Don't ask the price

[red750]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

 

 

 

 

 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

 

 

 

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

 

 

 

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

 

 

 

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

 

 

 

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

 

 

 

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

 

 

[Bikky]

Gotta love fart jokes!

 

While at dinner party, a man farts. Another man says “How dare you fart in front of my wife”. First man says “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn”.

 

 

[facthunter]

When a LADY farts, a GENTLEMAN says " pardon me". Nev

 

 

[Rastus]

LADY's don't fart. They pass wind.

 

So my Grandma used to say.

 

 

[planedriver]

Yea Right!

 

What about "Puff The Magic Dragon"?

 

 

[nomadpete]

The hosties used to call it "crop dusting" as they walked up the aisle of the ascending aircraft.

 

 

[SDQDI]

[Guest john]

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Its better to fart & smell a little, than hold it back & be a cripple.

 

 

[spacesailor]

Unless near a flame, then your Fart goes off a little

 

spacesailor

 

 

[Guest john]

The Man From Broken Hill

 

There once was a man from Broken Hill

 

Who swallowed a DYNAMITE pill

 

He perspired, his bum backfired

 

And his bxlls shot over the hill:bomb:

 

 

[Guest john]

Sprocket

 

There once was a man called Sprocket

 

Who went for a ride in a rocket

 

The rocket went BANG

 

His bxlls went clang

 

And he found hos coxk

 

In his pocket:laugh:

 

 

[Guest john]

Extremely Disappointed

 

Some members may recall the underground separate male & female toilets that existed in Swanston St Melbourne years ago before decimal currency even came in. You could go & relieve yourself for free for no.1 but if you wanted to sit on the throne you had to put a penny in the cubicle door lock which would allow the door to open & you could then close & lock the door from the inside & then have some peace & quiet while you read the quotations on the walls or tried to solve the worlds problems.

 

On a cubicle wall was penned the following dirty ditty:

 

Here I sit broken hearted

 

Paid a penny and only farted/:tongue in cheek:

 

 

[Riley]

Extremely DisappointedSome members may recall the underground separate male & female toilets that existed in Swanston St Melbourne years ago before decimal currency even came in. You could go & relieve yourself for free for no.1 but if you wanted to sit on the throne you had to put a penny in the cubicle door lock which would allow the door to open & you could then close & lock the door from the inside & then have some peace & quiet while you read the quotations on the walls or tried to solve the worlds problems.

 

On a cubicle wall was penned the following dirty ditty:

 

Here I sit broken hearted

 

Paid a penny and only farted/:tongue in cheek:

"Yesterday I took a chance,

 

Saved a penny and crapped my pants"

 

 

[old man emu]

I recently was watching an episode of the English archaeology series called Time Team. They were excavating Shakespeare's own house in Stratford-om-Avon. Not the house that he was born in. That's in the middle of town, but the one he owned in his later years, a bit out of the town centre. Anyway, it often happens during the excavation of old castles and manor houses that they discover the latrine pits. The thought of them finding the latrine pit of Shakespeare's house brought to mind the rhyme often seen on the back of public lavatory doors:

 

"One would think

 

with all this wit

 

the Shakespeare's ghost

 

came here to sh!t."

 

Imagine the humour of the situation of they did fine Shakespeare's latrine pit. Perhaps a long lost manuscript of a sonnet that he thought was ....

 

not up to his usual standard.

 

OME

 

 

[onetrack]

Stan has a problem. Every time he farts, instead of the typical BRRRRRAAARRRP! noise - it goes "Honda!"

 

This didn't really bother him too much, until a friend warned that there might be something wrong with him.

 

He visits doctor after doctor trying to find an explanation, but has no luck. All the doctors are completely baffled.

 

Eventually he finds his way to the Far East, and visits a wizened, knowledgeable, ancient Japanese doctor.

 

He explains the problem, and the old doctor nods knowingly.

 

"You have abscess!" says the doctor.

 

"An abscess?" says Stan.

 

"Yes. Everyone should know, "Abscess make the fart go Honda!"

 

 

[facthunter]

Yikes, that's old but I only heard it once before in the 70's and it was in Perth. Nev

 

 

[cscotthendry]

OK, Time to tell this story on myself:

 

We had just landed at William Creek and I was in need of a bladder dump, so I found a couple of nice trees near the refuelling bowser. As I walked back to the plane I turned around and there were two 20-something female pilots about half a step away from me wanting a weather report for Leigh Creek! I flustered and stammered that we hadn't come that way. After answering their weather questions I pulled up to the bowser only to discover yet another 20-something lurking near the refuelling bowser! Not many discreet places to "water the bushes" out there...

 

 

 

 

[Marty_d]

OK, Time to tell this story on myself:We had just landed at William Creek and I was in need of a bladder dump, so I found a couple of nice trees near the refuelling bowser. As I walked back to the plane I turned around and there were two 20-something female pilots about half a step away from me wanting a weather report for Leigh Creek! I flustered and stammered that we hadn't come that way. After answering their weather questions I pulled up to the bowser only to discover yet another 20-something lurking near the refuelling bowser! Not many discreet places to "water the bushes" out there...

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Oh, I like the way she's handling that fuel pump. If it wasn't for that silly old geezer in the foregr.... oops...

 

 

[spacesailor]

ScottH

 

In the Simpson there;s a lone tree, everyone ( usually the lady's) want to know how it survives there,

 

One tree for the men & their dogs!

 

spacesailor

 

 

[onetrack]

Could've been worse, you could have landed somewhere on the Nullarbor Plain!

 

I can recall sometime in the late 1970's, when I was an agricultural contractor, I called on a potential farmer client, looking for work, in the area NE of Hyden - because I was working my machines in the area.

 

We had a 10 minute discussion, the discussion ended, I farewelled him and roared back out the long entrance drive to his farm, to the front gate.

 

Now, most of that country out there is relatively treeless, and the farmers never left too many trees or shade patches. The only break is undulations in the countryside, when someone or something can actually hide in a depression.

 

His driveway had a couple of raised areas of ground, with a couple of matching depressions, which meant you could hide something in one of those depressions, and get a surprise when you came over a small rise, and it suddenly appeared in view.

 

Unbeknowns to me, when I roared out, the farmer had jumped on his trail bike, and roared out the driveway, probably a couple of minutes behind me. It was Mid-Summer, he was only wearing stubbie shorts, thongs, and a T-shirt.

 

I got to his front gate, and suddenly remembered there was something important I wanted to ask him. So I did a U-turn, and roared back up the long driveway to the house, in the ute.

 

I crested one of the couple of rises in his driveway - when suddenly, I was confronted with farmer squatting by the side of the driveway alongside his bike - shorts around his ankles, trying to lay a length of brown cable!

 

I dunno who got the biggest shock - me - or the farmer - who didn't hear me coming back up the rise in the driveway, and who only realised I was coming back, when I crested the rise, 200M away at 60kmh!

 

I've never seen a bloke stand up and whip his shorts back on, so fast in all my life! I reckon he broke the world record - it would have only taken him around 5 milliseconds, I estimated. It was faster than any reflex action.

 

He was as cool as a cucumber, I asked him what I wanted to know, got my answer, and I farewelled him again.

 

I often wonder if he managed to lay that turd right after I left, or if it got clenched back in so tightly, it took 2 days to release it again!!