The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.......Barrista called in sick at the BoB, Ahthreeshot filled in, putting his grandma's table spoon of coffee to each cup. None of her friends ever drank coffee after the first time, but Ahlot took to it like a goat to a strawberry patch, so didn't know any different. Ratso had turned up at the Bob after a night at the Henty BNS quaffing Bacardi and coke and trying to pass himself off as 18, but the chicks had given him a wide berth, so he figured he needed a few coffees.

 

The result was predictable - there was a twang and the broken rubber band splashed into the punch bowl, which .........

 

While this old piece of folklore was written before Ratso's time, it is actually quite a fitting description of a day in the life of the rodent:

 

A country dog once came to town

 

His Christian name was Pete

 

His pedigree was long

 

And his looks were hard to beat

 

 

As he trotted down the road

 

Was beautiful to see

 

His work on every corner

 

His work on every tree

 

 

He watered every gateway

 

And never missed a post

 

For piddling was his masterpiece

 

And piddling was his boast

 

 

The city dogs all stood and stared

 

With jealousy and rage

 

To see a simple country dog

 

The piddler of the age

 

 

They sniffed beneath his stumpy tail

 

Their praise for him ran high

 

But when one sniffed beneath

 

Pete piddled in his eye

 

 

Then to show the city dogs

 

He didn’t give a dam

 

He walked into the grocer shop

 

And piddled on a ham

 

 

He piddled on the onions

 

He piddled on the floor

 

And when the grocer kicked him out

 

He piddled on the door

 

 

Behind him all the city dogs

 

Decided what they’d do

 

They’d hold a piddling carnival

 

To see the stranger through

 

 

They showed him all the piddling posts

 

They knew about in town

 

But Pete just piddled on and on

 

And wore the champions down

 

 

For Pete was with them in every trick

 

With vigour and with vim

 

A thousand piddles more or less

 

Were just the same to him

 

 

On and on Pete sought new ground

 

In which to lay the dust

 

Till every other dog was dry

 

And gave up in disgust

 

 

But on and on went noble Pete

 

To water every sandhill

 

Then Pete an exhibition gave

 

Of all the ways to piddle

 

 

Like double drops and fancy drips

 

And now and then a dribble

 

And all the time the country dog

 

Did never wink or grin

 

 

But piddled blithely out of town

 

As he had piddled in..................

 

 

[Captain]

.......The result was predictable - there was a twang and the broken rubber band splashed into the punch bowl, which ..........

....... caused Daffyydd to comment "And there your ignorant plonkers go again, not fully reading and understanding the 640 pages of the relevant design standard, which states:

 

The use of the word "piddle" shall ipso facto be restricted to 10 kilonewtons of biaxial forces and "widdle" shall be a preferred alternative, except during a new moon when anyaxial shall be used where a turbine is the be installed in a drifter, after which the 12 incher shall be consulted, but only when a nor-easter is blowing and the cattle are in the corn.

 

Rule 26, subsection 56 (Daffyydd's favourite), superceded by CASA Rule W (a) subsection N (K) e.r., as amended.

 

"I reckon that "The Piddling Pup" is a great poem by Banjo Lawson" commented Salty.

 

"You see, there you go again" interjected Daffyyydd "Enjoying your conversation harmlessly having fun with your mates, when you haven't read and understood the 'Basics of Poetry" version 6 issue 12 unabridged, as amended where drips, dribble, dog and grin don't rhyme in accordance with The Poetry design Code 756 as amended, not to mention the NES writer's code of practice 1276, Clause 56,i.iii.(vi).24.69.181.

 

"But what about the lacka band" said AhPox as he fixed another of Ratsack's doors that had sagged up.

 

"That's not possible" said Daffyydd "Under the Design Code of Gravity, section 34.7.d.(I).(e) 29 which proves that heavy stuff falls towards the ground (AvRef) as amended."

 

"Do youze reckon that we can get a lacka band to go around his neck" asked Ratso, to which Daffyydd replied ".....................

