The Never Ending Story

[Guest Andys@coffs]

He asked andy about the apparatus...

 

"Well i have this hose in the plane that can be poked out the door and into the slipstream when needed. On the other end it has a funnel that can be used for a few different things........."

 

Uh oh thought Salty im not sure i want to ask........." And what are they....."

 

Firstly the hose can be used to vacuum up any pesky bush flies that felt the need to go flying with you whether welcome or not.

 

Secondly there is the vomit issue, however rule of thumb is that you chew everything really well before swallowing, before flying, if you need to ditch overboard chunks are a problem unless you can cut off vomy midstream........ Also you need the vacuum to be strong enough to suck it faster than you can produce it...if you fly thrusters then a 6inch downpipe is about the right diameter hose....for the faster plastic an inch will do fine. Hose selection is important......" Your telling me!" Said Mavis..... Too small and you might have an ugly post vomy cleanup vacuum to do.....Oh yeah....try not to let your lips touch the apparatus in any way.....

 

And thirdly, if caught short and your need to pass water exceeds your ability to land then it can be used as a p!ssaphone. However as previously said hose selection is important. Too fast, too strong a vacuum and your ability to disengage at the end might be problematic... But only for plastic drivers, thrusters with 6inch downpipe will logically unless anatomically abnormal, have trouble touching the sides.... For plastic drivers, should you find yourself stuck in an unfriendly funnel the rules are slow down, and descend rapidly lest you end up with frostbite!

 

Salty said.....

 

 

[Captain]

.......... "And I guess that the hose can also be used like Don Bradman did with the stump, to bat away assorted pieces of engine to stop them hitting your elevator on their way out."

 

Andy was a little miffed (NTTIAWWT) at this, having spent a lot of his hard-earned on getting the thing back together again.

 

"Sorry chaps & chapettes, but I need to jump in here" said Madge "As now that I am a board Board Member I need to take Turdbro to task with regard to his post # 8250 and his mention & support of "spinifex". As a f'n Q superstar and high level board Board Member I need to make it perfectly clear to new RAA Members that it is illegal to investigate Spin-effects, in fact any type of spin training is specifically excluded, so make sure that you ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"...don't do what I do all the time because I know how top handle it and you...."

 

 

[Captain]

"...don't do what I do all the time because I know how to handle it and you...."

.... , Andy, will just stay a little miffed.

 

"Wow & goodness me" reflected Ratty who had spent some time with AndySh@ at the EGM earlier this year, and the penny had finally dropped when he realised that Andy WAS a little miffed. It was the spelling that threw your beloved Rat, as on reflection AndySh@ and Myf Warhurst may be one and the same. "Just have a look at the attached photo" said ElRatpoo "And tell me that he isn't a little Myf" ..................

 

 

Now compare the above photo with the latest one of Andy after he finally had a successful leak-down test and lost a little of his puppy fat.

 

 

"Geez Andy, what a magnificent chest. What are you doing Saturday night?" asked AhLow (NTTIAWWT).

 

"Andy was coy and replied "................

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......hormones, it's amazing what a bottle of Romanian Horse Hormones csn do when combined with a bottle of black Loreal, and.."

 

 

[Captain]

......... a sparkly low cut little number, but as per the RAA Ops Manual about wearing evening dresses in aircraft (Ahlow's version falls open at that page automatically), you must be careful as one of those sparklers in the controls of the 230 (or the Beer Can) and it will be ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

........up and down all the way to the airport, where....

 

 

[Captain]

... the CASA inspector is wearing a silver see-thru little item with a Sonia McMahon type slit that went right up to his......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....digital display and anti skid brake system and.....

 

 

[Captain]

.... an anti-skid braking system that often caused skidmarks in his .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......eductor system, causing red lights to come on, and sprinklers to......

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

shoot poor attempts of a firetruck welcome for a new aircraft type at an airport.......after all what better way to welcome a new aircraft that to try and put out the kero burners that made them move.....the CASA guys had kero burners and many a pilot schemed for a way to put out their burner as well...but a tidly sprinkler wasn't going to do it, however......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....along came the mighty Madge. Nodding to this fan, nodding to that, and giving the finger to the golden rodent. He simply turned his back in from to the nearest kero burner and...........

 

 

[Guest just Mal]

pulling on his very expensive Bose noise cancelling headphones and shouted these kero burners are more reliable than.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

"Rotarasses!" and then showed us his exhaust which exploded wit a crackling sound which scared the birds from the trees.

