The Never Ending Story

[hihosland]

Responds Riverland Lass

 

"you would

 

if you could

 

but you can't.

 

I wish that you would

 

but you won't

 

'cause you can't

 

with that .... "

 

 

[turboplanner]

2$.......

 

 

[ahlocks]

...I wish that you wouldbut you won't 'cause you can't

 

with that .... "

...preoccupation with farming implements you all seem to have.

 

With your (slartster's) facination with single furrow ploughing and Tuber's John Deere wheel fetish, :confused: I'm surprised that any of you have time to think of things of the flesh." Quipped the riverland girl.

 

“And my dear suite (think about it..) Kaptain. Not spittle? What ever could you mean??" :raise_eyebrow:

 

With that she turned the perplexed:question::question:pete for an explanation.....

 

 

[Captain]

With that she turned the perplexed:question::question:pete for an explanation.....

"No good asking me" said BigPete (who is also GrandPaPete or perhaps SoDeadPete) from Chuca. "I am not perplexedPete, but I have been known as PerspexPete in the past (due to a trick that I do at Bucks nights with a piece of 3/8" plastic and a lemon).

 

And ahlocks, who has until now been seen by all as a somewhat conservative, if not reserved, SportStar owner (except when it came to shooting down Jabirus as they overtake him) has shown himself to be a master of the double-entendre and a bit of a deviate too. No wonder he fits in so well in the NES, but it is also not surprising that the guys at the station buck when it is his turn to sleep over, when they say "Steve ......

 

 

[planedriver]

Are you a sportstar in the air, or, in the cot:question:

 

If it is the latter,you should keep it to yourself.

 

The Riverland lass reads these posts to pick up her "hot tips" for the week, and you could easily be led astray:big_grin::big_grin::big_grin: and the Crappy Captain who is seldom lost for words may never let you forget it.

 

 

FamilysocialitePete is busy checking out the Christmas decorations in Melbourne, so you can't ask him for advise.

 

 

Admin, due to reduced sales in the "Clearprop" shop, has a fantastic line of pre-loved Christmas lights with 4 or 5% of the globes still in working order,and they are going for a song if you're interested:question::thumb_up:thumb_down:censored:. Some even have electronic music playing "silent light". However they could be an absolute bargain for a mentally handicapped handyman.

 

 

For the intrepid "Gray-Brigade" wanting a mystery tour around Oz, there is always the loose-needle compasses in need of a spot of super-glue, and they come with a guarantee that you'll visit interesting places that you never thought existed, and make an ideal Xmas present.

 

 

What more can one ask from an international site like this:question:;););)

[ahlocks]

Quickly deflecting Planey’s attempt to draw the NES away from titillating innuendo; :devil:

 

Sportstar in the cot? Me?? :nerd:i_dunno

 

Sportstars are well built, attractive to the eye, long lasting and built by the cheks.

 

I can assure you that I have none of those qualities. Although my mother did mutter something about a hole and some kind of chek being the reason I was born….i_dunno:raise_eyebrow::confused:

 

Meanwhile, The riverland girl :heart:gathered her ‘hot tips’ from the forum and carefully tucked them back from where they had spilled. :broken_heart::broken_heart:

 

CantseeabloodythingPete was miffed for he had missed the spectacle. While he claimed that he was laser blinded by a xmas light in Melbourne, it was widely suspected that his good lady wife had read his previous post.

 

As the swelling eased, and his vision was restored, the chewka legend....

 

 

[BigPete]

....suddenly realized it was only two days before christmas.....

 

"" said ForgetfulPete to himself, I still don't have a present for the holder of the "BuggaOfAndGoFlying" leave passes. :heart: Thank heaven for late night shopping. :thumb_up: "Strewth", he said to a passing lamp post as he crawled down the freeway at 42 knots thumb_down (well this is Melbourne), what do I get her

 

After parking the car 2 miles from the shopping centre, AtLeastI'mNotTheOnlyOne) PPPPPPPPPete, (Prior Preparation Plus Planning Prevents XXXX Poor Performance) walked, and walked, (and walked), into the main entrance. :confused:

 

After spending enough money to fill the Jabby 4 times i_dunno (which should give me at least 6 months of leave passes) :big_grin: PennilessPete returnes to the car.

