Tools Required To Build An Airplane/helicopter

[Sky Gazer]

Tools Required To Build An Airplane/helicopter

 

DRILL PRESS:

 

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock

 

out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across

 

the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had

 

carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

 

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench

 

with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco

 

calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

 

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW:

 

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

 

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

 

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into

 

major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

 

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms

 

human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt

 

to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

 

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing

 

else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat

 

to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES:

 

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding

 

heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

 

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on

 

fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the

 

bearing race out of.

 

TABLE SAW:

 

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for

 

testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

 

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your

 

new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

 

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

 

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in

 

bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

 

BAND SAW:

 

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good

 

aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can

 

after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

 

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to

 

disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

 

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined

 

screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

 

See hacksaw.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

 

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style

 

paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be

 

used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

 

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted

 

screws into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR:

 

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed

 

to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

 

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

 

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a

 

kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we

 

are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

 

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered

 

to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl

 

records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and

 

rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL:

 

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling

 

"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool

 

that you will need .

 

 

[storchy neil]

gee i didnt think anyone else could have my set of tools:;)2::yuk: neil

 

 

[Guest Martinc]

MMM, who can forget that first heady belt in the chest from a drill press?....followed closely by the incomprehensible yelling of the floor supervisor for wasting stock....or something. (He was a Scot and with the noise of the machines and all...i think thats what he was on about).