The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

diff can sieze and put you into a spin, which can be embarrassing when.....

 

 

[Captain]

diff can sieze and put you into a spin, which can be embarrassing when.....

..... when you can't tell the diff between the CWA and the CPA, or a Tax & a Ru, or Bange-it-Holme & Dan-de-Nong, or Brine & Brackish, or an efficient CEO & a useless lump of dead weight, or AhLocks & a member of the Magnificenti Moderatti, or .............

 

 

[turboplanner]

A confused and tearful rat who had lost his way amd was trembling at the the thought of what Turbo might have found when.....

 

 

[Captain]

A confused and tearful rat who had lost his way amd was trembling at the the thought of what Turbo might have found when.....

.... in fact, El Ratto was doing a spoonful himself, as he has just been at Phillip Island all weekend for the bike races, had a squizz around Dandy-Nong & Ye Olde Bange Holme, and was at this moment at Port Fairy (not that there is anything wrong with that) trying to dodge Turdy's malicious rumours, & what he might have found when .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....there were many at Philip Island, most riding genuine Harleys rather than a white ponce's wheels with pink tassles, but we won't tell anyone about that.

 

While we're not mentioning things, he doesn't wear leather, he wears lycra.

 

City of Casey Council puts on a special "Piston Patrol" after the race to collect all the Harley pistons lying on south Gippsland Highway like Fosters cans used to do, but in general all the Harley riders made it home one way or the other.

 

For NES readers who don't know the local geography, Wagga Wagga is north of Melbourne on the biggest highway in Australia, so one would say "you can't miss it", but Rat's Breath has finished up some 300 kilometres WEST of Melbourne.

 

The mind boggles at what he gets up to when turned loose in his Jabiru 230 with the fast cruise speed.

 

One hopes that the poor lost rat will find his way home without straying across the border into South Australia, where, as we know, Strange Things Happen. There's the Tantanoola Tiger for a start, and the elephant which escaped from a circus and lives in the Bool Lagoon, and if he get's north of Adelaide, Flying Guernseys - and won't they slow him down if he gets under a drop; he may even come home with a green bike, and .....

 

 

[Captain]

........ today he heads north for meeting of the Hall's Gap CWA, where he will present a 2 stage lecture, the first being his very popular talk on Multiple Organisms, a subject about which many of the CWA ladies show strong interest, and the 2nd being his ongoing problem with Ahlock the Harlock (and the lack of flights behind the Axe in the Szara [not that there is anything wrong with that]), ....... then the Rat has been retained by the Grampians Progress Association to go out with brave abandon and capture the Grampians Panther (which should be a breeze after Rato caught and shot that Tazzy Tiger a couple of years ago (for they are as hard to find as a decent Tazzy Treasurer ..... but thank goodness that we now have a magnificent one), then your brave Ratatoille is stuck and marooned in NW Victoria while the state shuts down and all citizens take 4 or 5 days off because of some Equine Event (talk about Mañana in Mextoria, these blokes and blokettes are much worse than those f'nQueens Islanders) even though we are in the midst of the worst recession since 1937, but then again, as Nanna and Mavis have so often said "Give us the Mextorian boy and we will ...................

 

 

[turboplanner]

...travel all the way to Tigwana to pick him up.

 

It was Turbo that let the Grampians Panther go. He'd bought him at a weekend market when he was a baby. The nice lady had said he was a Siamese and Turbo had always wanted an asian. Things went well for a few months until Turbo noticed he was continuing to grow. Then there was an unfortunate incident with the neighbours chooks and a trail of feathers back to his bed. One day Turbo was teasing him with a woollen ball, and the gash when "Pussy" lashed out required 20 stitches. Then the news media began reporting stock losses and large paw prints and several fizzy photos were produced so Turbo took him up into the Grampians where today he is lying in wait for a lycra covered bikie on a white Suzuki with pink tassles (on the bike), then.............

 

Photo is of a Snow Leopard in Cardwell, FNQ, disturbed by the destruction of the rainforest by cyclone Yasi (which also destroyed a lot of Cassoways). Turbo posted this a few days ago and the site has gone viral with thousands of people reporting "big cat" sightings and a group "Protect the Cardwell Snow Leopard" has been formed in Japan.

 

 

 

[Captain]

....... the Rodent, believing every word that the Turps Drinker printed, sucked it up and headed out into the untamed wilds of the Grampians (or "Gariwerd" as the Rat's ancestors used to call it) using his not inconsiderable tracking skills looking for the Black Panther that Tubb had released there years ago.

