The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......his problem is?

Cappy, who just happened to be in the waiting room for his fifth beer-gut reduction couldn't help himself and ..............

..... said to the Doc "Can you also take some off my bum as well this time ..... and don't worry, I'll get the Turgidplonker back in here and up on the table, quick stix, for you to do your nip and tuck".

 

"He'll need more than just a nip & tuck, Cappy old mate. He's a mess and has got some serios issues, but tell me, he appears to also have an old bullet wound where the sun doesn't shine. What should I do with that" replied the Doc.

 

"That was me, mate, up the Khyber, and I plugged him close to his bullseye. I may have had a few gins when that happened, but it was a Swan Lager-soaked OT, this time, that made the mess around his tail and given that I've had a good squizz, I can no longer see how Tubb can go to the dunny unless he ..... 

Edited December 23, 2024 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....gets a top-class proctologist to give him a bypass and a colostomy bag. "Well, he's already in possession of what would pass for a pouch, around his gut now, so I don't see what the problem is?"

 

"Well, the problem is", said the Doc, "someone has to break the news to him gently, and as he's obviously already endured a considerable amount of trauma, I'm not sure that he could absorb the trauma of being advised he now needs to have a colostomy bag?"

 

"He'll handle it", said Cappy. "This is my Khyber Pass compatriot, we've endured a lot more up the Pass". The Doc took this in, and then said...........

[bull]

4 minutes ago, onetrack said:

.....gets a top-class proctologist to give him a bypass and a colostomy bag. "Well, he's already in possession of what would pass for a pouch, around his gut now, so I don't see what the problem is?"

 

"Well, the problem is", said the Doc, "someone has to break the news to him gently, and as he's obviously already endured a considerable amount of trauma, I'm not sure that he could absorb the trauma of being advised he now needs to have a colostomy bag?"

 

"He'll handle it", said Cappy. "This is my Khyber Pass compatriot, we've endured a lot more up the Pass". The Doc took this in, and then said...........

are you sure?🤷‍♀️ .....but the point became mute shortly as 😎 Bull strode into the room and straight up said to Turdo ,,Hey one good thing about the bag thing old mate ah ,,,you wont have to worry about buying shit paper ah.....Tubbs looked around at the doc and Cappy and then turned back to Bull and said.............

[Captain]

1 hour ago, bull said:

are you sure?🤷‍♀️ .....but the point became mute shortly as 😎 Bull strode into the room and straight up said to Turdo ,,Hey one good thing about the bag thing old mate ah ,,,you wont have to worry about buying shit paper ah.....Tubbs looked around at the doc and Cappy and then turned back to Bull and said.............

.... "sound reasoning there bull. Based on that I think I'll get one even if I don't need one, and I'll get another one fitted as a spare, just in case."

 

When the general population found out what work Turdbro was having done, they all wanted one too.

 

The result was a dire shortage of colostomy bags, so they had to use a .......

Edited December 23, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....Woolworths size L6 bag. Soon there were people all over town out on early morning walks lifting their jumpers to show their L6s and before long there was a .........

[Captain]

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....Woolworths size L6 bag. Soon there were people all over town out on early morning walks lifting their jumpers to show their L6s and before long there was a .........

..... massively popular L6 Fashion Parade at Myers, where Elle, Christi, Jerry, Noami and Deryn Hinch all participated and hitched up their blouses to flash their .....

[turboplanner]

Woolies bags.

It became a craze with 7 million Australians having the simple operation.

The Medical industry advertised them with "Ever been caught short and found all the doors shut?"  Always have a door open with L6.

 

And then in the Supermarket....."Great news! We have replaced L6 plastic bags with Paper biodegradable bags which melt on contact with water.

WOOLIES! THINKING OF YOUR KIDDIES FUTURE

 

There was .......................

[Captain]

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

There was .........

..... also some pushback from Aldi, who had bought 6 billion Chinese corostami bags but all turned out to be factory seconds from 1950 and leaked immediately when the attachment tube split + broke off on 1st use.

 

This meant that the fad had a .....

[turboplanner]

.....certain weakness, which started to curb the numbers of enthusiasts, especially in crowded latte joints with poor airflow and ......

[onetrack]

.........limited disposal facilities. This problem led to Turbo inventing the Wooworths EL6 model of bag, which came with factory-infused Chanel No. 5.5 in the weave. Naturally, as the Turbo bag was a knockoff, so was the Chanel No. 5.5. The perfume was actually refined cat urine from the Turbine Cat farms, which actually smelt better than..............

[turboplanner]

.......Chanel No. 5.5 anyway.  [For NES Readers; the Turbine Team don't call it cat urine, we call it tinkling water.]

The sales exploded to the point where................

 

[Captain]

37 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......Chanel No. 5.5 anyway.  [For NES Readers; the Turbine Team don't call it cat urine, we call it tinkling water.]

The sales exploded to the point where................

 

.... some wag Turbine Team member also named it Holy Water, which was marketed as a package with an incense burner, and sales went even ...

