The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

... Slartihalfmast is going to teach me how to navigate by counting the......

 

..... by counting the grog shops, which he could name, in detail including all their ABN's, from 8,500 ft.

 

"I know their inventories too" said SlartihalfXXXXed "And I recall that I may have done something a bit silly in a few of those boozers down there west of Gundagai and east of Goolwa ... but I'm off the waggon now, the demon booze doesn't have her claws in me any more, I feel FREE, Halleloojau and praise the Cheetah, I is out from under the Polar Bear's grasp .......... Oops, sorry fellas, I got a bit carried away. Has anyone got any fags?"

 

"Have you thought of joining CWLA*?" asked StraightasadyelanderalwaysstaysontheblackstuffPete.

 

"Awwwww come on dredgeitupagainPete" said the Buttcrack "I'm a cleanskin and haven't bent a nosewheel since about ............................

 

The reputation of the Slarti is in our sights (in the garden, where he flaked last night after too much "Lemon Essence")

 

* - Cross Wind Lander's Anonymous

 

The ahlock fixed Le Crappee's crappy alarm, in the garden, after the storm activated it

 

 

[turboplanner]

....half an hour ago, and it's alright for you to be a smart:censored:rse, but what you probably don't know is that the main Echooga runway, 16 Left and Right was built over the top of the old rail line, and their maintenance hasn't been what it should have been.

 

Therefore, it's no wonder BurningArrowPete can land like the old Riverland Express.

 

"Who?", said Riverland Nan sensing competition, "I was pretty fast in my day too"

 

"Not any more" said Geoff "You couldn't dance the lead in Ross River Fever these days!"

 

Just then Riverland Lass waltzed past.

 

"Geez I wouldn't mind a couple of hours with that" said eagerPete.

 

"Couple of seconds more like it" said El Crapitoon who had noticed a green speck in the sky getting closer and closer from the direction of The Rock.

 

"Could it be?" he said "Do you think he's coming back?" he added looking across at the other scrotum scratchers.

 

"He was definitely overhead taking a look yesterday" said Planey

 

"Who?" asked Jabba who was still in the Riverina having tried to hand prop the Corby Startle 257 times until he had to give up before his arm gave out and his back gave him trouble.

 

"That's the trouble with those things" thought Turbo "the engines are ex - Seagull outboard motors and need a heap of oil mixed in with the fuel, along with two shots of Glenfiddoch to get them started in the morning - he's probably taken a short cut and used Bundy"

 

"Who, dreamer?" repeated Jabba.

 

"Worthless Big Dollars" replied Turbo thinking they were all going to get one hell of a spray when he did finally put pen to paper (or finger to key).

 

"How did he get that name?" asked Jabba.

 

"Shut up, we're not going there" replied El Crapitoon, oversensitive about the lurking Slartifastlander.

 

"Where are we going then" asked Jabba looking across at Ahlovaks who was eating his breakfast, which consisted of a Czech sausage. Turbo noticed the label "Warningcz, this czproduct containze aluminium", but it was too late.

 

BigThong, quite proud of his new name, new status as Mayor's right hand man for the Thong Festival, which the fly in was now called (they'd managed to book Dusty Springfield, which was pretty hard these days, to match the landscaping on day 3) and host to thousands of campers, had painted JABEREWS ONLY on the main runway with arrows pointing to the freshly irrigated Rice paddies each side for everyone else.

 

"That should even things up" he thought, and shuddered slightly as he remembered the Mayor saying they should call the event the Rice Festival to promote local farmers during the Global economic Crisis which what's his name from Canberra was always talking about.

 

He hated to think what would have happened if the CWA had served Camomile during the afternoon tea break, particularly if at the same time he'd had another accident with the M15 trigger while trying to scare possums out of the fruit trees.

 

The green dot came ever closer....

 

 

[Captain]

...."That's the trouble with those things" thought Turbo "the engines are ex - Seagull outboard motors and need a heap of oil mixed in with the fuel, along with two shots of Glenfiddoch to get them started in the morning - he's probably taken a short cut and used Bundy"

............................ The green dot came ever closer....