 

Where the is it

 

(Here I am, over here. With the flat Battery) :yuk:

 

By the time ExhaustedPete gets home to bed, he counts his blessings:

 

1. Car now has a new battery. :thumb_up:

 

2. All that exercise means I can eat more Xmas dinner.:thumb_up:

 

3. She :heart: who holds the afore mentioned flying passes - will be handing them out like there's no tomorrow. :thumb_up:

 

4. It's now only one bloody day 'till Xmas :thumb_up:

 

Merry Christmas to all those that stop here.

 

:thumb_up: (Hey Ian, can we have Xmas type emoticons for NESt year )

 

regards

 

:big_grin:

 

 

[Captain]

Although my mother did mutter something about a hole and some kind of chek being the reason I was born ….

Dear Ahlovak

 

That is usually the case, Steve, although it is not always a Czechoslovakian gentleman that does the deed.

 

So in a Christmas frenzy, PrezzyPete is DEMANDING Xmas Emoticons ..... and all just because he went to the shop to buy something. I suspect that eroticPete must use them during or after his frequent lovemaking, but I wonder which of the following are used the most: :black_eye: or thumb_down or or or :pig: or :thumb_up: or or or or or :ah_oh:.

 

As all women well know, the 4 words that they all hate to hear during lovemaking are "Oh ......... sorry about that", not that ProwessPete has ever had to mutter those terrible words.

 

"Yes" said the Riverland Lass "Why don't you recite the 9 times table to yourself, or go through the SIGMET abbreviations (silently) until I catch up to you. Then you can ........."

 

Le Crapp (nine nines are eighty-one)

 

 

[BigPete]

So the captain :heart: is feeling tired and looking to join Biggles for two weeks rest. Though I must say Le Crappee is the master at pushing the limits :black_eye: AND the only emoticon I use after you know what is:

 

 

and speaking of my better half, :broken_heart: she now informs me that my new battery (see post #658) is part of my xmas booty.

 

I told her if I find the bastard wrapped up under the xmas tree tomorrow morning, then fair enough.

 

(Jeez it's quiet here at the moment). :confused:

 

Jeez I love Xmas.

 

ScroogeMcPete exits (stage left).

 

regards

 

 

[turboplanner]

quickly followed by tubbopairer who is treading very carefully after showing his resentment at being dragged into housework, and peeling potatoes by putting one of his daughter's bras on the christmas turkey.

 

 

[hihosland]

Big Pete did say

 

'"and speaking of my better half, :broken_heart: she now informs me that my new battery is part of my xmas booty. "

 

From which one can only conclude that last Christmas she did buy him something into which he could insert batteries.

 

A grand Christmas to all

 

slack windsocks

 

and following winds

 

davidh

 

 

[planedriver]

women well know, the 4 words that they all hate to hear during lovemaking are "Oh ......... sorry about that",

Planey reckons thats you're not quite right there Captain:question:

 

I think it's supposed to be----------Vasectomy= Never having to say "i'm sorry"

 

I learned this from the key-ring that the nurse with the cold hands gave me;).

 

Also a "stitch in time, saves nine", whatever thats supposed to mean:confused:.

 

Thought for the day. If Santa comes but once a year. I'm not going to grow a beard.

 

Ho, Ho, Ho,

 

 

[turboplanner]

Tuberplane rolled over heavy with Christmas turkey and english pudding and thought of BigvoltsPete. Isn't it funny how, if you buy a piece of workshop equipment it's classed as a major present for the next three years, but if you buy them a lawnmower or shovel - something to make life easier it doesn't count!

 

Part of Tuberplane's Christmas was spent getting his boat out of the dam. He'd launched it to de-rust and repaint the trailer, which had taken longer than expected, just as the warm weather arrived, so the dam was much smaller getting the boat out than it was getting the boat in. The wheels sank to about knee level, but after puttin in half a wood yard, wearing out a set of 4WD tyres and finally using the tractor as a winching point the combination rose out of the water with the trailer now yellow and festooned with lilies, weeds and a half tonne of mud. He thought that all things being equal he wouldn't do that again.