[turboplanner]

......higher, then Turbo handed a grand to his local Father and wondered if the church needed a new roof and btw would the Father recommend his new Holy Water to the Pope and maybe he needed a new Chevy Corvette Popemobile and a week later the Pope had blessed the Holy Water and called it Nectar or Jesus, and the sales went through the roof. It paid for te Father to get a new two story church with gaming machines on the lower floor and the Pope to get his new Chevy and a Pope 1 aircraft to match Airforce 1, and ........

[Captain]

.... Turbo was awarded a tall white hat and a golden staff (no, not the infection) with which to smite his enemies.

 

This, and the fact that .....

[turboplanner]

......he had a list of 15 recipients, kept him smiting for a month.

He particularly smited OT repeatedly for his botched operation, and he smited his local coffee shop owner for putting up his prices and was rewarded with free coffee for life. He smit his car dealer and got a free Land Cruiser.

He even smote the Bank Manager and was given a no interest overdraft for as much as he wanted.

He smit the chick at the bakery but had to run................

[Captain]

... when she wanted to put Turbo's pride and joy into the bread slicer.

 

Turbo bucked at that, but the bread slicer, whose name was Meg, had other .....

[turboplanner]

.....ideas.

Meg sterilised the knife by running it through the flame of a match. 

"Just a quick slice here, and a chop there: and we'll have you looking like an Adonis" she said.

Turbo wasn't good on history but didn't want to look like an Italian but before he could protest, she'd sliced and diced him and he was bleeding profusely but in the nicest of shapes.

After a good hose-down Meg bandaged him delicately and after about six weeks Turbo was able to sit down again.

It was a few days later that he realised she had microchipped him with the serial number of a Jabiru J170D.

But why........

[Captain]

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It was a few days later that he realised she had microchipped him with the serial number of a Jabiru J170D.

But why........

...... only the 4 cylinder, when Turbo is clearly a finely tuned & fuel injected V10 or even a poxier downdraft Stromberg GM pushrod V8 in a red car from a bygone era?

 

"I agree" commented Cappy "I have known Turbo for many decades, and he is the epitome of a Merlin if ever there was one, so if anyone really deserves to be chipped with the serial number of a Spitfire (and a Mk VIII at that) it is ...... 

 

Meg did a great job on cleaning Turbs up, as described in Tubb's last post, particularly with removing all those hundreds of rotting skin tags and the other unsightly dangly bits.

Edited December 24, 2024 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....our beloved entrepreneur and occasional war hero (he's only ever fought occasionally at the best of times, but we'll not cover that here), Cat farm owner of some notoriety, a speedway racer of major notoriety, and a former pilot of even bigger notoriety.

The last-mentioned area of notoriety was the reason Meg chipped him. She wanted to make sure she knew where he was at all times - and also included in the chip, a concise history of his notoriety, able to be read by any $5 Chinese RFID chip reader. 

The problems started when Turbo was picked up by a City of Kingston Council Ranger as he was searching for Moorabbin Airport perimeter parking breaches. His RFID reader went off as Turbo was walking his.........

[Captain]

..... pet .....

[turboplanner]

........Macaw "Cappy" along the beach at his resort. He was named after Captain and unfortunately over time and picked up some of Cappy's regular sayings. As we came to each female Cappy would say "Nice XXXX". Some would give an inviting smile to Turbo, but Cappy's words were not always appreciated and they would give him a sharp rebuke. Somehow he'd equated a sharp response to the saying "Who's lost their pussy!" and if there was another rebuke Cappy woulld up the ante with............

[Captain]

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Somehow he'd equated a sharp response to the saying "Who's lost their pussy!" and if there was another rebuke Cappy would up the ante with........

..... a very cutting, yet exceedingly clever and funny response on the subject of The Turbine Pussy Farms and the fact that Turbo sometimes partakes of the ......

[onetrack]

........cheap offerings at the local market, mobile food trucks - otherwise known as Bait Layer trucks. On one visit to the markets just on closing time, Turbo seized on the opportunity to get a cheap feed, when he sighted a "Hungarian Goulash Special! - tonight only, selling fast! - only $7!".

 

Turbo raced up to the truck with alacrity, and ordered the HG Special - but after receiving his special on a cheap paper plate, and walking around the back of the truck, he sighted 118 empty cans, labelled "Turbine Food Industries - SPAM".

 

He was stunned. He thought the cat carcasses his operation processed after the fur stripping, would only be sold in 3rd world countries - but no, here was proof someone in the System had managed to sell a whole pile to the food truck marketers. All of a sudden, his HG Special didn't look so special or tasty any more - so he offered the meal to a passing bloke, who bore quite a resemblance to..........

[turboplanner]

.......Jesus Christ. He turned the pieces into fish and offered them free to anyone who would stop and listen to his story which went something like this; "The AUF used to have a lot of very clever people but............

[onetrack]

.......in the earliest days of the world, when aircraft were made of rag and tube, and all recreational aircraft engines were 2 strokes started with a pull cord, there camest out of the East, Wise Men calling themselves Recreational Aviation Australia.

These Wise Men came bearing gifts and promises to the AUF stable, inside which place they prophesied that the RA-A would lead the world out of aviation darkness, and into the aviation light of the coming centuries. The AUF was taken in by these prophecies, and looked for............