The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

16 hours ago, onetrack said:

.......in the earliest days of the world, when aircraft were made of rag and tube, and all recreational aircraft engines were 2 strokes started with a pull cord, there camest out of the East, Wise Men calling themselves Recreational Aviation Australia.

These Wise Men came bearing gifts and promises to the AUF stable, inside which place they prophesied that the RA-A would lead the world out of aviation darkness, and into the aviation light of the coming centuries. The AUF was taken in by these prophecies, and looked for............

..... 1000kgs, 150 knot cruise speeds indicated (avf'nref) and Controlled Airspace Endorsements.

 

Turbo, who is recognised as a Wise Man from just about anywhere, (just consider how little pushback he receives, and how 100% well accepted are his tomes that opinionate on just about any subject on any thread on Wreck Flying) was an expert on aviation darkness, although he had never bothered about a Night Flying Endorsement ("The dickhead regulators (DRs) can't see you then, anyway, if you make sure that you don't have any nav or instrument lights on (so make sure you also turn off your transponder and radio)" he said to rapturous applause, in a paper that he delivered at an AUF AGM). This earnt Turbo the title of ......

 

Below is just a small sample of the thrill of flying at night without lights, a pastime that Turbo encourages all pilots to partake of ........ or he declares them to be "Albos" (wimps and wooses).

 

Edited December 26, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

Honorary board member. Not everyone knew that AUF bms were just Committeemen (so far they had resisted the Diversity that come when women start making decisions (other than their lovely wives of course).

 

So the title was little more than a back-hander, but Turbo used the time to teach trusted friends the art of flying at night without lights.

 

Of course the secondary Module had to be Short Field Landings (SFL) which today's AUF members didn't seem to know much about; If there's a runway for 747s, you can bet there will be Jabirus turning on to the last taxyway. The reason for the module was to make any collisions soft ones.

 

Using just these two Modules the combined BSFL (black) ensured that CASA couldn't touch you.

 

Even the famous aviator Bigglesworth, who flew from the east coast, over the dividing range with just a Morgan and a $3.00 compass was stunned to find after landing at Tocumwal, the parked Challenger on the last tee of the Tocumwal Gold Club.

 

On one occasion, with no runways available and short on fuel one of the BSFLs, bull ............

 

 

[Captain]

..... built a 25 m long deck on the trawler, moored it in McCanes Bay just off the Big Mango, and waited for the new moon.

 

At the appropriate time in the lunar cycle, which had synchronised with Mavis, bull strapped himself into the jackoff after smashing all the globes (he had already ordered a new set of LEDs from Aircraft Spruce), told Mavis not to step on the broken glass, and to take some photos (without a flash), as he undertook a dry run just like Kirby Shambles before an air race, in preparation for commencing his take-off run, ready to head out for a Turdbro inspired short field night-time landing on the trawler, which he had renamed the "hmas bone" for this exercise.

 

"what could possibly go wrong?" said bull as he kissed Mavis where the sun doesn't shine, which is apt, given that the night was as dark as the inside of a cow.

 

bull had a quick pull .....

Edited December 26, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......over stretch to make sure he kept warm, and they were away.

The first thing bull found was that when you smash all the lights you can't see the compass. He should have listened to Turbo's lecture, he thought, but knowing there was a solution he and Mavis started working it out .......

[Captain]

.... after putting it in, and they found a solution that ....

[turboplanner]

.....would work. Mavis would hold her torch on the GPS and bull would  judge the distance from the ground but the amount of foliage being chopped up by the prop.

 

There was a ......

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

.....would work. Mavis would hold her torch on the GPS and bull would  judge the distance from the ground but the amount of foliage being chopped up by the prop.

 

There was a ......

..... moment of concern when, in mid flight after clipping the huge casuarina next to the Big Mango, bull realised that he had left his sunnies on and .....

[onetrack]

.....this, along with still wearing the gumboots he usually wore on the trawler, made controlling the aircraft and landing a little more "tricky" (bull's words, not mine) than usual.

 

However, after bull finally recognised that a hedge of large hibiscus bushes made for a soft landing, he finally plonked the aircraft down in the hibiscus and came to a stop so fast, Turbo and the committee awarded him a special trophy for the Shortest of the Short.

