The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

........sunbaking under the path of...........

 

 

[Captain]

........sunbaking under the path of...........

..... the 6.05 REX Saab from Melbourne.

 

 

 

"Geeez Louise, Mummy" said the little kid in 6A while looking down and rejoicing in the Riverina countryside around WW, but as they headed further in on approach and over a certain questionable building on The Esplanade, he was shocked and added "Hey Mummy. Why does that fireman have his dacks around his ankles and his ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

tattoos shining in the sun" and then exclaimed "You wouldn't believe it but ........................"

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......I've just seen a lifeboat!".

 

With the Civil War over, the fledgling United States of America began to extend its feelers around the world.

 

Rafer Hoxworth Turbine owner the ship “Venus” and was making big profits taking tobacco from Virginia to China, spices from China to India, clothing from India to Africa, and slaves from Africa to Virginia.

 

As his ship surged ahead in front of the storm, he was troubled because his crew couldn’t be bothered learning about navigation, never did their pre-sailing checks, and the ship was overloaded and hanging down in the stern.

 

“Captain Ratburgger” he called “When do ye expect to land in Virginia?”

 

“On the morrow, early” replied his Captain, a scrawny individual with a gold tooth.

 

In the early hours of the morning Virginia crashed into the good ship Venus, or that’s what Captain John (“Jack”) Ratburgger entered in the ships log.

 

The men scrambled for the lifeboat, Jack first, followed by the crew. The brake Rafer stayed until the ship was listing so badly there was no hope, then lightly jumped into the boat. “The dog”, cried Dr Bryon Whipple “The dog, we have to get the dog”

 

“We’re already overweight, and our balance is sore affected” snapped Captain Jack

 

Two sailors volunteered to stay on the sinking ship, the dog was dragged aboard, and they were on their way.

 

The dog was hideous, with bulging eyes, a short nose, short coupled body, was prone to outbreaks of rage, followed by snoring next to the Wheel. Dr Whipple had named him Bull.

 

As the days went by with no sight of land, and the merciless sun stripping the skin off their emaciated carcasses, Rafer Hoxton Turbine thought of his sweetheart Carrol, who he called Kazz for short.

 

“If we get out of this I’m going to ask her to marry me” he thought.

 

But the hot days went on until they were out of food.

 

“We’ll eat the dog” said one of the crew, but just then Bull farted, and the smell was so bad that they all hung their heads over the side of the boat.

 

This was fortuitious because one of the men saw a British Man’0’War coming towards them, and stood up “yelling…………………”

 

 

[Captain]

......... what's the good of a bloody jellyfish at a time like this?"

 

 

 

"That's a Portuguese Man-o-War you dill" cried Rafer with an attitude similar to Tink on WreckFrying. "A British Man-of-War is just a poxy little Blue-Bottle that wears a cravat."

 

 

 

"No, you drongo" replied Cap'n Jack "It's a bloody big ship with guns that can ..............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nobu giving an almost identical impersonation of Capt. Jack Starling. "I couldn't tell him from the real Capt. Jack" said bull "they are absorutery the same broke, I leckon ". (My aunt thinks that bull believes that it was Jackie Chan who impersonated Johnny Depth while he played Cap'n Jack in Tink's latest relapse to the not so Civil War ..... see part of the original script in Tink's post # 10129)."

 

 

 

 

 

 

A picture of Tink's good ship Venus as described in his post # 10129. This vessel was historically significant in that with anything bigger than a 200 mm chop it also became the U-XIXVII.

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......blow a sparrow out of the water at sixteen miles."

 

The emaciated men were hauled up on to the deck of the Man’0’War.

 

“Leave the dog!” they all cried, but the Captain, looking at that ugly face with its Mick Jagger lips covered in blue veins, said “What a beautiful dog, I’ll take him under my wing”, and in later life took him back to Britain, crossed him with a Pekinese and made a fortune out of selling British Bull-Dogs.

