The Never Ending Story

[Guest Andys@coffs]

twas in effect the night before Christmas....when all through the NES not a creature was stirring...except a RAT.......Turdy was restless...We need a good stoush nothings happening and if no ones saying anything then I cant take an opposing view!

 

Ahlot the harlot was in real danger of being demoted from magnificent to merely present.....almost by himself......

 

Whilst pondering the depth of my hat I had a brilliant idea!! We haven't had an extraordinary meeting for a while, and looking at the draft financials its clear that we could do with a few more.....I think I'll go and stir......

 

 

[Captain]

..... the possum (of which Tubby has a few).

 

"Let's have an EGM to discuss the need for a SMS for the FTF's when the CFI will tell you to stick it UYA" said FiatBambino.

 

"You can't do that, so POQ you AH" replied the Vette, "Because AOPA, IACOCCA and ..........

 

 

[Bandit12]

....a rather attractive young man came up to him and said....

 

 

[Captain]

....a rather attractive young man came up to him and said....

..... "G'day, I am the Tubby Planter and I represent the ICKY-AO, CRASS'A, F'AA & F'YEZAll, where I, as a rather attractive young man often ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

...take time off from my busy schedule conversing with the OS (aviation term) on professional conduct to go out and strangle a few stray kittens.

 

His thought went back to the most astounding gaffe of the year when an obviously tired Rat suggested that since no one had heard anything the chaps must be on the job, leopard spots in the cupboard, forging ahead with cutting edge precision, and achieving remarkable results.

 

Turbo, whose amazing story about his trip into the wilds of Queensland looking for Rat's ancestry had been furLookther delayed by ASIO, and a new request by Prime Minister Rudd that we couldn't have THAT come out at the time of an election had nevertheless been researching diligently and had found that in 1426 an ancestor of his, Aldus Rattus had looked at the horizon and said "I can't see any further, so that proves the world is flat!"

 

"Look at your fly" said Pontius Arlotte "That proves.............."

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

you've got things arseabout ..... unless you down your fly to take a dump...no no said tubby I always try to take a dump before flying...that way im almost sh!tless before I can scare myself that way...Mrs Tubby doesn't have to threaten me with violence to my plonker...... And as we all know when talking SMS's there is a very high risk of excreta and propellers interacting in a most displeasing way, why just look at what Mr Ed did to........

 

 

[Captain]

you've got things arseabout ..... unless you down your fly to take a dump...no no said tubby I always try to take a dump before flying...that way im almost sh!tless before I can scare myself that way...Mrs Tubby doesn't have to threaten me with violence to my plonker...... And as we all know when talking SMS's there is a very high risk of excreta and propellers interacting in a most displeasing way, why just look at what Mr Ed did to........

...... Wilbur, aided by the jar of peanut butter (NTTIAWWT) that they also used to make Ed look like he was speaking. (The Moderati Magnificenti do stuff with Peanut Butter & a broomstick all the time when off in their private Moderati staff Forum, so it must feel OK).

 

"What Mr Ed did to Wilbur is similar to what the Tubby Plonker has been trying to do to the small Italian SportsCar" observed Salty "And I, for one, have been wondering how it would fit."

 

"Well" said Andy, who is an expert in such matters from his experience each time he squeezes into Coffs with a SAAB up his empennage, "What you do is ................

 

 

[turboplanner]

".....is...is...is...is...is....."

 

He had been Microsofted after years of IT work. "We should ERROR403" he added

 

The screen had unfortunately turned blue when Andy crapped, shat, and sat in his hat in excitement as the SAAB p[robed yet again. "I.........."

 

 

[Captain]

............ know that I mentioned back in post # 7801 that it was, effectively, the night before Xmas .............. well for those in the know, every night up here in Coffs is "the night before Xmas", particularly down at the "Green Oyster" which I franchised from Ahlow, where IT Guru's are kings (and sometimes Queens), ERROR403 is considered to be erotic, procurement is not a dirty word, we do some real creative stuff with our empennages and a SAAB is known locally as a ...........

