The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

...and is manifested by a seemingly inexhaustible array of gaseous emissions from one's ventral exhaust system."That explains that malingering odour hanging around the cockpit after a flight" said Mavis :yuk:

 

"I always thought that it was............

"....a medical condition"

 

"Nah" said Turbo, "it's what he eats down at the Hog's Breath Cafe in Baylis St.

 

"After an hour or so you realise he can blow the rear doors off an Avocet!"

 

 

[Captain]

"....a medical condition"

"Nah" said Turbo, "it's what he eats down at the Hog's Breath Cafe in Baylis St.

 

"After an hour or so you realise he can blow the rear doors off an Avocet!"

"That's nothing" responded ElRatSack "And apolgies that I haven't been allowed out to play in the last few posts, but I have just got out of Intensive Care, after the RAAus SEAL team (that's funny Loxy) raided the Casa Rodenti compound in Moorongabad (located close to the protection of the Kapooka restricted airspace) and shot Bin Ratsack in the mellon."

 

"Ask questions of our CEO/Executive Director will you?" said one of the SEALs as he cocked his weapon (not that there is anything wrong with that) "And worse still, you have spoken ill of Beer Cans, cast aspersions at Sloppi, got Stevie R a bit upset about his sacred Long Weekends, sniggered about the Prezz's epaulettes, and spoken ill of Rotax rattles, so I give you 2 minutes to surrender .......................... BANG ............. too late."

 

"Now where is Bin Ratsack's hard-drive, let's have a crack at a few of the youngys in his hareem, grab a few of his Al Jazeera DVD's (code for "Debbie does Natfly") and let's get out of here." said the SEAL leader, whose balaclava still exposed the AHLo... part of the front of his baseball cap "As we'll now jump into my stealth SportStar and head down to DandyNong and Bange Holme to take out the rest of this group, before going after the Tassie Fakir ........... so lock and load boys (not that there is anything wrong with that, particularly when you all have balaclavas on).

 

Just then the hareeem walked through the door, in see-thru veils and skimpy gossamer thin baby-doll nighties "What's all the racket?" Nanna asked to Mavis.

 

The SEAL team all took 2 steps back, dry heaved and said "Here girls, put on these army great coats (quickly) then cover yourselves in these space blankets and we'll ......................

 

 

[turboplanner]

"....send word back to base for Brine to come and get you, snigger snigger"

 

"Now" said Foerlocks, "Let's go overseas to Taswegia and sort out old CFI"

 

"I'll be waiting" said the voluble Mr I

 

"Everyone got their passports?" asked Bossy Locky and they all climbed in through the ample rear doors of the Avocet which was powered by an engine with much the same reliability as a Qantas A380.

 

"Everybody Out!" yelled Bossy, who'd forgotten to take a group photo with the boys in the black gear

 

"Right, Let's go! yelled Bossy after the photo was taken, in the best military procedure, apparently because without this command they would stay "in pose" for a year.

 

At the Lonceston International Airport, a TV newsflash caught their eye about an aircraft crash in the Tamar river.

 

After A Tanker Captain, Barge Tug Captain, Half Cab stubbie drinker, a guy fishing for flathead, and the OH&S Rep from Cadburys all reported 18 crashes on the river, Constable Loques was the first on the scene, and found the pilot standing in his jocks on the riverbank with his clothes drying out beside him.

 

"What's your name?" asked Cnst.Locques

 

"Eugene, and I'm President of Ratfly, but you don't want to hear about about all that boring stuff", said Eugene

 

"What caused the crash then? asked Cnst. Locques whe was practicing his CFI language

 

"Crash, CRASH!" said Eugene "I ALWAYS land like that"

 

The SEALS were called away from the TV news when their bus, a 1948 Bedford arrived to take them up into the hills where CFI lived.

 

The bus dropped them off after a six hour run, and they found themselves beside the remote road isolated in, well, Taswegia.

