The Never Ending Story

[BLA82]

biggles realised that the hairdryer just burnt out and he was falling, he turned of his ipod hoping this would give enough power to crank over the retrex. Nope nothing so he quickly rolls the cheetah over and comences a spiral decent. He notices the wonderfull Caroline running down the other side of the security fence waving. Thinking she has changer her mind about marriage he lands and slides to a stop. Getting out to greet her she runs straight past him and into the arms of......

 

 

[ahlocks]

In the end he decides to keep circling until something interesting happens.

 

3 days later he's still there....... but had to change his decision when.....

...the next hatching of locusts spotted his bright green flyin' machine. :ah_oh:

 

Now locusts being hungry little buggas with a fetish for eating green stuff, :yuk:

 

formed up into a perfect swarm and made a bee (hopper) line straight toward bingles and his succulent (to them) morsel circling tantalisingly above.

 

Strewth and stuff a dead horse, muttered Bingles. There's more of them thar hoppers than jabirooters at a Bundaberg tupperware party. These persnicity little varmints will leave nuthin' but me Conargo Pub sticker if they catch me!!:raise_eyebrow:

 

With that Bingles.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

finally had a call of nature.

 

He realises he's in trouble; last month when he dropped in for fuel the airport refueller had cleverly disguised the phone numbers using a World War 2 Enigma coding machine from the local car museum (which mostly has engines and caravans), so he could sit around sucking on stubbies, growing whiskers and losing teeth.

 

Using his $2 Dick Smith Compass, which, as not many people know, contains an enigma decoder taken from a German submarine, he cracked the code instantly and asked politely for some fuel. "Got a card?" said the clearly miffed refueller, and Bingles flashed his Pee card "We take the other ones" said the refueller. At considerable expense, Bingles phoned Bilmo headquarters and obtained a line of credit for $300,000.00 for the 3.5 litres he needed.

 

This cornered the refueller for a minute, then he said "Left Handed?" "Yes" said Bingles

 

"Castrated?" At this point Bingles drew the line, but in a case of mistaken identity gave a massive spray to the Mayor, police sergeant, the girls in the Latte precinct, the gliding guys (although they didn't hear it), the Council's ACI (Asic Card Inspector) and Mrs Johnson, which was his big mistake).

 

He knew there would be trouble, but nature was starting to do more than call, so he gave a very tentative Inbound call. "This is Murray Bridge" came the reply "Do you really want to land here?"

 

"I couldn't have" thinks Bingles looking at the $2 Compass, then realises that in a rare lapse he's called on the wrong frequency.

 

He starts again, and six glider pilots all call at once saying "That's where I am"

 

Fortunately the poison-green sheeter has exceptional all round vision through the missed rivet holes, and Bingles sails through the first barrier.

 

Just then a bright yellow Corbet Startle flashes over the runway at a precise 120 feet. It's Jabba the Hut, who's retired now as a Jedi (was he?)and a man of few words, but always wise ones.

 

"Don't do it" he said

 

Nature was beginning to make Bingles very fidgety by now, so he ignored the call and descending into the circuit he came out from under the trees, and there they were; gliders to the left of him, tugs to the right, crop dusters flying the circuit at six feet, and Mrs Johnson with a broom.

 

He landed quickly, using the double roll method, and leapt out of the poison-green machine, skipping across the apron with knees clamped tightly together.

 

With an artful swerve he missed Mrs Johnson's swipe but that's when he noticed the Asic Card Inspector, feet planted apart, directly between him and the dunny..

 

 

[Captain]

So BigLes has finally done something useful.

 

He has proven that it is possible to swipe an ASIC for fuel, with it all charged back to DOTARS.

 

A cunning plan by the 24/7/11 Butters Gov't to rejuvenate the aviation industry.

 

"Now watch all those doubting Thomas's go and apply for an ASIC" said 8/3/2.5 Julia.

 

This initiative made a huge difference to BigPete who no longer needed to go cap in hand to shewhopaysthefuelbills, and Planey was able to order that Masserati with his pension cheque.