 

Nevertheless, he was told that getting the boat out of the dam was part of his Christmas present.

 

Hadrian Lever had just asked for volunteers to join a Recreational Flyer FSX group, but after getting tangled in the Microsoft Jungle (nerds have a wicked sense of humour don't they) and rebooting 17 times he fell asleep.

 

He dreamed of flying an F16 on a mission, the 20 minute preflight, the radar setup, the precision destruction and the low level return to base with the girl's voice on the warning system telling him to "pull Up, pull Up, pull Up. It reminded him of his youth.

 

As he approached base he even remembered not to let the speed build up above 280 knots on the descent and rip the gear off.

 

Suddenly there was an enormous tin can noise, and with a shock, he rose up off the Lilo, thinking it was the Sportscar of Oarlocks.

 

He'd read about them - crosswired instruments so when the oil pressure was low the temperature was hot, and when the temperature was hot the altitude was low and when the rpm built up the speed washed off, all designed to keep the pilot's attention focussed on flying the aircraft rather than listening to CD's.

 

As the fog in his brain lifted he realised the noise was just the dog tipping over it's food bowl, but up above him, staring down with a vicious leer stood the Riverland lass...

 

 

[hihosland]

Commanding the viscous leer to "Sit Stop Stay" off in a quiet corner the Riverland Lass doth say....

 

"You crying 'Pull Up, Pull Up' in your sleep did touch me right here.

 

Can I perhaps assist you to settle this 'Pull Uppingness' while soothing your fevered.........

 

 

[ahlocks]

.... "You crying 'Pull Up, Pull Up' in your sleep did touch me right here. Can I perhaps assist you to settle this 'Pull Uppingness' while soothing your fevered.........

Delusions!

 

For tubby planer, who was suffering from overindulging in xmas tucker, didn't have the energy to crack a smile, let alone crack anything else.! :raise_eyebrow:

 

Ahlovak was suffering similar after two days of extra helpings of trifle and Pav and being edumacted on the correct spelling of czech.(Hmmm, hole in the wet czech ... still not sure what she meant...but I digress)

 

With an extended belly and having consumed a couple of cleansing xmas ales, Rollicks could not contemplate ascending into the hot blue yonder where la Kraptain circled, for five b:censored:y hours, taunting for a fibreglass v's aluminium face off.:ah_oh:

 

"Bugga that! it's taken two days to come up with some smart a:censored:s yarn for NES! Let alone having to clean the machine gun juice off the inside of the canopy again!" muttered Ahlovak. (this multi personality thing is certainly complicated...i_dunno). I'll have to entertain myself with tubby planers escapade with aviations natural enemy:exclamation: - the boat."thumb_downthumb_downthumb_down

 

The riverland girl :heart: soon realised that oarlocks/rollicks/Ahlovak would be waste off time :ah_oh: (well, not a great deal of time..) as she figured he understood the "pull up" joke probably far to well...

 

With that she......

 

 

[turboplanner]

reached up and grabbed the strut of Hohosland who not only had an aircraft with slow takeoff and landing characteristics, but slow flight as well, and a 17 minute build time according to the kit supplier.

 

Hohosland had become suspicious when he first opened the Weeties packet and found what appeared to be the contents of a Dick Smith stores dumpmaster, but persevered over the years to finally produce an aircraft which wasn't lovely to look at but..(When they say that you just KNOW its ugly) could land on a ten dollar bill.

 

"Never trust a man who flies a Sportscar" said Hohosland eying off the gentle curves of Riverland Lass who was wondering where this was all leading.

 

Just then there came the unmistakeable roar of a Jabiru engine overhead. It was DivebombingPete from down the street...

 

 

[hihosland]

Cried he ( very softly)

 

"Unhand that strut you saucy s..t"

 

Quizzed she cocking an ear to the

 

to the sounds of Divebombing Pete's

 

Jabby silence ".....

 

 

[Captain]

..... she cocking an ear to the sounds of Divebombing Pete's Jabby silence ".....

" ... Is that DownthestreetPete zooming down on me?" she said with a wriggle.

