Friday jokes

[Marty_d]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning – can you believe it?

 

Lucky for him I was still up playing the bagpipes.

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner.

 

Talk about Dyson with death.

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice today.

 

At least, I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”

 

“Really…” says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

 

My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

I was driving this morning and saw an RACT van parked. The driver was sobbing

 

uncontrollably and looking very miserable. I thought to myself

 

“That guy’s heading for a breakdown”.

 

My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to the local pet shop and

 

they were $70!

 

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

 

[SDQDI]

Thanks Marty, that will keep the mrs and kids groaning for a while:thumb up:

 

Oh the joys of dad jokes:whistling:

 

 

[PA.]

What did one Zoo Keeper say to the other Zoo Keeper?

 

Close the door, you're letting a Giraffe in.

 

 

[fly_tornado]

cop a load of these

 

http://imgur.com/gallery/AgftE

 

 

[Bikky]

Thanks for that FT! My ESL students are going to scratch their heads over those.

 

 

[red750]

I know it's not Friday, but I heard a couple last night on an old UKTV comedy show. We seem to be getting many shows recorded years ago, pre the London Olympics, and even had a panel show with Jade Goody, who died of cancer in 2009. Anyway this guy (can't remember his name), had a couple of one - liners.

 

They are thinking of doing away with roman numerals - not on my watch!

 

I have my own private jet - the rest of the spa belongs to Mum.

 

 

[turboplanner]

ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE - an act of kindness

 

On a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a Motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

 

"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

 

"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.

 

"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."

 

"I can't." said the biker.

 

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburettor as promised.

 

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

 

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the Father of the motorbike rider.

 

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill....."

 

 

[Marty_d]

I'm now imagining a tube going into the instrument panel with the words "Emergency Carb Heat" above it.