The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

...fast food business, including the nasty business with the milkshake rollergirl and the scrofula. By this time the sun was rising, and only a sleeping Ben, dazed turbo, and Ben's self-heating flight attendants were left - everybody else was off at the food tent getting breakfast, except the few who had slipped into the clubhouse and...

........ were attending His Madge-esty's Sainthood indoctrination.

 

 

 

"I hearby dub you Saint Jayco of Temora" said the bloke from the Christian Church food tent, and with that he smote Madge with his big gold encrusted smoter.

 

 

 

"Geeez" said Madge, eh "I just cum down here from f'n Q to f'n NSW, eh, to attend the f'n RAA f'n Board Meeting and to give the Lightwing a run, eh, so I never dreamed that I'd be inducted as a St Kilda life-f'n-member."

 

 

 

Eeeen, who had known Madge for a while, and had banned him a couple of times in the process, for excessive use of the letters "e" and "h", rushed into the tent and yelled "Are you past the bit where everyone has to forever hold their piece?" At which point Eeeen grabbed his just in case & added. "And if not, I just want to say that ..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....Madge is a @#&*."

 

Turbo reeled backwards accidentally stepping on the prone Brine; he'd always believed that Een was a Saint, or perhaps even Amish.

 

For the benefit of the tens of thousands of NES readers who may not have met Madge, despite his pushy little ways of pushing to the front of any photo shoot, he is the spitting image of Prince Charles, or what Prince Charles would look like if he had bandy legs and freckles and said "ay" at the end ofer every sentence in stead of "One thinks" or One believes" or "what is love?"

 

Madge raised himself to his full 160 cm height and said "What did Een say ay? - I'll have you know I'm a Board Member now!!! ay!!!"

 

Turbo helpfully explained that Een had called Madge a @#&*.

 

To prevent Een getting in trouble he raised his chin across the fire at the gloating Rat and said "We all say that"

 

Madge, who had been secretive for weeks let it all come out..................................

 

 

[Captain]

....... and made the valid point that after the free and repeated use of the disgraceful term "@#&*" , Eeen should ban himself for at least 5 days and appoint Ahlox as El Supremo, although Madge also warned Eeeen about never letting Loxy within 400 kms of Corrine.

 

 

 

Eeen, always being fair & balanced did give himself a week on the banned list, Ahlox set up an unauthorised site upgrade of 160 hours duration commencing on 9 am Friday morning, changed the ISP to some bloke and his wife in Turkmenistan who were cheaper, and altered the name of WreckFlying to .......

 

 

[Bob Llewellyn]

....... and made the valid point that after the free and repeated use of the disgraceful term "@#&*" , Eeen should ban himself for at least 5 days and appoint Ahlox as El Supremo, although Madge also warned Eeeen about never letting Loxy within 400 kms of Corrine. 

 

Eeen, always being fair & balanced did give himself a week on the banned list, Ahlox set up an unauthorised site upgrade of 160 hours duration commencing on 9 am Friday morning, changed the ISP to some bloke and his wife in Turkmenistan who were cheaper, and altered the name of WreckFlying to .......

Xtreem Sports Ascendant , which he then tried to license out on Ebay. Back on the operational runway, the trucks had been chased off after the blue singlet brigade came back out of the bush. Maggot had impounded the GulfStleam, and the descendants had hitched a lift into Temora to see if they could get some Chinese takeaway. In the meantime, Bob had gone back behind the end hangar to try to glue his tooth back in, and play with model Thrusters again, when he was aghast to see...

 

 

[turboplanner]

...Turbo conducting a Forum to the two Ratfly attendees who had stayed after they saw the food.

 

"First find your Thruster" he began, and added with a grin "and while you're at it bring back some hens' teeth for me"

 

"The Thruster has a log of drag and a little bit of lift" he continued.

 

"You can experience this by driving in your car, holding your arm out the window, and turning it until your arm is nearly ripped off."

 

"In fact, that is how the Thruster is best flown" he continued "Buy an old HQ and tow the Thruster on a trailer and put your hand out the window and you'll feel as much excitement as a Thruster Pilot"

 

"in fact" he said, I'd ditch the frigging Thruster and just put your hand out the win......................

 

 

[Captain]

..."in fact" he said, I'd ditch the frigging Thruster and just put your hand out the win......................