 

 

[turboplanner]

..........No, but I an find one which will fit around your tongue!"

 

"It's amazing" said Turbo " that Ratso, a mere rodent, mangy, dirty, underfed, and smelling like a urinal, has been able to absorb and remember Regulations, Rules and Codes (RRC's) and quote them with such precision, second only to the great Welsher who........................."

 

 

[Captain]

..........No, but I an find one which will fit around your tongue!""It's amazing" said Turbo " that Ratso, a mere rodent, mangy, dirty, underfed, and smelling like a urinal, has been able to absorb and remember Regulations, Rules and Codes (RRC's) and quote them with such precision, second only to the great Welsher who........................."

....... regards your beloved Ratso as a pleb (plebeian - 1. common, working-class, lower-class, proletarian, ignoble, lowborn, 2. uncultivated, mean, low, base, coarse, vulgar, unrefined, non-U , commoner, peasant, proletarian, common man, man in the street, Collins Thesaurus of the English Language – Complete and Unabridged 2nd Edition. 2002 © HarperCollins Publishers 1995, 2002, as superseded by version 2.3.7.5.i and amended lots of other times) who is mangy, dirty, underfed, grotty, pox-ridden, yucky and smells like a urinal, but that is all OK because Ratty does so fully in accordance (Ratty has a chit signed by 3 LAME's and a bloke with just a slight limp who did an independent 4th check) with Amdt. 23-7, 34 FR 13095, Aug. 13, 1969, as amended by Amdt. 23–15, 39 FR 35460, Oct. 1, 1974; Amdt. 23–17, 41 FR 55465, Dec. 20, 1976; Amdt. 23–18, 42 FR 15041, Mar. 17, 1977; Amdt. 23–29, 49 FR 6847, Feb. 23, 1984; Amdt. 23–43, 58 FR 18973, Apr. 9, 1993; Amdt. 23–51, 61 FR 5137, Feb. 9, 1996.

 

But then again, who am I to assert that ................

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....this is correct?"

 

"Good point e-Ratic" said F's n L's because you have well and truly screwed up - the correct rule includes Fr 18973, and without that you would be labelled a non- compliant goose."

 

"GOOSE?" asked Philpom "WHO THE HELL CALLED ME A goose?" "Why when I was camped in..............."

 

 

[Captain]

.....this is correct?"

"Good point e-Ratic" said F's n L's because you have well and truly screwed up - the correct rule includes Fr 18973, and without that you would be labelled a non- compliant goose."

 

"GOOSE?" asked Philpom "WHO THE HELL CALLED ME A goose?" "Why when I was camped in..............."

...... the 3rd float of the G&L Mardi Gras (which was sponsored by the Bange-It-Holme Progress Association & the Dandenong Chamber of Commerce), where our theme was "Camping for the Camp at Heart ..... NTTIAWWT" lots of unkind folk called me the F's and L's words, but I stood up for myself under Rule Fr 18973 whereupon my possum & chamois lap-lap fell to one side, revealing ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......Clause 57 (a) (iii) tattooed on my.......................

 

 

[Captain]

.......Clause 57 (a) (iii) tattooed on my.......................

......... copy of the relevant national design code, which Ratface had rammed into my ............

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Meanwhile shatso and wife had wandered off to M'NQ, not having the guts to go further N and in any event we only wanted winter warmth, without the skin cancer.....As we visited Great Keppel Island, which us southerners would more realistically call tired and daggy Keppel Island due to the run down stuff which more accurately might be Better called never run again down, but anyway, as we wandered away from the airport we were accosted by the NES Philpon GOOSE who was very keen to check on my clause 57(a)(iii) to ensure it was fully up to date from an amendment status, however Shatso was having none of it and was photographed manhandling the goose away from his possum skin loin cloth.

 

(Photo to be added just as soon as shatso works out how to get a photo onto the bloody iPad from the point and click used by the wife as she feared my productive days were over!)

