The Never Ending Story

[Guest Andys@coffs]

"....Je Turdy what stops us consummating our flying?"

 

"Nothing!....all that matters is to see if I can get it off the ground, but to be honest (and there's a first for everything!) me and an Ova Laden in an RAAus aircraft might well result in me having trouble making it rise out of ground affect......

 

"Don't you westerners have a drug for that......

 

"Well...."Turbo said with a sheepish look.....

 

"Don't give me that sheepish look! All I want is to get It up and away! Ive drones to see too!

 

 

[Captain]

.... And sheep do nothing for my libido" she added.

 

 

 

"Me either, however please don't drone on and on about that" confessed Tink "But camels, now that is another matter that I have a prior for (it was on a camel ride on the beach at Broome when the Rat yelled out "Get off and give the camel a go"). It wasn't fair" he added "As the camel, whose name was Scot, got off scot-free yet I was the passive participant, and .............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Meanwhile Rat turned to Andy and said..." Is Turdy as tough as he makes out??"

 

"Absolutely, any tougher and he'd need coloxyl just to get through the door!"

 

"We'll I wont stand in his way then....after all if he does have coloxyl then standing in his way may well be something to avoid!"

 

"Lets see what Daring Do he has up his sleave....perhaps a pump up......."

 

 

[Captain]

And Politically Correct Rat could take this thread no further at the moment, because all storey line options to continue would surely get him banned (plus he needs to research wtf coloxyl is).

 

 

 

"No way" replied Eeeeen "Just let it all out and I'll be merciful".

 

 

 

"No Eeeeen" replied delicate and sensitive Rat "I need to leave it to others, as the FlyingVisionofLovelyness, or her dog, may read this post and I'll be ..............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Andy read Rat's post in surprise? what are you talking about he asked, I was merely refering to the pump up rotaxen fuel injected motor that can be quickly added to an aircraft when you need a few extra horses to get you out of a tough spot..... Now the reason I say a few, is that the exact amount of horses available is unknown at anytime, sometimes there's a lot and at other times for no real apparent reason there are less as the EFI computer winds things randomly back.....but anyway, inorder to see some drones and a bunch of furtive tribal Al and Ted Kaieda's it would do when a jab just couldn't......

 

 

[Captain]

....... be free'd up from being the mainstay of the Ozzie UL scene.

 

"You should see what we can see from the drone in Al and Ted's compound (although we can't hear much over the backlash in the gearbox and sprag crutch)" replied the boss of EhZio, who was still loyal to the Bundy air cooled product.

 

"Now hang on there" responded the boss of the EhFP "As my National BCO is more important than perving on a few hot sorts sunbaking by the pool in berkas at Al and Ted's joints".

 

"Well" said the boss of EhZio "If you'll lend me half a division of CWA sheilas (and a truckload of pretty big Berkas) for my use in the War on Terror, I'll lend you a drone to ...............

 

 

[Bandit12]

....play peekaboo when Nanna is outside.....

 

 

[Captain]

...... but I'm pretty sure that with Nanna there may be more "BOO" than "peaking", so don't let Andy get a fright of he may not make it to the hat.

 

Then, at that very moment, the official Aussie terrorism threat level was raised to "WY" status (Wet Yourselves) and the boss of EhZio said "...............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

We need an improvement on the ASIC....A better one...perhaps a BASIC!

 

No said EhZio we don't want people understanding the need or the rules we don't make anything basic here....by choice......or design...or most often as a result of a fUp!

 

How about an ASSic Aviation Stupidity & Supremely Idiotic Card that in adition to making flying a complexity most will ignore may verywell provide reason for a fee increase now that we have to pay female lawyers maternity leave under mr rabbit at queens counsel rates!

 

If Aussies struggle to make sense of the legislation then what hope will Al and Ted Kaieda have of understanding it. We could wrap them in chains and rope....if only the slippery buggers would stand still long enough.....but failing that wrapping them in complex and contradictory rules has worked for years at keeping Aussise safer by preventing them from flying so should keep those incredibly dangerous fabric wrapped U/l Bombs out of the air.......

