The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

.......... and then the penny dropped, as Madge was of Dutch descent and had received all of his schooling (so it wasn't very long) in the Ovens Region of Mexico.

 

And then Madge started to compose a new section of the Sub-Human Factors Testi Book, on the dangers of long distance flight when furts are anticipated.

 

As a result, all RAA fuel tanks will hereafter be limited to 35 litres (defined as the optimum furt cooking period) and the S-HFC syllabus will include sections on the dangers of Baked Beans, matches, silent-but-deadlies, seat cushion combustibility and the almost lethal dangers of enclosed cockpits (particularly when combined with big sniffs).

 

"What a great idea" yelled some rag-&-tube ratbag "This is how we'll force everyone back to the good old days, flying drifters below 300 ft, furting to our heart's content and .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

"....navergaten (sp) by the number of sheep in the paddock"

 

The R&TR furted, as they do, and then said ".................."

 

 

[Captain]

...... furt me, there are more sheep there than I was expecting, so now what do I do, bring the sheep to the map or do I take the map to the sheep?"

 

"Now, that's another HF issue for some mug to write a chapter and some cryptic questions about, as sheep and maps don't mix because ...............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

snatching a sheep on a low pass while not pranging is a real challenge for a R&TR expert let alone us infrequent fliers.... And where its a tractor aircraft there is a tendency when the aircraft is just at the right height for a quick jolly jumbuck snatch and grab to shear the back of the sheep just where you thought you were going to put your Velcro gloves...... If you are a bit low....well needless to say there's a lot of furting going on!

 

So given how hard all that is for a R&TR to get right what hope for youse guys in that shiny gofasta costalota machine that causes us to slobba uncontrollably when ever we see one...how are youse going get the right amount of sheep hey?......

 

Turbs...who generally was not lost for words did take a moment to try and make the appropriate logical connections with all those ideas....but was clearly struggling...the mouth was warmed up and moving in preparation of speech......but the general stunned look suggested that it might be a moment until something sensible came out.....

 

 

[Captain]

so situation normal, just pass on by, nothing to see here ................ and nothing to worry about, so the horde of NES readers (all reminiscent of the bar scene in Star Wars) just waited ........... and waited .......... then our beloved Turdo sprang to his feet and said ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

...........the probability of the subscription going up yet again is: furt=MC2, and the gallery nodded in agreement.

 

"We don't want those FAST ones" said Slobber, who was right up with the discussion.

 

"What do you want then, you fly one" replied Hatshat "Er, ar........................."

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

"I think we need for our entire registration cost base to be met 100% by those that have a HP endorsement......Us poor LP endorsed pilots can barely feed ourselves and need some aviation focused social security......." Slobber and his mates agreed loudly as they drank their expensive beer and smoked their next meal......

 

emboldened by the almost universal support....of his 3 mates he further suggested:-

 

"I mean HP....really??? isn't that a contradiction in RozAus? We haven't done performance at all let alone high performance....." 2 of the 3 of slobbers mates nodded unconvincingly in agreement..... sort of...while the 3rd had collapsed in a pool of vomit caused by too much drink and too few meals.......

 

Slobber was about to add some more......but realized that his weekly quota of ideas had been fully used up and he was already half way through next weeks as well.......

 

ElRato was unimpressed and suggested that the chances of performance increasing didn't look that great with the brains trust available to RozAus and started looking towards the CASAmonsta Sandpit..."I wonder.......

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

if I might get one of those Real Pilots License (RPL) so that I can fly instead of just talking about it.........I note that moderatorum magnificenzia harlotium (non scientific name prickly pair pear)has placed the beer can for sale as he joins the exiting throng....If I had an RPL and the szara and a Rotaxen muffler material replacing welder well...... then the oyster is my world! and......

 

 

[Captain]

...... I have a pearl stuck where the sun doesn't shine."

