The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

21 hours ago, turboplanner said:

 ....Turbo wasn't about to distance himself from his lifelong mate bull, who'd always paid the bar bill after Cappy and Turbo and that snitch OT called in to Bone, and then skipped around the tiny distances of Tasmania.

 

"You little...........

..... beauty" said Turbo, referring to OT's .....

Edited Tuesday at 06:57 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

....new best seller "Beyond the Fence; still keeping rabbits out" with a foreword by CT from Darraweit Guim and a full length photo of OT dressed in a Davey Crocket style rabbit suit.

 

For the diehard AUFs there's a chapter on shooting rabbits from Drifters, a  chapter on skinning a drifter with sewn and bonded rabbit skins - the right way and the wrong way.

 

Ot touches on the very delicate .......

[onetrack]

.....job of how to ensure the correct fur length for rabbit skins used for wing, tailplane and fuselage cladding, because fur that's too long only gives foxes the mouth-watering dribbles, and will result in the aircraft being ambushed by foxes on takeoff, resulting in some dramatic control movements designed to shake off foxes hanging off aforesaid components, and thus leading to...........

[turboplanner]

....surprisingly better takeoffs and climbs until the last fox couldn't keep his teeth shut and fell off. There was a general discussion in AUF and some people said ........

[onetrack]

......that if the rabbit skins had been treated with disagreeable-flavour tannins, then the fox problem wouldn't have occurred. Others in the AUF said that injuring lovely foxes was abhorrent and constituted animal cruelty, and would lead to picketing of the AUF HQ by the Fox Rescuers and Animal Liberationists.

CT was heard to mutter under his breath that he'd like to deal with Fox Rescuers and Animal Liberationists just like he dealt with rabbits around YGDG (DG Internationational, in case you're not up with all the latest ICAO codes) - and that was viciously, from an aerial position of strength, and with a 12g, 2-3/4" chamber SxS Tonolini, and a box of BB's, thus instilling............

[Captain]

5 hours ago, onetrack said:

......that if the rabbit skins had been treated with disagreeable-flavour tannins, then the fox problem wouldn't have occurred. Others in the AUF said that injuring lovely foxes was abhorrent and constituted animal cruelty, and would lead to picketing of the AUF HQ by the Fox Rescuers and Animal Liberationists.

CT was heard to mutter under his breath that he'd like to deal with Fox Rescuers and Animal Liberationists just like he dealt with rabbits around YGDG (DG Internationational, in case you're not up with all the latest ICAO codes) - and that was viciously, from an aerial position of strength, and with a 12g, 2-3/4" chamber SxS Tonolini, and a box of BB's, thus instilling............

..... some discipline into the Fox and Bunny populations around DG.

 

But then the issue of the coverings for Foxbats (the Ultralight, not the Mikoyan-Gurevich MIG 25 variant) were raised by Cappy, as given the protected status of Chiroptera there is a shortage of bat skin for use on the empennages.

 

Foxes were of little bit of a worry for a while as Ukraine was full of them, but after the Russians started eating them and stuffing their pelts with cluster munitions (some even pre-eating), they (the foxes, not the Russians) all buggered off en-masse into Poland and the poles have been harvesting pelts and selling them back to Aeroprakt at considerable profit.

 

However, the bat killing has fueled an underground black market that has the Mexican Drug Cartels getting involved to supply to the shortage (for a while 6 square inches of bat skin was more expensive than a pound of cocaine or fentanyl).

 

Therefore, Flying Foxes, the etymological crossover point between foxes and bats, provided the ideal opportunity for Turbine Pteropus Alecto Pty Ltd to convert 20% of their cat farms, and turn them upside down, in order to house & harvest the pelts from these smelly little ......  

 

Edited Wednesday at 08:31 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

characters who have teeth that can bite clean through a finger as Turbo can attest when he disturbed one that he thought was sleeping.

It was Turbo who pointed out that handling the little creatures was going to be the Achilles heel.. and they sucked blood out of you when you slept.

The race was on to find an easier way to skin a Drifter, and .......

[Captain]

51 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

characters who have teeth that can bite clean through a finger as Turbo can attest when he disturbed one that he thought was sleeping.

It was Turbo who pointed out that handling the little creatures was going to be the Achilles heel.. and they sucked blood out of you when you slept.

The race was on to find an easier way to skin a Drifter, and .......

.... grave robbing became the next option, as suggested by ....

 

[Captain]

25 minutes ago, Captain said:

.... grave robbing became the next option, as suggested by ....

 

.... OT, because in WA everything dries out like they did in Egypt and once covered in sand the skin is preserved just like new.

 

Therefore this needs no tanning and no stretching over frames ahead of application onto the Drifter ot Foxbat.

 

So Foxbat downgraded their operations from the middle of the Ukraine war zone to the even worse conditions 10 kms west of Southern Cross, and sent teams of grave robbers out into the .....

[turboplanner]

10 hours ago, Captain said:

.... OT, because in WA everything dries out like they did in Egypt and once covered in sand the skin is preserved just like new.

 

Therefore this needs no tanning and no stretching over frames ahead of application onto the Drifter ot Foxbat.