 

 

[Captain]

...... European Corvette (particularly the 904S), and a .........

 

 

[Bandit12]

...good time can be had by all. That's not to say that a good time is always had with the Harlot, who is known for.....

 

 

[Captain]

...good time can be had by all. That's not to say that a good time is always had with the Harlot, who is known for.....

........ his proclivities for Andy, the Mayor of Coffs, multiple (but shallow) good-times at the Green and Blue Oysters and the odd snap-roll in his ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

........Hobbs Meter.

 

"I was Hobbs Champion in 1949" cried the Rat before he could stop himself. and looking around he very sneakily.........

 

 

[Captain]

........Hobbs Meter."I was Hobbs Champion in 1949" cried the Rat before he could stop himself. and looking around he very sneakily.........

.......... explained that while "Champion" might be too strong a term, Daryl Hobbs wife, Charmaine, thought that I was pretty good, and certainly good enough to come back for seconds, fifths and twentyninths."

 

"'49 was a pretty good year" agreed Ahlot the Harlot. "I'm a little bit citcelsyd and had just returned from the war with a VD and scar, but it wasn't until a fronted up to my 1st Anzac Day march that I realised that this wasn't the same as the one that Roden Cutler had been awarded."

 

"I was in my late teens that year" said Tubb " And I remember when the Bange-it-Holme boys went .............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

and got themselves citcelsyd'ed ....that really must be against the rules somewhere said Tubby.....who would have ever thought you could use a pineapple to do that???? and in any event why would you???? Tubby stood with that 1000ft stare...that those who had been to war and got a VD often have...as do those with dementia.....

 

Finally he said......

 

 

[Captain]

and got themselves citcelsyd'ed ....that really must be against the rules somewhere said Tubby.....who would have ever thought you could use a pineapple to do that???? and in any event why would you???? Tubby stood with that 1000ft stare...that those who had been to war and got a VD often have...as do those with dementia.....

Finally he said......

......... "That's the same stare that you get when your plane has been grounded for more than 3 months, after which that look turns to ..............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

a mirror whereupon he finally noticed that citcelsyd was really an backtafront and mangled lysdexia...Strewth though Andy, for a mo I didn't have a clue about the old rat....but now its all as clear as.......

 

 

[ahlocks]

.... a crystal goblet taken from Rat's Dishluxia. "That'll be the Finish" scorned Tubz, eager to show that he didn't just watch the ads on TV because the presenter has big boobs. "Rinses and shines" he added as he ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....explained that he'd been checking the credentials of a Candidate for the elections and found he was related to the Monster from the Swamps.

 

"That's nothing" said Salty, I always thought Ahlow had a Chinese appearance, and sure enough found his real name was Ahchoo and has also was related to TMFTS"

 

"He can never be a board member then" said Shathat "We cannot have that high office sullied by relationships."

 

"The Rat...." Turbo began, but faltered, and people could see he was descending into shock. What could it be he found in North Queensland, apart from Maggot, the noisy terrier, what could...........

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Tubby have done more, to grab the attention of the gentle reader as he once more spoke in veiled terms of the Rat's past....In fact so often had he raised Rats genealogy in veiled terms that the Demtel management were seriously considering ditching their current advertisers in favour of Tubbs........when it comes to polishing Turds no one was better at identifying a master than the Demtel management, after all before Demtel who would have considered how much fun one can have with a steam mop......in fact to go one step further who would have considered adding a kettle to a mop in the 1st place......"That's nothing said Tubbs, if one can have fun with a kettled mop then just wait to see what entertainment can be had when you add a microwave to a........"

 

 

[Captain]

Tubby have done more, to grab the attention of the gentle reader as he once more spoke in veiled terms of the Rat's past....In fact so often had he raised Rats genealogy in veiled terms that the Demtel management were seriously considering ditching their current advertisers in favour of Tubbs........when it comes to polishing Turds no one was better at identifying a master than the Demtel management, after all before Demtel who would have considered how much fun one can have with a steam mop......in fact to go one step further who would have considered adding a kettle to a mop in the 1st place......"That's nothing said Tubbs, if one can have fun with a kettled mop then just wait to see what entertainment can be had when you add a microwave to a........"

