The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

........ "I'm a multi-position type of guy and side is just one technique that I have used over the years to give great pleasure (and, dear reader, what a lot of years there have been, particularly when there are 365 days in most of 'em, with 24 hours in each of those days and when you live in YSWG and have to talk to Loxie on almost all of them, then put up with having a coffee with him a couple of times each week etc. etc. add infinitum), but I must concede to being an empennage type of guy (as proven at the BOB on a moonless night)." he admitted.

 

"I'd like-to-get-rid-of-all-the-dickheads-who-paint-their spats red and their control surfaces yellow" added bull "Or those who paint their LEDwing light blue, as those types of guys (or guy-ettes NTTIAWWT) are .................

 

 

[turboplanner]

...the pitts (avref).

 

This opinion was shared by the workers at the Marian suger mill when Madge backed off the throttle approaching to land, and the Rattax backfired and sent the sprag clutch into a series of clangs which had the workers rushing for the lunch room thinking it was the dinner bell.

 

They weren't at all pleased to find it was just a rich guy playing with his toy, and one of the photos shows Madge attempting to get the aircraft back under control after being terrified by cannonfire from a strange aircraft which suddenly appeared over the factory.

 

What could it have been lurking there for? Why was it armed? What was going on at that factory other than squeezing sugar cane?

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

NES NEWSFLASH NES NEWSFLASH NES NEWSFLASH .............

 

 

Your beloved Rat was on a mission of mercy this morning when he needed to provide moral support for a distraught Goldy Lox, when Loxly's Szara was sold and departed yswg for the last time. Rathole supported Loxly and whipe'd up the tears with paper towels, in a spirit of true NES mateship.

 

 

[turboplanner]

A sad day, to lose a Rattax from our community is devastating, even though it was only ever flown when there was no alternative, except........

 

 

[Captain]

A sad day, to lose a Rattax from our community is devastating, even though it was only ever flown when there was no alternative, except........

"It is indeed a sad day" confirmed Rathole "But whoever has bought it has picked up a real nice machine. No wonder Robin of Loxly needed consoling this morning. The machine was so good that Rathole would have been happy to fly anywhere in it, except for the fact that the Magnificentti Moderattori Mastabatuchi Masticatori was always in the left hand seat, with his hand on his ..................

 

 

[Captain]

... What was going on at that factory other than squeezing sugar cane?

see http://www.recreationalflying.com/attachments/img_7862-600-x-400-jpg.26861/

 

"I reckon that the smoke, steam and hot-air above that factory comes from:

 

 

1. A meeting of the Mount Perrier Fly-Boyz, a men only club where anyone under 55 is considered to be a sub-junior member.
    
   
2. Madge's Opium Den & Coffee Emporium, staffed with lots of Pilipino lasses.
    
   
3. The exhaust of the Axe (just before it broke).
    
   
4. Madge's mate Bruce starting up his steam driven welder in preparation for another exhaust repair.
    
   
5. The noxious gasses floating north from Coughs after the Pander's last hat filling.
    
   
6. Or ....................
    
   

 

 

[turboplanner]

....and, dear NES readers please don't repeat this, a lunch between Red Herring and a certain little guts of any type of food after they finally took their aircraft over MTOW with the junk food consumed en route to the Townsville casino, where...........

 

 

[Bandit12]

....epaulettes and new safety placards were handed out. The placards read.....".....

 

 

[Captain]

......... "IF YOU AFIX THIS PLACARD AND TAKE A BIG PHOTO OF IT, RESIST GET-THERE-ITIS, WEAR A FLUORO VEST, AND NEVER VENTURE ANYWHERE IN THIS AIRCRAFT, YOU ARE SURE TO BE SAFE, UNLESS ........................."

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....you take another photo of the placard with the sun setting on it, and viewed in the obverse, along with the measurements of the tyre make and specification numbers, and..........