 

"And don't call me a s..t, HiHo, or I won't let you watch".

 

Just then Horlicks landed his sportscar (for he was strut-less) and asked to join the action. "Can I ......

 

 

[hihosland]

"..... watch/ Please can I watch?

 

I may be strutless

 

but verily variable in pitch am I.

 

Pleeeeease??????

 

I promise to be as silent as a stuck-tappet

 

youknowrhoo.

 

Pleease????'

 

 

[ahlocks]

Icanland(on a postage stamp) was befuddled as to why the Riverland girl :heart:, would be upset by being called a sORt.:ah_oh::ah_oh:. Surely she knew that country gentlemen still used archaic terms when describing good lookin' sheilas?!:black_eye:

 

Ahlovak, thought that a really cool sounding czech name would woo the riverland lass, like those latino lover names like Enrique do...:ah_oh::broken_heart:, But it was the the sight of a DivebombPetes video camera :broken_heart: that had the riverland girl :heart: quivering like a Hilton on a hot plate :raise_eyebrow:.

 

The mere thought of potentialPete's big new xmas battery powering that camera had her....

 

 

[Captain]

Some great lines here fellas. Keep it up. Just love " quivering like a Hilton on a hot plate" and particularly "as silent as a stuck-tappet" (I'm gunna use that the next time I get a chance, so what is the licence fee for that one HiHo?).

 

The mere thought of potentialPete's big new xmas battery powering that camera had her....

.... tit-elated. (however I may have spelt that incorrectly).

 

"But I really hanker for Geoff from Mildewra High" she said "As I have read about him on Aero Club cubicles and he is a legend around the Riverland. All that and he gives girls free plonk" she said "Give him a call will you please HidyHody, and tell him that ........"

 

Regarde

 

Le Crappppee

 

The variable pitch of our Ahlocks is on call

 

 

[turboplanner]

Le Crappe found an artful way to get out of the trap set for him by Horlocks, but obviously can't spell titilated.

 

Riverland Lass hadn't been fooled by that euphemism - she knew what a flat battery was and exactly where those two deviates were headed, but she'd won the Bundy swilling contest at the Grong Grong B&S and the thought of Mildewra Geoff offering free grog attracted her - it didn't really matter what he looked like she thought, might be worth a trip.

 

She hitched a ride to Mildewra with Big2$ who had overflown his destination at Bermagui because there were no ground features to navigate by.

 

She booked into the Grand, but was quickly kicked out again after loudly abusing Stefano for overcooking a steak.

 

"It's stopped quivering - you've killed it you ****" she'd said.

 

So, in the sloppy blue T Shirt, the moleskins with dirt all over the rear, and slamming the RM's into the pavement she set out for her real objective, FreeplonkGeoff.

 

Now news travels fast in a country district and it came to pass that every girl around town had heard of evil Geoff's wicked ways, so he was doing it hard

 

He'd thought there might be one little scrubber out the other side of Wentworth who'd be in it, and was driving down the main street to the bottle shop when he saw Riverland Lass staggering under the weight of her back pack and swag.

 

Unsuspecting, Riverland Lass opened the door of the Ute, whereupon six empty stubbies and a Southern Comfort bottle fell out.

 

One look at RL told MildewraGoeff that this was going to take more than a sixpack of VB, and without realising what he was doing, said "How would you like toc ome to the Pooncarrie B&S Ball tonight?"

 

Riverland Lass, used to the blunt invitations of BatteryPete, Le Crapper and Horlocks was lost for words for a moment, but sensing there might be booze in this quickly agreed.

 

A few hours later MildewraGeoff had managed to borrow one of his sister's outfits for RL, and freshly shaved, wearing a dinner suit, with the sheep dung cleaned out of the back of the Ute proudly drove up to the gate of the Pooncarrie Racecourse.

 

Along with the ticket collectors standing at the entrance were six Jackaroos who'd jumped out of their car and were relieving themselves against the fence in full view of the long line of incoming cars.

 

The fence itself had been dressed for the occasion by the B&S committee who'd hung up eight foxes with a snake each end.