.... surfing contest. First you have the fun of chucking the microwave into the water while still plugged in (that is always a hoot to do on the dam at the farm, too, to give the ducks a bit of a thrill) but then at the surf contest you need to make tiny little surfers to be able to ride paddle pop sticks ..... so that they can ride the micro-waves."

 

But there was a problem, due to paddle pop sticks being in short supply and the futures price for that commodity had gone through the roof, because AhChoo & the 12 Incher had formed a consortium which had cornered the market in order to make ........

 

Ma Tante et mon Oncle are out in the garden doing stuff with a pencil & recovering from a night of hot action, et mon Aunt wants to assure all gentle readers that the Ratty gene pool is pure and clear, and he has nothing to hide nor fear from Turdy's investigations up in F'n Q (unless of course the Turdster can prove a carnal connection between Ratty and Butters Rudd). Ratpoo also wants to explain that the "mon Oncle" referred to in the foregoing is not really mon Oncle, he is just some bloke that my Auntie picked up at the grab-a-grandpa joint last night .............. but Ohhhhhhh, this is terrible ........... as it looks like mon Oncle has left his keys on the table in the jardin and they look like the keys from a SportSzara ...... oh non, & sacre-blue, could it be that ??????).

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

maxiprofit from microwaves........HANG ON yelled Ahlot, Im going to add a Microwave to my szara....I can then fly over the crowd out at Gumly Gumly and do that micro wave thing that the Queen does to her adoring subjects...Ive always wanted to be a queen (NTTIAWWT)said the magnificent moderati.....As well, I can do away with that cabin heat thingy that uses carbon monoxide.........The microwave will warm my cockles and other things as well........If only I could work out how to keep the prop spinning and the microwave microwaving at the same time.....Seems the rotaxen, while not filled with spare thrubolts was also not filled with Horse powers.........I want some more horsey's I mean what queen doesn't have a few horseys to ride........Wonder if I can afford a jabiruter.......

 

 

[turboplanner]

............page boy.

 

We need more governance like that said Peterdout. If we had a page boy in every State and then added a Chief page boy in Canberra, reporting to a Page who in turn reported to a Staffmaster who was rersponsible to a Crier who took orders from Speaker, the efficiency of our organization would be professional.

 

"If we........"

 

 

[Captain]

............page boy.We need more governance like that said Peterdout. If we had a page boy in every State and then added a Chief page boy in Canberra, reporting to a Page who in turn reported to a Staffmaster who was rersponsible to a Crier who took orders from Speaker, the efficiency of our organization would be professional.

 

"If we........"

...... could understand what Turdy was getting at, I'd volunteer to be his page boy (NTTIAWWT)" responded AhLox who already had the Prince Valiant haircut, but who was often too quick to pick up on a new idea for his own good. "But(t) (NTTIAWWT)" he added "Who will be the .............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....organ grinder.

 

Catshat had injected some doubt about Turbo's journal (currently seized by ASIO) in which he alludes to Ratface's ancestry, but Turbo can tell you that when King George III heard about Cookie's (That's what the aborigines called Captain James Cook) antics south of Cookietown (renamed Cooktown in an attempt to hide the "scandal", he declared in disgust "I henceforth name my territory north of New South Wales ######land [we can't have that language, Administrator] [We can, moderator 1] [You're one, moderator 2][in your boot, moderator 3][is it Monday?, moderator 4]

 

Queen Victoria later said "I can understand after that foul Captain's deed that the people should be punished, but it wears ones emotions to be faced by that word when signing laws, so lets call it Queensland. That will punish them enough, or those Queenslanders who can read at least, and we'll put a Captain's epaulette and a goat on their Coat of Arms."

 

"Well I........................"