The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

In Turbo's defence he points out there is not an epaulette to be seen, and he would never be seen in a one piece suit, which from memory the likes of Sher and Liza Minelli used to wear.

 

He also thinks Andy has done a wonderful job on the engine, which looks topping and ready to go.

 

 

[Captain]

In the Turdster's defence he points out there is not an epaulette to be seen, and ........

And there, dear reader, is where the Tubby Plonker is not telling you the whole truth. (He would have made an excellent RAA Board member around 2010).

 

Because the Private RatEye has investigated this matter and he knows it to be true that TurdBro owns a set of ePaulettes identical to those shown in the below photo, which he often wears at the Blue Oyster Bar (BOB) to impress AhLot (NTTIAWWT) and for which Tubb has had a set of tiny sequined press-studs sewn onto the uniform. (The TurdyTatts can also be seen in that photo). He can therefore attach these epaulettes in about 5 seconds as he leaves the street and heads down the dingy stairs into the depth of depravity and filth that is the BOB. (The press-studs are similar to those that Turdy also had added to the mauve camisole (see pic of Turdy below wearing that item (great wig and implants, eh?)) that he carries in the bottom of his flight bag and which he uses to attach his name and number during ladies night at the Blue Oyster.)

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo reluctantly advises that he does have two, and they are both well stacked blondes without the gut, and.....

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

....Madge fiddled nervously with his Ozrunways buttons as he expertly navigated his way around the significant cloud on his way back to Montypalleir, After spending yet another social night with the huge python at Heathrows 'bat cave'......ah shxx! Not another bloody email from the board/ mark c/ Tatlock/Zane Tully/Red herring/Rod Zbirrell/Sian Rees /mickle apes/trev bange/ dex burkill/ siam again/or bloody tony king for the tenth time ! Don't they know I only have 64 gigs of data on this thing!..............ah now it's the bloody phone ringing, some bloody porridge -slurping mothers boy NQ member wants to know why his instructor hasn't let him solo yet....Christ ..do they think I became boardie just to listed to their piddly whinging !...doesnt he know who he's bloody talking to ?!!#*% .....no it was to attract more pretty girls and wife's of fellow pilots...hell, isn't that the way it's done in aviation....and I don't even wear bloody epilepsy epilets, like some pilots down tasty way....why as soon as I land I'm giving the real Major bumsore a call and he can............................

 

 

[Captain]

............ get that red crayon back and use the tipex on the Conf. Ag. to delete "Madge" and write "Steve" back in, using his typical X.

 

However Madge had finally hit on the big advantage of being a Board Member. "You get hold of the membership list and you look at where all the fine unturbulent weather will be next weekend, then you head around to the member's houses in that region while they are out flying and you apply your f'n Q charm and boyish good looks to the bored wives and partners (NTTIAWWT) who are at home looking for company." he said is a paper that he delivered to the Institute of Company Directors.

 

During the 2014 Natfly weekend Madge plans to make a real pig of himself, and so far his record in a weekend is ......................

 

 

[Bandit12]

....3 rounds with Tubby and 3 rounds with a rather tubby looking.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...two CWA members and seven calves.

 

Although Madge signed Conf Ag to tell the members nothing, the understandable little spit he had in the post before the Rat's brilliant piece of humour, shows just how well oiled the machine has become, when within weeks of being elected he is not only cutting himself off from members but apparently from the other board members themselves, although he could mail back autographed pages neatly cut from Woman's Day to answer questions from the NQ members because they can't read anyway.

 

Geez, I'd hate to be called a porridge slurping mother's boy by Madge, curled lip and all; all he was doing was asking a question, and there's an old saying "there is no such thing as a stupid question" [Ed: this will have to be rewritten after threads containing two of the most stupid questions in the history of flying have caused havoc with the moderators]

 

I reviewing Madge's post it seems like a plaintiff cry for help of a baby plover, and perhaps we should reconstitute that famous team which helped DitDot fly an R22 backwards to the Antarctic where......

 

 

[turboplanner]

Gee did it take me 37 minutes to write that B12?

 

 

[Captain]

... I reviewing Madge's post it seems like a plaintiff cry for help of a baby plover, and perhaps we should reconstitute that famous team which helped DitDot fly an R22 backwards to the Antarctic where......

.... the penguins still speak of that feat in hushed tones.

 

"Geeez the bloke that flew that Robbo down here backwards was a dickhead, eh?" they often say to each other under their pongy breaths, while the killer whales lurk off the beach looking exactly like CASA Inspectors hiding in the trees at a Fly-In, touching themselves with anticipation.

 

"And did you hear that Turdy took 37 minutes to insult almost all of the old ducks in the CWA, plus the members of the Bovine Protection Alliance." the penguins added.

 

Then the 12 Incher interjected, with a rousing ..............

 

 

[Bandit12]

....belch and an explosion of garlic laden breath "There's nothing wrong with them old ducks in the CWA, they can cook a mean.....

 

 

[Captain]

....belch and an explosion of garlic laden breath "There's nothing wrong with them old ducks in the CWA, they can cook a mean.....