 

Bossy Locky quickly said "Let's go!", just in case someone else beat him to it, stepping off the road and straight down to his knees in a sucking blacksoil marsh.

 

"Didn't you see the signs" said Rocky "Danger, do not walk off footpaths and roads - this is Taswega"

 

Bossy climbed out, his fack black as an emoticon, and they found a rocky path, and soon had entered a dark and forbidding valley where the aroma from rotting apple, woodsmoke, and alcohol assailed their noses.

 

A tall, hunched figure was loading wood with one hand, a shotgun in the other....................

 

 

[Captain]

".... A tall, hunched figure was loading wood with one hand, a shotgun in the other....................

"I am a Faquir and I am fakir'n cranky" said the CFI with an authoritarian CFI type voice.

 

"Hup, hup, .. hup, ..... hup, ....... huup, ......... huup ............................. huuup ............................... huuuuup." said the SEAL Team as they started to run out of breath.

 

"Let's stop" yelled Bossy Loxy (who loved being in charge) "This is almost as much fun as being a member of the MachismoModerati" he thought to himself.

 

"No let's go ........... No, let's stop ......... let's go ..........let's stop" he added, making a SEAL NCO's in-joke (and they all laughed).

 

"We'll give you 2 minutes to surrender" Bossy Loxy finally said the the CFI Fakir.

 

"Watch this boyz" said SEAL Team Member #2, "As they'll now have a competition to see who can out-boss each other.

 

"Nobody can out-boss a CFI" said #3, who was about to take bets.

 

"Bugger it then" said #4 "Put your fakir'n hands up or ...... BANG ...... they all heard it (except the bloke on the receiving end) and all were amazed to see ..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"I am a Faquir and I am fakir'n cranky" said the CFI with an authoritarian CFI type voice.

"Hup, hup, .. hup, ..... hup, ....... huup, ......... huup ............................. huuup ............................... huuuuup." said the SEAL Team as they started to run out of breath.

 

"Let's stop" yelled Bossy Loxy (who loved being in charge) "This is almost as much fun as being a member of the MachismoModerati" he thought to himself.

 

"No let's go ........... No, let's stop ......... let's go ..........let's stop" he added, making a SEAL NCO's in-joke (and they all laughed).

 

"We'll give you 2 minutes to surrender" Bossy Loxy finally said the the CFI Fakir.

 

"Watch this boyz" said SEAL Team Member #2, as they'll have a competition to see who can out-boss each other.

 

"Nobody can out-boss a CFI" said #3, who was about to take bets.

 

"Bugger it then" said #4 "Put your fakir'n hands up or ...... BANG ...... they all heard it (except the bloke on the receiving end) and all were amazed to see ..............

...the old Faquir stand straight up, hook a finger in each side of his mouth, and shw his teeth.

 

"Steady Lads" said Bossy, who'd got a most terrible fright, then "charge", then "Oh ****" as he felt the tension of a trip wire.

 

Rocky, and Jock echoed his exceptional expletive as they too tripped wires and there was an enormous "BOOM" followed by the sound of whistling cutlery.

 

Now, good readers, the author is fully aware of current SEALS laser guided weaponry, night vision etc, but this was Taswegia and CFI had to use what he could get, and his grandfather, who was also his great grandfather (there's not enough time here to fully explain the ancestry of Taswegia), had bequeathed him three Punt Guns.

 

They were a vicious machine and had to be limited in The Gun Barrel Proof Act 1868 to 8 feet 4 inches long, with a bore no bigger than 2 inches.

 

This wasn't so much for safety, they were loaded with any metal artifact thaty could be found around the home, and it was more a case of protecting the Mem Sahib's silverware Bai Jove.

 

Although quite often the gunners would overshoot the lagoon bank and initialled sterling liver cutlery could be seen whistling down the main street of the village.....