 

The sales on the ClearPropShop went thru the roof, if'n it had one, Ian bought 2 Milleniums, there were more Cheetahs than Jabirus, all Forum members received a dividend cheque of equivalent value when we reached 3000 members in the New Year ............ and life was good.

 

"We love you, BigLes" was the cry, led by Ian and Le Crapp.

 

Then Bigles woke up, and guess where his hand was?

 

It was on his ......................

 

 

[turboplanner]

Planer. he'd used it when building the Sheeter, and two naonseconds after he'd pressed the button, half a tonne of metal had been cust away, which is why the sheeter always flies one wing down. (Trust someone from Wagga Wagga Wagga to feed me a line like that!

 

Now awake from his dream which had taken place on the Riverland town's apron he brushed aside the Asic man had turned to see why Kevin Rudd was calling him, and realised it would have someting to do with the $27 billion about to go down the tubes (which would have to be made up by a grommet tax), and raced for the toilet, where he ,lost track of time learning gliding checks which someone had pasted up on the wall.

 

Falling asleep with the boredom he..

 

 

[Captain]

Falling asleep with the boredom he..

..... decided to look a up the Area Forecast page of the BOM website.

 

"No, bugger it" thought MrBig. "Nobody ever uses them. They are a waste of cyberspace for a young fit bloke like me"

 

"I was also going to have a look at the NOTAMs too" he added, "But there is no point, as I am NOt going to TAMworth ......... until the Count-Tree Music Festival is on late January"

 

BigLes also pondered "Why does Tubby write so much about me? Perhaps he has looked at my BumBook site and has taken a bit of a fancy to me."

 

I'll have to ................................

 

 

[BigPete]

...began to worry about YouBettaUse'EmPete who was bound to check in sometime to see if enough Emoticons were being used.

 

By Jezz that turboplainer can churn it out, :ah_oh: SherriffPete said to himself as he counted the total of emoticons used by him. , and . NOT A SINGLE ONE - zero, zilch F:censored: All.

 

This will not do. IncredulousPete :ah_oh: is now XXXXedOffTotallyPete. :yuk: What's with LeCrappee - he doesn't use 'em either thumb_down. The whole NES story is going in three directions at once :thumb_up::thumb_up: (which is a good thing - something for every taste (or lack thereoff)) but,

 

USE "EM or Else.

 

On a lighter note, (Eb concert) XmasHolidaysPete :big_grin: spent an enjoyable evening DRIVING around the 'burbs of Melbourne looking at front yards decorated with zillions (and I mean Zillions) :confused::confused: of xmas lights and decorations. :heart:

 

Some of these guys burn enough electricity to power a third word country. I mean, serious gigawatts of power. i_dunno (Visable from the moon I bet).

 

So, with dollars in hand, I'llSpendTheLotPete heads for the xmas light sale at GayMart (and there's nothing wrong with that ;);) ) and buys the entire stock of 12v xmas lights. :thumb_up:

 

With staple gun in hand, They'llSeeMeForMilesPete clambers all over the JabiTrue and 2.1 million staples later, steps back to admire his handi work. :thumb_up: He is particulary proud of the illuminated candy canes afixed to the leading edge of the right hand wing.

 

It may be a bit unbalnced in flight mutters LedPete, but those candy cane VG's will really give that wing a real lift, and as the left wing is attached, it will come along for the ride. :thumb_up:

 

HardLeftRudderPete :confused: is sure he can fly the 400MillionCandlePowerJabiTrue, but realizing the standard 1.0 watt alternator may not be up to the task, searches for an alternative power source. I'll give the owner of the BabyPooYella flyer a call, he mused, Mark D has a lot of experience with HiPowa batteries......

 

 

[Captain]

So Pete converts his J160 to a J400million and heads up to show Geoff, his mate (not that there is anything wrong with that) in Mildura, what fairy (not that there is anything wrong with that) lights, and a paint-job, look like.

 

He makes expert correction for the drag (not that there is anything wrong with that) of the lights and is tracking straight and true with his balls in the centre (for reduncancyPete has a slip indicator on both sides of the panel), however just before Moulamein his speed decays and he needs to fight for control (which is unusual in such a well balanced aircraft as the Jabiru, when flown by such a well balanced pilot as EquilibriumPete).