 

As bull was height-challenged, he took offence at being given the award, and in the best bull fashion, he wasted no time in telling Turbo and the committee, "where they could shove their f$#@# Short award!!" Turbo was a little upset at bull taking this award the wrong way, and set out to...........

[turboplanner]

fly again. It was no good, he had no idea whether he was rightside up or facing the ground. Clearly he hadn't read Turbo's epic book "Inside the Pyramid".

Suddenly the calm voice of Mavis rang out "Right aileron; more...more..hold it" and nose up; more, more - we're now in a shallow climb."

Bull was stunned; the engine note was now normal and the noise of branches hitting the windscreen had died away.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

 "Found a piece of string and tied my wedding ring to it"

"But it's pitch black in here how did you work out where the ring was dangling?"

Mavis wouldn't tell him, she was an old WAAF member and they had been trained by old Flight Sergeant Arthur Turbine who used to turn the ligts out in the Mess and .......

Edited December 26, 2024 by turboplanner

[Captain]

.... wait for the mess, which .....

[turboplanner]

........was going to happen when all the airmen came in to practice BSFL.

Arthur eventually taught them how to keep their feet out of the cooking pots and set a course for ......

[onetrack]

......Lake Boga, so they could practise their night ditchings, as well as their BFSL. Bull was wrapped, he always loved the water, and it wouldn't be the first time he managed to catch a bucket of prawns at the same time as he managed a successful night ditching. However, this time was going to be different. This time, there was no...........

[turboplanner]

.......bottom to the lake. You swam or you sank forever, so better to make a successful ditch black or not.

 

Not many people know that Lake Boga is the home of the original Bogans.

 

They.......

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......bottom to the lake. You swam or you sank forever, so better to make a successful ditch black or not.

 

Not many people know that Lake Boga is the home of the original Bogans.

 

They.......

..... were an original native people that were documented in a rock painting in the Grampians back in the dream time, but they had been given the flick by all the other mobs because they invented flanno shirts and knocked out the front teeth of all their kids.

 

They then issued an open invitation to anyone with a front tooth missing to join their tribe .... and were flooded with applications from Collingwood supporters.

 

So black and white flanno shirts became the rage, however all of the other tribes objected to anything white, as it triggered bad memories of invasion day (when Cooky distributed pamphlets throughout OZ titled "The Benefits of the Westminster Parliamentary System"), and this tribal objection to the Bogan mob was endorsed by the Lake Boga and Mallee Land Council, due to the fact that the Hon Sec & Treasurer of The Bogans had forgotten to send the brown envelope with the kickback cash.

 

But Lake Boga continued to prosper massively due to the strong sales performance of bBP (bull's Boga Prawns) and the .......

Edited December 27, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........other branch of the family at Logan were given a Club discount at Logan Fish and Chips.

The Bogans were welcome members of the AUF because they scorned authority, and made CASA FoIs pay the $750 fee for a welcome ceremony every time the boys showed up for ramp checks. 

There was some jealousy from the general group because no one had been smart enough to come up with a similar ceremony.

This came up for discussion at one of the ad hoc AUF secret meetings, and they members decided to develop their own Welcome to Country with a similar fee, because the Bogans always had better Drifters and Smik Thrusters with the latest updates They decided to .........

Edited December 27, 2024 by turboplanner

[Captain]

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

This came up for discussion at one of the ad hoc AUF secret meetings, and they members decided to develop their own Welcome to Country with a similar fee, because the Bogans always had better Drifters and Smik Thrusters with the latest updates They decided to .......

.... increase the specificity of the welcomes, on the basis that $750 for a Welcome to Country could also be charged for a Welcome to Suburb or to each Suburban subdistrict (Eg Chinatown).

 

As a result, the "Welcome to Whatever" (WTW) organization was formed and registered as a subsidiary of Turbine Community Caring Inc, and this meant that even poor kids playing dibbles in a circle in the dirt could be .....

[turboplanner]

....in a position to claim $750.00 for a dibble before talking to Child Welfare, and .....

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....in a position to claim $750.00 for a dibble before talking to Child Welfare, and .....

... use that money to buy some ochre and some gum leaves for use in a the WTC at the Moorabbin Children's Detention Centre, which is full of ....

Edited December 27, 2024 by Captain

[turboplanner]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

... use that money to buy some ochre and some gum leaves for use in a the WTC at the Moorabbin Children's Detention Centre, which is full of ....