 

“Where are we?” asked Captain Jack Ratburgger.

 

“We’ll be docking in Virginia Beach within the hour” replied the MOW Captain.

 

“I can’t see land anywhere” said Captain Jack “how do you know?”

 

The MOW Captain replied condescendingly “Because of those tens of thousands of coastal sea birds up there” (pointing to the sky)

 

[Ed Note: While not an avref, this is an abject lesson in the perils of not studying Taits Marine Navigation. The foolish Captain Ratburgger had left his wreck on the Virginia shore and sailed the lifeboat out to sea, all the while cursing the birds who were crapping all over him. Worse, the two sailors left behind had walked to Virginia Beach, gone to the Courthouse, claimed salvage on the wreck and its valuable cargo, and sold the rights to a trendy gay from Potts Point, making enough to buy their own ship, which now sat glistening against the wharf at Virginia Beach. There was even enough money for Captain Little, as he now was, to buy a jump suit with a set of gold epaulettes]

 

Rafer Hoxton Turbine strode ashore and made for the home of his beloved Kazz.

 

When she opened the front door she fainted, and a while later recovered enough to groan, “Oh No!” I thought you were dead Rafer, I’m to be married next Sunday to the Reverend Gnarly Hale, but we'll set an extra plate for you at the reception.

 

Now Gnarly was a Calvinist and they were some of the most extreme bible thumpers in creation, and………….

 

 

[Bryon]

.........although prone to speaking in tongues could pronounce Bang-it-home in at least 6 languages

 

This upset the F'n'Qers greatly who........

 

 

[turboplanner]

......were only used to their own dialogue of single syllable words.

 

Rafer flew down the hill in a rage, went to the nearest bar and got drunk, then joined a poker game and won two thousand pounds, bought the brand new ship off Captain Little, telling him he could keep his epaulettes, and set sail with his crew for Hawai’i, where he hoped to start a pineapple farm and surf shop.

 

Six months after his arrival in Hawai’i, Rafer Hoxforth Turbine owned a pineapple plantation and had the contract to bring immigrants from American to feed the demand for retail stores and hotels at Waikiki.

 

Captain Jack Ratburgger had been remanded into custody for exposing himself on Kalakaua Avenue, and was brought before the Judge Mr Planey Fried who, on hearing his name said “Ratburgger – that sounds too German to me, I think we’ll call you Jack Rat, which is more in keeping with this case, which is rather a minor one, and sentenced him to one week community service polishing the constabulary saddles.

 

Little Johnny Loxoff, the Corporal’s son had arrived from Boston on one of Rafer’s trips and was busy setting up what he called an “International Market” on Kalakaua Avenue. People laughed at him; “Who would want to come to this hole to buy anything” said Marty who couldn’t see any good in anything [but he was proved to be so wrong over the next century, and Little Johnny’s International Market profits were to be the financial foundation of the City of Wagga Wagga in New South Wales]

 

Rafer also had a contract to bring in Chinese immigrants, because the native Hawaiians thought it was smart to heat hot stones and bury good food, which came out hours later full of sand. The Governor thought Chinese takeaways would be faster and cheaper.

 

On one of these passages was a beautiful young Chinese girl Ah Kee. The Kee family is still very prominent in Hawaii today.

 

Many Chinese are inscrutible, but Ah Kee was very scrutible, and she met Little Johnny Loxoff. She was the key to his lock so to speak, so they shacked up together, and she ran a pineapple Treat store at the market.

 

Many immigrants were coming on Rafer’s ships also from Japan, and on board one for these was Nobushi the Elder, from Takamachi.

 

Nobushi ran a camera shop in Waikiki, and commuted every day from Pearl Harbour, where he pursued his hobby of photography, soon having a remarkable collection of the features of the Harbour.

 

The Ali’I Nui, “Flying Vision”, looked over the little town of Honolulu and could see a vibrant future for her people, if only Jack Rat could behave himself and…..