 

I am pleased to report that the mythical creature does exist and here is a photo taken up at the Boroka Lookout ......... where a heap of seniors, on a bus trip, cacked themselves.

 

 

So it is confirmed that Turbo's fluffy little "Siamese" ball of fun has turned into a fine representative of the species, but because the panther buggered off once it got a wiff of what the seniors had done in their dacks, El Ratsack continued his search, single minded about what he was after and ignoring Koalas, Kwokas, 2 Japanese WW2 soldier escapees from Cowla and various Axe gearboxes that had been dumped (or fallen off) up near the waterfall.

 

Well .......................... imagine Ratatouile's surprise when he discovered a second group of Panthers, and when he jumped out with his net to capture them alive, he came face-to-face with these blokes .....

 

 

........... but they were having a party .......... at their training camp ........ so the Rat joined in, gave the secret sign, brought out his tin of Nugget and .....................

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......was in the process of polishing his balls when Turbo walked into camp.......

 

 

[Captain]

.......was in the process of polishing his balls when Turbo walked into camp.......

..... Tubb had been the one on the right in the photo that Ratpoo had taken (see post # 6911), down at the sign in Halls Gap advertising their party, but Ratty hadn't recognized him, what with the jaunty tilt of his beret, his caterpillar mustache, his shotty, the pain of the nugget on his nuggets, and his ..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

........exceedingly good looks, not to mention being fully dressed compared to the Rat who was wearing a loin cloth and cammo bandanna.

 

The Rat was carrying a garden rake.

 

"You'll need more than a garden rake to scratch Pussy" he said from long experience "her claws are longer than............

 

Turbo sincerely believes Ratso has captured a genuine photo of Pussy in the Garowerd area because that is exactly what the hills in the background look like, and the volcanic igneous rocks are local to Hall's Gap (named after Major Hall who had a gap between his front teeth), and the moss is excalsiorus gapperus which is only found within Gariwerd.

 

 

[Captain]

........exceedingly good looks, not to mention being fully dressed compared to the Rat who was wearing a loin cloth and cammo bandanna.The Rat was carrying a garden rake.

 

"You'll need more than a garden rake to scratch Pussy" he said from long experience "her claws are longer than............

.... the list of excuses that Poxy Loxy uses to ward off taking the Rodent for a fly in the Szara (however, come to think of it, all of Ratso's so-called "mates" always have a shipload of excuses for everything that he wants to do), but then again, Ratty is getting equivalent thrills by hunting Panthers and doesn't have to put up with the worry about gearbox whines & rattles, however the adrenalin rush that you get from the hunt for panthers using your bare hands, pales into insignificance compared to what Robin of Loxly does when he ..............

 

 

[Bryon]

.... the list of excuses that Poxy Loxy uses to ward off taking the Rodent for a fly in the Szara (however, come to think of it, all of Ratso's so-called "mates" always have a shipload of excuses for everything that he wants to do), but then again, Ratty is getting equivalent thrills by hunting Panthers and doesn't have to put up with the worry about gearbox whines & rattles, however the adrenalin rush that you get from the hunt for panthers using your bare hands, pales into insignificance compared to what Robin of Loxly does when he ..............

.....gets a whiff of feral pussy.

 

The scent of his prey (hunting reference for all the hunter gatherers out there) usually sends Robingetshisroxoff into a paroxysm (look it up) of maniacal fervour

 

"What rerigion is he?" asked Nobu who had come out of hiding in Gariwerd to pay homage to the great Ratpoo and his ability to go off on a tangent without even thinking he was lost

 

It was about this time that Turbz appeared in an emu feather skirt borrowed from Olblackratspoo ancestors and proceeded to.................

 

 

[Captain]

.....gets a whiff of feral pussy.The scent of his prey (hunting reference for all the hunter gatherers out there) usually sends Robingetshisroxoff into a paroxysm (look it up) of maniacal fervour

 

"What rerigion is he?" asked Nobu who had come out of hiding in Gariwerd to pay homage to the great Ratpoo and his ability to go off on a tangent without even thinking he was lost

 

It was about this time that Turbz appeared in an emu feather skirt borrowed from Olblackratspoo ancestors and proceeded to.................

........ remove the emu feathers from the skirt and place each one around his body through plaiting them into his back hair and pubes using hangman's knots. "It's a digenous initiation ritual" said Turbo, while biting on a Roo's skin pain reliever (which look a bit like those dog chews made from hide, except Turbo's had fur on it).

