Tips for home............And other disaster areas

[Bigglesworth]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a

 

jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is

 

almost instantly removed.

 

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always

 

circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment

 

from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and

 

check that it has gone.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the

 

object you wish to view.

 

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

 

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but

 

you'll also be getting paid for it.

 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate

 

bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the

 

first place, you fat bastard.

 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after,

 

you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of

 

washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by

 

filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then

 

urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip

 

a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating

 

cakes again.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

 

inexpensive vibrator.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by

 

running a bit slower.

 

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag

 

from the butt of your last one.

 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or

 

veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat

 

substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the

 

difference.

 

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt

 

be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about

 

yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of

 

cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.

 

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a

 

while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your

 

cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to

 

insulate your roof.

 

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car

 

before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems

 

anyway, so it may as well look like one.

 

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from

 

rolling over and going back to sleep.

 

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with

 

whom you disagree.

 

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging

 

your feet twice on each stair.

 

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer

 

Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

 

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All

 

he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

 

fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

 

coat hanger in an emergency.

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast

 

wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid

 

for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the

 

other in your coat pocket.

 

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find

 

the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.