 

 

[Captain]

....... not keep rabbiting on about the potential for a surfing industry here'abouts.

 

 

 

"You're a dickhead, Jack" said Little Johnny Roxoff when he heard what Jack was sprouting at the Pineaplle Treat and Tart store. (Ah was the Treat & Johnny was the Tart). Little JR then added "My uncle is Duke Katana-Moto and he also says that you are a wanka". (This discussion, dear reader, is very un-Moderator-like and is almost identical to what Ahlow says to poor Ratty when they discuss various subjects every time that they meet for coffee and cake each week .......... and that is why Ratty lacks self-confidence).

 

 

 

"That's poppycock, and any other 'c0ck that you can think of " decreed Turbine (AvRef), who was always willing to grind poor Ratty (NTTIAWWT) down, while at the same time he bought a very substantial minority shareholding (and a silent directorship that was described in an unregistered side-letter) in Jack Rat's new company, which was called ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

........."Billabong"

 

"I don't think it would be such a good idea to locate the first megastore on the windward side of Molohai'i" said Turbine diplomatically.

 

"You're supposed to be a SILENT Director roared" Jack Rat "What's wrong with a little wind?"

 

"The wind's OK" said Turbine, it's just that there are no people on Moloka'i, no water and no trees"

 

"Well there's an opportunity" replied Jack, and they went down to Waikiki where they saw a wizened little "Old Madge", one of Rafer's old crew, sitting folornly at a stand in the International Market trying to sell little wooden hula girl models with paper skirts.

 

"That's about all the skirt you'll ever see" said Rafer, "How would you like to manage a real business?"

 

"I'll give you young Hoxforth; you might be able to get him off the surf beaches"

 

And so Hawaiian Green was formed, and brought millions of Queensland shrubs to Hawaii for the next few decades.

 

Unfortunately it was young Hoxforth who led old Madge astray, and one night down on the strip......

 

[Most people don't realise that before the modern inflow of peoples the Hawaiian Islands were virtually a windswept landscape with grasses, shrubs and small stunted trees. Today, in the Honolulu Botanical Gardens, most of the big trees come from Queensland seeds.]

 

 

[Captain]

For the interest of casual readers of the NES, who are fascinated and enthralled by the characters described herein, the beloved but sensitive Jack Rat also opened a very successful Cider vending business (see photo below) which dominated the economy and politics of the islands for many dynasties. He is extremely modest and would never provide details, but I can say here that some time in the last 75 years one of Jack Rat's offspring has been President and another was a long serving Prime Minister of Austria.

 

 

 

[Captain]

....... they sat on the outdoor area of the Kīlauea Aeroclub and Volcano Shelter (where the members complained at Turbine's description of it just being just a "strip").

 

 

 

"Turbine doesn't really have a clue" said one of the members "As this is more like an international airport which is located downwind from the ..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbo humbly apologises for misspelling Captain Ratt's name and can confirm that everything he says is true. Personally, Turbo wouldn't have raised the subject of President Clinton, who hinted at an Australian connection, and for a moment considered retiring here until Turbo warned him about the dark secret in his family history, which would make Monica Lewinsky seem like merely a flutter.

 

 

[turboplanner]

....Ala Wah canal which carries the sewage of Honolulu into the sea at Waikiki Beach, where.........

 

 

[Captain]

....Ala Wah canal which carries the sewage of Honolulu into the sea at Waikiki Beach, where.........

..... where it is collected and made into house-bricks for the poor by the Hawaiian Greens.

 

 

 

Sarah Handjob-Kohanamoocow rushed in front of the TV crew and said "We love our excreta-bricks, in which I am pleased to announce that Turbine has taken a substantial minority shareholding, and has leant his prestigious name so that for marketing purposes they will be known as © Turdy .........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......Bricks, and I will promote them in the Australian Parliament as Turdy Brick awards for every time someone talks about refugees without acknowledging the traditional owners of this country, the Immigration Lawyers, who are my...."