...... bloke from Moorabbin.

 

"That reminds me of a question I've been meaning to ask the Turdster, as if he lands at Moorabbin while heavily laden, does that mean that he could be mistaken for Osama's bother Moora Bin Laden?"

 

 

[Captain]

...two CWA members ......

In fairness to all NES'ers, Ratty the Protector needs to warn Turdy and all others that are so inclined, that according to Chopper's 43rd book we are involved in dangerous practices when saying things like the above ,as he reckons that the CWA are somewhat akin to a Vietnamese Crime Group, in that during the recent gang-wars a lot of members of the Melbourne Crime Families, and some Painters & Dockers, have been put through CWA sausage mincers when they crossed a democratically convened meeting of CWA members. They were hardened criminals pre-mincer, but post-mincer they were ...................

 

 

[ahlocks]

but post-mincer they were ...................

... slightly gristly and tasting a bit like chicken.

 

"Bugger Me!" (BOB ref.) exclaimed Ahlot as he cast his eye over the flotsom and jetsom of aviating that frequented the NES. "If the 12 incher reckons the sheila in that photo is a porker he's definately destined to become a......."

 

 

[turboplanner]

"....a little piggy wiggy who cries all the way home"

 

Turbo can provide an answer to the Rat's concerns about the dubious methods of the CWA.

 

These stem back many decades to the War when the policy was made that anything that walks, runs, flies or squawks is fair game for the pot, and when the Painters and Dockers (who make Underbelly look like a children's bed time story) had popped off their 43st problem child, made an offer to the p&d to take any further production for their sausages.

 

This, far more than any police action, brought about an immediate truce within the p&d when they made a pact that the thought of any of them going into Elsie's pot was just too much to bear, and since then have been content with just calling each other names, and....

 

 

[Captain]

...... while it is not yet well known, these same tactics are being used again, with the CWA being secretly mobilised to be part of the Federal Bikie Taskforce which is being led by the AFP, but with each of the State based police taskforces reporting to & thru their local CWA.

 

This is working well at present except that a couple of the Police Taskforces commented, off-the-record and anonymously, using words to the effect "Geees, but we are getting sick of black tea, scones and Mavis acting in a predatory fashion to any of our good-looking young constables (who each appear to disappear for a day or two down near Mavis's farm and are then returned with a dazed look on their faces and a need for a skin graft)." and "Bring on the Bikies, as they'll be easier to manage than Mave and the "Can Whip Ars*" girls."

 

Time will tell how things go from here, but if the CWA's decimation of the P&D was any indication, the 1 Percenters are in for a .................

 

 

[turboplanner]

...... gruelling time as the first of the CWA bikies, dressed in denim and leather (XXXXL size) roll out on to the streets, their false teeth in their handbags, and......

 

 

[Captain]

..... "That's where the Turdster has it all wrong" said the ComMissionary-er of the Federal Wallopers at a press conference. "The ladies of the CWA are here to capture and cripple the Bikie Gangs, not to impersonate 'em"

 

 

 

"So what's the plan?" asked an eager reporter.

 

 

 

"Well" he replied "Once we capture a few of the 1%'ers, the ladies of the CWA will turn their attention away from my fresh, crisp and innocent young Constables (and Constablettes [NTTIAWWT]) and will use their CWA bodies to threaten and torture the bikies into submissions and confessions."

 

 

 

Then he added "I cannot guarantee that some of the Bikies will not be harmed (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is very likely), and some will also surely become infatuated with Mavis's considerable skills. To that end, and in accordance with the Geneviève Convention, we will be issuing each captured bikie club member with a set of Qantas eye shades and a poison tablet in case the ordeal becomes too great."

 

 

 

"Bring it on" yelled the Sergeant at Arms, Legs, & Everything-in-Between of the Bone chapter of the Satan's Straight-thru-Exhausts, from the back of the room, "And we'll ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"....show-them-who's-the-dominant- sex" (although he'd lived in none all his life he'd managed to catch the bone-dash disease just like that.

 

"Wow" said Turb, lost for words and having to use one of his daughter's expressions, "that is a Brilliant strategy I can remember being ready to confess to anything when I was set upon by three CWA members and their cream sponge cakes, and............"

 

 

[Captain]

"....show-them-who's-the-dominant- sex" (although he'd lived in none all his life he'd managed to catch the bone-dash disease just like that."Wow" said Turb, lost for words and having to use one of his daughter's expressions, "that is a Brilliant strategy I can remember being ready to confess to anything when I was set upon by three CWA members and their cream sponge cakes, and............"

The Rodent wonders what was the reason that Tubb's daughter "was set upon by three CWA members and their cream sponge cakes" (not that there is anything wrong with that) and he wonders why such an unseemly episode should become one of her well known expressions, however Ratty will just move on with the NES rather than embarrass Tink and his daught.

 

....... at around that time the AFP Commissionary-er conducted another brief Press Conference to praise one of the volunteers that are so vital to this Bikie Control Offensive (The National BCO).