 

"Bugger (not that there is anything wrong with that)" thought Pete. "The lead must be caught around the windsock."

 

"I'll ..............................

 

 

[turboplanner]

which he got from Bingles, who swears by a single Ipod battery connected through 47 Supercheap connectors, which are soldered...soldered...soldered. :laugh:Tubbocharger had just used the obligatory number of smilies, in this case laughies, which was what people were doing when they saw his Jabiru with the John Deere nosewheel. It had cut down on prop strikes though, mainly because there was no room to fit one.

 

Bingles (yes he has had a bit too much exposure) came by and said "God made S*** and Jabiru gave it wings!", but tubbocharger realised that this related to the accidental omission of a single Jab decal in his engine kit, and anyway Bingles knew very well that this came from a Bathurst saying about the very car he was driving.

 

He suddenly realised that evasivePete had twisted the story to cover up what happened on the way to Melbourne.

 

Pulling off the Hume Highway into the Superwe'vegot nolightbulbsorfusesserviccentre he was surprised to see an ASIC inspector in the entrance. "Let's see your card" said the inspector, apparently oblivious of the other three hundred tourists entering from adjoining lanes. "What's this for?" asked InCre:pig:DulousPete, "We're nowhere near an airport!"

 

"We've extended the programme to all towns, so I expect Echucaca will get it around 2012" said the Inspector opening his $compassnotebook:helmet::helmet:smash pc:clown:(anotherone).

 

"How many terrorists have you caught?" asked incredulousPete

 

"Ah, about 18 million so far" said the ASIC man looking at the traffic pouring past his checkpoint, "but let's have a look at your record"

 

Starting back, he said "You've got warrants outstanding!"

 

DisbelievingPete (sorry disbeliev:yin_yan:ingPete) reeled back in shock

 

"What does it say? he asked, with rising apprehension:

 

"I'll read it to you: said the inspector...

 

A country dog once came to town

 

His Christian name was Pete

 

His pedigree was long

 

And his looks were hard to beat

 

As he trotted down the road

 

Was beautiful to see

 

His work on every corner

 

His work on every tree

 

He watered every gateway

 

And never missed a post

 

For piddling was his masterpiece

 

And piddling was his boast

 

The city dogs all stood and stared

 

With jealousy and rage

 

To see a simple country dog

 

The piddler of the age

 

They sniffed beneath his stumpy tail

 

Their praise for him ran high

 

But when one sniffed beneath

 

Pete piddled in his eye

 

Then to show the city dogs

 

He didn’t give a dam

 

He walked into the grocer shop

 

And piddled on a ham

 

He piddled on the onions

 

He piddled on the floor

 

And when the grocer kicked him out

 

He piddled on the door

 

Behind him all the city dogs

 

Decided what they’d do

 

They’d hold a piddling carnival

 

To see the stranger through

 

They showed him all the piddling posts

 

They knew about in town

 

But Pete just piddled on and on

 

And wore the champions down

 

For Pete was with them in every trick

 

With vigour and with vim

 

A thousand piddles more or less

 

Were just the same to him

 

On and on Pete sought new ground

 

In which to lay the dust

 

Till every other dog was dry

 

And gave up in disgust

 

But on and on went noble Pete

 

To water every sandhill

 

Then Pete an exhibition gave

 

Of all the ways to piddle

 

Like double drops and fancy drips

 

And now and then a dribble

 

And all the time the country dog

 

Did never wink or grin

 

But piddled blithely out of town

 

As he had piddled in

 

"Since you were dobbed in by a Mr tubbocharger, who was obviously running out of things to say we'll let you off this time" said the inspector "but you have to remember we drink from the Yarra"

 

VeryrelievedPeter turned the BMW (which was nicely in line with the image of his puce Jabiru on to the highway.

 

There was a flash of yellow - it was the Corbet Startle with Jabba the Hut at the wheelstickthingy cruising at a precise 120 feet.

 

The Startle hadn't always been yellow, it's just that it was parked under a mango and the yellow spots eventually covered it all.

