The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

..........free bottles of egg reducing tablets, developed in Zimbabwe after their failed atomic bomb test when all the chook eggs started growing oversize eggs.

Things settle down for a week or so, but then bull couldn't help himself and threw some prawns into the cage..................

 

... and while Emus and Ostriches have never seen a prawn, although they are certainly a bit partial to freshwater shrimp (hence that controversial and little-known verse of Waltzing Matilda that was removed by the colonial authorities in the late 1800's and is now rolled up and hidden away in a dark damp corner in Canberra, somewhat akin to the Dead Sea Scrolls).

 

However, it is a Davey Attenburrow approved factoid that the reason that the Moa went extinct in NZ is that they developed a penchant for prawns and whitebait, which meant that their ........

Edited March 10 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....mothers were right because all their feathers dropped of and they all froze.

Attenburrow of course was the son of a Bookie's tart, and grew up in the streets of ......

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....mothers were right because all their feathers dropped of and they all froze.

Attenburrow of course was the son of a Bookie's tart, and grew up in the streets of ......

.... Frankston where he first met Turbo when Turds was a cockatoo for the Bookie.

 

"I thought I was going to work in a library" commented Turbo when he met Dave for the first time, but now I .....

[onetrack]

......find I'm enjoying doing all this screeching whenever I sight a divvy van". Turbo had learnt the art of screeching like a cockatoo when he was quite young, and his Uncle Rastus Turbine owned a huge sulphur-crested cockatoo that screeched on an industrial level.

 

Turbo became fascinated with the bird, and practiced the birds screech until his screech couldn't be distinguished between..........

 

Edited March 11 by onetrack

[Captain]

15 hours ago, onetrack said:

......find I'm enjoying doing all this screeching whenever I sight a divvy van". Turbo had learnt the art of screeching like a cockatoo when he was quite young, and his Uncle Rastus Turbine owned a huge sulphur-crested cockatoo that screeched on an industrial level.

 

Turbo became fascinated with the bird, and practiced the birds screech until his screech couldn't be distinguished between..........

 

..... a Sulphur crested (and by that, I mean a very healthy Cacatua Galerita), one of Clarry Carnaby’s Black Cockatoos (but only of the Calyptorhynchus Latirostris genus), a Major Mitchell’s Cockatoo (Berti Mitchell fought beside Turbs and Cappy up the Khyber and he named his bird Lophochroa Leadbeateri after Wally Leadbeater who went missing after the 2nd attack), and those nasty little Nymphicus Hollandicus Cockatiels that were named after those Dutch nymphos at the Moorabbin Cat House.

 

Even now, Turbo's digital keyboard-based screech in the Wreck Flying Forums, is like fingernails down a blackboard and brings ....... 

Edited March 11 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......tears to the eyes of Cockatoo lovers everywhere. Turbo is a member of the Cockatoo Spotters Association, which as it happens is currently in session and Turbo is able to write this as old George is giving us a list of the C.Genii he's potted in the last month and that will take about an hour.

 

In his earlier days Turbo had bought a cockatoo and taught it to screech if the cats messed around or fought when they were supposed to be asleep after monitoring fur growth and finding a lack of sleep produced less furry skins.

 

He'd trained the cockatoo to mimic his old grandmother, because she could really arc up if the Young Turbo wasn't in bed and asleep by 9 pm.

 

Harley, the cocky just seemed to stir the cats up, so he taught it the whole Gettysburg Address, and all were asleep by the end, until ........

 

 

 

[Captain]

..... the cannons fired and Turbo, impersonating Abe Lincoln (pre assassination, not post), added what became famously known as "The Moorabbin Post-Script" when he came up with .....

[Captain]

Turbo, yes that is actually him in the below photo, has the perfect craggy face and weary, bloodshot, weeping, unfeeling eyes to play a great Abe Lincoln. (This follows on from his critical success when he played a preggers Mary in the Moorabbin Primary School Nativity Play, mid last century).

 

The crowd shown at right are a lineup waiting to get into Turbo's Moorabbin Cat House.