 

"But where stuck is it" said bull-from,.*-bone "As you are one of the Magnifficenti Moderatti and the sun always radiates from your .................

 

 

[turboplanner]

...crack ed exhaust pipe, surrounded by glittering rivets.

 

Turbo's research team as usual, had found the reason for the beercan sale.

 

Turbo has photos of the top secret, magnificent Loxervagen under construction, showing a skilled team of technicians installing equipment not yet seen in the Pentagon.

 

"I can charge $295.00 to got out to the Wagga Wagga South Feraltown Shopping Centre to unlock a car, but it was such a drudge putting down my latte, so the new Loxervagen has a Greentooth (C 2013) system where I can zap a Commodore in Feraltown, freeing the locks and bra straps of the owner at the same time" he told CNN.

 

"I knew his teeth were green, so the name was no surprise" said Turbo, but the cost of the Loxervagen has blown out to over a million, according to his bank manager, and the beercan has to go. It was on its last rivet."

 

" Another feature is a row of lock holes along the side where.............."

 

 

[turboplanner]

http://www.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hdPtwQ_zANI/UUuI9L0lf0I/AAAAAAAAADs/x4IEIqvyee0/s1600/turbo-movie.jpg&imgrefurl=http://teaser-trailer.com/movie/turbo/&h=652&w=980&sz=156&tbnid=NQSoTJLjPH4y1M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=135&zoom=1&usg=

[Guest Andys@coffs]

The rest of the NES team where interested in how turdy came to find a future childrens movie about a high speed snail, a contradiction in name like the poster himself.

 

Was tubs looking to update from the tried and (apparently) true pocket full of lollies? Or was he looking for a feel good story that shows goodies triumphing over reality, not that there is much of that here on NES nor Goodies that it can apply to.

 

Or was Tubs in a controlled way introducing the gentle reader to the concept that while fast and furious of keyboarding skills he was still a sluggard at heart?

 

All these questions while...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

....Turbo raked in the cash; soon he would have enough for a Lear Jet, and his own Pilot.....with four epaulettes...and he wouldn't have to work out flight plans, or navigate. He could just get up from reading the Financial Times and say "My Aircraft" and do wing overs and beat ups and things - all the things recommended by the bigasses.

 

Andy, who'd been engrossed in engine technology for a few months, and was now one of the world experts in leak downs arising from pistons and liners which [deleted by Harriet], so had missed the fine detail of Turbo's fine career.

 

Turbo had never said he was human - look at the old posts (or post "what did you say?" like the other lazy cods)

 

He had featured in the British TV series "Misleading Cases" where he was branded as an "Animae Ferocae" after repeatedly biting the lead actor, and yes, he had to admit he was a sluggard at that stage.

 

But then he found KY Jelly, and was able to lay his own trails. He went into Advertising and it was Turbo who coined the saying "KY gives you wheels!", and others, noting where Turbo had been came up with the "snail trail" description.

 

It was a feelgood story too, because one day when Turbo was sliding along Santa Monica pier he saw a little old lady pushing a pram misjudge and fall into the water. Turbo hot the KY out, then streaked along the Pier, landing on the water with such ski speed that he was able to execute a 180 and crash into the old lady, whose name had been Madge in younger days, but had been shortened to MA.

 

Not many people, except Einstein know that snails have an abnormally high intertia, and Turbo imparted enough energy into Ma that she skated in to the shore.

 

As a crowd gathered round, Ma, congratulating her for a magnificent swim, she said "I couldn't have done it without Turbo" and bought him a sno cone to lick.

 

Now you might be saying, that's not a feelgood story - the baby drowned, and I'm afraid readers these things don't always end well.

 

However Ma never lost a dollar in her life, and her purse was in the pram. She clung on to the handle of the pram so tightly that she dragged to shore, and it was only wrenched out of her hands when she hit the beach. The baby and the purse flew high into the air and landed in the arms of a lifeguard.

