New Airline Rules.

[planedriver]

NEW AIRLINE RULES

 

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

 

Passenger: Sure.

 

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

 

Passenger: What for?

 

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

 

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

 

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

 

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

 

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

 

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

 

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

 

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

 

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

 

Passenger: What?

 

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

 

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

 

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

 

Passenger: No way!

 

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

 

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

 

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

 

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

 

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

 

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

 

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

 

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

 

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

 

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

 

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

 

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

 

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

 

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

 

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory Sir, but a cute tip from your friendly cabin staff is, the inflight magazine is free if you wish to save a bit on paper.

 

 

[Kiwi303]

Ryanair is it?

 

 

[Yenn]

Any excess coin can be used to by lottery tickets on Ryanair. When they land the intercom blares out the post chase song as a sort of triumphant signal. Very basic airline, but it is cheap.

 

 

[Marty_d]

Ryanair is it?

Jetstar actually.

 

Can't remember which one it is, that when you go to book it pre-loads your bill with everything from luggage to goddamn travel insurance and you have to unclick it all unless you want to pay $$$$$$ more than the fare.

 

 

[spacesailor]

Could be Virgin, you only get Pretzels and they're rubbish,

 

spacesailor

 

 

[bexrbetter]

Don't see the issue or the joke, flying has never been cheaper in history and I like the option of only paying for what I need.

 

I take Jetstar and Tigerair in Oz for that very reason, I can actually survive 2 hours without food and alcohol and I rarely need more than 7kgs of baggage for just a few days.

 

It's just a big bus for goodness sakes.

 

 

[Marty_d]

It's not the fact that they itemise the bits for separate payment that annoys me, it's how they pre-select everything for you and force you to remove it bit by bit until you get back to the basic fare. I fully agree that when I fly I just want the trip. Which is what I should be able to select straight up and only add other stuff if I want to.

 

 

[facthunter]

Yeah go only on price. Don't check on their safety record. If you don't reward service and quality you won't get it.. Nev

 

 

[bexrbetter]

Yeah go only on price. Don't check on their safety record. If you don't reward service and quality you won't get it.. Nev

The only thing you're paying extra for Mate is the larger guys propaganda.

 

Qantas CEO Alan Joyce. 2014 defending 3 turnbacks in one day; “There are turn backs that happen, thousands and thousands of them every year around the globe, it’s part of aviation.

 

My 2nd last flight on Tiger was one of the best ever. I gave up Qantas years back because of the cantankerous old bitches, that's the Stewardesses, not the Stewards. I will say my last flight (International) with them has won me back though, Stewardesses are much younger and vibrant, only in their 40's now, great food and service, and they let us watch our movies until the plane stopped at the gate (I never understood why we have to sit there like dummies for 20 to 30 mins before touchdown).

 

 

[facthunter]

The two airlines you mention are at the bottom of the ratings here. There are some safety issues but as long as the stewardesses aren't old or bitchy nothing else matters. For a person who is involved in engineering some of your statements amaze me..Nev

 

 

[Kiwi303]

(I never understood why we have to sit there like dummies for 20 to 30 mins before touchdown).

Most of the accidents due to fatigue and failures I believe happen during pressure change sections of the flight, I.E. going up and going down. So they sit you down and strap you in before they start descending a couple hundred miles out. So if the roof cracks and rips off, you're all belted in and not running round screaming like a headless chicken.

 

 

[facthunter]

You are being funny aren't you Kiwi303? I'm a bit slow with these things. The 737 convertible was probably a one off and lucky not to have the front half break off in flight. Cycles of pressurisation do count for fatigue and some have a limit specified, after which they go to exotic holiday places where they don't worry abut these things. Nev

 

 

[Kiwi303]

the first bot was serious. I believe most of the failures happen at pressure change points of the flight.

 

The rest occured with Glossial Muscle firmly embedded within the Buccal Cavity.

 

I can't see how dying strapped in place or dying running shrieking down the aisles during a impact with the ground does anything other than make the remains easier to ID from seating plans. Either way, with the cockpit door locked so you can't distract the busy drivers, theres not much point IMHO for belting you in and locking the loos for the last half hour. 5 mins before finals ought to be plenty, not from before the pilot flicks the autopilot selection from 30,000 ft to 5,000.

 

 

[Yenn]

I go with Qantas. Good service, top safety record. Pity about the run to UK being via Dhubai rather than Singapore and arrival in the pm. Had a bird strike of the plane I was going on at Gladstone, when it landed. You should have heard the moaning about having to wait for an inspection. I wonder would they have applauded if there had been no inspection, but a prop failure on take off or similar.

 

 

[facthunter]

Stopping serving really early looks as if the cabin crew are giving themselves a bit of extra rest. On occasions there might be turbulence expected so people get bolted in earlier. I don't know of any evidence of pressure changes causing failure except for the accumulated effect of fatigue due to cycling. It all happens fairly gently or your ears will let you know. At high cruising levels you will have the max cabin pressure differential which is what imposes loads on the skin and pressure bulkheads. (usually in the vicinity of 8+ psi) Nev

 

 

[Spooks]

The only thing you're paying extra for Mate is the larger guys propaganda.Qantas CEO Alan Joyce. 2014 defending 3 turnbacks in one day; “There are turn backs that happen, thousands and thousands of them every year around the globe, it’s part of aviation.

 

My 2nd last flight on Tiger was one of the best ever. I gave up Qantas years back because of the cantankerous old bitches, that's the Stewardesses, not the Stewards. I will say my last flight (International) with them has won me back though, Stewardesses are much younger and vibrant, only in their 40's now, great food and service, and they let us watch our movies until the plane stopped at the gate (I never understood why we have to sit there like dummies for 20 to 30 mins before touchdown).

I advise you to avoid British Airways! Premium prices with the school canteen lady that passes for a stewardess grunting at you if you're lucky.

 

Actually not too different to this

 

 

 

 

[bexrbetter]

The two airlines you mention are at the bottom of the ratings here. There are some safety issues but as long as the stewardesses aren't old or bitchy nothing else matters.

State some facts or keep quiet thanks, geez the coincidence of you mentioning old and bitchy ...

 

Here's my engineering resolve, 5000 airliners in the air as we speak, 38 million scheduled flights this year, the amount of incidents across the board, even with the alleged lesser airlines, has me flying any of them without fear.

 

Facts, you should try hunting them down sometime.

 

I only avoid Asian carriers because of the pilots, not the aircraft.

 

So if the roof cracks and rips off, you're all belted in and not running round screaming like a headless chicken.

I was refering to the movies still running, nothing else. Note I said "sitting there" like dummies for 20 to 30 minutes, implying unable to move around.

 

That plane, Aloha airlines or something out of Hawaii, lost it's lid I believe because of all the island hopping, the compress/decompress cycles, along with the landing stresses, were far in excess of what was estimated any would endure within the hours.