Words of Wisdom

[Guest john]

1. I once had a rose named after me, & was flattered, but was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue which read: No good in a bed, but fine against a wall. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

 

2.Sometimes when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian you should have remained a virgin (Lillian Carter)

 

3. My luck is so bad, that if I bought a cemetarey, people would stop dying. ( Rodney Dangerfield)

 

4. I don't feel old, I don't feel anything until noon, then it is time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

 

5. I never drink water because of the discussting things that fish do in it. W.C. Fields)

 

6. We would certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress. (Will Rogers)

 

7. Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow old, because it will avoid you. (Winston Churchill)

 

8. Maybe its true that life starts at 50, because everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. (Phyllis Diller)

 

9. By the time man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal)

 

10.Last week I stated that this women was the ugliest women I had ever seen, I have since been visited by her sister, & I now wish to withdraw my previous statement. (Mark Twain)

 

11. The secret of a good sermon, is to have a goo0d beginning, & a good ending, & to have the 2 together as close as possible. (George Burns)

 

12. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.( Victor Borge)

 

13. Be careful about reading health books, you may die of a misprint. ( Mark Twain)

 

14.I was married by a judge. Maybe I should have asked for a jury. (Grouch Marx)

 

15. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now & then she stops to breathe. ( Jimmy Durante)

 

16. I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.(Zza Zza Gabor)

 

17. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all 4 essential food groups such as alcohol, caffeine sugar & fat. ( Alex Levine)

 

18. By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will be happy. If you get a bad one you will become a Philosopher.( Socrates)