The Never Ending Story

[Bryon]

PS to all the other reprobates in here. Isnt it good to have new blood to hang sh*t on

 

Hey Andy, I wouldnt do anything as nasty as that, not like all the other knockers in here.

 

Trust me Andy

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo would just warn any potential NES contributors, that Brine is like a death adder - just lays there in the sand appearing to be a leaf, but with the bite of a doberman if an ankle goes by, and a .........

 

 

[Captain]

Turbo would just warn any potential NES contributors, that Brine is like a death adder - just lays there in the sand appearing to be a leaf, but with the bite of a doberman if an ankle goes by, and a .........

... tendancy more to be a tea-leaf (not that there is anything wrong woth that) than just a leaf.

 

This became clearly evident when Brynylon and AndySatOnIt became close confidants (not that there is anything wrong with that, either) and taking the CWA as a model, formed branches of the CPA concurrently in both Dandenong and Coffs-up-something.

 

"The CPA welcomesss membersss of all persuasionsss" sssaid Briney "And we ....................

 

 

[turboplanner]

".....exsssspect to ssssee improvementssssss in governanssssse in future yearssssss" he whistled

 

Turbo is able to let readers into a secret not picked up by the news media yesterday despite hanging around the Channel Nine negotiations like bad smells all day.

 

Kym Gyngell was abler to negotiate a stunning $3 billion debt for equity deal with creditors solely on a proof of an upcoming NES story which Turbo provided to Kym, on the real story of Captain, his name, his history....and his er breeding.

 

Een will shortly announce a syndicated sale of the NES chapter to the Nine Network as a series entitled "Unspeakable"

 

The reason Leila gave birth yesterday was in fact the shock of reading chapter one "Unmentionable happening in Cookies Town"

 

Een said he had sold the story for 45 cents and this would ensure the future of the site as a new haven for Trolls starting Dorothy Dix threads pretending to be airline pilots, instructors, or potential students, and sucking in genuine offers of help for their evil amusement.

 

 

[Captain]

Turbo is able to let readers into a secret not picked up by the news media yesterday despite hanging around the Channel Nine negotiations like bad smells all day.Kym Gyngell was abler to negotiate a stunning $3 billion debt for equity deal with creditors solely on a proof of an upcoming NES story which Turbo provided to Kym, on the real story of Captain, his name, his history....and his er breeding.

 

Een will shortly announce a syndicated sale of the NES chapter to the Nine Network as a series entitled "Unspeakable"

 

The reason Leila gave birth yesterday was in fact the shock of reading chapter one "Unmentionable happening in Cookies Town"

 

Een said he had sold the story for 45 cents and this would ensure the future of the site as a new haven for Trolls starting Dorothy Dix threads pretending to be airline pilots, instructors, or potential students, and sucking in genuine offers of help for their evil amusement.

EDITORIAL ASIDE .............. The humble and introverted Rodent has almost messed himself at this news from his so-called mate Turdy, and El Ratsack now has his tail between his legs, his head between his knees and his ..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

....pen at the ready to write some Troll threads to divert attention from the horrible truth.

 

He thought he might position himself as a charter operator with a Cessna 206, based in Alice Springs, needing a cargo pod for the coming season and could anyone advise where he could get one. He was sure that idea hadn't been used before, and he would use the name CentreRock which he had registered a couple of years before. he would use another name "Cargocharlie" to say "you can't get a cargo pod for a 206" and a third one "Recreational Jack" to say "Why are we talking about silly old GA on this site" and he could then tease it out for months as the suckers came in with advice.

 

But it was only "writer's choke" and trying to unravel his thousands of photos from deepest Queenlsand (which included a rare photo of an escaped snow leopard) which kept Turbo from a pre-release story which, NES readers, will stand the hairs on the back of your neck on end, as it did Turbo's when he visited the spots alive with the ghosts of history.

 

 

[Captain]

But please, oh please, dear reader, give some thought to dear old Ratdroppings, who thought that his dirty sordid family secrets had been buried even more efficiently and deeperer that the 60 Spitfires that his father had salted away in the Burmese jungle during the war when we gave Nobu's mob a damn good thrashing, after which Colonel Ratfeatures had said to a young Ratpoop "Don't dig 'em up before 2013, son, when they'll be 70 years old and worth a shipload once Ung Sung Soo Chee is in power, Madam Mi has the food concession, and you'll be able to flog 'em off pretty easily to the young Lowy kiddie at Temora."