 

"That rooks rike it hurts" commented Nobu with admiration "I'd rather be circumsized with an oyster shell" he added, but then he witnessed the impossible when Turbo inserted the biggest Emu feather up his ......

 

 

[Captain]

.... Rainbow Serpent, after which it exhibited most of the colours of the rainbox except indigo.

 

Today the Rodent went to lunch at the Black Panther Cafe in Halls Gap, where he expected it to be a normal cafe, but instead it was like a Chicken Shop .......... where they served Black Panther using various cuts, and to his surprise he found that Black Panthers tasted just like ........

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

chicken with nuts ....after all its a well known fact that anying exotic tastes like chicken or nuts or chicken with nuts....especially if the Eater is nervous and trying to talk him/herself into being big and brave and eating that slimy garden slug/witchity.....Ratpoo was hoping for a taste of nuts after all he hadnt had nuts for years , having lost them in a public brawl at some general discussions in Temora where they were sampled as a delicacy by the exec of the.......

 

 

[Captain]

chicken with nuts ....after all its a well known fact that anying exotic tastes like chicken or nuts or chicken with nuts....especially if the Eater is nervous and trying to talk him/herself into being big and brave and eating that slimy garden slug/witchity.....Ratpoo was hoping for a taste of nuts after all he hadnt had nuts for years , having lost them in a public brawl at some general discussions in Temora where they were sampled as a delicacy by the exec of the.......

..... disfunctional organisation.

 

So while El Rodentus faught for the wellbeing of the members at the Temora meeting, all as witnessed by Salty, and Andyshatintherat'shat has decided to belittle that brave effort by referring to the Rat's nut-less state, in this public forum, Ratatouile is at this very moment clad back in his loin-cloth and cammo-bandanna (and freezing cold, I might add, after the SW change came through yesterday) to continue his quest for Tubb's fluffy asian .............

 

 

[Bryon]

..... disfunctional organisation.

So while El Rodentus faught for the wellbeing of the members at the Temora meeting, all as witnessed by Salty, and Andyshatintherat'shat has decided to belittle that brave effort by referring to the Rat's nut-less state, in this public forum, Ratatouile is at this very moment clad back in his loin-cloth and cammo-bandanna (and freezing cold, I might add, after the SW change came through yesterday) to continue his quest for Tubb's fluffy asian .............

"Why Turbz want fruffy Asian?" asked Nobu

 

"He say he not rike fruffy asian, they not taste as good as........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...law fish and...

 

 

[turboplanner]

...Turbo was brought sharply into focus by a hacking, coughing sound from very close by - without doubt it was the panther. The Rat, still in the lead, turned white.

 

Turbo knew the panther would go for the neck, the kill blow, so he took off his padded coat and wound it round his neck.

 

Ratty, who astute members will remember was only dressed in a loincloth and bandanna immediately became bait, since he could never take the loincloth off and reveal the sad truth.

 

Even though panthers have no sense of smell, they always attack from downwind because thousands of years of evolution has shown them that produces the best results.

 

The wind was coming from behind, so the panther was working to get ahead of them, and this was confirmed shortly as a flock of Liar Birds burst out of the bush ahead of the two intrepid hunters, armed only with Turbo's camera.

 

And then out stepped the panther, black as the ace of spades, huge, its green/yellow eyes coldly staring into the shifty little face of the white Suzuki rider.

 

Turbo saw Rat's loincloth suddenly expand and there was a squirt of treacle coloured liquid deposited on the track, followed by a disgusting odour.

 

Unfortunately this event had caught Turbo in mid stride and his foot came down right in the middle of the puddle.

 

This caused him to slide forward, tripping Ratty, who fell back on top of him, distributing more of the foul liquid over his clothes.

 

It only took a moment for the two hunters to scramble back a few paces, dripping, as Turbo gagged on that awful smell.

 

Yet that was enough time for the panther to charge, and he leaped into the air, aiming to hit the Rat's bare throat.

 

But in mid leap, the leopard, who as we remember had no sense of smell, gagged at the smell from Ratty's evacuation, and as he landed put on the brakes.

 

Unfortunately he landed in the puddle of Rat's evacuation, covering his fur in brown liquid, and sending him skidding into the fallen Rat and Turbo.

 

For a moment there was a blur of bodies as they tried to disengage from each other, then the panther raced away down to the nearest stream and they could hear it splashing in a desperate attempt to rid itself of that awful smell.

 

Although covered in the liquid, Turbo wondered why he had stopped gagging, and then realised he'd smelled this before when he'd stayed at the Rathaus Gentlemen's Motel in Wagga Wagga and walked over to reception.