 

Jabba was looking over his left shoulder. "That was lucky" he said

 

He turned his head and to his horror...

 

 

[turboplanner]

realised he'd just flown into Captain's post..

 

 

[BigPete]

....The Captain's post. A forlorn bugle call written to honour the deceased from past WidelyYours, SuperHeavyWeightUltraLight fly ins and adventure wildlife theme park participants who didn't bother to pay registration or camping fees. (and somewhat foolishly left their aircraft to get a better look at the lions and tigers)

 

Not to be confused with the Last Post above (from tubby the turbo player).

 

You will of course, noticed that I haven't used the obligatory emoticons.

 

So......

 

Was it really me???

 

regards

 

 

[turboplanner]

said a stunned Pete.

 

"Well sir", said the ASIC inspector affecting his best highway patrol I'm being nice to you cos you're about to cop a $1000 fine voice, "you did have a bit to drink on the way down it took two B doubles to cart all the empty stubbies back to the Echucaca tip where all the skiers stubbies are recycled into glass Cheetahs.

 

Pete was stunned, but proud in a way that he was now as notorious ass .222big$

 

He headed on up the Hume highway only to be confronted by..

 

 

[Bigglesworth]

Find Bigglesworth

 

We interrupt this story for an important message:

 

Hi, dudes,

 

Its Biggles' mate using his login. He SMS's me and told me to post the following message:

 

"Tell everyone that Bigglesworth is lost and circling somewhere between the coast and Ayers Rock.

 

I can't find and worthwhile navigation marks, so I took some pictures to see if anyone can see something in them.

 

Don't worry I have enough fuel to see me through until Christmas, but am running low on Bundy.

 

Can someone find out where I am and tell me how to get to an airport. And give the distance in 6 packs of rum and coke.....

 

Also, do you think this Mickey Mouse watch from a Christmas cracker is an aviation grade instrument? If so, why is it getting dark at 12:00.... "

 

He MMSed me the following photos:

 

[ATTACH]6958.vB[/ATTACH]

 

[ATTACH]6959.vB[/ATTACH]

 

[ATTACH]6960.vB[/ATTACH]

 

[ATTACH]6961.vB[/ATTACH]

 

[ATTACH]6962.vB[/ATTACH]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

No worries Bigglesworth's mate (not that there is anything wrong with that).

 

I know where you are.

 

But with the Xmas/New Year holidays approaching, I regret being unable to get back to you before about the 30th.

 

You are only about 7 stubbies (or in your case, Alcho-Pops with an umbrella in them) from my holiday home, so you'll be fine.

 

If you see any Jabiru's, call them up on the air-to-air frequency, ask them to throttle back, and then follow them to safety.

 

STOP PRESS

 

Tubby gets sued for not acknowledging the copyright on his Piddling Pup poem. " I should have planned that a bit better" he said to his Coleague, BigLes who urged him to "Publish first, acknowledge copyright later" see www.hisatmosphere.com/tubby's_incarceration69

 

 

[planedriver]

His mate PC Plodd who was on duty, so couldnt show any favours.;);););)

 

However, he did say "Don't worry about Richard Cranium the ASIC guy, he's just full of sierra hotel india tango, and he has no jurisdiction on my patch.

 

Plodd who'd earlier been washing his JabbyRoo with Maxicrop trying to grow it it into a J160 or J230 so MrsPlodd could take her 15 handbags and 22prs of shoes for a weekend flyaway, said " If you lend me your bird for the weekend, i'm sure I can sort this problem out for you.:thumb_up::thumb_up::thumb_up:

 

MiffedoffPete was quite taken back by these remarks :yuk:and rightly so, and pointed out that he was not prepared to "share" the one who fixes up his fuel bill.

 

"No No No" proclaimed Plodd. You see i've been invited to give a boot-scooting demo at the Victorian Police Christmas Party, and wanted to arrive in style to impress the lady Commisioner. I thought if you'd like to offer me the use of your pride and joy, i'd give it a quick coat of pink paint with a roller that was on special at Bunnings and with all the lights and a bit of tinsel, she'd look favourably on me as a possible deputy.

