The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

33 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......dark grey Armano suit, where he is often lost in the crowd, but .......

.... those Armano suits are a knockoff of the prized Italian Armani suits, and are supplied by a bloke named Hop Lee who has them made in Nth Korea and shipped into Moorabbin via .....

 

 

Edited December 20, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......a dealer in Honkers whe strips the lining out and sells it for........

[Captain]

.... use in multi coloured rainbow burkas (with poly mesh in the letterbox slot), which he then sells on to .....

 

Edited December 20, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......Rebels and Terrorists [insert today's enemies of the USA] to make them more visible to the 50 cal snipers.

 

They are then collected by the UN which has made so much money from its Global Warming programme they they now collect them in Cat Powered International MRAPs rather than cheap Land Rovers.

 

The UN then sells them to Pakistanis who love colourful clothes, bringing in more money to the UN which has promised to fix all dripping taps by 2030, and they.....

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The UN then sells them to Pakistanis who love colourful clothes, bringing in more money to the UN which has promised to fix all dripping taps by 2030, and they.....

.... also sell a percentage to the Red Cross and to Amnesty International so that minor/new terrorist bands can be supported surreptitiously, as opposed to the major terrorists that are supported directly by the UN's own bleeding heart subsidiaries.

 

But back to the 2 Russians meeting up in the West Aussie desert, where Гарольд said to Ed "I'm in favor of this lack of snow and ice, as you can stick Siberia where the sun doesn't shine (for half the year), but Geez Louiseski tavarishch, this red sand really gives me the .....

Edited December 20, 2024 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....worst itchy rash, where I've never had a rash before!" Ed replied, "I've got a cure for that - and it also involves Goannas. I use Goanna Liniment - it cures everything from nasty rashes right through to AIDS and COVID-19, and if you smear some Goanna Liniment on the control cables and pulleys in your aircraft (long overdue avref), you'll be amazed at what the stuff does to aircraft performance!"

 

"What? Even on the Polikarpov I-16 control cables and pulleys?", said Гарольд. "Yes, it makes anything and everything more supple and pliable", said ED. "That's incredible news!", said Гарольд, "Where can I get some of this fabulous, almost magical liniment?" "Well", said Ed, "First, you have to catch a big Bungarra and kill it. This is not easy, as the savagery of big Bungarras is well known, just ask any snake! After you've managed to kill the Bungarra, you then have to........

[turboplanner]

.......render the fat while trying to avoid the razor sharp claws, teeth and scales; the carcasses can twitch for day and your hands......

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......render the fat while trying to avoid the razor sharp claws, teeth and scales; the carcasses can twitch for day and your hands......

.... need to roll the goanna up like an empty tube of toothpaste. Keep rolling, and it's the final 100 gms of goop that comes out of its nose that contains the magical liniment.

 

Collect that in your panican and .....

[turboplanner]

.......simmer on the campfire coals for four hours...........

[Captain]

..... then  .....

[turboplanner]

....stir vigorously and simmer for another four hours before........

[CT9000]

......cooking at high heat for another eight hours before ......

[Captain]

..... a period of isotropic cooling (hence why the final product is so expensive), after which you can skim off the green mucasean crust and then ......

Edited December 21, 2024 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....adding essence of bat legs (assists in curing flight problems), some ground tiger penis powder (assists in getting strength into weak things), several dingo hairs (adds bite to the product), and a litre of used crankcase oil (30 weight and heavier is preferred - and this final element adds the lubricity required). Some Box Poison leaves are finally introduced to the steaming solution, which aids greatly in killing any life-form that remains, after the liniment is applied.

 

Once cooled, the mixture is allowed to settle, the scum is skimmed off the top, and you end up with the pure Goanna Liniment, ready to pour into little goanna-shaped cans.

 

Turbo watched with great interest as this process was being carried out by Ed and his sidekick, Jimmy "One-eye" Wangkirny, who controlled the ingredients amounts, while Ed did the stirring. It was obvious Turbo was eyeing the commercial potential of copying.........

[turboplanner]

42 minutes ago, onetrack said:

.....adding essence of bat legs (assists in curing flight problems), some ground tiger penis powder (assists in getting strength into weak things), several dingo hairs (adds bite to the product), and a litre of used crankcase oil (30 weight and heavier is preferred - and this final element adds the lubricity required). Some Box Poison leaves are finally introduced to the steaming solution, which aids greatly in killing any life-form that remains, after the liniment is applied.

 

Once cooled, the mixture is allowed to settle, the scum is skimmed off the top, and you end up with the pure Goanna Liniment, ready to pour into little goanna-shaped cans.

 

Turbo watched with great interest as this process was being carried out by Ed and his sidekick, Jimmy "One-eye" Wangkirny, who controlled the ingredients amounts, while Ed did the stirring. It was obvious Turbo was eyeing the commercial potential of copying.........

......this process, but he had started to hiss and scratch himself and caught himself looking at the nearest tree. Maybe.......