It was Biggles (theoutboardmechanic) who said "Geezz that's a fluke, is this Coffs Harbour? As there is a bloke up here with a set against Jab's and us Cheetah blokes will take all the help we can get"

 

"But", he added "As a trained professional in the field of Outboard Mechanic-ing-ing, I have heard of the mythical TurboTubby and I have to ask the obvious question ........... that based on your track-record we don't think you have ever heard an outboard running, because the computer says that you stuff 'em before the spark has a chance to get from the coil to the dizzy"

 

Just then the Buggles fixed the Seagull and it burst into life with 1 pull of the string thing.

 

"What's that strange noise" said Tubb "And get the stinguisher (or the ahlox) as there is a lot of unusual smoke about"

 

"Too right, let's have another little drinky-poo" swayed & dribbled Sl*********** (name deleted to protect the innocent).

 

"I'm back" said Boogles "And to think that YOU blokes banned ME"

 

"Not so fast" said ..............................

 

 

[turboplanner]

AHLovaks, nervous about a low wing competitor.

 

"How fast does that thing fly?"

 

"About 40 k's faster than VNE" said the 5thWiggle proudly - he'd fitted a speedo from a Toyota Corolla in place of an ASI "same thing really" he'd said.

 

"Wouldn't that cause wing flutter?" asked Ahlovaks.

 

5thWiggle gave a contemptuous laugh: "the wings are papered - they flutter all the time" he said "want to start trouble?????"

 

El Crapatoo tried to be diplomatic "Must be a lot cooler in the green machine than the shooting star with all that bubble, and there's less chance of falling out through the plastic"

 

AhLovaks bristled...

 

 

[turboplanner]

..and bristled...

 

 

[ahlocks]

and bristled...'cuz night job had him running very late with day job and no time for NES fun at the moment..

 

 

[Captain]

..and bristled...

 

... and was visibly roused to anger, hostility or resistance (Concise Macquarie) .....

 

The workload of the Ahlovac is substantial & impressive ..... in the garden

 

 

[turboplanner]

..however, Turbo wasn't fooled by the story about being too busy on the road to multi-millionaire status to contribute to NES. He painted his aircraft green, missed all the geographic features of the Riverina (and there were many) and sideslipped under the radar past the saleyards and into Wagga Wagga Wagga (sound like a bunch of frogs don't they) in the blackest of nights, using his instruments, which consisted of a Morris Minor speedo, altimeter watch he'd bought by mail order from Hong Kong, vertical speed indicator based on what he'd had for breakfast, artificial horizon he'd made from two three inch nails, a piece of baling twine, and four components from an old clock, a turn indicator he'd bought on Ebay, abd a balance ball he'd picked up after sheep marking.

 

There was a sliver of light coming from one of the hangars, and he peeked in and saw Ahlovaks reading a Czechoslovakian childnren's comic, obviously practicing the Czhechoslovakian language because there was an open Sczportstarlovak manual beside him open at a page headed "Howlovak czto replacovik a popski czrivet"

 

As he looked at the drooping wing of the bubble topped apparition he realised that Ahlovak had been covering for the true reason - that it takes some time to replace 8000 rivets which have popped....

 

 

[Captain]

..There was a sliver of light coming from one of the hangars, and he peeked in and saw Ahlovaks reading a Czechoslovakian childnren's comic, obviously practicing the Czhechoslovakian language because there was an open Sczportstarlovak manual beside him open at a page headed "Howlovak czto replacovik a popski czrivet"

As he looked at the drooping wing of the bubble topped apparition he realised that Ahlovak had been covering for the true reason - that it takes some time to replace 8000 rivets which have popped....

"Hey Crappy" said Stevelovak "What do you reckon has made TinkyWink so critical of the integrity of aluminium works or art?"

 

"He certainly has been frightened by the rivet gun at some stage in his young life. Perhaps that is how he fixes his outboards?"

 

"Yes" he replied "The only thing that has popped off around here is me, after I ate 32 of those Czechoslovakian cabbage rolls."

 

NESmasterstorytellerPete says that I've .........................

 

My aunt's cabbage rolls are dangerous unless eaten in the garden

 

 

[Guest palexxxx]

"Yes" he replied "The only thing that has popped off around here is me, after I ate 32 of those Czechoslovakian cabbage rolls."

 

NESmasterstorytellerPete says that I've .........................