 

There'd be no point in asking turboplanner for advise as he is too busy telling us all about "squirtalot" his dog, or, is he just taking the p:censored: out of us NES storytellers:question:

 

Maybe (not that there's anything wrong with that) Le Crappy can also offer some advise as he's always very wise in such situations.

 

Meanwhile Biggles is desparately consulting the crystal ball to find his whereabouts, and also trying to get a fix, using his Mickey Mouse watch, by lining the small hand with the Southern Cross and the big hand with Dan Murpheys bottle shop.

 

 

[Captain]

"I know", said BigLes "I'll just fly thru that cloud and over to the Deni Ute Muster where the Bighorn Stickers and the 3 X 20ft white fibreglass whip antennas on my Cheetah won't look out of place".

 

"Then I'll scoot down to the Walloper's Ball for a Boot-Scoot in my Ute which is sure to be a hoot when I wear a suit which will cost lots of loot to look so hersuite & cute wearing Brut, which might be moot "

 

"Will Saint Nicholas be there?" asked the Riverland Lass "As I haven't been wearing any all year, either. That is why BigPete likes me so much and often takes me up to 5,280 ft with his 160 (but he keeps telling me it is 200 , [and that's why women are such bad judges of distance])".

 

"I know how to fix that" said BigLes. "All you have to do is ......................

 

 

[turboplanner]

tell EagerPete you're in Shepparton - It worked with me"

 

BigLes who by now had graduated to navigating by using his dry cleaning receipt, a Commodore hub cap, and for remote areas, a fox whistle had become very sensitive, and while orbiting Ayers Rock where there were absolutely no features, graduated from reading maps to taking digital photos and asking the entire recreational aviation network to tell him where he was. No one was quite sure because one was of ExtraPetes back yard, one was the Ord River system, two were of northern Tasmania and one was of Bloemfontein, South Africa.

 

"BigLes is getting too much exposure" said the Captain, polishing his Jabiru 121 which is an upmarket 211 with the wings from a 130, fin from a surfboard and flap switch located outside on the tail because real men don't use them anyway.

 

Tubby was embarrassed at getting caught pinching a poem he'd seen on a dunny wall in France in World War one when he was flying Sopwith Pups with AncientPete, and was momentarily lost for words.

 

Suddenly a yellow Corbet Startle flashed into view at a precise 120 feet AGL. It was Jabba the Hut "Brut works best" he said, and people noticed how he usually spoke in syllables of three words.

 

Desperate for some action, SlipperyPete turned around and said...

 

 

[Captain]

Desperate for some action, SlipperyPete turned around and said...

... "Geez I'm desperate for some action", because wantingabitofactionPete (also known as what'sdifferentabouttodayPete) was a linguist of some note. "How about it?"

 

"I'm up for it" said Jabba & his Sorbet Harlot. "We'll .............

 

 

[turboplanner]

Jabba the Hutt in a rare release of volubility, pushing his throttle wide open.

 

FastPete pulled his throttle back to idle and set up for best glide speed and the Jabiru quickly caught up with the wide open Corbet Startle.

 

Jabba, realising it was all over flicked off for Girlburn and after overflying at exactly 120 feet dodge an Ag pilot who was 119 feet below him and landed to meet an excited Slarti who proudly showed him a trophy he'd won in a local competition for the best example of recycling match sticks, milk bottle tops and crushed aluminium cans...

 

 

[BigPete]

.... do you realize how many Crapnams we can make with all this recycled stuff, :thumb_up: he excitedly asked Grabba the Butt. :confused: We can even send some to Yarrawanka and get that retractable Crapnam back into the air (the one that's been waiting 6 months for parts). :yuk: :broken_heart:

 

Just then the Sobet Harlot (brilliant Geoff, just brilliant) whizzed passed at 120 feet and tried to land but, as it was almost as ugly as a helicopter couldn't quite make it flair or flare and had to go around and around and around.......:yuk:

 

"Bother", said the Captain, :heart: who was trying desperately to lift his image (especially as he had failed dismally as a poet (see post #617 para two) and still hadn't completely grasped the essentials of good emoticon dipersal within a post.) :black_eye: "Now there's two of the little buggas unable to land". (See#614). :confused:

 

Just then, the Good FriarPuk (who has been strangely quiet, ;) but was probably unable to get a word in edge wise) arrived with Caroline :heart: and the Riverland Lass :heart: in his shiny white double B tanker truck.