 

Well with logic like that Al and Ted felt completely stymied until Al cam up with an even more cunning plan........

 

 

[Captain]

..... which he thought may be a bit too similar to the last one, but he went ahead anyway and said "Let's knock off a JackACricket from Bone and fly it to New York to have a crack at the new WTC."

 

This had the desired effect as 9000 RAA members messed themselves laughing and 2 had heart murmurs, which was Al's cunning plan to gradually rid the world of infidel Fly-boys and ............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

while there was a real risk that the American FAA who it seemed were only 1/2 as stupid as the Australian lads, might well stop the Jackacriket taking to the air they sure couldn't prevent Al and Ted from each having a LAWs anti tank missile because to prevent that would require infringement of the constitutional right to personal weapon size brinkmanship for those that had small plonkers....and in any event if a burglar was to break into your house then what better protection to have than a manportable LAWs system......

 

Al looked at Ted and said "Is your plonker small?"

 

Ted shrugged and said "my 72 virgins I'm promised had better not complain! and in any event I wont be!"

 

Rat piped up and said "Is that 72 inc or ex GST? Cause if its inc GST then as a business "Al and Ted Terror incorporated" you'll need to give unto Caesar's what is his...and in any event 1/11th is going to make 1 virgin very unhappy unless you round up!"

 

Al looked at Ted and said "Is Caesar a Jew?"

 

"I don't know....why"

 

"Well we could try and round down and blackmail jihad on his family if he doesn't accept a discounted payment...."

 

Ted looked stressed "This is becoming all too hard! and in any event did we submit a quarterly Terror Activity Statement for the previous quarter?"

 

" I think we need to get out of Australia...Jihad is too complicated here! what about Bali? I hear the locals are a bit down on the Aussies listening in as they deal with the proceeds of their brown paperbags....

 

 

[Captain]

......... and then there was a knock on the tent.

 

"Come in" yelled Al.

 

A tall dark stranger stepped into Al's vestibule (it was a pretty swish tent) and said "Good morning. My Name is A.H Locks, son of Dead and grandson of Boll, may god be praised (whichever you believe in ..... NTTIAWWT). I triple as a Moderattori Magnifficentti, as a CASA Inspector and as a BAS collector."

 

"G'day to you A H" responded Ted who was quickly becoming very Aussie and quipped "Does the "H" stand for "Hole"?"

 

"Good one" replied Loxie "Now show me yez Weight and Balance calcs, give us a squiz at the date on your WAC and please provide the number of virgins that were included in your latest BAS Statement."

 

"BAS schmazzz, my boy" replied Al with a motion that made him look like an Antwerp Diamond Dealer, little black beanie and all, "But ..................

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

"But nothing!!! I think you've been short changing Caesar.....um..ah...which would be me! and Im here to collect my 5.6 virgins. I'll need a certificate of conformance for those virgins and enough paperwork to provide full traceability back to the provider of the said lady's"

 

A H had a smug look on his face and added

 

"In checking my records it also appears that you didn't pay the boat exit fee necessary as you exited at Christmas island...We find that the smugglers tend to forget to tell passengers that those who live to get to the other end need to pay the 2nd half of the fee to Caesar.....I"

 

"f you look out at my Loxavagon you'll see Caesar incorporated below the locksmith sign...(added hurriedly in my best gaffa tape signwriting)" he added quietly under his breath.

 

"So Im here to collect $10k from each of you, or $11k if you need a receipt, and the afore mentioned 5.6 virgins....So Cough up" he added in his very best standover voice....which was good enough that he'd be eliminated in round 1 on any talent show......"

 

Ted looked at Al and said to AH

 

"You do know that the virgins have strict delivery requirements don't you......"

 

"No...What are you talking about!" said AH who quickly felt that things were spinning (AvRef) out of control (RAAref)

 

"Well the viirgins are only delivered after death and only to muslims and only to those that had a really good jihad just before carking it!"

 

"Ummm...Ahhh........."