.........says that I've tried those cabbage rolls and the effect is almost the same as the chamomile tea, although a bit more filling."

 

With that baggypantsfullofcrapPete waddled of to find a vacant corner in the hanger.

 

 

[ahlocks]

'Pop, phfeert (oops, ), pop, pop'. Lovak toiled on, readying the SweatStar for the next sortie against the tupperware varmints . "I'll get that anti aluminium terramist, turbotaunter" he thunked.

 

pop, pop, phfert ('scusey ), pop.....splat!! (ehh?,:ah_oh::confused:)

 

"Holy drooping Jab wings it's hot in here and now what's that smell?" Lovak spun around ('cuz tail spins with him are quite the norm :loopy:i_dunno) and saw that he had company.:big_grin::ah_oh:

 

In the corner was a bloke wearing an ill fitting old military uniform (complete with a strange but modern choice of undergarment) who was obviously suffering the effects of too much camomile tea and cabbage rolls.:yuk::ah_oh:

 

"Stopsky gastrostressedPete!" Cautioned Lovak in less than perfect english, "Don't use your ASIC card for that!! It'll only end in tears!!" But it was too late......

 

===============

 

I owe, I owe. Two jobs to work I go....(a symptom caused by having a fettish for aluminium and low wings really..:black_eye:)

 

 

[turboplanner]

"Stopsky gastrostressedPete!" Cautioned Lovak in less than perfect english, "Don't use your ASIC card for that!! It'll only end in tears!!" But it was too late......

.....the ASIC Card bit in at the edges leaving some nast cuts on Shellshocked Pete. It was worse than sword grass.

 

To make matters worse, the ASIC Card Inspector came round the corner with a smirk on his face.

 

"You shouldn't be here, this low winged wonder is a threat to the Nation in the wrong hands, show me your ASIC Card!"

 

Pete, who'd had a hard couple of weeks, which included a complete melt down finally smiled, and flicked the card at the Inspector, who caught it high and then winced as he saw the attachements sliding toward him.

 

"Always happy to produce an ASIC card" said Pete, who was the happiest he'd been for months "This will get the little Hitler out of the Riverina for a while" he thought.

 

Turbo, who'd had first peek at the Slovakmobile and was skulking around the hangar trying to find Outboard pistons offered him a solution to his Camomile problems. "Try some of this Blackberry Nip" he said gently, "it'l' set your guts like concrete"

 

"Why don't you like aluminium?" said PlasticPete "I do said" Turbo

 

"But you've been slagging it for weeks, said Pete. "I must have been taken out of context" said Turbo, who was looking for a ride to Avalon, and had been following a thread with so many twists and turns that he'd decided that even going by car posed the threat of drop ins by pilots who were going to this airfield, no that one at this time, no that time, using this radio procedure, no that radio procedure. Turbo wished them well but rememdered what happened the day he was listening on the Airshow frequency and the Russian pilot had been saying "me now" for 20 minutes, which was obviously all the radio procedure he knew because next thing he screamed into the display area and scattered all the top guns like a flock of chooks.

 

But Turbo digresses: "What do you think of this high quality Smartczar?" asked ConciliatoryPete

 

"Well", said Turbo "it looks very professional and I hear they fly really well, and the rivets don't stand out as much as I thought they did, so it's probably very good for a learner really."

 

Turbo's diplomacy could have been better....

 

 

[ahlocks]

.....Turbo's diplomacy could have been better....

"No, no(sky)!" stuttered Lovak (the stutter could well be a Wagga(x2) thing..) "that will not do do!:ah_oh: For with diplomacy comes political correctness and that would surely put an end to a great sport and source of merryment! The tupperminium games are like shooting fish in a barrel - There's always someone willing to bite!:thumb_up:

 

So Turbotaunter softened, like a jab left in the summer sun, reconsidered his position and....

 

=================

 

the jibes of the Taunter are not out of place - or in the aunts garden

 

 

[turboplanner]

...thought "I better cool it a bit, whatever this Ahlovaks is doing, he's becoming pretty good at striking back. just because a few undereducated professors started discussing the properties of plastics in a most unprofessional way doesn't mean a Jab gets the droops every tiome the sun comes out".