 

Edited March 12 by Captain

[turboplanner]

Not many people know about the Cat House in Moorabbin, but Turbo had it built in the Branson Missouri style cosy theatre style.

When it was finished, he couldn't get any performers at his Trump type rates, so he had to do something himself and the onlt thing he had learned in school was the Gettysburg Address, so he hired 40 drummers using cut lengths of dowling from Bunnings and old Paint thinners tins as drums and hired 40 itinerant refugees from Tasmania, and bought the organ from the Neerim South Uniting Church and some eery lighting.

 

Turbo dressed up like Abe Lincoln and to a sellout crowd (takings $43,000.00) he began to speak. Unfortunately he started with "Three Score years and Ten" which is the burial service for over 70s, but the rest went well, and as the clients filed out many were asked whether "this was intermission?"

 

Of course at Gettysburgh Abe was the last to speak. Most of the luminaries went for a couple of hours, one for several hours, but when Abe came to the lectern his speech only lasted 2 minutes and he blew them all away.

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Of course, at Gettysburg Abe was the last to speak. Most of the luminaries went for a couple of hours, one for several hours, but when Abe came to the lectern his speech only lasted 2 minutes and he blew them all away ......

..... when he announced that his address was 203 William St, in Gettysburg Heights, and while that was a cul-de-sac, it was still ......

Edited March 12 by Captain

[onetrack]

......a reasonably satisfactory address to live at, despite the smells that occasionally wafted in from the Turbine Inc Skunk farm. Yes, dear NES readers, you may be completely unaware that the Turbine Family fortune started with Josiah Turbine, and his Skunk Farm.

 

Many are possibly unaware that skunk furs are the finest furs available for haute couture, and they were in huge demand in Abe's era. Josiah saw that it was easier to farm skunks, than try to gather pelts from other species in the wild, so it wasn't long before his business was one of the largest in Gettysburg.

 

Naturally, having to deal with the skunks spray from their anal glands was something that had to be figured out, and it was unfortunate that the foul-smelling liquid had a tendency to cling to the owner and employees alike.

Thus, a term came into regular use in the U.S., "smells like a Turbine skunk farm to me" - and term was frequently used to describe something that was decidedly..............

[Captain]

11 hours ago, onetrack said:

Thus, a term came into regular use in the U.S., "smells like a Turbine skunk farm to me" - and term was frequently used to describe something that was decidedly.........

..... rank, but Turbs always turned this to his advantage, as every time he would sneak one out in the Food Court at the Moorabbin Westfield Mall, everyone would say "Oh, it's just that remnant skunk odor again".

 

As an extension, that is why many of Turdy's controversial opinions on this site are considered, by the RAA Officianatti, the WF Moderatti & other various technical luminaries, to be "on the nose".

 

But Turdo is made of stronger stuff and his Skunk Farm endeavors are now starting to ..... 

Edited March 13 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......pay off. His genius marketing strategy of aiming for thefemale segment that "just wanted to be left alone" or who "hated all men" was producing sales by the tonne so he had to call in Turbine Science Inc. to find a way to breed skunks with bigger odour glands. This was so successful that .......

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......pay off. His genius marketing strategy of aiming for thefemale segment that "just wanted to be left alone" or who "hated all men" was producing sales by the tonne so he had to call in Turbine Science Inc. to find a way to breed skunks with bigger odour glands. This was so successful that .......

..... he stopped needing to use tennis court line markers to spray white paint down the centreline of his black cats, so that .....

[turboplanner]

.....solve one complaint in the Paris Market where Le Turbo Furs had received some complaints.

He'd had to cut the balls off the males though which added  $5.00 per cat cost for the skin. If you wonder why that was so much, and you've marked 1,000 lambs in a morning, spare a thought for the poor cat farmers who have to deal with every Tom.

Le Turbo backed it up with advertising and sales went through the roof.........

[onetrack]

.....so much, that Turbo in his AGM address, claimed sales were "going like a cut cat!" A few shareholders objected to Turbo using the term, pointing out, it reflected badly on cat farming. But Turbo soon had them......