 

So Foxbat downgraded their operations from the middle of the Ukraine war zone to the even worse conditions 10 kms west of Southern Cross, and sent teams of grave robbers out into the .....

........outback where they met Morton, who said in that broad Western Desert accent "Hi Bros, What's Up!"

The leader said, in Ukrainian, "We are looking for skins!"

Morton turned white and quietly said "They THAT way!, pointing with his beard.

He thought they were like the Kal cops - after HIS skin. They thought a local had just put them onto a multi million dollar source of income. Strange how two people listening to the same words can conclude opposite meanings.

 

The Leader, Captain Andriy ordered Captain Aleksander; "March"

Captain Aleksander ordered Sergeant Vlodomir; "March"

Sergeant Vlodomir ordered Corporal Oleksiy; "March"

and the convoy moved off into the desert at a fast pace and they soon came under the scrutiny of the old Afghan camel driver .............

 

 

[Captain]

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

and the convoy moved off into the desert at a fast pace and they soon came under the scrutiny of the old Afghan camel driver ........

..... who was actually a Russian sergeant that went AWOL while fighting in Afghanistan, grew a beard and didn't wash himself or his undies for 12 months, so he qualified to come to OZ as a Govt sponsored refugee on a student visa.

 

"What did you study when you got here?" asked Capt Andriy.

 

"The gullibility of western societies in the Sth Pacific" replied the camel driver.

 

"But what made you come all the way over here to a sh!thole like this?" asked Andriy.

 

"Well, outback WA is a lot like Afghanistan was in the old feudal days before it became more advanced under the Taliban, so I've been looking for gold, and based on my genius genealogical research, Harold Lasseter was actually a Russian named Гарольд Lasseterski (ref Wikipedia), so I'm .....

Edited Thursday at 01:03 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

"........having a look for the two hills and a saddle, a days ride north of the Brindle Dingo track"

"How's the search going" asked Andriy.

"I'm searching along the track to a methodical plan; should be finished when I'm 132" replied the Russian.

"You're a Russian!?" asked Andriy.

"Yes, what's wrong with that?" replied the Russian, and Andriy replied with his Glock.

He looked at the map of the vast search area and realised he'd have to call Airborne Gold Search, Inc. and .............

[Captain]

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

"........having a look for the two hills and a saddle, a days ride north of the Brindle Dingo track"

"How's the search going" asked Andriy.

"I'm searching along the track to a methodical plan; should be finished when I'm 132" replied the Russian.

"You're a Russian!?" asked Andriy.

"Yes, what's wrong with that?" replied the Russian, and Andriy replied with his Glock.

He looked at the map of the vast search area and realised he'd have to call Airborne Gold Search, Inc. and .............

..... widen the search using manned ultra ultra ultra ultralight drones.

 

Meanwhile Гарольд had been left for dead beside the track and had only survived because of the ex US special forces Afghan left-behind bulletproof vest that he had bought at the Pakistani black market in Leonora.

 

"Thank goodness that Glock was only a 9 mm and not a 10," he said as he brushed off the .....

[turboplanner]

.....lead shavings. and started the five day walk back to the nearest civilisation which was old Ed Sherry 600 km from Great Boulder.

Ed sat on his verandah every day with his 12 gauge shotgun; he didn't like visitiors and he watched as a small speck appeared on the horizon; his foot itched ............

[Captain]

48 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....lead shavings. and started the five day walk back to the nearest civilisation which was old Ed Sherry 600 km from Great Boulder.

Ed sat on his verandah every day with his 12 gauge shotgun; he didn't like visitiors and he watched as a small speck appeared on the horizon; his foot itched ............

....., his trigger finger twitched on his double trigger Baikal, and he played the theme from Dr Zhivago in the background, as his pet bear sat at his feet.

 

Ed, whose real name was Eduard, had escaped Russia (what would be the odds, eh?) after Vlad had sent the Uranium Tipped Umbrella Gang after him (known throughout Russian black comedy circles as the You-TUG boys) and he'd been happy hiding out in outback western OZ, except that he'd had to dump his pet black bear with its nose ring, and substitute a koala.

 

Ed recognized the peculiar ..... 

Edited Thursday at 09:15 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....the shape as clearly a man; the mirage had got his heartbeat up for the last 30 minutes. His pet Koala was called Anthony.

Anthony gave a low grunt now signifying that this man would do them no harm. Anthony had come from Canberra where weekend shooters were always out trying to pot the bears which had learnt to communicate to avoid being shot. For example if Turbo were to approach Anthony he would give  a series of short grunts signifying "This man is like Jesus and he'll likely be giving us buckets of the sweetest leaves; that's what Turbo's like"

If CT walked in there'd be a high pitched scream, code for "HE'S GOT A GUN!"

If OT arrived there'd be a low crooning and one of the bears would offer him a leaf (not that he would eat a gum leaf, but you never know), but when Cappy showed up they would all run and ...........

[onetrack]

.......hide, heads buried in the bushes, thus showing Cappy their bare bums, a regular method of showing dislike for people in authority in the colonies. Cappy was shocked to see all these bare bums pointed at him, and asked, "What have I.............