 

But he made a mental note to take 5 degrees off his turns in the future and drain the fuel out on a hot day.

 

His mind went back to Post 842, BigPete in vintage form regretting how the kids of today have missed out on cracker night and making their own fun.

 

He remembered Saturday night at the movies in the old country theatre. The older boys sat up in the back rows of the lounge and brought along a variety of girls from the winner of Miss Localfundraiser, to a bruiser with a bag over her head.

 

Turbo and his mates were kicked down to the front rows, so picture a dark theatre with a couple of rows up the back, a couple of rows down the front and one or two grey nomads who happened to be in town, but would be safely gone tomorrow.

 

Turbo and his mates thought girls were soft because they always cried and groaned terribly in the sad movies and thrillers, but it was odd that they still groaned when there was a comedy on.

 

You didn't look around, because the older boys would come looking for you during the week and belt the Cr:censored: out of you - they really had the upper hand......until one night Jimmy Fredericks smuggled in a possum in a bag crept up towards the back half an hour into the movie, and let it go.

 

The possum went for the light, which meant it had to run over the top of several rows of seats and then the cuddlers.

 

The grains turned to screams and there were clothes and people flyinging in all directions.

 

Turbo thought "You couldn't duplicate that on gameboy"

 

Then there was the day when Turbo and his mates had been on crow duty in the wheat paddock. The crows had become smart enough to fly off as soon as they saw a shot gun come up, but would sit up in the tress just out of rage with looks that said "Hey what's up Bro, are you hootin, shootin or restling?"

 

And it was hot so Turbo decided to have some fun.

 

He set a rabbit trap in the top of an olpen wheat bag, then shot a rabbit and skinned it, by which time (5 hours) he'd caught a crow.

 

He carefully eased the rabbit skin on to the crow, and the last he saw of the whole mob that year was the poor old crow flapping his wings as hard as he could trying to keep up with the mob who were flying out of sight at top speed while looking over their shoulders at what they thought was a hairy monster that could fly!

 

Then there was the time they went fishing. Turbo had borrowed some sticks of gelignite from the shed, because they knew there were fish in the local waterhole, but could never get a bite.

 

While they had all watched stumps being blown out, none of them had paid enough attention to the details (a bit like Jab builders). They got the detonator crimped on to a long length of fues OK, but then couldn't work out how many stickls to use.

 

"I think abour four" said Turbo with an air of authority.

 

For months parents wondered whether they'd missed a flood coming down, or some other natural phenomenong which has caused whole dead trees to be lying around the paddocks, and a huge mound of sticks around the water hole.

 

"None of us said a word", said Turbo, "and nobody ever knew except Sally because I told her in return for a Number 5"

 

"It just wasn't the same today" he thought, but then heard the sound of an approaching Jabareyou flown by FearlessPete and having a distinctly upward curving wing configuration...

 

 

[Captain]

.."It just wasn't the same today" he thought, but then heard the sound of an approaching Jabareyou flown by FearlessPete and having a distinctly upward curving wing configuration...

... "and while we are on this melancholy recollection kick" said the Skipper, "I can almost remember when I used to be able to remember stuff clearly".

 

"That's nothing" said RepeateshimselfPeat "I was and am still a trained killer. Just come flying with me and I'll show you"

 

"Oh no" said Tink it's 36.4C and that means that any fibre composite thingy might be likely to fail ('cause it's on the internet), even FA18's and A380's, so what are we to do ... as the luminimium plane's bits pop off too."

 

"That's why I bought an aluminiminium piece of sculpture" said Vokky "As I have done the sums and just imagine if I had a Jab on a hot day and let fly with the product of them Czecko Cabbage Rolls. It could be a ......................"

 

The heads of the rivets are in my aunt's garden

 

 

[ahlocks]

... It could be a ..........."

..."an airbus with all that internal hot air ('scuzy :yuk:) inflating it!" boasted lovak.

 

And while contemplating interweb facts, could the bunderjab factory add some blue pills to the resin mix as a stiffener? And is it true that aluminium is reported to affect one's memory?

 

'What's his name' shot back with a rapid reply...

 

==============

 

The droop of the Jab is more than a thong (might have to explain this one )

 

 

[Captain]

..'What's his name' shot back with a rapid reply...

