More funnies. . .( But PC this time. . . .)

[Phil Perry]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

 

Stu said, "I didn"t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

 

Leroy replied, "I"m not sure, what was her maiden name?"

 

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

 

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cos I still have mine."

 

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

 

"That"s very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few dollars myself."

 

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to A&E, took the husband aside, and said, "I don"t like the look of your wife at all."

 

"Me neither doc," said the husband.

 

"But she"s a great cook and really good with the kids." !

 

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you in the first place. . ..."

 

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

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A blonde calls the Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it"ll take to fly from Adelaide to New York City?"

 

The agent replies, "Just a minute Miss. . . . ."

 

"Thank you," the blonde says, . . . . and hangs up.

 

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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion.."

 

Joe: "Really?"

 

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn"t believe in Hell."

 

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

 

"I"m O. K. but I didn"t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

 

"What did he say," asked the nurse..

 

"Oops!"

 

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While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband"s advice.

 

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

 

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You"d never get it all in one."

 

He"s still in intensive care.

 

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

 

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, . . . "Well,. . . she"s obviously got there. . . ."

 

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[Russ]

Man told his wife he was booked on Malaysian flite MH370 going on a business trip to china.

 

Now the poor guy can,t go outside his mistresses flat.......bugger aye.