[onetrack]

.....some Goanna Liniment is what he actually needed right at this moment?", he thought - as his tongue started to dart in and out. He couldn't hold back any longer, he made a rush at the big vat that Ed was stirring, and knocking both Ed and Jimmy aside, he scrambled up onto the edge of the vat, and started to dip his right hand (now starting to look like a claw) into the bubbling solution.

 

Then it happened - the worst thing that could happen. Turbo lost his grip and fell, right into..............

[turboplanner]

.....the middle of the bubbling tub of what would become on the world markets as "Possum Tough" a fragrance used only by men who could afford it."

 

It started even before Turbo had climbed over the side of the tub. Chicks started running and asking "favours" even before his feet touched the ground, which was some hours later.

 

This time he was too late (not in the tub); Cappy had patented "Possum Tough" and he knew the ingredients and process because Turbo always answered his persistent questioning which had started when he was only ..........

Edited December 22, 2024 by turboplanner

[Captain]

..... casually interested, for Cappy needed something to mask his natural musk, which has proven irresistible to the ladies over his many years, so he changed the name then patented and registered "Muff Musk Mask" which should do the trick, if he could just learn to say that 3 times in succession. 

 

But just as Cappy was curing his own oversupply of ladies issues, Turbo's time in the tub saw him converting into a half goanna/half bloke, so Cappy snapped the below photo to document the fact, and for subsequent use by the local Aboriginal group when they raised him up into the Dreaming, where the Goanna/Turbo, soon known just as The Garbo, were elevated to compete for national attention with the Rainbow Serpent.

 

This resulted in Turbo appearing as The Garbo to huge applause, and gigantic appearance fees (excluding the essential kickbacks to the Local Land Council), at every Welcome To Cuntry throughout WA, and at ......

 

This is the actual photo that Cappy snapped.

Turbo has always looked a bit suss, but as per his new appearance, as below, you can understand why he has now become such a gay icon, alongside Zena the Warrior Princess 

Edited December 22, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......the same time meeting the local Corporations and buying their land off them. The sweetener was always a penthouse on the Gold Coast for the Elder.

There was some argument after the Elder and the boys arrived at the 1950s dog boxes that were the penthouses of the day, but Turbo currently owned 68% of Australia.

 

The problem was wearing a suit, and he decided to have his tail amputated after being assured he could get a prosthesis.

 

The operation .......

[onetrack]

.....was slated to be carried out by a very famous surgeon, who we'll not name here, for privacy reasons - but when Turbo woke up after the anaesthetic wore off, he was shocked to see OT was the leading surgeon!

 

"Aaaahh", said OT (giving his best Bob'awk impression), "There was a little problem that arose right after the anaesthetist administered your dose, and put you under - you thrashed around viciously under the anaesthetic, and badly scratched the surgeon - so much so, he couldn't carry out the tail removal operation!"

 

"The surgeons team were at a loss as to what to do, until one of them remembered my skills at crutching, dehorning, and steer castration, and called me in as matter of urgency!

Naturally, I felt obliged to help out an old trucking mate, so I got here post haste, and did the tail job in 30 seconds flat, with my best............

 

Edited December 22, 2024 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

........elastrator knife.

 

Did........you, did you squeeze the handle aske Turbo, trembling...............

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........elastrator knife.

 

Did........you, did you squeeze the handle aske Turbo, trembling...............

.... "Yes mate" replied OT "But I had to bite the last bits off like me and David Niven used to do to de-nut young rams."

 

Turbo looked down to double check that his "young ram bits" were still there and breathed a sigh of relief, but when he looked at where his tail used to be he saw that the final job showed OT's tooth marks, including the missing ones in the front, so that Turbo's extremity where his tail used to be looked like a frill necked lizard that had been hit by a B-triple.

 

"Geez, OT that's worse than before, and now I ......

Edited December 23, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......have to wear oversize trousers and waddle.

"We can whip off a bit more" OT said in the medical jargon, but Turbo declined. He could just see OT advertising "Genuine Turbo Rump with extra fat"

So he went ........

[onetrack]

....to visit a very famous, world-class plastic surgeon, one Dr Nipitoff. Dr Nipitoff was renowned for his ability to reshape bodies into far more attractive shapes, with his skilful hands and scalpel.

Turbo complained, "I can't sit in the seat of a Drifter properly now, since I've been left with this jagged-shape, lumpy bum! It not only affects my ability to walk, it affects my ability to control the aircraft (long-overdue avref), and besides, everyone's laughing at me! It's making me depressed!"

 

"I can clearly see your distress, and I can assure you, I can repair the damage caused by your so-called 'surgeon friend', and it won't cost you any more than $198,000!"

"On completion of the surgery, we also adopt the latest and most revolutionary healing products - one we have discovered, is called 'Goanna Liniment', we use it to speed up the healing process and.......

 

At that, Turbo screamed with a high-pitched scream, jumped up, and ran out of the Dr's office at a speed that would make Usain Bolt look slow. "My goodness!", said Dr Nipitoff, "What an amazing reaction to being told about such a fine healing product to be used on him! I wonder what............

[turboplanner]

.......his problem is?

Cappy, who just happened to be in the waiting room for his fifth beer-gut reduction couldn't help himself and ..............