The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

floor.

Sometimes the bombs hit the floor which wasn't much fun.

The A7 engine had been chosen because it only had two crank bearings which made it very flexible.

It was Turbo's great grandfather Harry Turbine, who did the head and exhaust extractors and designed the engines mounts and fitted the Sceet and Sh!t.

The finished aircraft was designated B1 by Harry's Factory which he built in France because when the B1s were built it look longer to get them going and fix up all the Sceet breakages and stuff

The B1 was the world's first stealth bomber [this is still Classified information, so NES readers are asked to keep it quiet]. By the time it had climbed to altitude the A7 engine has either snapped the crank or seized, so the attack was done in silence and the German troops would be quaffing their rum, eating roast beef and telling funny stories when "THUD" there was an Australian bomb right beside them in the trench.

History has told the story of valiant pilots in WW2 nursing dead aircraft home across the English Channel, but no one's allowed to talk of the B1 boys who struggled to get their lifeless kites across the Somme.

Harry went on to build the B2, B3, B4, B4 MKII, and so on. It was the Wing of B9's on the morning of D Day that caused Hitler to say "SHEIZEN!, WE ARE XXXXXX!!!!!" and order his tanks to stay well back out of the range where the Germanns knew the engines would start seizing. NES readers will know that "authentic" accounts of D Day all mention Hitler unbelievably halting his Panzers behind the French coast, but this was the classified reason.

Harry Turbine built many more B bombers for the British and Americans including the B29 which had Cadillac-Turbine engines. The B29 could fly on two engines which was proven time and time again when 1 or 2 would always seize on the mission.

After the war the old B1s were brought home to England where people bought them, stripped the armour plate out and called them "Microlights". This was the beginning of .......

[onetrack]

......a thriving cottage industry producing wing and fuselage covering materials utilising secondhand ex-military parachutes, that were cut up and re-sewn into wing and fuselage cladding sections.

 

However, no-one foresaw the awkward development, whereby the parachute material, which had always been designed to plummet (there's that word again) earthwards at all times, started plummetting earthwards regularly again, straight after it was used to cover microlight wings and fuselages.

 

This rather startling result - that only occurred once the microlight had exceeded jump height - caused so much concern, a committee was formed to address the problem and find a cure.

 

To that end, an Official Investigator was appointed, and the person chosen just happened to be another Turbine family member with extensive aviation and jump experience (he was known to jump anything, a common Turbine family failing, but we won't digress at this point), a gent named "Chute" Turbine.

 

His real name had long been forgotten, because his nickname had been used so regularly, everyone thought it WAS his real name. He was nicknamed "Chute" because of his constant habit of indulging in that well-known wombat habit of, "eat...........

 

Edited January 9 by onetrack

[Captain]

..... s roots and leaves, then after a while what is left will exit via the chute",

 

Chute Turbine was named that at school as he was a bit of an a.hole plus he always got things backwards .... or "Arse About Face" as his teachers used to say, hence his other nickname of "AAF" which he licenced to the Australian Air Force before Queen Vic also dropped a Royal on them.

 

Queen Victoria always showed considerable interest in the Turbine family, but blokes only, even after Albert came on the scene, and the Turbine boys responded magnificently by .....

Edited January 9 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........telling her stories of the Great Australian Outback where the Turbines had massive land holdings with millions of sheep and cattle.

Vic, as she was known to the Turbine boys was enthralled by the exciting stories so she phoned up the SA Governor and said "Gov, I'm sending two of my sons out to Orstralia and I want you to organise a horse ride from Adelaide to Melbourne."

Six months later two miserable little pricks landed at Port Adelaide, were equipped in R. M. Williams gear, and joined the group of stockmen and wagon operators for the trip to Melbourne.

The names have been changed in this next part to protect the current families.

They rode quite long days from Station to Station where they spent most nights in the luxurious homes in the Colony.

 

One Station owner, John Conlon had his mansion recarpeted in bright red after the Princes left so he could stick it up the outlying Station owners who weren't on the Princes' route.

When the Princes rode into Melbourne they were tanned, expert horsemen and wanted to stay, but duty called or more precisely Vic, with her renowned temper sent a letter telling them to get their asses out of the pubs and get home.

She was so impressed when her sons returned that she said  the Governor could use her name for the local State...and they did.

Six months later the Queen invited all the Station hosts to Buckingham Palace to knight them all for the wonderful job they'd done.

As they proceeded towards the sword the Queen would ask their name, and when they said "Syd Smith" and kneeled, the Queen would tap them on the shoulder and say "Arise, Sir Sydney Smith"

When it was John Conlan's turn, she asked his name and the pompous mysogenist who would have preferred a King said "MR John Conlan!"

The Queen with her notoriously short fuse, tapped him on the shoulder and said "Arise MR John Conlan."

A similar thing happened ........

 

[Captain]

32 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

A similar thing happened .....

.... to Turbo when Gough recommended him, and John Kerr was about to give Tubb his Gong at Gov House.