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

And here are the photos as promised:-

 

Here the NES Goose is advising that under CASA ramp checking rules, to present your clause 57(a)(iii) for inspection

 

 

Here Andy can be seen to be disputing the NES GOOSE's authority to inspect, which seemed to enrage the goose to the point that a quick inspection was carried out despite Andy's protestations to the contrary

 

 

And finally faithful reader Andy can be seen clearly identifying to all who were present who was top goose!

 

 

 

[AVOCET]

Goosy Goosy gander , where shall I wander , up there , down hear , in the avocets hanger .

 

Never to fly again ,

 

Cause it's a one mans show ,

 

Theirs to much talk of danger .........

 

 

[Captain]

So............ Just for the record, the regular NES'ers include Ratso, Shatso, Turdo, Wine-o, Schlongo (Sluggo), Poxo, Wellshhho, Bullo, Eeeeeenoh, Aircrafto, and......

 

 

[Captain]

Goosy Goosy gander , where shall I wander , up there , down hear , in the avocets hanger .Never to fly again ,

 

Cause it's a one mans show ,

 

Theirs to much talk of danger .........

..... which could end up as slander if anyone mentions stranger danger because of what the Exocet did to the gander in the manger when in wandered ..........

 

 

[Captain]

BREAKING NEWS

 

Social media is abuzz with the following news stories:

 

Shatso has been booked by the combined CASA/RSPCA inspector for chasing a goose at in excess of the posted speed limit in his photo 3 in post #9310.

 

Shatso has also received a 3 month ban for those shorts. (And is a little splodger evident in those shorts after the initial goose attack in pic #2?)

 

 

[turboplanner]

BREAKING NEWS brought to you by the SHOUTING Philpom: RSPCA Dierctor, Who Worthless has announced that Shatso has been officially charged with "Goosing"

 

"It was a tame goose" said Who, a cousin of Madge, "Luckily we weren't sent on a wild goose chase, or

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

Other wastes of time. Oh buggero that replied Shatso, had I been the 12inchero then as described quite a few times before I may well have been divided and conquered to 4inchers or less, however I did note that when the goose was held firmly by the neck such that breathing was merely desirable if not possible that vocal cries and complex hissing seemed to fade away to nothing.

 

Ratso wondered loudly if the same approach could be used with the grand poobah of the CASA Sports Aviation team when in some meetings it was noted that goose like noises were being made.

 

Tubso laughed and said........

 

 

[turboplanner]

".........if it walks like a gooso, flaps like a gooso, and honks like a gooso................................"

 

 

[Captain]

".........if it walks like a gooso, flaps like a gooso, and honks like a gooso................................"

...... it is most likely an over-inflated duck with a gooso complex (or fetish), a bit like ............

 

 

[Captain]

I'm sorry to break in here fellows, but there is a Dress Code that needs to be read and understood about Shatso's shorts as displayed in his 3 photos.

 

 

 

In addition there is a Code Of Decency (version 38.i.e) about having those legs out in a public place and potentially within 56.89996 m of kiddies (as defined in the National Kiddie Code V616).

 

 

 

You also need to read and be totally familiar with the design brief that sits behind the fact that in photo 3, the goose is flying in ground-effect (AvRef) and the inherent danger that presents to flutter of the feathers within 56.89 mm of the goose's ding (and near to where it looks like Shatso is planning to plant his boot).

 

 

 

And that road sign in photo 3 (as amended) is not of sufficient height to comply with the NSW & Qld Roadside sign code of 1999 as amended heaps of times.

 

 

 

Hope this helps and lightens up the discussion Dd Ll.