 

Well dear reader, bugger me (not that there is anything wrong with that) if Turdy isn't planning to dump a load (flying club and aerial spraying reference) on me after his visit to Queen'sisland, and now some pommy farmer bastard has discovered dad's superannuation stash after El Ratto, or Bwana Ratfeatures as the Burmese got to know him, went up there each year to spray the Spitfires with lanolin rust preventative.

 

But where will it bloodywell end? It'll only end when ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo remembers what the photos he took in FFNQ showed..........

 

 

[Captain]

Turdy remembers what the photos he took in FFNQ showed..........

..... that Ratties question is post # 6835 was appropriate, and it will only end when .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.........when......when....and then Turbo realised he had only dropped off and his memory rapidly cleared.

 

"It will end soon" he thought, "but it won't end well"

 

However, with his hands covered in what appeared to be lanolin rust preventative, up stepped Ratso with a sneaky grin on his face.............

 

 

[Captain]

.........when......when....and then Turbo realised he had only dropped off and his memory rapidly cleared."It will end soon" he thought, "but it won't end well"

 

However, with his hands covered in what appeared to be lanolin rust preventative, up stepped Ratso with a sneaky grin on his face.............

...... "Honest engine" he said (Axe of course, because Axe owners are all self-administrators) "This stuff was just on my hands from the last visit to Burma and I have been trying to wash it off, while waiting for my question to be answered, by rubbing it on my .........

 

My Aunt just realised that Turbo has described himself at the left of his posts as a "Well known male member" and she thinks that he sure is ................ although she worries that he is also "well used", but is also a bit interested to check him out, out there in the garden.

 

 

[Bryon]

Now I must warn young Hewhosh@toncoffs not to take any notice of all this waffle that has been pervading this righteous forum of late

 

It just shows to go how devious is that nefarious gang of two known as the Ratsbollocks that they would stoop to such a low tactic to divert attention from their real purpose.

 

After much research and investagitive prowess, I can reveal that Olratpoo and Turbz have hatched a plan to seduce all the young ladies of Burma and FFNQ (hence Turbz meanderings across the top end) in order to breed a super race of potential aviators who will hijack refugee boats and sail them to Cowla where they plan to unseat King Nobu and take over his sacred escape proof camp

 

Once in control of Cowla, they plan to beg, borrow buy and steal every rotaxian engine they can find.

 

By buying up all the available stocks of these engines and selling jabarooter engines really cheaply, they will flood the market and eventually be able hold the rest of the country to ransom for a reliable enjun

 

The only problem with this cunning plan is that Turbz keeps trying to............

 

 

[turboplanner]

....exprain explain (oops nearly gave the game away).

 

Cunning Brine from the Paris end of Lonsdale Street had in fact uncovered the original purpose of the expendition.

 

Turbo had found fifteen charming young ladies but only 34 teeth, so he had pushed beyond the fleshpots and mudcrab joints of the Cairns Esplanade and into the Daintree itself where........

 

 

[Captain]

....exprain explain (oops nearly gave the game away).Cunning Brine from the Paris end of Lonsdale Street had in fact uncovered the original purpose of the expendition.

 

Turbo had found fifteen charming young ladies but only 34 teeth, so he had pushed beyond the fleshpots and mudcrab joints of the Cairns Esplanade and into the Daintree itself where........

..... he left the Esplanade to find a WW2 Empennage filled with empanadas, in a tree that Turdy deigned to be .........

 

 

[turboplanner]

..... he left the Esplanade to find a WW2 Empennage filled with empanadas, in a tree that Turdy deigned to be .........

...part of the nest of a Cassoway, which...

 

 

[Captain]

...part of the nest of a Cassoway, which...

..... attacked & trampled poor Turdy back in post # a-few-ago. Below is a picy of the Turdster being attacked, and as you can see it was after his bag of nuts (his "Nutsack" is the technical term).

 

.

 

"They a vicious blue headed buggers, and it wouldn't have happened if I'd been there" said ..................