...... Wine Bar's door to see if it is raining." for Turdy's lecture, which was soon to be picked up as an annual event at Monash (and televised live on Apac), was being held in the main street of Temola next to the excrusive 100 loom Japanese lestaulant where Aki, Nobu, Mitch and the rest of the boys had decided to tie one on.

 

 

 

And the noise was bedram.

 

 

 

"Will you guys prease cram up" yelled Turbs "As I can't here myself recture in here".

 

 

 

Then he reminisced to his audience about the good old days.

 

 

 

"Yadda yadda yadda 300 ft max, garbage garbage etc never over roads, clap, clap, clap no licences needed, mumble mumble mumble teach yourself to fly etc etc .............."

 

 

 

"Those were the days that we should get back to again" cried the Rag & Tube members "And forget about the fact that heaps of guys spiralled in when they .................

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......hit the fence, hit a cow turd, hit a stick, hit a sheep, hit a house,or finally did get up above fence level and the wing dropped off, engine dropped out, prop came off, fuel tank dropped off, plastic chair collapsed, crapped themselves in fright, or................................."

 

Aircraft Classified: Turbo's Rubber Duck, well maintained pleane, in peaces, some bird sh$t, engine hasn't been started in 23 years but always started first pull, some dents, can't find one wheel but you'll get one at Bunens, don't want to pay Ebay fees, No TYREKICKERS, Know comments from lookas, unless you want to buy it F*&^% O%^.

 

 

[Captain]

"......hit the fence, hit a cow turd, hit a stick, hit a sheep, hit a house,or finally did get up above fence level and the wing dropped off, engine dropped out, prop came off, fuel tank dropped off, plastic chair collapsed, crapped themselves in fright, or................................."

....... a tyre-kicker came around and kicked the tyres, causing the empennage to drop off.

 

 

 

"What's an empennage?" asked Turdy, (who got his name when the Rubber Duck hit a particularly large cow pat while landing at the Henty Field Day back in 1962) "As we fair dinkum rag & tube fly-boys don't bugger around with French names, and why did they leave the "Blanca" off the "Casa" name?" he added.

 

 

 

"It was the Hawk Government what dun it?" responded that Welsh sounding bloke "When they .......

 

 

[Bob Llewellyn]

....... a tyre-kicker came around and kicked the tyres, causing the empennage to drop off. 

 

"What's an empennage?" asked Turdy, (who got his name when the Rubber Duck hit a particularly large cow pat while landing at the Henty Field Day back in 1962) "As we fair dinkum rag & tube fly-boys don't bugger around with French names, and why did they leave the "Blanca" off the "Casa" name?" he added.

 

 

 

"It was the Hawk Government what dun it?" responded that Welsh sounding bloke "When they .......

...allowed Keatles to take over and turn the Uncivil Aircraft-like things Authoritaaah into a football for lawers by removing their immunity..." A vast silence swept the room, broken only by Hy's nervous fart. The ramp-checker - no longer hopping OR smiling - had come in the door. "That's balls" he said. "We didn't want you irresponsible f**knuckles blackening the good name of orstraalian aviation safety Uuurgh!", and fell like a poleaxed rampchecker. Ratty stuck something suspiciously like brass knuckles into something suspiciously like his pocket, and attempted to whistle innocently. "Goodonya!" said Bob. "Youse anti-Thruster b*st*rds are just grumpy because you can't even get twice the cruise speed for five times the price on nearly twice the power!!" and looked around triumphantly. Ben Tley backhanded him across the face. "Can't stand Triumphs! (except the bikes of course...); and can't stand the bloody welsh!" said Ben. "Not mgmmrph!" said Bob, as Ben accidentaly stepped on his face. "NO!" said Turbo, "my rubber duck was faster than a Thruster..." "YOU CAN"T HANDLE A RUBBER DUCK!!!" screamed Maggot. Just then...

 

 

[Captain]

..... a copy of a Thruster landed long on 23.

 

It was a more physical version, known as a "Pounder", designed, owned and flown by Dick Pound of Olympics fame.

 

"I remember well when the Turdster got his name" said Dick "As the bull responsible for that fateful cow pat was particularly crook and left a deposit that was bigger than a Jab 230, before the Bange-it-Holme bandit hit it dead centre, after which he .......

 

 

[Captain]

.......... was be-splattered, although Nanna thought that it was an improvement.

 

 

 

Nanna was a nubile young thing back in '62 and looked very much "up-for-it" like that Welsh sounding fellow did when he sat by the fire, west of the main strip at Temora, and said ..................