 

"Not only have they forced him to sign a secrecy agreement" said Turbo "They've given him truth serum!"

 

Ahlot had been rather quiet since he had been outed as an old Go Go tart, but............

 

 

[Captain]

...... all contributors to the NES, and even our newest member TAAjmahal, know that when the hAhlot is quiet he is actually at his most deviously deadly dangerous, like a brown snake (of which there are shiploads around here this season) sneaking up on a mouse, he has .............

 

 

[turboplanner]

...even been seen drilling holes in the Gumley Gumley Zither Band Hall to take mini cameras in a grid pattern, linked to an IPhone mounted in the dash of the Loxenvagen, with a big red kill button, following an awkward moment when Constable Doubtfire stopped him merely to find out............

 

 

[Captain]

.......... why he had replaced one of the NSWPS buttons of her police blouse with a camera in the shape of a button, the last time they had a tryst by the banks of the beautiful Wagga Lagoon, just down from the Maison de Fire.

 

"How did you know?" he asked innocently.

 

"It was the water proof GoPro case" she replied "And the ................

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......gum boots."

 

"WHAT gum boots?" asked ahlot suspiciously.

 

"You know" she said, you had them on when we played " the monster from the lagoon blindfold"

 

"That wasn't me....." He started to say but....

 

 

[Captain]

..... just at that very moment, the lagoon began to stir, bubbles started to show on the surface, a strange rumbling sound was heard (even as far as Cough's Harbour & the Adelaide Hills, so both Andy & the TAAjmahal did a spoonfull), the surface was distorted and out of the mire started to arise a figure so deformed, malnourished and terrible as to strike fear into the bravest of NES readers, occasional contributors and assorted hangers-on, for it was ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......bull-from-bone.

 

"Ya-bastards- ay!" he yelled "why-were-ya-picking-on-my-dashes-when-you-can't-even-spell-the-National-Anthem?!!!"

 

"Why would you want to spell that?" asked Turbo on behalf of the bastards who picked on his mate, so as to have some fresh ammunition.

 

"Er, ar,er................."

 

 

[Captain]

...... he stuttered.

 

"Come on man, spit it out" replied the AhLot without too much sympathy "What are you trying to say? Is it erectile dysfunction? You want to eradicate the TurdBro? You want to be an eremite? You want to have a feel of Nanna's ermine? COME ON WHAT IS IT? (he yelled).

 

"Fair-suck*of#the%sauce~bottle-HarLot" replied bull-from-boner "All-I-was-really-wanting-to-say-was-er-ar-er, ah, er ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

......and then he spat it out.

 

Everyone was shocked, especially Madge, who'd signed a confidential agreement with his new friends, and wasn't able to yell a warning before.......

 

 

[Captain]

...... it hit the fan (AvRef).

 

Then the highly qualified BaristaRat took a close look at Madge's Confidentiality Agreement (or Conf.Ag. as it is known in the wigged or comb-over rarefied air of Ratty's Barista friends).

 

"Hey everyone" said Ratpoo "In true f'n Q tradition, this Conf.Ag has the word "Steve" crossed out at the bottom and the word "Madge" substituted in red crayon, so does that mean that our beloved Madge Jayco is just a reincarnation of ..............

 

 

[Captain]

Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé .....Exposé ..... Exposé ..... Exposé

 

As a service to NES readers and contributors, ElRatty the Exposér is pleased to submit the following highly confidential information that relates to two of our most esteemed, yet suspect, members and I leave the following for all readers to evaluate ............ on a without prejudice basis, ipso facto the ins and outs of a duck's bum.

 

1 The following is a secret photo of the unapproved mods that AndySh@onthegroundatCoughs has done to the 3300 in his 230. Not a thru-bolt to be seen (so similar to his original engine before the last rebuild).

 

The only good thing to come from this, in your ReporterRat's opinion, is that the amount of polishing that he will have to do to the barrels will stop him from polishing his own quite so often.

 

Also, as a Ratsposé exclusive, the new lightweight seats for his 230 are also shown.

 

 

2 The TurdBro was snapped last Saturday at Moor-a-bin while about to take EAA for a spin up to f'n Q and back.

 

This proves that Turdy is, indeed, a man of steel, yet without too much substance.

 

 

Here endeth the Exposé.