"Since the Lass has given me the flick at Narromine I have a heap of those blue pills available" replied Planey "I use them to hold the door open in the back passage" he added and then also added "That's in "the" back passage, not "my".

 

"Hey Geoff. Tell Planey that I have some time, and a Webster Pack, available" said Suzette when she looked over Le Crepe's shoulder.

 

"Ziss all goes to prove that all good Skippys sit by their computers on Stay-ya Day, doesn't it. mon ami" said Tink in his best french.

 

"Wee ... oh sorry, I .......................................

 

Ze Creecket starts soon, mon ami, on zee Tellee in mon Tante's small provincial french courtyard

 

 

[Bigglesworth]

Sorry for the false alarm folks...... you jumped the gun when you thought Big-stories-les had rejoined the welter of words that make up the highly esteemed NES.

 

But now he is back for a sepcial guest appearance (can I get a big HELL YEAH for that?){he's a bit busy to be a regular anymore}

 

Yer see what happened....... Big-coutry-music-fan-les was in Tamworth (Bigglesworth/Tamworth, whats the difference???)

 

And checking out the <s>girls in</s> the Telstra tent, and noticed FREE internet access.

 

Navigated immediately to www.rmwilliams.com.au/hot_girls_with_aeroplanes .........(can Admin give us a running tally on the number of people who try to click on that link?)....................

 

Got kicked out...........of the site by some filter on the computer. Actually thay also blocked Hotmail, I got a proxy working, and got to the sign in page, but it blocked javascript and cookies, and hotmail needs a Java with some Cookies.

 

Was going to stick a boot stick into its........usb port..... get online check my email, then really infect the computer just to show them what should happen to all censors. Present company excluded of course........

 

Pity I didn't bring my boot stick.

 

The point of this is that while the NES could be called up, and read, (and WTF, Bignoise can't leave quietly can he?) and then a nice? long reply written, IT DIDN"T POST IT..... PRI__S.

 

So much for censorship.

 

DOWN WITH CLEAN FEED

 

[seriously folks, look up clean feed and mail shotgun shells to your local member if he doesn't take the side of freedom. We'll exchange them for some refugees who want freedom]

 

Then again, if they do bring in Clean feed (BASTARDS.....) I'll be in full time work cracking it for any red-blooded Australian who stands for freedom, and isn't that the reason we are pilots?

 

Where was the author? Oh, he's over there. Got back from Tamworth a few hours ago, with a score-card of 6 days of partying and 3 nights sleep.

 

And a few new phone numbers.

 

Not much with aeroplanes up there, although one local said that he knew where a twin did a forced landing and that the engines could easily be pinched and it would make the Cheetah go where no man or Cheetah has ever gone before.

 

Another local said he had a spare lawnmover engine if I was interested......Told them when you're on a perfect thing, stick to it. And took another swig on my $9 can of Bundy, when there was free beer tasting in the truck outside.

 

Back home now, driving 11 hours in double demerts........ Join me in a rousing chorus of the old McDonalds ad: "Bacon, Bacon, Bacon. Bacon, Bacon, Bacon"

 

Can't outrun them down here..... need the plane.

 

Hey, what about one of those aerocar things? Past the Highway Patrol, Flashing lights.....flip a switch (and a finger) and Sayonara, donut munchers: go do something useful for once. Like stopping and helping someone broken down, picking up hitchhikers and practising how to be less of a b****d.

 

Good story (true for once) Older bloke, random breath test, can't find license in his wallet, he wasn't doing anything wrong, so the friendly cop wrote him a ticket. Meanwhile his wife found the license for him, but too late, once started, a ticket needs to be written......

 

NED KELLY FOR KING

 

Thats enough,

 

Keep it country, and don't let the b****ds think they're winning.

 

Redneck, blue skies and FREEDOM

 

 

[Captain]

So Biggles0.5centsworth, has blown in, given a Trip Report in the NES (and I assume there is a humorous NES story in the Trip reports Thread) and he appears to be just the same loveable young chap that he was before he was suspended without pay.

 

"So why did he drive up to Tamworth?" asked Le Crepe "When the Boggles could have easily just flown his greenie into the airport there, even though it is against the rules?"