 

 

[Bob Llewellyn]

.......... was be-splattered, although Nanna thought that it was an improvement. 

 

Nanna was a nubile young thing back in '62 and looked very much "up-for-it" like that Welsh sounding fellow did when he sat by the fire, west of the main strip at Temora, and said ..................

"hubba hubba! Cor, will you look at the bits on that one...", with a concussed smile that looked suspiciously like a leer. The descendants, who were sharing some saki and wondering how they'd ever get out of here now the Gulfstleam was missing, eyed him askance. "Who's that round-eyed dope looking at?" Asked Hy. Great giggled. "Maybe it's you?" he said. Hy pretended to barf. "WOT are you DOIN', you DISGUSTING little man?" asked Maggot. "wouldn't you like to know?" replied Ssan. "Of CORSE I would, or I wouldna bl**dy ARSKED!" barket Maggot, channeling his inner drill seargent. Nobody had noticed Bob staggering to his feet, until he mumbled "feel the curves!", spread his arms out, and started to run, making "BBBbrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm..." sounds. He ran straight into Maggot, who...

 

 

[turboplanner]

....grabbed him by the ears and head butted him (the F'N'Q kiss principle).

 

Bob staggered back, blood streaming from his noses.

 

"Fourarse not doing so well" said Nob, but Bob a slid sideways, grabbed the empennage of the Thruster and waded in to Maggot Rotax first...................

 

 

[Captain]

"hubba hubba! Cor, will you look at the bits on that one...", with a concussed smile that looked suspiciously like a leer. .........

........... and bugger me (NTTIAWWT) he was right when an 85 Learjet landed short on 09 and slewed to a halt beside the fire.

 

 

 

"Look at the bits on that one" he repeated and he was right again as that particular 85 was fitted with the recently released asymmetric nose-wheel and a pair of the new 411B Pratt & Whitneys.

 

 

 

Then out of the door stepped Whitney Houston and Charlie Pratt, who picked up the Thruster's empennage, reattached it with a couple of oversized rivets in the corroded old holes, ("Did someone call me?" yelled Nanna from the darkness behind the fire) then sidled over to the fire where Whitney discarded her top and said to Bob " Hey, boyo, you plank, noswaith dda, why don't you ................

 

 

[turboplanner]

.............but Bob lost interest as a big knocker hit him in the face.

 

Intrigued by the inevitable "factual" stories of flight MH370's disappearance, the latest being it was a terrorist flight by the Captain who worked out how to evade radar, and kill all the passengers on flight sim and then executed an attack on the fuel tanks on Diego Garcia, whereupon the US military, which whatever aircraft they have based there shot the aircraft down, vacuumed up all the wreckage, and no one talked, Nob the Elder said to Honda San:

 

That remind me of a deal I did with Uncle Doug Macarthur. His job was to crash DC3 full of gold from the Phillipines on to Badu Island, where we stationed in camp. We were to correct gold and give him 'comfort girls'.

 

We think this good deal because 'comfort girls' getting very uncomfortable at time. We say "Put DC3 down on CAPE, but pirot rand in sea. NOt so deep but we only have waders suppry by Army 1.2 metres high, so gold still there, and 'comfort girls' even more uncomfortable in their '90's, and................"

 

 

[Captain]

.......... even worse, some of them are looking for a rest".

 

 

 

The conversation had to stop there when loud applause broke out over near the Natfly Volunteer's tent and came closer, then a dude in a corn pipe, an admiral's hat that was painted brown, and a set of counterfeit Ray Bans strode into the tent.

 

 

 

He was 6' 6" tall with very broad shoulders and just the type of chap that would become a gay icon in years to come (NTTIAWWT).

 

 

 

"Hiiiiiiii everybody" he said excitedly "I am Arthur MacDouglas, the head of the Welsh separatist movement and I embody everything that has made the Welsh nation so dominant throughout the British Isles (or the Welsh homelands as we prefer to call it). So all stand and join me in our Welsh battle hymn "You'll never walk alone" followed by a rousing rendition of "Delilah", let's have the tallest boys at the back, chests out, shoulders back and shout ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...........

 

Tears began to flow down Nob's cheeks, and he said - "See, Aussies still rike an audience. They used to come to Cowla, sing for us, tell story, pantontime, and Chimbu, out late comrade was watching Cowla Girls School Concert and said:

 

"Nob, these Australian can't help showing off; how about we make camla, then go down street and work way out of town"

 

And so quite a big breakaway group on cabbage cutting duty pulled out their cameras, and mesmerised the guards into performing songs while they took photos and promised to sell them back in camp for sixpence each.