 

 

[Captain]

........ while you are at it, make 10 copies that you can send in at rego time each year for the next decade. But if you put Avgas (AvRef) in it and start it up so that the twirly thing (AvRef) starts to turn around, then all bets are off ........... plus add a Disclaimer that "This placard is not maintained to normal commercial aviation (AvRef) standards (so bend over and kiss your **** goodbye) and all who read this placard do so at their own risk, but don't ever ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....think this is the end of it because if you phone us for a confidential intereview (References: board members Madge, Red H%^%^$^, $^&*&*_*+, %(%)(*&+.(*^_&_)(&.)&^_&_*&, +()&+(&_+)(&_*^&_^&, +_))))(*,and +_(_)*)* - we don't even tell the Members!) we will explain how if the plaque is not attached straight you will get the leans within 180 seconds and die, or even worse, get the runs and have your waste beat you to the ground, with...........................

 

 

[Captain]

........... Andy trying to catch it with his stetson, looking like Phil Tuffnell in the outfield at the MCG.

 

 

 

Just then, the Blue Mackeral phoned Beginning-Oh & Paulette and aksed "What are we going to do about his Madgesty, who is beginning to make a lot of sense, and therefore does not deserve to be ...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......part of the secret service, and ..............

 

 

[Captain]

.......part of the secret service, and ..............

......... the RA-Oz Men's Club, or the AUF's not-so-secret service (don't tell anyone, but the AUF still exists and meets covertly at the Bogong BOB {a recent franchise by Loxly}), or the pee-pee prune nasty boyz club, or the ...................

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

"Excuse me!" interjected Andy, "But what service does he provide as a member of the secret service, and where on the Annual financial report can we see what this service costs us?"

 

Paulette and Beginning-Oh looked furtively at each other and then Paullete said "We could tell you....but then you would have to kill us and we have a new by-law....that we dreampt up 3 seconds ago......that prevents you, an ordinary member, and some of the other bored members who don't play in our sandpit, from knowing anything about the secret service unless you knw the secret handshake and the secret passphrase that must ne used when discussing this!"

 

Um wasn't there a constitutional amendment that prevented By-Laws being dreamed up in a case of random synapse firing?

 

"Yes but we only use the constitution when it suits us....and right now it doesn't!" said Beginning-Oh

 

"And the financials?" questioned Andy

 

"Dunno" said Paulette... "Do you mean that long document of random words and $ amounts that the very expensive accounting firm produces when we hand then the shoebox full of invoices, cockroach poo and Dustbunnies collected over the last 12 months at HQ?"

 

"Yeah that'd be the one"

 

"No idea" said Paullete.....which stumped Andy cause he knew it to be an absolute statement of truth by Paullete........

 

 

[Captain]

.........., but then he asked for the chance to clarify his previous statement (an almost annual occurrence).

 

 

 

Paulette drew a deep breath, puffed out his chest (sic) and started his ramble ..........."The list of numbers on the left are the Income, so they are positive and are known in the accountancy trade as "good" numbers, while those in the column on the right are expenditure (I actually call them "Outcome") and those are known in the accountancy game as "naughty" numbers. Or is it the the other way around and the Outcome number thingys are actually Income? It's so hard to remember, so to keep the members totally happy (as those dumb bastards will never be able to work it out) just do what I have always done and call whichever is the bigger numer "Income" and the smaller number "Outcome" and that way you always make a pro-stitute/promise/prostate/profiterole/prolapse/prolog/profit/excess of expenditure over income, or as I often call it, a ....................

 

 

Ma Tante says "Apologies to the FlyingVisionofLovelyness for giving away the above secrets of the accountancy caper". "It's a bit like exposing the techniques of The Magic Circle only more mystifying" added Rathole.

 

 

[turboplanner]

".....boring thingy that members wouldn't be interested in, except..............."

 

 

[Captain]

............ when a few of the buggers stand up on their hind feet and call for an EGM. Don't ya just hate it when that happens? But I always look on the bright side when they do that and I ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"............step into my long johns, draw myself up to my full height, and..............."

 

 

[Captain]

....... tap dance my way to peace, love & understanding, then add just a dash of .............

 

 

[turboplanner]

".......makeup for any TV cameras that may be poking..............................."

 

 

[Captain]

"Now you are talking my lingo" interjected Ahlot "So feel free to use my makeup, and ...........

 

 

[Captain]

........... feel some empathy for poor old His Madge-sty, who has been pilloried for being a "Jab Basher" on the one hand and also for not being active enough to address the thru-bolt/head-cracking issue, and this is particularly harsh when Madge is a fine example of a cracked head but with a wise and compassionate ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....and loud exhaust to..................