 

Turbo operating a Punt Gun on Albert Park Lake in the middle of Melbourne, shortly before his arrest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

...This wasn't so much for safety, they were loaded with any metal artifact thaty could be found around the home, and it was more a case of protecting the Mem Sahib's silverware Bai Jove.

Although quite often the gunners would overshoot the lagoon bank and initialled sterling liver cutlery could be seen whistling down the main street of the village.....

 

Turbo operating a Punt Gun on Albert Park Lake in the middle of Melbourne, shortly before his arrest.

"What's Bon Jove got to do with these Punts?" said the Tasmanian Lass.

 

"Don't refer to us like that" replied the SEAL Team, getting their dander up "And why did that You-Toob video of Tubb's sound and look like the lead-in to a Monty Python sketch?'

 

"But what about me" yells the Faqir, who was browned off about being written out of the NES so quickly.

 

"Stand right where you are" said the Punter "Or I'll ........................

 

 

[turboplanner]

"What's Bon Jove got to do with these Punts?" said the Tasmanian Lass.

"Don't refer to us like that" replied the SEAL Team, getting their dander up "And why did that You-Toob video of Tubb's sound and look like the lead-in to a Monty Python sketch?'

 

"But what about me" yells the Faqir, who was browned off about being written out of the NES so quickly.

 

"Stand right where you are" said the Punter "Or I'll ........................

"...blow your leg off with a spoon"

 

"But you're my son, THEY'RE then enemy" wailed CFI

 

"Sorry" said the son, "Could have been a case of family fire there Paw"

 

"FREEZE! , yelled Bossy Locks who'd seen a TV Series or two "Put your hands in the...."

 

"Don't have a freezer" responded CFI putting another cap on the Punt Gun and shoving...

 

 

[Captain]

"...blow your leg off with a spoon"

"But you're my son, THEY'RE then enemy" wailed CFI

 

"Sorry" said the son, "Could have been a case of family fire there Paw"

 

"FREEZE! , yelled Bossy Locks who'd seen a TV Series or two "Put your hands in the...."

 

"Don't have a freezer" responded CFI putting another cap on the Punt Gun and shoving...

........ it in to within an inch (imperial term) of one of the SEAL's lives."

 

Just then the SEALs started to get a bit testy (nttiaw with that), as they had discovered that Bossy Loxy was not a SEAL after all.

 

SEAL # 3 had received a tweet that a Bossy Lox dna sample (and I'm not saying from where) had proven that Bossy Loxy was definately not a SEAL, but was actually a Dugong with a cute face, anaerexia, and some stuck-on whiskers. (The same features that saw him elevated to the MagnificantiMachismoModeratti).

 

That discovery caused a stink that was similar to the Member's Meeting in Temora, except this time it was done competently. "You are not one of us" said SEAL # 5 (who was a short-a*se pompous little Punt Captain), "You should not be here, so leave this raiding party immediately."

 

The now not-so-Cocky Locky, stood, pulled his pants back on and cried out the the CFIFakir for help "Please, maaaate, just do me a ...................

 

 

[turboplanner]

........ it in to within an inch (imperial term) of one of the SEAL's lives."

Just then the SEALs started to get a bit testy (nttiaw with that), as they had discovered that Bossy Loxy was not a SEAL after all.

 

SEAL # 3 had received a tweet that a Bossy Lox dna sample (and I'm not saying from here) had proven that Bossy Loxy was definately not a SEAL, but was actually a Dugong with a cute face, anaerexia, and some stuck-on whiskers. (The same features that saw him elevated to the MagnificantiMachismoModeratti).

 

That discovery caused a stink that was similar to the Member's Meeting in Temora, except this time it was done competently. "You are not one of us" said SEAL # 5 (who was a short-a*se pompous little Punt Captain), "You should not be here, so leave this raiding party immediately."

 

The now not-so-Cocky Locky, stood, pulled his pants back on and cried out the the CFIFakir for help "Please, maaaate, just do me a ...................