....14 yo race car drivers who’d breached bail 21 times.

Their usual drive was an upmarket Audi, and dress code included. Machete, so they were severely limited with the plastic knives and forks in the MCD, but they were learning words like “bro” and......

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....14 yo race car drivers who’d breached bail 21 times.

Their usual drive was an upmarket Audi, and dress code included. Machete, so they were severely limited with the plastic knives and forks in the MCD, but they were learning words like “bro” and......

..... "We know our Rights" & "What is this strange 4 letter word called "Gang" and WTF is a "Machete"?".

 

But it was at night, after the rollcall and lights out, that the problems occurred, as a warder was heard to say to an inmate (now called an "honored guest" under Jacinta's rules) "It's dark and I can't see you, so open your eyes and smile ............ ah there you are."

 

That warder was promoted within the Turbine Private Prisons (TPP) organization, but once Jacinta heard about it she went ape .....

[turboplanner]

.......she had been going ape a lot in recent weeks until the Liberal and National Parties got their heads together and gave her the next election.

She decided she could go ape just once more and phoned Turbo direct on his secret Heads of Government (HOG) phone.

"Turbo you XXXXXXX XXXX, you promised me you'd take control. "They're XXXXXXX WHITE - GET IT?"

"not very often" said Turbo misunderstanding the question, and Jac as she was known to friends went right off "You XXXXXXX XXXX, I'm talking about the XXXXXXX prisoners!" she said and Turbo ........

[Captain]

13 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

"Turbo you XXXXXXX XXXX, you promised me you'd take control. "They're XXXXXXX WHITE - GET IT?"

"not very often" said Turbo misunderstanding the question, and Jac as she was known to friends went right off "You XXXXXXX XXXX, I'm talking about the XXXXXXX prisoners!" she said and Turbo ........

.... soft peddled, as he had always had a bit of a thing for Jac, and he had in mind to get together with her and do a bit of the XXXX'ing and XXXXX'ing that Jac had just mentioned so suggestively.

 

But Jac had been under Dan for quite some time, so Tubb was a little coy and he felt .....

Edited December 28, 2024 by Captain

[onetrack]

.......there was more to be gained by re-directing the discussion to increased funding for airports, aviation in general, subsidies for kit-builders, and Govt funding for RA-Aus.

After he'd made his pitch to Jac, she retorted, "You've got to be XXXXXXXX me, surely? I'm not handing out money willy-nilly to an exclusive group who are in such a minority, they're basically only a blip on the radar!"

 

Turbo responded with soothing words. "You don't understand what I'm getting at, do you? This proposal of mine is all about promoting yourself, by doing a little promoting of a small group, who possess the ability to project your image with an aerial display, that would be so effective, it makes your spending on Saatchi and Saatchi look like the equivalent of burning a full Armaguard truck!"

 

"Well, I never thought of it, that way!", said Jac. "Tell me more about this proposal of yours". Turbo replied, "I have this company set up, it's called Turbine Aviation Promotions, and all we need is.........

[turboplanner]

.......a few mil. to teach these guests to fly and give them a Drifter or Jabiru on graduation; that's a lot less that running the Games for a few people.

Jac laughed, yes, you're right there, and Turbo had to set up a flying school with return to base aircraft.

He went to his good friend OT and asked: "...........

[onetrack]

........you know that auto-dig mining software for excavators and trucks that you developed, that's in wide use in mining today? - do you think you could adapt it to aircraft, so no pilot is needed and the aircraft all automatically take off and land themselves? I can put the learner pilots in the aircraft and they'll think they're piloting with skill on the first day, with no idea the planes are flying themselves!"

 

"Yeah, I reckon I can do that", said OT, and he went straight to his computer and pulled up the programmes, and got right into the software modifications. Within 3 days, he had the programmes sorted, and he sent them off to Turbo to fit to his recently Govt-funded fleet of Drifters and Thrusters.

 

A week later, OT got a call from Turbo. "I haven't heard from you since you fitted up all the aircraft, how's it all going?", said OT. Turbo said through gritted teeth, "Nothing like what I expected. The aircraft are digging holes in the tarmac, and the pilots are being ejected on a regular basis, as the software identifies "foreign object found in cabin", and is the programme supposed to............