Bar jokes

[Guest Redair]

A man walks into a bar.... he says "OW" it was an iron bar!

 

A horse walks into a bar, he asks for a pint of beer, and the barman says, "Certainly sir, but why the long face?"

 

A white horse walks into a bar, he asks the barman for a whiskey, "What sort?" asks the barman. "What have you got?" asks the white horse.

 

We've got Johnny Walker, Famous Grouse, Teachers, Bells, Black Douglas, in fact we've even got one named after you... "What, Cyril?" asks the horse.

 

A dog walks into a bar... he says "Woof" it was an iron bar.

 

A dog walks into a bar, he asks the barman for a pint of beer, but the barman refuses to serve him, and tells him to leave. As the dog is going out the bar, the door slams shut on his tail and cuts it off. The poor dog bleeds to death right outside the bar. When the dog gets up to the pearly gates, St. Peter stops him and asks how he died. The dog explains, and St. Peter asks if he brought his tail with him. The dog says no, so St. Peter tells him he will have to go back down and get it before he can come in. The dog's ghost then goes back to the bar, just as the barman calls time. He asks the barman if he has found a tail, and the barman says yes. But when asks for it back, the barman says, "Sorry sir, but by law I'm not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours.

 

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his head. "What's that?" asks the barman, pointing at the newt. "Oh that's just Tiny" replies the man. "Why d'you call him Tiny?" asks the barman. "Cos he's my-newt".

 

A red-neck walks into a bar with a pig under his arm. "Where d'you get that?" asks the barman. "I won it in a raffle" replies the pig.

 

A pig walks into a bar... it says "Oink" it was an iron bar.

 

Redair.

 

 

[Yenn]

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

 

Where did you get that asks the barman.

 

It started as a wart on my ****, said the frog.

 

 

[Guest Redair]

Another man walks into a bar with a giraffe, he orders a pint for himself and one for the giraffe. They drink them, and the man orders two more drinks. They drink them and the man orders two more drinks... this goes on all night until the barman calls time. With that the man turns to leave and the giraffe just collapses on the floor. The barman shouts to the man, "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there", and the man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe".

 

Redair.

 

 

[brothach]

A horse walks into a bar, he asks for a pint of beer, and the barman says, "Certainly sir, but why the long face?"

A horse walks into a medieval bar. The barman says 'aren't you the horse from the last joke?' and the horse says 'neigh!'

 

LOL:)

 

Brodie:yin_yan:

 

 

[Guest pelorus32]

Bloke walks into a bar, orders a beer for himself and a scotch for his dog. After a little while he orders another round. Little while later he orders another round. Then he unzips his fly and urinates against the bar.

 

The publican storms around the bar and says "what do you think you're doing? Get out". The bloke says "look I'm very sorry, I'm so embarrassed about this but I can't help it". Publican says "yeah well whatever get out and don't come back until you've sorted out whatever your problem is."

 

Few months later the bloke comes back into the bar with his dog. The publican says "you again have you got it all sorted?" Bloke says "yeah I've been seeing a psychiatrist and it's all sorted". Then he orders a beer for himself and a scotch for his dog. After a little while he orders another round. Little while later he orders another round. Then he unzips his fly and urinates against the bar.

 

The publican's furious, storms around the bar and says "you told me you'd been seeing someone and it was all sorted". The bloke says "yeah it is, I don't feel the least embarrassed about it any more".

 

:)

 

 

[motzartmerv]

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says "make me one with evrything"

 

 

[w3stie]

A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm, both dressed in Collingwood colours...hats,scarfs, everything. The bartender says "Oi, no dogs allowed". The guy pleads with the bartender, "He's my only mate in life, and we're both big Collingwood fans. The TV's on the blink at home, he's a well-behaved dog, can't we watch?"

 

The bartender relents and says it's OK as long as he causes no trouble. He sits at the bar watching the game on the big TV with the dog on his lap, and nothing much happens until Collingwood scores a point. At this the dog jumps down, twirls around and jumps back up on to the guy's lap. Everyone thinks thaat's pretty cute. Eventually Collingwood scores a goal, and this time the dog jumps onto the bar, stands on his hind feet and moonwalks the length of the bar giving high-fives to the patrons.