 

The story did have an unsavoury aftermath when, as soon as the newspaper photos were taken, Ma ran up the beach, kicked the lifesaver in the balls, grabbed her purse and bought a one way ticket to Townsville, where she had a sex changes and.......

 

 

[Captain]

..... and developed a "Phillipino Fetish".

 

........ inertia, ......

"He never touched me" claimed Ertia, who was a hot chick from Czechoslovakia, whose dad had been a leading hand at the Szara factory and had done the final inspection on the Locky's machine "Although I did see Tinky Wink doing some weird stuff with that tube of KY, while inverted up in the S-KY (avref)." she added hastily.

 

Then Ertia's dad piped up and advised "We left those rivets out as the plane was initially due to go to South America and the buyer wanted it to sound like an Inca flute when it flew over, a bit like the Pipes of Pan, but the order was mixed up when we received a pile of cash from Australia from some other Pan............

 

 

[turboplanner]

........."Not understand" said Nobu ........................."Aaah, Flying Pan, now I understand Ahlot face look exacery like Pan front on, come from too many times face first into fences, where Feiry not allowed to enter if gate rocked and........."

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

He hit it time after time hard enough that the fence gate rocked and his face started to take on that British bulldog look, all the while Constable Doubtfire was heard to sing from the other side of the gate "I hear you knocking, but you cant come ......" for the fairy feiry had forgotten the secret password and GetMeLox off whose blood was Russian around in a passion wasn't of a mind to employ the Loxervagen on the gate lock when he could likely sweet talk the loverly constable.....

 

Personally that was as likely to occur as sweet talking one of those angry Taipan snakes in F'nQ that the minor major likes to play with.... "talking to Taipans is no harder than talking to the RozAus board...Why Endo is well known for his ability to consult widely and his need to consider others points of view......"

 

Fark Me said the local crow, Id vote for major, talking to a taipan is a clever thing and in any event if I get it wrong and he's the wrong guy for the job I suspect the need for another by-election might come up sooner than later.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

"ATTACK!" cried Shibuyi, interrupting the flow of the NES politics. The Cowra group had been trained for 60 years to break out when they heard the call of the crow with "Me" added on to the end.

 

"Australians will still think crow calling, but we know different, and ........................."

 

 

[Captain]

...... we can capture Darwin rike we tlied to 70 years ago, then we can go home in tliumph."

 

"Hang on there old mate" said Aki who had become a Dinki Di Aussie over the years of sneaking out of his plison cerr & attending B&S Balls in Cowla to clack onto the local windrife. "I rike it in Cowla as there are no earthclakes, no tsunamis, no nucrear leactors, no puffer fish, no harry (or carry), none of that bloody kamikaze nonsense, and no ..........

 

 

[turboplanner]

........fleezing Snow.

 

In fact Darwin WAS captured in WW2, but the government and ASIO created such a perfect cover up that most Australians have no idea. The 43 days before Lorry and the boys from Avanother Station came in with shotguns and took it back were a nightmare for the two thousand apathetic residents who had been warned time and time again that this would happen. They were forced to bow whenever they saw a Japanese officer, and because they were all so apathetic, no one had collected any photos of Japanese uniform ranks, so they had to bow to everyone, looking like a mob of feeding emus.

 

Although there had been ample warnings, Lofty had put it about Darwin that the people giving the warnings should shut up and let the government get on with the job, Bluey had covered all the pubs telling everyone the way to fix it was to change the government process to match the modern companies like Kiwi shoe polish, Aeroplane Jelly and Goldborough Mort.

 

Shorty had walked Darwin in his pyjamas telling everyone it would never happen, and Nobby had just kept on saying it was all bullsh$t, and they should support the government.

 

And so they marched apathetically towards their destiny with Nippon and the rising sun.

 

In the 43 days, Archie was ceremonially beheaded because he refused to peel spuds for the officers, 36 wharf labourers began working for the first time in their lives, and Snowy learnt how to set the valve clearances on a Toyota. None of the women were harmed, and if you've seen historic photos, you'll understand why, and the buses have never run to such a timely schedule since.

