The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

....

 

His glowing red finger went prying.

 

..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

But the springs were loose in the bed.

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Like....Wow....I never knew our moderati was a cross dresser by the name of Charlotte......and bags Not being one of the 3 who did unspeakable (NTTIAWWT) things with dirty implements!!!!(last bit,.... TISWWT!)

 

Hang on!!!! You made reference to a P!sspot and we all know that under the NES technical manual P!sspots must have registrations on the side and underneath in clearly defined fonts of certain size....Furthermore there must be a registration card afixed in the supplied plastic window.....We absolutely dont want an unidentified P!sspot anywhere on NES.......the P!sspot Technical Manager will have his balls removed if that were to come to pass and so photos of the appropriately adorned P!sspot have to be sent in to him.....Assuminging he's still there and hasnt, as per the 19th rehash of the latest wisper, been removed in favour of the guy who would be king....but for the NES bored who wont have a bar of him being King...or anyother employee position....

 

 

[Captain]

..... but we will nominate him to be barrel-boy at Ahlow's Blue Oyster Bay, which will save Ahlow doing double duty, part of which is to be an imitation disco ball by holding up his glowing finger and ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

....stroking his slimy grey skin, and.....

 

 

[Captain]

.... that reminded him of that special Saturday lie-in when Goldie-Lox was .............

 

 

[Captain]

..... more grey and slimy than usual, all because .........

 

 

[Bryon]

..... more grey and slimy than usual, all because .........

.........of that run in at the BoB with.......

 

 

[turboplanner]

Constable Doubtfire.

 

It was all because Constable Doubtfire hadn't given the secret signal which says "I'm Constable or I'm a fairy fiary" (full details will be posted on the members portal in a month or so)

 

Lox had made the move and.......

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

was waiting for someone to notice, but as a result of concern over security the members portal now required a 70 character password of upper, lower, special and numbers. No words were allowed and a left one was required for each and every login..........While we were now well protected against identity theft of our RAAus membership it seemed that a few members were having trouble loging in, and the problems were obvious difficult to interpret because there didn't seem to be any logs generated....... Loxy meanwhile......

 

 

[FlyingVizsla]

Loxy meanwhile...... author of this new unpickable key to the Members Only Portal was polishing up his collection of lock picks while filling in his Skills Register.

 

 

I can offer Password resets - send $20 for free receipt ...

 

 

[Captain]

But then the problem was found.

 

The birthday date settings didn't go back far enough to cater for GrampsLox, Grey Rattus and the TurbidPensioner.

 

"We never thunk that we would need dates back around the Boar War" said the Site Admin Type "Although it was certainly well known that they are all pretty boaring."

 

Then Tubby notices the FlyingVisitor's phrase "Skills Register" and aksed "What does that 1st word mean ... and turned his head to the side like Sue's dog?"

 

"I know" said Andy as he again logged into his hat ....... while wearing a noise cancelling headset.

 

"Put them over your ears" cried the BeercanFlyer "They are supposed to be worn sideways, not back to front".

 

"Ah ...... and don't tell anyone" said Andy "I wondered why it was so noisy and there was nobody on the radio, but these manufacturers are dickheads, as why is there a microphone at the back of my neck? What good is that? Ah, I see, it's because .............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

its very sensitive and can pick up the heavy breathing, or the sound of Vaseline being applied when someone sneaks from the rear with a pineapple in hand..........Keith A6 page...A4 just is beyond him.....was busy plotting ways to apply a sideways pineapple to Andy....."Lets see what that does to your hat!......

 

He hadn't yet applied the pineapple......the sensitive mike was excess to requirements in Keiths case...the sound of a small single cog spinning at high speed in an empty skull was able to be heard in a similar manner to a an air raid siren......Strewth!! yelled Rat....is that cogs suppose to spin that fast..........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"....and make that much noise?"

 

But Keith had got the information from the horses mouth, and knew the true story, and there was a "shlumff" as the pineapple slammed home in an unexpected way which....

 

 

[Captain]

... was very telling, and interesting ........... as Keith had "slammed it home" using himself as a guineapig (or DingyPig as one of my GrandAnkleBiters calls them ..... which is very apt in this case).

 

"Owwwww, that hurts and it's actually much worse than a paper-cut" said Keith A6, the pilot's & forumite's friend "But I just wanted to make sure how much it stings, before I use it on AndyFromCoughs. Ed and Kilometres both told me that it would tickle a bit, so I knew that would be true as I always get the exclusive behind (it still hurts) the scenes truth that the rest of the members never get, ....... then Endo and E. Paul Ette mentioned that those barbs would make it hard for Andy to get out, but it now appears that nobody at Exec level has given me all the info, as it is certainly hard to remove and I'm starting to chafe (a bit like I do to others when I pipe up on the forum). I'll phone Townsville and see if Steve knows how to ...................