 

 

[Captain]

......... "Well" responded Mr Locks "I am one and I hope that I am not provided to some bomb-chucker after he has done the deed".

 

 

 

"I have just checked on line at www.jihad_benefits.com" said Al "And there is nothing in the good book to guarantee that the virgins will be female".

 

 

 

"Erky perky" answered Ted "As .............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

he considered that point...

 

"Al....did you like me assume that the 72 virgins...minus Caesars 5.6....would be female?"

 

"No....not at all....Ted"

 

AH added "And that bit about having a good Jihad before carking.....Is that why Hatshatter brought up Coloxyl.? I take it that coloxyl loosens Jihad.....although I think porridge in the morning works just as well...."

 

Ted ignored AH.....after all he was speaking English but making very little sense and Ted felt he'd be in ring in for Prez of ROZaus....

 

"Al...Have you looked at any other online source after all www.jihad_benefits.com can hardly be taken seriously! what about the www.team_america.com or the www.theFilthyInfidelsMustDie.org is a much more scholarly site and even provides citations (avref) for those that need it"

 

Ted continued to look disinterested "Im not overly concerned about it myself and getting off Scott Free would be quite acceptable"

 

AH, was feeling concerned and started to back away..while never turning his back on Al......just as he got to the Loxavagon he looked at both Al and Ted and said........

 

 

[Captain]

...... "How long have you blokes been in Oz?"

 

 

 

"About 2 weeks" replied Al.

 

 

 

"It is fully sick & we feel fully at home and fully like locals" added Ted "Just look at these Stubbies and blue singlets with AQ monogrammed on them".

 

 

 

"Too right" replied Al "We have already told our fearless leader that we are having a sickie this week and "Bugger the jihad", as we are going to the pub and then going fishing for a fortnight."

 

 

 

"And we've bought a weekender on the coast that comes with a new Quintrex and a 200 Evinrude" said Ted.

 

 

 

"I've bought a Harley, plus I've ordered a new Jab kit, & joined the RAA where I'll run for the Board next year, so we are having a great time getting "Skippyfied" & also getting pretty used to drinking a case of Breezers each night." replied Al.

 

 

 

"But we haven't been able to find a local virgin since we got here (and particularly after this year's Schoolies Week)." added Ted, "Except you, Loxie".

 

 

 

"Well hand over whatever imported virgins you have left" replied AH "And we'll call it quits on your BAS this quarter, as ..................

 

 

[Captain]

........ the tax office is also hard up for virgins and a couple of yours will go a long way down in Canberra."

 

Your investigator Rat next ran into Al & Ted at their camp down on the Murrumbidgee where they were after Cod and Murray Crays out of season, so we sat amongst their litter of beer cans (they drink VB and it looked like Cairo on a good day, but more green) to discuss Osama and his organisation.

 

"Where did the name Al Qaeda come from?" asked Rat.

 

"Good question cobber," replied Ted as he took a swig of beer from a newly opened can and topped it up with scotch as the real bushies do "Many people think that the name has religious connotations, but Allan Qaeda was actually Osama's gay lover ............ not that there is anything wrong with that."

 

"Yeah" added Al "And I used to call him "Big Gay Al", so that people wouldn't confuse his name with mine, ... because Osama never thought I was hot."

 

"Then the boys from South Park heard about that name and used it for their "Big Gay Al" character."

 

"That explains a lot" replied Reporter Rat "And I notice that you have AQ on your blue truckies singlets, and then Gumly Gumly Chapter & "Bugger the Jihad" printed below that."

 

"Yes, well observed. You are obviously a top notch investigative Journo" replied Ted "But we have to be careful as when we ride our Harleys together the whallopers think that we are riding in a group "while patched", and then all these old sheilas try to come after us & run us off the road in their 317 HSV Club Sport CWA badged patrol cars, so the only thing that we can do is ..................

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo heard about this clandestine meeting on the Murrumbidgee (named after Murray Bridge (sp), and sighed.