 

 

[turboplanner]

..... attacked & trampled poor Turdy back in post # a-few-ago. Below is a picy of the Turdster being attacked, and as you can see it was after his bag of nuts (his "Nutsack" is the technical term).

[ATTACH=full]19509[/ATTACH] .

 

"They a vicious blue headed buggers, and it wouldn't have happened if I'd been there" said ..................

......bull-fresh-from-saving-the-lives-of-six-passengers-by-calling-in-Navy-rescue-helicopters-to-a-property-south-west-of-Tennant-Creek-when-all-they'd-done-was-stop-to-take-a-leak-and.....

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

......bull-fresh-from-saving-the-lives-of-six-passengers-by-calling-in-Navy-rescue-helicopters-to-a-property-south-west-of-Tennant-Creek-when-all-they'd-done-was-stop-to-take-a-leak-and.....

&oh&bugger&now&my&minus&key&has&given&up&the&ghost&I&Think&my&&&key&is&close&to&needing&a&Navy&chopper&rescue&as&well.......&Seeing&as&they&were&around&an&all.......

 

Meanwhile Turdy while holding off, the intent on mating Cassowary, with whattever was close at hand......well maybe not just anything that was close at hand...after all dont want to encourage the bugger...... But gentle reader wasnt it fortuitous that while wandering around FFNQ without a FNClue Turdy just happened to be near a handy Riot Police shield as the Randy devil got up to boogie.....All he needed to comit mayhem upon the randy birdy was Constance Doubtfires Truncheon!!!! if he had that then.......

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Now the FFNQ CWA bunch having seen the attempted mating in action, and having little luck in that pursuit themselves figure if Turdy had a thing for big black chooks then best they see if he could be fooled........and it seemed to work with Turdy being decidely freindly with matriach of the CWA, El Presidente who was front and center of the photo and can be seen holding the book "Mating habits of the Cassowary"

 

 

[turboplanner]

And so, NES readers, you can see how, with careful teasing and artful suggestion, Turbo was able to bring out the fetishes of Andycougheditup through his family album.

 

 

[turboplanner]

For those anxiously awaiting news of the Turbo Expedition, and Captain should be primed, the story of Turbo’s mission to find the ancestral roots of NES contributors can now be told.

 

He didn’t find any, but instead found a rich history, both good and bad, from how Turbo’s ancestors helped the poor people to the evil excesses of the rat’s half-breed forbears.

 

The expedition was launched at the start of the Kidman Way, a road opened up by pastoralist Sid Kidman which he used to travel from his properties right through Queensland, New South Wales and South Australia.

 

It is fitting that the light colours on this sign come from the sky and the landscape, less costly than painting colours, and if you cut sections out of the painting, you can sell the steel as scrap.

 

This is very fitting as Sid generally made his money by buying bankrupt sheep properties, selling the sheep, firing the forty or so employees, stocking them with cattle and employing four people to run the station. This also allowed him to roll up the fences and cart them by dray to Adelaide where he made a handsome profit.

 

Sid knew how to make money. On one occasion, after bringing provisions in to Cobar in a bullock wagon, and selling them at an obscene profit, he went out into the bush and brought back a load of gum branches which he fashioned into a shady shop in the main street, slaughtered the bullocks and started a butchers shop which lasted for years.

 

Sid made a practice of camping beside the Darling River in Bourke North, or more precisely the Shire Council of Bourke made it a practice because of the smell and noise from the thousands of cattle.

 

He liked the quality of the steaks at the Bourke North Hotel and Restaurant.

 

So Turbo stayed the night at Kidman’s Camp, now upgraded and de-odorised for fifth wheelers and other niceties preferred by grey nomads.

 

He was able to stay in Kidman’s own cabin, and found an item of significant historic interest bolted to the wall. It is believed this is the skeletal head and horns of a western Queensland Bindii Buck.

 

The steaks were still great, but little did Turbo know that this would be his last meal of edible steak for some time.

 

From here it would be the long and dusty trail into unknown territory

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

From here it would be the long and dusty trail into unknown territory

.... as Turdy was headed for bone, where bull..,,*was*--...waiting for him, clutching a ...........................