 

 

[turboplanner]

....diplomatically get out of this one.

 

"Hello old chap" said Keith with Biggles like cameraderie (comradery)

 

"***^&%$##$##$" was the reply "%$%$#$#$ and get.............."

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

"Your head out of the "***^&%$##$##$" pushmepullme's butt.....Your supposed to get it from the horses mouth.....not from the horses recycling repository........"!

 

There was a silence, other than the sound of that infernal cog, as Keith struggled to make sense of that entirely complex sentence that contained 1 thought......

 

"Its so hard said Myles of Keith.....to tell the difference around here......there seems to be processed horse food coming from both directions...."!

 

"Well you "***^&%$##$##$" and your "***^&%$##$##$" mates and their "***^&%$##$##$" BBQ are as dumb as a "***^&%$##$##$" fence post" said Steve before slamming the phone down and going back to his anger management classes.

 

That went well said Keith of Myles....Steve was positively polite today, those anger management classes must be working!.....Shame that its no clearer what I have to do.......must be just me but there didn't seem to be any actual advice in that call that I could use....No wonder he was leader of that stellar performing exec!

 

Maybe I'll just have to go to A&E and explain that I was gardening, tripped and Tada! Pineapple where the sun don't shine....please get it Out!!!.......The sound of the cog slowly dwindled as he made his way further North to the F'n QLD hospital which had been transformed under the new QLD government to a help yourself facility, no staff on site hospital since the HR system upgrade hadn't gone so well, paying the entire years labour costs of the entire health system to the the project PM who was better known as the "sheik of scrubby creek", or EPaul the Poobah back then but was now just known as the Floggo from Boggo........

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....and so on and so on.

 

There was a rumbling sound, and the ground began to shake. Could it be a Tsunami (soonarmy)?

 

Ten thousand hats flew past heading for the mountains.

 

To regular NES members (more information on the NES members forum where tales are told which rival those of Robert Louis Wilkinson), these were ominous signs that there wasn't going to be a leak this time;it would be the full service, and.................

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Turddy was in trouble in the mass migration for higher ground...he wasn't moving quite as freely as the rest of the nimble NESers whose average age was closer to the illusive cricket ton than 20....seems that in a fit of piqué he had verbally poked the KAzza monsta just that one time too many and she flailed him with her lawyerly tongue.. "Damn!" said Tubbsy "those legal tongues are like double sided scalpels, they cut deep and heal very slowly!!" as he moved carefully up the hill.......we weren't sure if he was escaping the soon army, the Kazza Monsta or just looking for a fatherly chat with the Oracle at the top on how best to Better the KAzza Monsta in Round 39 without disclosing anything at all........"Use the force Turdy...." he heard in his mind...."What "***^&%$##$##$" force? he cried...... "The political force......"..."Whats that?..."..... "where have you been man!!!! you know Bluff Bluster and Bullsh!t and repeat ad-nauseum!!!" " WTF is ad-nauseum??" He asked "You Know...where you pay for advertising until your bank balance is very very sick!!!!"

 

Oh....I don't have one of those........

 

 

[Captain]

Curses, beaten to the punch by the Shatter, so edited to suit.............

 

.......... but once Keith got over his embarrassment he decided to head to the hospital for the PRP (Pineapple Removal Procedure).

 

And once examined by the Doc, who couldn't stop sniggering, Keith noticed that his medical card was marked NFR.

 

"I've come in here for a PRP" he said to the nurse "Yet the Doc has marked me down as NFR. I've vaguely heard about VFR, but what is the meaning of NFR?" he added (This was a major admission by the A5, seeing that he has inside information about most matters).

 

The nurse turned to him and gave a sad and resigned smile. "NFR means "Normal for Rocky" she said and pointed to the line of F'n Q members outside of Casualty "They are all here for PRP's" she added "So get on the end of the que and we'll ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"Have the p extracted and shipped to the southern markets - the mexicans eat them"

 

He heard a whining and looked over, recognising Harriet who had a protruding pineapple and was waiting for a PPRP.

 

"Jab basher ay" she yelled out, poor thing,.......

 

"

 

 

[Captain]

...... "I don't need just a jab before my PRP or PPRP. I need an epidural, same like AndyWhoopingCoughs gets when he ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......doesn't get his proxies, and Major Bumsore hasn't had his weeties in the morning, and............

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

.....and the other major is out flying with young female majors, and then flying Kermies Sopwith Snipe with Kermie cam........oh it's just all too bloody confusing, give me another swig of that Cherry brandy, the old' Bently rotary was sure throwing some castor oil that flight !....................Andy scratched his arxx and muttered...that bloody Jab flyin Keith...why he...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....couldn't do a leak down test if his life depended on it whereas.......