Pilot / Control tower exchanges

[Guest Dean747]

Found this on a web site. Some funny ones in here.

 

Exchanges between pilots and control towers

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

 

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have

 

digital watches!"

 

********************************************************

 

Tower: "TWA 2341,

 

for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

 

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.

 

How much noise can we make up here?"

 

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a

 

747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

*****************************************************

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long

 

takeoff queue:

 

"I'm f...ing bored!"

 

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft

 

transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

 

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored,

 

not f...ing stupid!"

 

*****************************************************

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

 

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,

 

one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

 

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted

 

to say this...

 

I've got the little Fokker in sight.

 

********************************************************

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country

 

flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,

 

ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

 

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

******************************************************

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an

 

exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

 

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a

 

hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

 

If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway

 

101, make a right at the lights and return to the

 

airport."

 

*********************************************************

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in

 

Munich , overheard the following:

 

Lufthansa (in German):

 

" Ground, what is our start clearance

 

time?"

 

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer

 

you must speak in English."

 

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German,

 

flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak

 

English?"

 

nknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful

 

British accent): "Because you lost the ******

 

war!"

 

********************************************************

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,

 

contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to

 

Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind

 

of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff

 

behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.

 

Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

 

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared

 

for takeoff, roger ; and yes, we copied Eastern...

 

We've already notified our caterers."

 

********************************************************

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the

 

tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8

 

landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and

 

taxied back past the Cherokee.

 

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on

 

the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you

 

make it all by yourself?"

 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go

 

by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of

 

DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have

 

enough parts for another one."

 

********************************************************

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are

 

renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one

 

to know one's gate parking location, but how to get

 

there without any assistance from them. So it was with some

 

amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

 

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British

 

Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206!

 

Clear of active runway."

 

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha

 

One-Seven."

 

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed

 

to a stop.

 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you

 

are going?"

 

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm

 

looking up our gate location now."

 

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

 

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt

 

before?"

 

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944,

 

but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

 

***********************************************************

 

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport ,

 

the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

 

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air

 

crew, screaming:

 

US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I

 

told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned

 

right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult

 

for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she

 

was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've

 

screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this

 

out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you

 

to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about

 

half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,

 

when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air

 

2771?"

 

Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications

 

frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of

 

US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate

 

ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in

 

every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and

 

keyed his microphone, asking:

 

"Wasn't I married to you once?"