 

On the 43rd day shorty only took about ten minutes to regain the City, mainly because only four Japanese had landed - they were survivors of a seaplane ditching, where.....

 

 

[Captain]

...... the exhaust had cracked.

 

"Geeeez" said Acki "The Skippy Gov't and ASIO did such a great job, as mentioned by TurdBro, that even the Empelor didn't know that we had captured it, and given that Darwin was then the centre of known culture in the western world (since overtaken by Bone ........ or possibly Montpelier ...... or maybe Coughs&SpitsHarbour), if'n they had known they would have stopped our imperial expansion plans there and then and .............

 

 

[turboplanner]

....we wouldn't have won the War [Ed: See Camera Sales and Toyota Market Ratio].

 

The slippery skill of the government in hiding this fact. sped round the world at the time ("#$##" said Churchill, why didn't the Poles think of that, and eventually reached our great and powerful friends in Disneyland.

 

Not many people now this, but within minutes of President Kennedy being assassinated, Lyndon Johnson was on the phone to Harold Holt to find out the fine details of how to cover up, and the solution was used in Dallas with the slight variation that since they couldn't say it didn't happen, they got a volunteer from the CIA (proof of payroll number found) to agree to be a patsy on the grounds that his future was uncertain otherwise, and it stuck, even though the rifle found by three police was a Mauser, and the one he'd bought mail order was a Mannlicher Cacaro which was about 5 degrees off sight, but that was fixed later when the Mannlicher was found together with 3 spent Mannlicher shells, by a million to one chance ejected to land on the floor neatly side by side, no fingerprints were found, and there was no GSR (gun shot residue) on patsy. It did take a little to settle the ferals down who found that patsy's feat of firing three shots solo was not practical, that there was evidence of at least two other bullets, and 147 accidental deaths of various witnesses later, all was quiet. (this explains the disappearance of Harold Holt after he had given away the Darwin secret).

 

Not surprisingly no one is too keen to talk about the Darwin solution these days, and the Japanese involved were all given Car franchises to........

 

 

[Captain]

..... allow them to live the life of Lirey, in the manner to which they became accustomed at Cowla.

 

"But where's mine" asked Aki who was stuck with a flanchise for Gleat Warr and one motorcycle brand. "When I said that we wanted to go home in tliumph, I didn't mean go home on a Tliumph" he added.

 

"Halold Hort was a gleat mate of mine, before he went for the closs channel swim to Dunedin" said Nobu "But wolly not, as he is perfectry happy riving with 6 nubile kiwi backpackers down near Milford Sound (one of which looks like that ugly American sheila who ran the joint in Top of the Lake), and because there are sux of thum it means that he can have uvery Thursday to rest, a bit like the 12 incher and ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......Ul Lockadoor, who has every third Saturday off whether he needs it or not".

 

"Why are you jutting your chin out and bulging your eyes like that Yoshibo?" asked Nobu testily, "You look stupid"

 

"I preparing for return to Nippon" said Yoshi, "bought CD by famous British social icon Mr Bean to rarn how to look diffelent to other 20 million people in Tokyo who all look inscrutible."

 

"Well, they all scrutible now", said Nobu "Rong pink hair, Olange hair, Yerrow dyed skin, qand no tiny lound grasses, or ....."

 

 

[Captain]

......... numerous body piercings."

 

"That's not scrutible, that look is more like "scrotible"" replied the Nob.

 

"I not get a piercing there" answered Aki with a wince and his knees together.

 

"I've had mine pierced" interjected Brine "I'd had a few scotches at the time, was feeling game, they had descended (avref) by the time I was about 25 and I thought that I would ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"....look better with a 3/8 bolt through my ear like all the other residents of Dandenong, and a scrotum pole, which looks like a................................."