 

After collecting the tickets, FreegrogGeoff decided he would impress RL with a rooster tail of dirt from the Ute as they started up the drive, but stood on it a little too early and showered the ticket collectors with red dust.

 

When they'd found a park among the hundreds of utes and thousands of aerials, and walked over to the betting ring they were greeted by the sight of hundreds of dinner suits and beautiful dresses and a top Sydney band which had been imported for the night.

 

Riverland Lass looked around in awe and..

 

 

[hihosland]

...cried

 

"oooooo!!

 

There's so much style about.

 

Paris Hilton must be coming"

 

And so enbolden by the ambiance and determined to impress,

 

she strode as tall as she could over to FreeGrogGeoff and with pinky nonchalantly curled about a Darwin Stubby holder sweetly inquired "Can I have a Bundy ............."

 

 

[turboplanner]

But FreeplonkGeoff wasn’t ready just yet, and decided a slower start might produce better results.

 

 

As he swirled Riverland lass around the dance floor he noticed two things; firstly no one else was swirling around the floor and secondly, he looked down he could swear he saw an RM toe under the silk dress of Riverland Lass.

 

 

Not having attended a B&S before, he must have had a surprised look on his face because she explained that the dance floor, her Sydney band and for that mater the marquee, all of which cost the various Batchelors around $10,000 were only there for the Cityslickers.

 

 

It was a B&S tradition around midnight to have a fireworks display and the batchelors had sited the Marquee near a giant but dead Red Gum (very rare on Pooncarrie) which was about 25 metres high.

 

 

Boofer had drained the diesel from his Chamberlain about 10 pm and there was now a roaring fire going up centre and out the hollow limbs. There’d been a few squeals when some possums abandoned ship, but there’d been solid entertainment for an hour when a feral cat came scorching down the tree, saw the various dogs waiting expectantly around the base of the tree and doubled back, but just as the dogs thought they had it won, there was a fiery streak as he wild cat launched 20 metres above their heads and landed in heavy scrub well past the dogs, starting a small bushfire as he ran through the brush.

 

 

For the fireworks display the batchelors had discussed getting a professional in, but Boofer said he’d take care of it, and keeping out of sight of the crowd he carefully carried his bag of Nitroprill to the base of the tree, dug a hole, lit the fuse and nonchalantly walked back to the assembled guests zipping up his fly.

 

 

The guests had been told to expect a fireworks display, but no one could have predicted what happened next.

 

 

There was a sharp jolt, and everyone temporarily lost their footing, and this was followed by a gigantic BANG, which in turn was followed by 45 tonnes of red gum launching skywards trailing fire like a Redstone rocket.

 

 

Just then there was a flash of yellow as Jabba the Hut steering his Corbet Startle at exactly 120 feet over the party.

 

 

The red gum had reached 119 feet....

 

 

[ahlocks]

Now how the hell can Turboplaner, a townie from down south, have such intimate knowledge of the rituals of the B&S? :raise_eyebrow:

 

It appears that the Tooradin taunter, may well have insider knowledge from a rural upbringing…That true tuberplanter? ;):devil:

 

And now, with Oxford on hand and Roget’s at the ready…..

 

The red gum had reached 119 feet....

“A tree, a tree, same level at three! Hard left!!†Chirped TCAS in the startle.:ah_oh:

 

“Stuff a horse, I’m off course, turn right†sung out young bingles.

 

( ‘cuz dodging airborne trees was really quite passé for such an adventurous lad. Well, that and his dire straights CD was up to a really good bit…)

 

“Holy skin tight moleskinsâ€, quipped hiho(canlandanywhere), with his eyes transfixed on the acreage of a bushpig’s rump.:yuk::yuk:

 

(No, no, not the svelte derrière of the Riverland lass).:heart::heart:

 

“If they have to close the strip, that’s where I’ll put down†he thought quietly to himself.

 

Whew! As the drama subsided, a solitary call was heard on CTAF. “I’ve just had a near miss with a startle, a sheeter and a bloody big tree!†For MusicalMerv, who had been doing his best to avoid being involved in one of the rex (interesting to see if he bites..) was inbound to offer advice with one of his classic tales…..