 

"Just flip 'em the bird, mate" said a helpful NES contributor "After all, does anyone REALLY worry about what the rules say when there is a mechanical bull to be rode and a Country lass to be ...........................

 

PS And to think that these young rebels are the Liberal voters (and Parliamentarians) of the future

 

The rules of the air are torn up and scattered in the garden

 

 

[turboplanner]

...dehorned.

 

Turbo was very pleased to see Bigglediggle back in print. "Better cut down on the steroids BW" he said "that trip report came out like water from a fire hose"

 

"How fitting he should come back on Australia Day - we'll have to get it renamed Bigglesworth Day" he said "There's be a lot more non conventional celebrating"

 

"And where did you get booked BW?" he asked sensing there had been a close encounter of the unkind on the way back.

 

Life would never be dull again......"but watch out Bigless, the evil Starifarti just put in a trip report and views of what appear to be the Kimberleys together with photos on a dashboard out of a Nissan Cabstar truck, and he even claimed a smooth landing, although there were no witnesses, so he's catching up" said Turbo.....

 

 

[Bigglesworth]

azza madda ovact (for Aus. day, sound it out), Big-rev-head didn't get booked, but had to drive UNDER the speed limit for 11 hours. He still has 6 points left (half full or half empty) which is a respectable amount, but due to double demerits, even the smallest fine would completely get rid of the ticket to the airport.

 

PS He intends to fly up as soon as he can land outside the pub, crawls out of the pub at 3 in the morning, sleep in the back, then crawl back in in the morning. Unless the pub down the road has a better band, in which case its a small drive before the same crawl and same price for more bundy......

 

Practices are not open for public viewing, but if the wind is at Vlanding speed across the car park, it might happen next year.

 

And as any keen rec flying history student would know (its in the rec flying history exam) if Bigtroubles posts anything anywhere else, he gets shot down, suspended, has stories told about him while he isn't there. Well actually IS there, sorry Admin. Anyway

 

Lets sing the national anthem:

 

Last plane out of sydney's almost gone........

 

 

[ahlocks]

.... has stories told about him while he isn't there. Well actually IS there,...

C'mon bingles, :raise_eyebrow: fess up. You loved every minute of it.

 

Never had it so good in fact. Centre of attention and all that.:star:

 

So, with Binglet 'ripping' back into the NES, thoughts turned to La Krapatain, who was busily studying the complete online guide to keelhauling.....

 

===============

 

Full of sound and fury, signifying.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....while picking his teeth with a galvanised nail, and carefully studying the coefficient of elasticity of the Jaberooooooooooooo to see whether he can fly before winter.

 

The fifth Wiggle seemed to be in fine form, but where was AvalonPete????

 

 

[ahlocks]

. to see whether he can fly before winter.

"Sigh.. go easy taunter". groaned lovak. "We've got 38 ~ 41 degree days for for the next week. The only use the sweatstsar is going to get is to be sublet to McPukes for frying McEggs on the wings.

 

Maccas can't use Jabadroop wings 'cuz the eggs keep slidiing off ......:devil:

 

=====================

 

The pen in the garden is to keep the guineapigs in

 

 

[turboplanner]

In a flash TowbarPainter realised they'd found the barbeque plate for the Echewka fly in. "Mind if we borrow your nice aluminium fantastic?" he asked innocently, while thinking "It could do with a few redgum logs under it"

 

No one was quite sure if Wiglet had heard about the fly in, so they made a decision to tell him the rules were the same as for the Avalon Airshow and refer him to the thread.

 

"Wading through all those arguments, fine points and graphic explanations should keep him occupied until well after the event" said Towbar.

 

"You're wrong" said HihoSilver "If SuperBig turns up in the green machine he could well be the star of the show. Just paint some imitation rust spots on it and call it an ME109.

 

"And", continued Mr Silver, who had been rather quiet lately "we could put some money together for a taxi to go to Swan Hill and bring back Caroline and do some boot scootin"

 

Poor old HardworkingPete had already cut down half the Barmah Forest for firewood to suit the very picky visitors, and thought that was a great idea because he should be able to convince BigL and Caroline to sing a few older George Jones and Tammy Wynette duets, particularly Cryin' Time which was a favourite of OldPete.

 

However, all were rudely interrupted by...