 

"We've been to see PlainVanillaJabbyJuicerMoonLightMoonShineGeoff in Milldurex", they said as one. "He's doing great deals on fine communial wine and white paint. :thumb_up: " (Allthough he will only deliver after last light).

 

Meanwhile Big Les amuses himself by trying to navigate using his left hand/foot shoelace tied to the throttle (while still tied to his boot) i_dunno and keeping one eye on the voltmeter whilst listening to Johnny Hortins' "North to Alaska". :thumb_up:

 

Suddenly, the impossible happened........

 

 

[turboplanner]

The carpet underlay he had used to cover the wings doped by a mixture of sheep dip and molasses (a local dairy farmer had said "Don't listen to those aviation pricks, we've used this for years) began to unravel..

 

(emoticon, emoticon, emoticon)

 

 

[BigPete]

Big Les was astounded - he involuntary jerked his knee a few times and waved his arms in fright :ah_oh: - the GreenSheeta suddenly inverted so quickly that even the law of gravity didn't notice and the unraveling Sheeta began to descend upwards! Soon the sky was turning blue/black and the altimeter read 109,000 feet. :confused:

 

"My Gott in Himmel" :yuk: oxygen deprived Big Les said to himself (in a very poor imitation of the famous Mein Kapitain :heart:) I can bloody see everything from up here! :thumb_up:

 

Unfortunately Sputntik One, (which was believed to have re-entered and burnt up years ago) was now approaching and getting larger and larger in his rear vision mirror :raise_eyebrow: (in case you didn't know all Sheetas are now fitted with rear view mirrors so the pilot can check on the straightness of newly furrowed land before their next approach - pioneered by the hotplate king of aviation SlartiStraightAsADieAndSixInchesDeepBartfast.

 

As the deadly Sputnik approached Big Les reached for the POH and desperately scanned the pages for a solution to his problem.....

 

:big_grin::big_grin:

 

 

[Bigglesworth]

However Bigglesnotworthmuch found that someone had taken the POH that never existed, (limit? whats that?), and replaced it with a copy of the Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy, which tells you everything except for where girls will be when they say they'll be near an airport.

 

He realises that since the impossible fabric has impossibly unraveled (which is impossible: underlay isn't woven:keen:), he can also do the impossible and convinces the Spudnik that this IS actually all safe and within the regs, and by the time he gets to the part where name-:censored:calling starts, the admin has moderated the Spudnik and suspended it from the story.:thumb_up::thumb_up::thumb_up:

 

Meanwhile in the rearview mirror he notices a yellow starlet which has been doing aerobatics and has now lost a wing and is knife-edging at 120 feet. Actually 118 feet, 2 of the feet were proven to be attached to the pilots legs, and he was thus disqualified from the imperial system and forced to fly at 36.57600 metres.

 

Meanwhile the Kaptain Von Stahlein has been doing some espionage and found out that Big-dumbass-les has been silly enough to put his whole life on display on My Space-for-chatting-up-hot-country-singers. Or some of it anyway, or what I want people to see.

 

So the couter-espionage branch of the Big-airfarce-les has been investigating the Kaptain, and found his website calls him a motel:clap:

 

Biggles then asks Kaptain to sit for a Turing test............

 

 

[turboplanner]

he was in dire straights, but suddenly remembered he'd installed the altimeter upside down (didn't matter, he liked it better that way) and he was really only at 901 feet. Sputnik 1 by now was fast overtaking him. He looked in the mirrors again and saw the beady eyes of Bumper from Adlinger....

 

 

[turboplanner]

Tubbypenner was watching from below and thought the conversation was going to get off Bingles, but saw that Bignoter was getting faster and faster so he agreed that Kaptain should sit the Turing test (was that suppost to be touring, Bignob?).

 

To everyone's surprise, Kaptain..