 

There were thirty in the cabbage cutting party when they started taking photos and they drifted off until there were only six left, men who had agreed to stay.

 

"Guards will never know difference" said Chimbu, "can't count, they come from Townsville"

 

And they couldn't, and the escapees walked down the main street taking photos, got on the train taking photos, got on a ship bound bfor Bombay taking photos, then one for Japan taking photos.

 

In fact it was so successful that Chimbu Canon decided to make cameras for a living and..................

 

 

[Bob Llewellyn]

...........

In fact it was so successful that Chimbu Canon decided to make cameras for a living and..................

changed his name to Eastman Kodak for commercial purposes. After surviving an assassination attempt by Rank Xerox, he changed his name again to Westman Dakota, and started selling cameras with lenses cloned from Zeiss under the name "Nikon". "Fascinating" sneered Ben Tley, "but why are we all listening to this welsh git, and WHY are there aeroplanes parked all over the active runway?" Just then he saw Whitney's boob, and forgot to speak. "Whose confort girl are YOU then?" Nanna asked Whitney brightly. "Don't call me brighlty! said Whitney. "People always...

 

 

[Captain]

...... say that because they think about my sunny disposition, but little do they know that I recently moved to Aberystwyth (the Cough'sHarbour of Wales) and there is bugger all to ..........

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

it to spell Aberystwyth. In fact there's a whole bunch of local towns around which can cause tonguethtwisthypainfulypgh. There's Farkwyth, which is full of juvenile idiots and old aviation folk who talk more than they fly, and then there's halphwyth which has an exclusion clause for those elitists with IQ's above 90. It is a sister town to wythless...........But Rat and the rest had drifted off as the welsh droned on in the background while Tom Jones Wouldwood (classic welsh name that!) did his thing on the boombox, and by the way, wouldwood...well yes he's definitely shown in the past he would.......anyway as that occurred the US Airforce members wearing 37khz pingers on their heads stealthily approached the planes that had been carelessly abandoned on the active and were just about to head for Diego when the bloody Rump checkers, who we all though had left many posts ago, .......

 

 

[Captain]

...... exposed themselves, resplendent in thwacked rubber gloves (with digits rampant), sequined Casa-Blanca pink lame jump suits and .....

 

 

[Bob Llewellyn]

...... exposed themselves, resplendent in thwacked rubber gloves (with digits rampant), sequined Casa-Blanca pink lame jump suits and .....

high-heeled cowboy boots - the order had been for Bloodstones, but they had to wear what they got. Just then, a roaring throb filled the air, and all heads turned to see - a 60,000 kg Lightwing! In the pilot's seat could hardly be seen Hughie Howes, eyes glinting, muttering "454 kg my but - but they complain it's too slow! Well, now I'm showing them ALL! THEY SAID I WAS MAD!!! Heeeeeer's Hughie!" On the ground, Ratty's eyes glinted with evil. No real reason, they just did. Turbo stood thunderstruck, his head filled with giant rubber ducks. Nanna's eyes glistened with glist, a wonderful contact lense adhesive, though she wore no contacts. Nob screamed "Bonsai! it's a heavywing!". Hy stared at him. "Will you cut that tree pruning clap, it's stuff rike that that gives us a lacial steliotype, you demented plick!" The rump checkers were foaming at the mouths...

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....after Turbo has washed out their mouths with Velvet after an unfortunate comment was made about his new blue fling suit with imitation epaule..............................

 

 

[Guest Maj Millard]

Howeeee continued to bore on in with the 60,000 Kg lultrlite hughie hugger.......hic !..anyone seen bloody Madje he cried..he ordered this thig two month ago to cart around all thirteen board muggers and their tarts, and drinks, and free cars and all th tarts....he wanted to have plenty of fuel or all those bloody boring trips to Nitflug..........hic !..bloody hell here's a free cap...and another....and another

 

 

[turboplanner]

.............and this was how Madge inadvertently leaked what goes on behind the scenes at Ratfly - 4,000 caps = 4,000 fast registrations.

 

But what were these bandages around his hand.

 

"Burnt myself welding, hic" said Madge

 

"Would that have anything to do with an exhaust pipe - which is not part of an engine?" asked Turbo sweetly, and....