 

 

[turboplanner]

But D2L2 had far more weighty issues on his mind when Turbo called in for a rum and coffee. "I am trying to fit a 150 hp Honda outboard to the Blemish" he said, and Turbo nodded seriously and maintained a straight face, finally bursting into a splutter of laughter he couldn't contain. "That will be a problem" he said because Roads and Marine Services of NSW have banned fitting outboards to vehicles after some young hoons from Sydney's west hooked up two 200 hp Mercurys to a Toyota Soarer and start doing donuts on full lock without the tire smoke, making it hard for police to determine of they were under Paragraph 62 clause 15 in fact hooning".

 

"And" he continued "as a reult of this incident your Blemish has now been deemed to be a road vehicle because it has an exhaust as spelled out in 67, (i), (iv) (a),

 

and what's more, because of this, now requires a muffler, and ........

 

You have to marvel at nature, and how clever some animals are. In post #9310 keen observers will have noticed that the second goose is not running, and is getting ready to eat again, because it has been able to judge the precise distance Shatso is capable of running.

 

 

[Captain]

You have to marvel at nature, and how clever some animals are. In post #9310 keen observers will have noticed that the second goose is not running, and is getting ready to eat again, because it has been able to judge the precise distance Shatso is capable of running.

You are spot-on Tink,and in addition, goose #2 had also accurately estimated the slope of the hill up which Shatso had to run. (Relax everyone as I am pleased to be able to confirm that slope and distance where calculated by the Goose in accordance with all relevant Codes, as was the estimate of "Puffed-ness de Shatso" (known colloquially under the Ozzie imperial measure as "Shagged-after-running-a-short-distance-uphill-was-Andy"), which was factored-in by the Goose's dextrous use of the French version 7.5 of the ASTM Puffed-ness Standard (as abridged and translated).

 

 

 

BUT, dear reader, is it just me or do you also detect that Shatso may have photo-shopped those 3 picys to include fearsome looking knob-biting geese instead of the more harmless pigeons that were actually around that pond?

 

 

 

 

PS ...... Photo #3 is a revelation as Andy has never been seen to move so quickly before .......... except when it came time to question the RAA's expert Treasurer at the last EGM.

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

a method of ensuring that the prop tips, which seem a tad small for this job, don't break the sacrificial split pin if they happen to hit a sandbank, or log while the blemish is on climb, most of us fliers do worry about gravel impacts on props, but rarely do we need concern ourselves that a pebble will suddenly have the prop windmilling at a critical time, which in the blemish is anytime after you've climbed in.......because with all the approved manuals on board most pilots need to weigh somewhere between -60kg and -100kg which requires a sphincter muscle more toned than the average, and a bottle or 2 of helium before take off.....oh and whatever you do don't respond to anything ATC may say to you they just will never take your responses seriously, unlike........

 

P.S Andy was not puffed, as is oft the case with Rec Flyers, we can go to places at paces far in excess on the earthbound bunch.....but when finally there, 8-15km's per day via shanks pony is the order of the day unless you think the roads are wide enough for your wingspan, the car parks are generous, and Mr Plod is not going to blink an eye as the J230 passes him on the straight stretch...... They say a photo tells a thousand words, but in this case really there are a few missing, for you don't see the rings that Andy ran around the aforementioned goose....the wife was too busy collapsing with O2 depravation due to excessive laughing! to actually capture said rings...but as a valued NES Author Im sure you can take me at my word!

 

 

[Guest Andys@coffs]

P.P.S

 

This pub in FFFWQ was the only place that I felt the local plod....who wasn't local by any stretch of the imagination....was unlikely to cause me any issues as I cruised down the road to the hitching post..... and in any event when Mr Plod were to explain to the magistrate that I was absolutely flying down the road.....there's every chance he was technically correct.....

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

...but as a valued NES Author Im sure you can take me at my word!

Too right Andy and those geese/pigeons took no time at all to get the whole sorry story out there on hashtag #Geeseattackedbyblokeinshorts (it looks like the grey one was a social media junkie), and on GooseFlying.com.au where your story has been totally vindicated.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Not only that, but one poster (AndyS@HardRockCafe) has posted that you not only beat the first goose, but the second one and actually caught up with a chick, and.............