 

Johnny asked Turbs "What's ya monika mate?" and Turdy replied "........

[turboplanner]

"I've never been near her!" (thinking he'd been summoned to give evidence on another embarrassing matter), "but it wouldn't surprise me if that reprobate descendant of Captain Cook hadn't been over there......"

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"I've never been near her!" (thinking he'd been summoned to give evidence on another embarrassing matter), "but it wouldn't surprise me if that reprobate descendant of Captain Cook hadn't been over there......"

..... , however it is little known that Johnny K was a player, generally similar to bull but not as successful, so Kerry (as he is known to his mates) asked Turbo for Monica's WhatsApp number in exchange for his 1st knighthood (Turbo is 1 of very few that have more than one such gong from the same system) and a Welcome To Canberra ceremony that involved .....

[turboplanner]

....setting fire to the fountain in the lake which.....

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

....setting fire to the fountain in the lake which.....

... had been pumping out AvGas ever since CASA had required that the tank farm at the airport be connected directly to the helipad at Parliament House and at The Lodge (so that Albo doesn't need to dick around with any common folk to get into a fueled up chopper to head to his mansion at Avoca).

 

Once lit, the fountain had more visitors than Sinney harbor on new year's eve, and the Canberra gum'mint decided to .....

 

Edited January 9 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........make a second lake closer to Parliament House with another avgas fountain so they could just look out the windows, and remember the old days of the service station giveaways and steak and egg breakfasts for three dollars and .......

[Captain]

..... tiger tails hanging out of petrol tanks, then taking a pinch of snuff after tea and scones on the .....

Edited January 10 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......foredeck of the new Titanic.

"These are the days!" said Hiram C. Cook , who owned a string of Scottish hotels (and string was about all you got for breakfast)

"Livin' the dream!" replied Sir Charles Turbine, who was still kicking himself for not inventing the telephone, but he just had to go to the races to see his horse win on the day before Alexander Graham Bell made that immortal broadcast "Who's calling?"

They struck up a conversation, and found they'd both fought in the Crimea.

Then they found they'd both been Members of the Light Brigade, Hiram a Brigadier in brilliant red suit and gleaming  brass, Charlie a Private in drab brown dress and brown "Turbine" family tartan kilt.

Sir Charles remembered Hiram giving that fateful order "Forward the Light Brigade, charge for the guns"

Charles had thought it was a stupid thing to do with the Russians entrenched with cannons all pointing into the valley.

Then into the valley of death rode the 600, cannon to the left of them, cannon to the right of them, cannon in front of them, and cannon pivoting around behind them volleyed and thundered. (Not many people know that with the cannon pointing at each other 3500 Russian soldiers died that day)

Boldly they rode and well.

Into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of hell rode the six hundred.

The Brigadier was taking heavy fire and realised it was his red coat; just as he took it off he was hit in the shoulder by cannon fire, luckily a clean wound with the shot going right through. As Charlie rode past he leaned down and snatched what he thought was a fellow soldier, and rode to the end of the valley. In this position they were trapped, but the bridadier was a forward thinker and had bought Serial No 000002 of the Wright Flyer [avref]production from his mate Wilbur, and parked it at the end of the valley just in case.  They had to use a can of Start Ya Bastard on it but were soon fluttering over the hill to safety 73 feet away.

Sir Charles said to Hiram "Weather doesn't look too good; hope we don't hit an Iceberg!"

Hiram .......

 

[Captain]

.... was totally exhausted, as was Cappy after reading that and noting the plagiarism and lack of copyright references to the struggling writer who originally knocked up the description of the charge up the VOD.

 

"Hey OT, said Crappy when he called WA an hour ago (after waiting for the operator to twirl the handle and put the 9 plugs into the switchboard to eventually get OT's joint). "Do you reckon that Tubb may have had that post composed by a verbose AI bot?".

 

"Don't talk to me about AI, or bot bots" replied Onesie "As we are still working out how to play pacman on my Apple green screen. However I did read the latest from TurdBoy and I think .....

Edited January 10 by Captain

[onetrack]

......he's swallowed a John Laws recording, and it's on permanent playback at full speed, and the docs will have to find a way to extract it from him, possibly through his rear orifice.

 

Either that, or he's planning to take to the stage for a historical event recreation, and he's got a............

 

(by the way, OT wants to know how Cappy got his number, and even more so, how he got past his sister on the switchboard? ....)

[Captain]

.... gig playing Winston Churchill if he can lose a little weight and learn to paint. 

 

Turbo immediately bought a box of cigars and gave everyone 2 fingers, but the wrong way around, and .... 

 

(Re the phone call, I just asked for OEHOR and all the girls seemed to giggle and pass me on to the next one. With regards to your sister, she didnt have to be asked twice as she sounds a bit desperate, so she is meeting me for a coffee tomorrow in the best coffee shop between Perth and Kalgoorlie, as they just received their new Nescafe machine and 5 assorted free sample pods [Which made the front page of the West Australian]. So hopefully that will get your sister going.)