"...favour and point your PG at that nasty #3, I think I've just had a #2, and really I'm just a fiery" said Goldilocks

 

"I can see you're telling the truth" said CFI " that's exactly what those Mainland nancys are like"

 

 

[Captain]

"...favour and point your PG at that nasty #3, I think I've just had a #2, and really I'm just a fiery" said Goldilocks

"I can see you're telling the truth" said CFI " that's exactly what those Mainland nancys are like"

And he went on "Those North Islanders are a real pain, where-as, those of us down here in the middle of this map of Tasmania are the heart and soul of RA Aus and of the entire aviation movement, not to mention that we are the centre of the Universe. An example of which is, did you know that the United Nations have submitted a proposal to relocate their world headquarters to Fingal?"

 

"And even more impressiver than that" chipped in another South Islander "The bored RA Aus President lives down here near the bottom of the map, and NASA have announced their impending ................

 

 

[turboplanner]

And he went on "Those North Islanders are a real pain, where-as, those of us down here in the middle of this map of Tasmania are the heart and soul of RA Aus and of the entire viation movement, not to mention that we are the centre of the Universe. An example of which is, did you know that the United Nations have submitted a proposal to relocate their world headquarters to Fingal?"

"And even more impressiver than that" chipped in another South Islander "The bored RA Aus President lives down here near the bottom of the map, and NASA have announced their impending ................

"....decision to make him Captain of the next Moon landing module, because he was bored with things down here on earth"

 

 

[flindersflyer]

Just then the phone rang. CFI picked it up and answered. Hey peepols it's NASA on the phone. They just said they want RA Aus Pres to command the next flight to Mars. But they also said it would'nt be manned. Does that mean the Pres will ................

 

 

[Captain]

Just then the phone rang. CFI picked it up and answered. Hey peepols it's NASA on the phone. They just said they want RA Aus Pres to command the next flight to Mars. But they also said it would'nt be manned. Does that mean the Pres will ................

...... be even more bored. "I can't say any more" he added "As it's confidential, in camera, under lights, secret, secrete, & betokening intimacy."

 

"Did he just mention intimacy" said the Dugong while reading a Rotax Operating Manual, clapping his flippers together and preening his immitation whiskers "Geeeez it's cold down here in Tassie, I wish someone would get me back up to F'nQ, where I can have a chat with Stevie R, go back 50 years to the good old days of Rag & Tube, and dodge ............

 

The plume de ma tante, out in the jardin, says "Welcome to the NES nightmare, FF." Please advise any weaknesses that you have and we'll exploit them here.

 

 

[turboplanner]

motorcars...

DFI was remote quoting here because he had only ever seen them in photos taken on the mainland/Australia.....but..

 

 

[planedriver]

DFI was remote quoting here because he had only ever seen them in photos taken on the mainland/Australia.....but..

he replied indignantly, don't give me that cr*p. I've known how to drive the things for years.

 

You put your left foot in, left foot out, in, out, in, out, and shake it all about.

 

Some of the morons on here, just don't seem to realise that Tassie drivers learned a hell of a lot from the TV documentary 'On the buses"

 

 

[Captain]

he replied indignantly, don't give me that cr*p. I've known how to drive the things for years.You put your left foot in, left foot out, in, out, in, out, and shake it all about.

 

Some of the morons on here, just don't seem to realise that Tassie drivers learned a hell of a lot from the TV documentary 'On the buses"

"I hate you But-La" said CFIStan, who had rushed in an application to be the head sherang at the next meeting of the UN, (in Fingal), and added "I'd be better than Boutros Boutros Galli (who may have come from Wagga Wagga or Gol Gol) or whoever that Korean bloke is now, and I'd have a policy of free Rags & Tubes for all, free coffees at Starbucks in Fingal and complimentary accommodation at the Fingal Hilton (which is also to be the name of Paris's next sibling). And for security we'll use ..................

 

Just then he was interupted by the sounds of "Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup."