 

He looked at the bedraggled rat and said "............

 

 

[Captain]

......... "Is this the smell of freedom, wealth and entrepreunership that is a feature of this band of rich soil that lies between Mextoria and f''Queen'sIsland."

 

"No mate" replied the loin-cloth clad hero of this sorry tale "I did what those seniors did up at the lookout, except that I had no dacks on. Where is the nearest panther free stream, and why did those Liar birds in your line 5 have your camera?"

 

"Get a new spell checker you dickhead" yelled Lawrence the Lyrebird (Who was a bit of an agressive bugger, but all his mates knew that he DID tell porkies, & he was also a bit of a rough-nut, so while his mum had christened him "Lawrence", his mates all called him Lorry) "And we didn't pinch it, we found that camera down the track a bit, & peeee-yooooooo, what's that pong, as it smells like someone crapped on a panther in a pineforest, while they ...............

 

 

[Captain]

...... left the Grampians and overnighted in the Barmah Forest on his way back to the freedom and idylic calm of Wagga X 2.

 

Having experienced the thrill of the hunt for the Panther, Ratsack donned his camo bandana and loin cloth again, although for this new outing he shortened it to a mini loin cloth where he though that the occasional glimpse might flush out the Riverina Lass or her Grandmother.

 

After dodging a few Mextorians that had crossed the Rio-Murray, Rato soon had his pot brimming with a delectable mix of Dunnarts, Tuans, 2 baby Koalas (twins), a pretty tough old Platipus and an Echidna.

 

That mix was soon stewing up next to the microwaved potatoes, but the 3 Mitchell's Hopping Mice that he had captured soon thought the water too hot and leapt out, buggered off, and were never to be seen again.

 

"You should have microwaved the little buggers" said Nobu, as he sat on a camp stool (not that there is anything wrong with that) slicing up a Lyre bird to use in the salad. "I ruv the outdoors" he added "And even more, I ruv the fact that ....................

 

 

[turboplanner]

".........that animal ruvver Turbo isn't around or he'd have us eating turnips instead of this derectible native diet which neary as good as Japanese law fish"

 

There was a whistling sound of a duck flying overhead and in one fluid motion Rat slipped out his gun nd knocked down the rare pink eared duck, one of only 24 left in the wild.

 

"We'll cook this for Turbo, tell him it's chicken" said Rat, and once e's eating it, Nobu, you get the IPHone, and I'll spread the feathers out behind him and we'll post a photo on Facebook. "That'll......

 

After the fatetul encounter with the Panther in the Grampians, Turbo had used an old trick he'd been told about by a cleaning lady in Parkes, ad bought three bottles of phenyl and filled the spa at his Portland Motel, which got rid of the rat smell, but certainly had heads turning at the local McDonalds. He was still on the Big Cat trail, and stopped off at Adam Lindsay Gordon's cottage at Port MacDonnell in South Australia, where the curator laughed and said, "it came from quite close by here and was sold to the Tantanola pub, here's a photo of it - it was a Siberian wolf which came off a hip and was shot by a farmer. The picture showed a dog like body, with mange."

 

Turbo was ashamed that the countrymen of his birth would be so stupid as to mistake a dog for a cat, but realised South Australians were still doing the same sort of thing today.

 

 

[Captain]

".........that animal ruvver Turbo isn't around or he'd have us eating turnips instead of this derectible native diet which neary as good as Japanese law fish"There was a whistling sound of a duck flying overhead and in one fluid motion Rat slipped out his gun nd knocked down the rare pink eared duck, one of only 24 left in the wild.

 

"We'll cook this for Turbo, tell him it's chicken" said Rat, and once e's eating it, Nobu, you get the IPHone, and I'll spread the feathers out behind him and we'll post a photo on Facebook. "That'll......

..... ensure that the other 23 don't step out of line."

 

"I suggest that they get some gleen texta's and colour their ears from pink to gleen, as the common gleen eared ducks are not endangered, and they are .................

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......dericious.

 

The Texta had become the scourge of mankind, responsible for the near extinction of many species including the Orange breasted parrot, textad brown and sold as quail, the yellow eared honeyeater, textad part black and sold as fascinators for Richmond football club supporters who usually plucked and ate them after they lost the game, and the white rhino, textad black and sold as mighty Angus beef. Turbo himself was guilty of touching up rhesus monkey haunches and selling them in Tasmania as Peking duck, but that's another story for.....