 

The owner thinks he's in trouble with the bartender, but the bartender is as amazed as everyone at this behaviour. He says to the dog's owner, "That's amazing, what does it do if Collingwood wins a game?" The guy says, "I don't know, I've only had him 12 years!"

 

 

[Guest palexxxx]

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says "make me one with evrything"

I don't get it. Am I missing something? Please explain.

 

 

[Guest airsick]

I feel compelled to add to this seemingly pointless but nonetheless amusing discussion.

 

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, "We have a drink named after you."

 

The grasshopers looks back at him and says, "What! Kevin?"

 

 

[motzartmerv]

Palexxx....Think about it mate.... a buddhist.....one with evrything....;)

 

 

[Guest Redair]

Palexxx, to reach enlightenment one must first be the hotdog, then one must eat the hotdog:laugh:

 

Redair.

 

 

[w3stie]

A man runs into an Old West bar and screams "Big Jakes a comin' to town". There is pandemonium as the patrons knock over tables and drinks, climbing over each other in their rush to get out. Eventually the dust settles and everything goes quiet. The only person left in the bar is a traveller new to town, who got knocked out in the panic. He hears a slow clip-clop coming down the street, and hides behind the bar.

 

Peering over the top, he sees a huge man on a huge bull ride up slowly. He gets off, punches the bull between the eyes, dropping it one blow, tears the saloon doors off with his enormous hands and stomps up to the bar. He spots the small man quivering behind the bar and says "You the barkeep?" The man thinks quickly and says "Sure buddy, let me get you one on the house."

 

"Nah I can't stay" says the guy, "Big Jakes comin to town."

 

 

[slartibartfast]

Sorry Keith (tvaner). I felt compelled to delete your post. Not only was that joke posted 5 posts earlier, but you pasted it twice.:ah_oh:

 

Great joke though. I can't wait to tell my Dad the Collingwood fan.

 

 

[Guest palexxxx]

Palexxx....Think about it mate.... a buddhist.....one with evrything....;)

nope........still don't get it.....I thought you may have written buddhist by mistake instead of rabbi......get it........a hot dog with the lot........uncircumcised.....get it..... Oi Vai.........

 

 

[motzartmerv]

lol..that would work to... but if ya don't get it ya don't get it...The buddhist seek enlightenment and a "oneness" with evrything...see... one with evrything....;)

 

 

[Guest pecram air]

to subtle for me

 

 

[motzartmerv]

lol... you old fullas need to get out more:laugh:

 

 

[Jabiru Phil]

Guy walks into bar with a head under his arm, he explaines to bar tender and customers that it is his son and its his 21st birthday. The customers buys the son a schooner and immediately a torso pops out, they buy him another and arms appear, the crowd are cheering. After the next drink, legs pop out, the crowd are going mad. One more drink and he takes wobbly step towards the batwing doors and staggers out onto the road only to be run over by a truck and killed, the crowd are hushed and in tears for the father who had looked after his son for 21 years and end like this.

 

The barman who had taken all this in while polishing glasses said....

 

He should have quit while he was a head.

 

 

[Guest palexxxx]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

 

[Guest Redair]

A man walked into a bar... he didn't do or say anything in case he wasn't politically corret, so he left.

 

Redair.

 

Mmmm, I really don't think these PC jokes will catch on.

 

 

[Ben Longden]

Mmmm, I really don't think these PC jokes will catch on.

Just keep em' coming. One day the PC people will catch on that being PC is just BS.... (er..thats Bloody Silly) :smiley4:

 

Ben

 

 

[Guest coyote2]

Pom walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a whiskey for a frog whch is sitting on his head.Barmans curiosity gets the better of him and he asks "Why do you have a frog sitting on your head" Whereupon the frog replied "Started off as a wart on my bum"

 

 

[mechfx]

A Scotsman , An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar,

 

The Barman looks up and says

 

" Is this some kind of joke ?"

 

 

[planedriver]

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a naughty"

 

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister, who works behind the bar."

 

 

[Rich]

Anotherone

 

A set of Jumper Leads walks into a pub and goes up to the bar and the bartender says

 

I'll serve you, but dont start anything

 

Cheers

 

Rich