 

He was also patched, and the Sergeant at Arms of the Savage Possums, Bangholme Chapter.

 

"Get out the AK47's guys" he said uncertainly "We're off to the Murrumbidgee to sort out these AQ scum"

 

He got out the trusty BSA Bantam, and gave it a kick. Not surprisingly the engine turned over three times then stopped.

 

"Get the rope" he called and tied it to the Land Cruiser, and the two vehicles disappeared over the horizon with the BSA belching black smoke and the rear wheel skidding sideways as they tried to overcome the enormous compression, and.......

 

 

[Captain]

......... as all Beeza owners knew, "A lack of engine compression leads to rider depression".

 

 

 

"Or" Ted chipped in "In Harley's case, they have been turning riders into mechanics since 1926".

 

 

 

"But" Al added "...........................

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

"Ted....clocks ticking and that really ugly Team Leader is going to come and visit us soon if we don't create a little terror...of course big terror would be even better but we must show some sort of progress for all the smacka's they're sending us....which we seem to be drinking as we contemplate our next step.....What are we going to do!"

 

Al looked at Ted and said.. "Whats the most fearful thing to an Aussie.....what ever it is that's where we'll strike!"

 

Rat said "OMG your not going to do away with Public Holidays and Sickies are ya?"

 

"............

 

 

[Captain]

...... but Ted replied "CoooEeeee Sport, and to demonstrate how Aussie me and Al are, you will be aware that one of AQ's training camps was hit with a drone strike last week and 6 of our best guys were zapped, plus the drone killed a couple of Mullahs. Well, as a tangible demonstration of our "Skippyness", we have put those through as Worker's Comp claims, and our 3rd in command here, Has Bin Abadboy (but we just call him Brine), has submitted a claim for RSI from his vest sewing activity (and ADSD because he was such an excitable dickhead when he was a kiddie), however that doesn't all mean that we aren't ....................

 

 

[turboplanner]

"What's going on?" asked Foxhunter in a conference call with his Sergeant at Arms, Maggott, who flies a Light Wing [ a lower strength version of the real thing]

 

"The Arabs are getting restless, and the Possums are about to cut up rough" said Duzzent, and......[his voice was drowned out by the unmistakeable chatter of an AK47]

 

"Are you OK, old chap" asked Foxhunter

 

"Yes, it was someone wearing AQ colours, but hew missed" [another unmitakeable characteristic of the AK47 and its users]

 

"He had a long tail" added Duzzent, which on the Gold Coast stood out from the typical crowd.

 

"That's it then" said Foxhunter, we're off, and the various Chapters of their gang, THE CRETINs departed from as far away as Townsville and even Gisborne South.

 

Police in all states were warned to look for a trail of Harley parts from pistons to belt guards, and..............

 

 

[Captain]

....... the Police in all states warned the Bikies to beware of the CWA hit squads.

 

 

 

"We eat Bikies for morning tea" said Mavis "And pikeletes too."

 

 

 

"You mean bikkies, don't ya Mave" said Gladarse.

 

 

 

"Oh bugger (NTTIAWWT)" replied Mavis "No wonder they ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......taste like leather and are rough to the throat."

 

"I'm not going to put up with these outrageous attacks by the CWA" roared Maggott "I'm a BOARD MEMBER (nttiawwt)

 

"What are you going to do, throw a sponge at them Ha, Haaha, haaahaaahaaa" said .....

 

 

[Captain]

"......taste like leather and are rough to the throat.""I'm not going to put up with these outrageous attacks by the CWA" roared Maggott "I'm a BOARD MEMBER (nttiawwt)

 

"What are you going to do, throw a sponge at them Ha, Haaha, haaahaaahaaa" said .....

...... Maggott, who went under the pseudonym of Margot when attending the CWA AGM, while up to high-jinks with Locksley at the Blue Oyster and while attending RAA Board Meetings as their newest member.

 

 

 

"He, she or it is definitely "sponge worthy"" stated Mave while pinching a line from Elaine Benes in Seinfeld "And I'd also eat whipped cream off his, her or its ................