 

He commenced by saying "I have called you all here today to read a letter that confirms & acknowledges the selfless community spirit of the NSW Riverina and I quote the following which I received this morning "Dear Commissionary-er. I support this initiative and as I have been missing out a bit lately I would like to volunteer to be the official tester of the CWA Ladies powers & techniques to torture and cripple men with their bodies. Please tell the ladies (and particularly Mavis) that I can meet them tonight by the southern light-pole at Robertson Oval at 11 pm" ........... and, the Commissioner added that this selfless letter was signed by a Mr. A. H. Locks, for whom he proposed a hearty round of ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

........a pause.

 

Just where the son picked up his obscure deviant character was a mystery to his poor old father who, honest as the day was long, made a profession out of manufacturing locks.

 

He would cast each one in iron, and they contained the most wonderful wrought iron swirls and curls. they took three months to make, so there was a constant waiting time, which was a nuisance if you were locked out of your house, and weighed about 30 kilos which made them quite difficult to fit in your pocket, and somewhat interesting at time when you were on horseback.

 

 

 

His name was Bill Ormond Lasseter Longone, and he loved his occupation so much he changed his surname to Lock.

 

 

 

At his funeral the Mayor commented that it was a pity there weren't more BOLLocks around, because....................

 

 

[Bandit12]

.....there was nothing like a good bollocking before breakfast.

 

**Cue Apocalypse Now music, as the Madge swoops in flying a red jackacricket**

 

"I love the smell of a bollocking in the.....

 

 

[Captain]

..... frying pan at breakfast time (***** cue Ball-cooking Now music, as Madge swoops in for a crack at another member's spouse) as those mountain oysters are both filling and ........

 

My Aunt was out in the garden the other day and as an exclusive for NES readers I can divulge that she received an email with an attachment that is the New Membership and Renewal of Membership Forms where Madge has used his new-found powers to require all Members to attach a photo of their spouse, partner or "occasional other" (NTTIAWWT .... cross out those that do not apply) so that he can be a bit more selective and up his hit-rate from home visits while members are out flying.

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

But Andy noted that we'd simply skimmed past the bit where Turdy was about to commit aviation with the Mauve lady of the maternal side of the Bin Laden family.....

 

"whats ya name?" asked Turdy with a lusty twinkle in his eye....

 

"Why my names...Sheesbin Groselly Ova Laden....Despite what Loxy thinks!!!"

 

" I though all you female Ladens had to wear all that complex and hot clobba....on ya head?"

 

"No No...only when in the public eye...when in Turdys eye...well......"

 

" Given that we seem to be close beyond MTOW I have a brown paper bag that can do the head thing while doubling as a barff bag......If you need to use it as the later...then ensure your grip around your throat is tight as can be until we can put you on your head.....Its likely to be rough!......in fact I like it rough!!!" said Turdy

 

Sheesbin just had a stunned look on her face as Turdy bundled her into the.......

 

 

[turboplanner]

...and there good readers we pause for a commercial while Turbo has a little talk with the Hatshatter to find out how he got that story, which Turbo thought he had hidden quite well.

 

Now that it's out of the bag so to speak, he can tell you that he was in western Pakistan on assignment from our Prime Minister of the day Kevin the First, who had become bored with spying on Indonesia's President, and sent Turbo to see what Bin Laden was doing shortly before he met his untimely end. Turbo being Turbo just hopped off a plane in Karachi and asked the nearest taxi driver to take him to the Bin Laden household. Without even stopping for first gear the driver headed out the road and dropped Turbo off at the door. Before he could even knock the overweight beauty had leered at Turbo, and was starting to accost him, when realising the inevitable he asked, "Haven't you at least got a paper bag?"

 

She responded angrily, "Do you know who my husband is?", and Turbo made the mistake of smirking, and then.............................

 

 

[Captain]

Andysh@all overcoffs, post: 399248, member: 94[/email]] .....................Sheesbin just had a stunned look on her face as Turdy bundled her into the.......

...... passenger's seat.

 

 

 

"I'm the legendary Turdy, I am tough (Tough-Turdy) and using a crappy french accent like the Knight in the Search for the Holy Grail, said "I scough at the MTOW, who'll ever know if it gets up around 700 kgs as there are only so many CASA Inspectors and zee odds are about 250:1 zat we will get away with eet ............. and I shall take you to see the moon and stars."

 

 

 

"Je t'agree, so fill the tanks to the brim, pack a dozen condom-ants and let's go" replied Sheila, "Et what's more, je .....................

 

, post: 399248, member: 94[/email]] .She responded angrily, "Do you know who my husband is?", and Turbo made the mistake of smirking, and then........................................................

........ he puffed out his chest (AvOxyMoron) and said in Yidish "Too right I do hot-stuff, you're one of the Bed Linens and The Turdster is about to show you the wonders of your family's products, but first let me ..................

 

Curses as Ratty has been gazumped by Tubb again in the above response, resulting in 2 stories now running in parallel.