The Plasterer

[PA.]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says,

 

"Hang on! You're a duck."

 

"I see your eyes are working,"... replies the duck.

 

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

 

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

 

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

 

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says," Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

 

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck "Where is it?"

 

"At the circus," Says the barman.

 

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

 

"That's right," Replies the barman.

 

"The circus?" The duck asks again.

 

"with the big tent?"

 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

 

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

 

"Of course," the barman replies.

 

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .

 

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

 

[Marty_d]

Does he work for cash, or send out his bill?

 

 

[pmccarthy]

That really quacked me up.

 

 

[bexrbetter]

I lit the tail of a duck once with a matchstick and about 10 seconds later it exploded!

 

It was a firequacker.

 

Waddle I think of next ....

 

 

[Marty_d]

I lit the tail of a duck once with a matchstick and about 10 seconds later it exploded!It was a firequacker.

 

Waddle I think of next ....

Bet you didn't know another duck was watching you. He was a Peeking Duck.

 

 

[Bikky]

Y0u guys really are the duck's guts!

 

 

[cherk]

U

 

Y0u guys really are the duck's guts!

.."..........duck for cover"."..............

 

 

[facthunter]

Duck down is a good insulator. It could also be a good idea. Nev

 

 

[bexrbetter]

Duck down is a good insulator.

Squatting keeps you warm?

 

My Mate has giant ducks apparently, must be as big as horses, haven't seen them but he often mentions he gets down off them.

 

 

[PA.]

I told him to duck off.

 

 

 

[Birdseye]

A mate of mine back in London used to run a pub. He liked novelties and found this dancing duck at a market for a pony. He put it in the public bar and it used to dance all night on a little stage made from a Cadbury's toffee tin.

 

For three months or so his takings were well up, but then as the novelty wore off the number of punters coming in to see the duck dropped off. Fortunately a mate who ran a pub north of the river offered to buy the duck and the deal was struck at a rather inflated monkey.

 

At the new pub the duck did as expected and punters flocked in to see the new dancing duck. Snag was the duck wouldn't stop. They'd shut the bar, turn out the lights and the bloody duck just kept going. After a week of sleepless nights the landlord rang his old china south of the river.

 

"Strewth you've given me a lotta strife, how'd yer stop the bleedin duck dancing all night?" he asked. "Easy" said the mate "just pull off the lid and blow out the effing candles".