 

 

[turboplanner]

....caned toad in the local RSL, or so we were told, but that was not to be..........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...Turbo will tell the bull story in good time, but back to the trail:

 

Turbo has previously told the story of Lockup’s ancestors, and how a habit of escaping led to the invention of the padlock........which only led to Lockup’s generation of the family learning how to pick it with a hairpin, although his training as a fireman on many occasions had seen him restrain himself and simply sit outside burning buildings if the front gate was locked, unless there was a damsel hanging out the window in which case Loxie usually crawled over the others to be the first inside.

 

He finally left the civilization of New South Wales and crossed the border under dark clouds into the eerie state known as Queensland (originally called Boggo, but renamed by the nouveau riche).

 

Just over a border Turbo was invited for a cup of tea by a Jab owner and toured his extensive workshop, being given a private showing of his favourite tool, used many times on through bolt nuts.

 

The owner also showed Turbo a very rare example of one of the early cattle Queenslanders bred to get the tough, inedible steaks they produce today. It was the stuffed head of a Woolly Hereford.

 

While travelling around surveying old sites, Turbo also stayed the night at Tomo’s house, but didn’t find any ancestral history at all, indicating that Dit Dot may well the alien that locals talk about, able to levitate Hiluxes to carry enormous engine and stuff.

 

Becoming wary and wearing the disguise of a cleric, Turbo drove into Roma to verify some of his own family history. His great great uncle had been treated very unfairly, being branded as a “cattle rustler” and even being the model for Captain Starlight in “Robbery under Arms”, Harry Redford.

 

He was in fact a cattle whisperer, a trait Turbo has inherited, unfortunately, with tigers.

 

Harry worked on a Station at Aramac and all he did was comfort the poor cattle.

 

One day he said “Hey mates, I feel like riding down to Adelaide for a holiday”, so six of them rode off, and how could they help it if a thousand head of cattle, pining for Harry quickly caught up with them.

 

A white stud Hereford Bull (not the woolly breed) caught up a day later because he’d been busy.

 

Seeing he was so valuable and identifiable, Harry tried to convince him to go home, but all the young heifers were in the herd, and you know what that meant. (If you don’t, just book yourself into the next BNS in your district and wear a Ute).

 

Harry got to Adelaide over land that no one had ever travelled, especially with a thousand cattle, and, wanting to go surfing rather than find feed for his friends, was forced to, forced to sell them.

 

The bull, worth 8 thousand pounds, made the papers, and Harry was wrongly charged with cattle rustling, which carried the death penalty in those days, usually administered with a 30/30.

 

He was brought back to Roma to be tried, to great acclamation, cheering and street parades from the cattlemen’s association, because he had opened up a new market for them other than having to deal with that pack of stingy bastards at Caboolture.

 

The old Roma Courthouse was packed for the trial, the jury being made up of overjoyed cattlemen, and after the evidence was received the Judge pointed out there was no doubt about the crime, that Harry was a scallywag (in today’s language a four letter word), and there was a suitable tree nearby, and sent the Jury to consider their verdict.

 

They came back a few minutes later and said “Not guilty, Your Honour, and he can keep the bull”

 

The Queensland Government, in a classic case of closing the gate after the horse had bolted, closed the courthouse for two years and tried the cases in Caboolture.

 

Turbo was hoping to find the old Courthouse and perhaps some records of his family’s innocence, but there was only a photo.

 

Turbo’s family had brought so much money into the town that a magnificent new Courthouse was built and is active to this day, serving the thousands of miners who endlessly drive thousands of Hi Luxes around the town and get booked for speeding, drinking, drug dealing and all those things.

 

“What they need is the pride and integrity of the old cattleman”, he thought.

 

He packed up his camera gear and decided to wear shoes from that point on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

"how,,,can,,,,you--follow,,,that" asked bull when he and the Rodent had a chai-mocca-nutmeg-skinny-decaf-latte in one of the many bowen gay coffee rendezvous joints.

 

"I know" replied ElRatto "Turdy has used up all of the supply of words for today. He must think we are literate if he is writing fair-dinkum stories in the NES ..... or else he is lost."

 

And just at that moment, in walked a Zeus-like individual, all baby-oiled up, & as all God-like individuals do, he was holding his orb (in public even) in his hand, and also like all God-like creatures do, he was using his orb as a means of cracking on to ladies.

 

It was Andysettheworldalite, fresh from CoughsUpAHairball and ready to ..............