Edited January 10 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....headed for the stage.

The subject of his oratory submission was ..........

[Captain]

39 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....headed for the stage.

The subject of his oratory submission was ..........

.... "The Difficult Transition from Aviation Luminary to Wartime Leader" and he commenced with a self aggrandising introduction which included that shocking anecdote about the time he was ......

[turboplanner]

......flying an XT582 Tundra Microlight 250 km west of Longreach when he was caught by a Willy Willy and thrown about so violently that all but his left leg was outside the aircraft and he had to hang on by his toes.

It's a long title but the story is short and .........

[bull]

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......flying an XT582 Tundra Microlight 250 km west of Longreach when he was caught by a Willy Willy and thrown about so violently that all but his left leg was outside the aircraft and he had to hang on by his toes.

It's a long title but the story is short and .........

.........that is why he walks in circles. Now we can only surmise that.................

[onetrack]

.......something else happened during that dreadful aviation experience, that Turbo is playing down. As most NES'ers know, when Turbo tells a story, it's always......errr....."embellished" shall we say - and that there's always a lot more to the story than Turbo is prepared to reveal.

 

So, while he's keeping the audience enthralled with stories of Churchillian bunkers, previously-unrevealed assassination attempts, secret meetings that changed the course of the worlds history, etc, etc, - the real truth of what actually happened, is far more mundane.

 

In the case of the XT582 Tundra Microlight and the dust devil, it was actually revealed during an RS-Aus investigation (which investigation records seem to have mysteriously disappeared), that Turbo took off with BOTH legs outside the cockpit - as well as no hands on the control bar, in a daring display of showoff, gung-ho flying - which silliness led to Turbo being unable to avoid the dust devil that promptly appeared at the end of the runway, and which dust devil promptly turned the XT581 Tundra on to...........

[bull]

9 hours ago, onetrack said:

.......something else happened during that dreadful aviation experience, that Turbo is playing down. As most NES'ers know, when Turbo tells a story, it's always......errr....."embellished" shall we say - and that there's always a lot more to the story than Turbo is prepared to reveal.

 

So, while he's keeping the audience enthralled with stories of Churchillian bunkers, previously-unrevealed assassination attempts, secret meetings that changed the course of the worlds history, etc, etc, - the real truth of what actually happened, is far more mundane.

 

In the case of the XT582 Tundra Microlight and the dust devil, it was actually revealed during an RS-Aus investigation (which investigation records seem to have mysteriously disappeared), that Turbo took off with BOTH legs outside the cockpit - as well as no hands on the control bar, in a daring display of showoff, gung-ho flying - which silliness led to Turbo being unable to avoid the dust devil that promptly appeared at the end of the runway, and which dust devil promptly turned the XT581 Tundra on to...........

.a point that Iannn had to moderate So lets just say that [having a tumble in the tundra is not what its made out to be!]and move on from this to a...........

[Captain]

5 hours ago, bull said:

.a point that Iannn had to moderate So lets just say that [having a tumble in the tundra is not what its made out to be!]and move on from this to a...........

.... another anecdote from the Turbine library that commences with "It is little known that .....

[turboplanner]

.......the XT582 Microlight can fly by itself. 

When the designers were developing this aircraft, research showed there was a gap in the market; scottish flyers weren't buying Trikes.

Further investation revealed that Scottish buyers had to sell their trikes when they found out they went blind while flying them.

This was not due to what Cappy might be thinking, but with one hand on the throttle and one hand on the bar, their kilts would fly up and cover their faces.

The designers got some Sceet, some light cable, some pulleys and a small lead weight and produced a cheap and effective autopilot, so our Scottish friends could have one hand on the throttle and one on the kilt. Vision was restored.

By cutting the Sceet and making it tapered, the tumbling habit of trikes could be eliminated because the lead weight couldn't climb the taper.

Scottish sales exploded as reported by Alistair McQuorkindale (who goes by the name of Mate.)

Another .........

[bull]

13 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......the XT582 Microlight can fly by itself. 

When the designers were developing this aircraft, research showed there was a gap in the market; scottish flyers weren't buying Trikes.

Further investation revealed that Scottish buyers had to sell their trikes when they found out they went blind while flying them.

This was not due to what Cappy might be thinking, but with one hand on the throttle and one hand on the bar, their kilts would fly up and cover their faces.

The designers got some Sceet, some light cable, some pulleys and a small lead weight and produced a cheap and effective autopilot, so our Scottish friends could have one hand on the throttle and one on the kilt. Vision was restored.

By cutting the Sceet and making it tapered, the tumbling habit of trikes could be eliminated because the lead weight couldn't climb the taper.

Scottish sales exploded as reported by Alistair McQuorkindale (who goes by the name of Mate.)

Another .........

....DEI hire who  miss read the report and sales had actually fallen and was now almost to the break even line and investors where starting to...................

Edited January 12 by bull

[turboplanner]

.........shiver and consider investing in.........