Christmas jokes

[Diddy Pilot]

Merry Christmas everyone; it is that time of year again when bad jokes are allowed and found in Christmas Crackers.

 

In case you need some ideas when entertaining family and friends -

 

Q: What do you call an elf who sings?

 

A: a wrapper!

 

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?

 

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

 

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

 

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

 

A: He only comes once a year.

 

Q: What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

 

A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

 

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

 

A: Claustrophobic.

 

Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

 

A: RUDEolph.

 

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

 

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

 

Q: What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?

 

A: A Merry Can (American)

 

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

 

A: Snowballs.

 

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

 

A: North Polish.

 

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

 

A: A rebel without a Claus.

 

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

 

A: Subordinate clauses

 

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

 

A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

 

Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

 

A: A mince spy!

 

Q:What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

 

A:It's Christmas, Eve!

 

Q: What is the most popular wine with Christmas dinner?

 

A: “I don’t like Brussels sprouts!”

 

The 4 stages of life:

 

1. You believe in Santa Claus

 

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

 

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

 

4. You look like Santa Claus

 

Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box.

 

The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

 

A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.

 

This Christmas, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

 

I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me leading up to Christmas, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

 

 

[bexrbetter]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

 

 

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

 

 

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

 

 

 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

 

 

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

 

 

 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.