implemented most of these concepts.

Wouldnt have happen back in my RAAF days. In my day there wasnt many females in the services. Well, I should say there wasnt many good looking ones :peepwall: . With the concept of a 50/50 male female ratio.The ugly females wont have much chance in pulling a bloke.

In the Gay Disco , sailors can listen to the Village People's Greatest Hits. It will get the sailors into the mood for a little bromance.

 

 

[M61A1]

Wouldnt have happen back in my RAAF days. In my day there wasnt many females in the services. Well, I should say there wasnt many good looking ones :peepwall: . With the concept of a 50/50 male female ratio.The ugly females wont have much chance in pulling a bloke.In the Gay Disco , sailors can listen to the Village People's Greatest Hits. It will get the sailors into the mood for a little bromance.

I went through my training in the early 80's, now, I'm on a type course with 4 army trainees. I was blown away when a WO comes in and talks really nice to them all, asks if they have any problems, please let us know if you do, we'll try to sort it out for you, anything we can do to make your life more enjoyable? ........WTF? Spoilt little brats.

 

 

[Yenn]

M61A1.

 

If that had happened in my time in the army, I would have been running as fast as I could. Whenever a senior rank was polite or nice to you, you knew something nasty was about to happen. Except of course if I was the senior ranker.

 

 

[dazza 38]

I was late 80's. Things went down hill after that.I mean a corporal saying to a recruit "do I have permission to touch you, to adjust there uniform" LOL. Y0u have to be F***king kidding dont you.Anyway I left the RAAF as a corporal.Im pretty sure I didnt play to those rules.