One liners

[Peter008]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist.

 

Here are some of his gems:

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

 

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

 

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

 

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ....... But she left me before we met.

 

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

 

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

 

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

 

[Deskpilot]

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

Yes, but there'd be no beam.

 

 

[eightyknots]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist.Here are some of his gems:

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

 

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

 

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

 

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ....... But she left me before we met.

 

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

 

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

 

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Where is No 5?

 

 

[facthunter]

Very observant. Go to the top of the class. Nev

 

 

[Peter008]

Yep - I removed it. Had politics with a named party and remember last time......

 

 

[Cosmick]

36 Gravity is a Myth - The Earth Sucks

 

 

[bexrbetter]

I couldn't understand why the tennis ball was growing in size - then it hit me.

 

 

[Marty_d]

You didn't understand the gravity of the situation?