 

 

Edited Friday at 12:35 AM by onetrack

[turboplanner]

......done? what have I done", but this was a question Cappy was going to have to answer for himself.

 

There were the ........

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......done? what have I done", but this was a question Cappy was going to have to answer for himself.

 

There were the ........

.... cuddly bare bums so accurately described by OT and Turdo, so Cappy was unconcerned, and it just reminded him, fondly, of the after-party at the Wagga CWA AGM.

 

However, when Crappy walked over to the bare bums he soon realised that they were interspersed with 6 - 8 ft goannas that were facing in the opposite direction to the koalas and their fangs were ready to ......

[turboplanner]

35 minutes ago, Captain said:

.... cuddly bare bums so accurately described by OT and Turdo, so Cappy was unconcerned, and it just reminded him, fondly, of the after-party at the Wagga CWA AGM.

 

However, when Crappy walked over to the bare bums he soon realised that they were interspersed with 6 - 8 ft goannas that were facing in the opposite direction to the koalas and their fangs were ready to ......

........tear strips off Cappy's ample hide.

It was a WA ambush, and Turbo recalled the dinner he had in Port Augusta with a Walien telling him about Bungarra attacks and how a man fell asleep out in the desert and work up without arms and legs, or the ..............

[onetrack]

.....horror of W.A. Drop Possums (the East Coast have Drop Bears, the West has Drop Possums), and warning him the W.A. Possums are as big as Cougars and twice as vicious, and they lay in wait in trees, ready to drop on their unsuspecting human prey passing below.

 

Not many people know that OT bears the scars of a W.A. Drop Possum attack, he's one of the few survivors of such an attack, and recounting the attack makes listeners hairs stand up on the back of their necks, with the listeners making sure, in their trips to W.A. that they never venture out at night under big W.A. trees, because they now know that.........

 

(and here, dear NES readers, we have one of the W.A. Drop Possums victims last photos from a fatal attack, showing the Possum ready to pounce......)

[Captain]

33 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Not many people know that OT bears the scars of a W.A. Drop Possum attack, he's one of the few survivors of such an attack, and recounting the attack makes listeners hairs stand up on the back of their necks, with the listeners making sure, in their trips to W.A. that they never venture out at night under big W.A. trees, because they now know that.....

... the WA Drop Possums are getting 10% bigger & more vicious each year, plus are much more dangerous than an 8ft goanna as they aren't scaredy cats like the Goannas, where these relatively gutless lizards run around to the other side of trees. The Drop Possums just hiss, bare their 2 inch fangs and attack without hesitation.

 

Their tactics are to render any human unconscious from the force of the initial drop and the males will then bite & rip their victim on the throat, whereas the females will finish the victim off by strangling them with their prehensile tail.

 

To further demonstrate what Onesie reported from his own terrifying experience, even 15 ft Saltys do an involuntary # 2s if they see a drop possum in the trees over their slide.

 

The drop possums also completely ...... 

 

This Salty was one of the 1st to be killed, just by the initial drop, of a male Drop Possum. Easterners wouldn't believe it and the Drop Possum casualty rate amongst uncareful tourists is now many hundreds more than those taken by crocs.

How lucky was OT to survive his encounter?

Edited Friday at 04:40 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

...........terrify Turbo who was competing in a heat for the WA Championship at the Bunbury track. The first round of 8 heats was about to conclude and Turbo was running about fifth when there was a CRASH from the branches overhead. Turbo was just in time to get away but a herd of drop possums jumped the last six drivers, even though they were travelling at race speed. The possums were so fast that they were just a blur to the spectators and they ripped the cars apart to get at the drivers. Within a few minutes all that was left was six skeletons and a truckload of junk. All cameras and phones were confiscated in case the news media showed the carnage and the whole of Australia stopped going outside their front doors Turbo kept a Tibia handing in his workshop to show young drivers the danger of hanging at the back of the field; many records were broken after that, and .........

[Captain]

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The possums were so fast that they were just a blur to the spectators and they ripped the cars apart to get at the drivers. Within a few minutes all that was left was six skeletons and a truckload of junk. All cameras and phones were confiscated in case the news media showed the carnage and the whole of Australia stopped going outside their front doors Turbo kept a Tibia handing in his workshop to show young drivers the danger of hanging at the back of the field; many records were broken after that, and .......

.... Turbo was immediately elevated to the Legend status that he deserved.

 

After all, winning at Bunbury was the pinnacle, and the most prestigious thing that a driver could ever achieve, worldwide.

 

Since that win, Turbo has had to knock back friend requests from Al Unser, Mario Andretti, Jim Clark, Enzo Ferrari, Fangio and Fred Offenhauser, who offered to rename his engine as the Turbohauser, in Tubb's honour.

 

Turbo is a great driver and a very humble man, exactly similar in make-up to Valentino Rossi, but Turbo doesn't always wear make-up as much as he used to, so he often looks pretty plain in his .....

Edited Friday at 04:39 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......dark grey Armano suit, where he is often lost in the crowd, but .......