[Captain]

19 minutes ago, onetrack said:

.....so much, that Turbo in his AGM address, claimed sales were "going like a cut cat!" A few shareholders objected to Turbo using the term, pointing out, it reflected badly on cat farming. But Turbo soon had them......

..... buying more shares when he announced that the male offcuts were being marketed as the key components in a Special Short Soup under the Lee Won Turbin brand of convenience foods.

 

Turdy was proud of his ancestor, Lee Won Turbin, who had fought with Genghis Khan and had won praise for his ......

[onetrack]

.....chop suey, chow mein, won tons and dumplings. However, when pointed, direct questions were asked, as regards the fillings and meat portions in Lee Won Turbin's dishes, he claimed it was a "commercial secret", and if he ever told anyone, he'd have to kill them afterwards, to stop his competitors from gaining an advantage over him. 

 

"What competitors?" asked Ghengis. "I slaughtered them all! There's no-one left to compete with you!" Lee Won started sweating. The innuendo was obvious. If he failed to reveal the fillings and meat portions origins, Ghengis would slaughter him, too.

 

Lee had to think fast. He said, "I wasn't going to tell you this, but...............

[Captain]

4 hours ago, onetrack said:

"What competitors?" asked Ghengis. "I slaughtered them all! There's no-one left to compete with you!" Lee Won started sweating. The innuendo was obvious. If he failed to reveal the fillings and meat portions origins, Ghengis would slaughter him, too.

 

Lee had to think fast. He said, "I wasn't going to tell you this, but...............

..... the meat portions are pussy's nuts and I took the fillings out of many of the enemies that you slaughtered, mate. I kept the gold ones and put the amalgam in the food for texture."

 

Genghis was a tough killer, a ruthless ruler, but also a cool dude, so he ......

Edited March 14 by Captain

[Captain]

On 14/03/2025 at 8:07 AM, onetrack said:

What competitors?" asked Ghengis. "I slaughtered them all! There's no-one left to compete with you!" Lee Won started sweating. The innuendo was obvious. If he failed to reveal the fillings and meat portions origins, Ghengis would slaughter him, too.

 

Lee had to think fast. He said, "I wasn't going to tell you this, but......

..... Alexander the Great just franchised a City Sushi joint down the road and .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......he's offering rock bottom prices.

His big mistake was to build his outlet right next to the airstrip of Len Da Vinci and Rocco da bull.

Len had built a flying machine [avref] and they both wanted a place where the could get away from SpaghettiRus>!, and the stink from the cat oil cooking the won tons next door was driving them nuts.

 

They walked across and made Alexander and offer he couldn't refuse...............................

[Captain]

29 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

They walked across and made Alexander and offer he couldn't refuse........

..... and this is when Lex (who everyone liked) went from just being Alexander the Great, to Alexander the Moderately Wealth and Comfortably Well Off (AtMW&CWO), which meant that Genghis has a problem on his hands, that .....

Edited March 15 by Captain

[Captain]

18 hours ago, Captain said:

..... and this is when Lex (who everyone liked) went from just being Alexander the Great, to Alexander the Moderately Wealth and Comfortably Well Off (AtMW&CWO), which meant that Genghis has a problem on his hands, that .....

..... revolved around the management of the Silk Road.

 

Genghis (or Genny to his mates) summarized it well when he said "The Silk Road works a treat when the camels are using it, but the repairs to the fabric are massive when horses and elephants tear it up. I have, therefore, today issued an Executive Order that only dromedaries and blokes in bare feet can use it until I have a chat with Lex, who might be persuaded to kick-the-can now that he is a bit flush, and we jointly decide what to do about the .......

Edited March 16 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......design of the road and whether bitumen might be more durable than silk.

Fifteen people who'd overheard this rushed out our and replaced the silk on their Trike wings with bitumThree days later.......

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

......design of the road and whether bitumen might be more durable than silk.

Fifteen people who'd overheard this rushed out our and replaced the silk on their Trike wings with bitumThree days later.......

..... the temperature hit 48 C, in the shade, and the new bitum trike wings .....

Edited March 16 by Captain