 

"Oh, come on guys................... let's stopppp, ohhhhhhhhhhhh ..................... come onnnnn, pleeeeeeeease. I really, truly, fair dinks am a SEAL" yelled AHmanatee as he ..................

 

 

 

[planedriver]

You know me Captain, what goes on in the flight-deck, stays on the flight-deck, said the AHdecky.

 

Sometimes my actions may be questionable, like those of higher rank, but not like when the Brazilion hostie was asked to clean up the coffe you spilt in your lap. I'll not spill the beans on that saga, retorted the bloke in the right hand seat with a naughty wink because i'm also on the return flight:thumb_up:

 

 

[turboplanner]

You know me Captain, what goes on in the flight-deck, stays on the flight-deck, said the AHdecky.Sometimes my actions may be questionable, like those of higher rank, but not like when the Brazilion hostie was asked to clean up the coffe you spilt in your lap. I'll not spill the beans on that saga, retorted the bloke in the right hand seat with a naughty wink because i'm also on the return flight:thumb_up:

AHmanatee seemed to be alluding ever so subtly to troubles in another household, so the mid boggles at what might have gone on on the flight deck in terms of language and venom.

 

"It's not too hard to piece together" said Turbo "they would have been using the most obscene language because Rat's not referred to in Hollywood at "Dirty Rat" for nothing and he doesn't even have a 359 magnum, and of course bottom feeding AHmanatee get off on grass and is a copycat so his English would not have been the King's.

 

"There was nothing in the foreign hosties actions, nothing at all" he said "I suspect that when she walked in AHmanatee was in the middle of a choice word and got such a shock at the thought of Rat running in his skinny little legs to tell his wife Tuna, that his arm responded like that of an Oran Utang reaching for an escape branch and the coffe was the victim"

 

"By the way AHmanatee" said Turbo, what's this got to do with a flight deck when you've both just walked out of a hair dressing salon?"

 

 

[turboplanner]

" actually I was about to tell u about my cousin....HEWmanatee ...who....

"was one of the Smithton Manatees who never went to bed without a feed of fish and a bottle of beer and...

 

 

[Bryon]

"was one of the Smithton Manatees who never went to bed without a feed of fish and a bottle of beer and...

"Are they related to the Nut Manatees at Stanley?" asked Livingstone, "because I have been trying to find them since........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"Are they related to the Nut Manatees at Stanley?" asked Livingstone, "because I have been trying to find them since........

"AHmanatee stayed with us in 1986 to find out where he lived. I need to discuss a matter relating to my daughter"

 

 

[Bryon]

"AHmanatee stayed with us in 1986 to find out where he lived. I need to discuss a matter relating to my daughter"

"She has been most intrigued by the state of agitation of our flock of Merinos" said Turbs

 

"Everytime a recycled beercan type of aircraft lands here, they all rush to the gate of the paddock with a faraway look in their eyes and Horace the ram just lays down and groans"

 

"Sometimes I wonder if Elratto..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"She has been most intrigued by the state of agitation of our flock of Merinos" said Turbs"Everytime a recycled beercan type of aircraft lands here, they all rush to the gate of the paddock with a faraway look in their eyes and Horace the ram just lays down and groans"

 

"Sometimes I wonder if Elratto..............

..has cornered all the Riverina beauties....."

 

 

[turboplanner]

...especially the daughter of Al 'call me flambouyant' Grrassby..........

She was a Merino Cross of course..................

 

 

[Captain]

She was a Merino Cross of course..................

"Cross? Cross?" said Horace with a modern yuppie upward inflection "I was not just cross, I was totally p***ed off when that Barazilian Hostie tipped that cup of Maxwell House in my lap. And to make matters worse, that happened the day after AHDorsetshire flew his beercan into the paddock of my lovely pure-breed Merino ewes, and set a new record for a Saturday afternoon sleep-in with 'em ............. so now AH Dorsetshire is cross-eyed, the ewes are cross-bred and I am just cross ....................