 

 

[Captain]

.......... employees, as I have a substantial silent shareholding in the premier Immigration Lawfirm, www.immigationlawfornewarrivalswithlotsofdough.law.prettyexpensivebutwealwayswin.turdy.wripoff.au

 

"But before proceeding further in the NES" said Turbine, "I wish to pay my respect for the traditional owners of the WreckFrying website, both past & present and to all of the slimy leach-like Rainbow Serpent type Moderattori both past & present, and the little tiny brown birds of the air as well as the creepy reptiles and tiny little insects that burrow into children's eyes while they sleep, both past and present."

 

"Time for some of my highly alcoholic GPQ Scrumpy while we listen to this PC garbage" said Jack Rat to Poxy Loxy and Ah as they sat at his desk to discuss another proposition.

 

"We are sitting on a goldmine" said Loxly.

 

 

 

"No I'm not" replied Ah.

 

 

 

"No Ah, I said that we are, not that you, Ah, are."

 

"But I'm not" responded Ah "Am I Turbine?"

 

"I'd need to try before I buy" answered Turbine in typical investor and Corvette owner fashion, "But let us forget about such earthly pleasures, or any other pleasures for that matter, and listen to what Loxly has to say."

 

"We are sitting on a goldmine" repeated Loxly.

 

 

 

"No I'm not" replied Ah.

 

"Yes we A-R-E" emphasised AhLox.

 

 

 

"Ah" said Ah, then asked "Why you pinch my name?".

 

"The goldmine is ...... that I reckon that we can export this lava stuff as handwarmers. All we have to do is grab pieces about the size of a cake of soap as soon as it's out of the volcano them wrap it is fluffy asbestos presentation packs which will .............

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loxy's 1st attempt at lava harvesting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here is Ah having a crack (NTTIAWWT) at it too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turbine taking publicity shots for the new venture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turbine's Lava hot spring, resort and handwarmer production facility.

 

 

 

 

The finished product has been an outstanding success.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Today, Lava Pads are sold through 1300 Walmart Stores on the big island.

 

Ten days out of Boston, Rafer’s ship wallowed in the strong chop and the wind howled through the rigging. Captain Jack Rat was at the helm dreaming of his next failed conquest.

 

Rafer had been stunned, when Gnarly and Kazz Hale had arrived at the dock with a cart full of belongings and 257 bibles for the trip to Hawai’i, but being the professional that he was, stayed out of their way for the first week of the trip.

 

However he couldn’t help notice that Kazz came up every morning and threw up over the side of the ship. This morning he asked what the problem might be and she said, it started some days ago when I was knocked down by a heavy curtain which fell on me. Rafer was only trying to be helpful when he said “I think your might have been knocked up rather than down”, but only received a scowl in…..

 

 

[Captain]

......... in response, which Rafer immediately recognised as stage 1 of Kazz's ritualistic foreplay.

 

Rafer thought "I 'm in with a chance here, so I must not mess this up. I must think of the most romantic thing I can possibly say."

 

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Rafer darling?" slinked Kazzz, loosening her bustle after a tussle.

 

"Too right I am Kazz, baby, .......... so when you throw up over the side of the ship (as Tink described it) will you please try to miss the ship and hit the water on the full in future as it takes me forever to clean up the tomato, the cauliflower and the turnip chunks. Now, let's promenade up onto the foredeck and how about it?"

 

Kazz turned to Turbine and thought for a long time ..... then said "If you ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"...had acted two years ago as fast as you talked, I wouldn't be in this mess now would I"

 

This open straight talk threw Rafer, who was used to constant rejection, to the point that......

 

 

[Captain]

..... he decided to stand against Don at the next AUF board election.

 

"Not providing any details or CV is likely to result in rejection by the membership" responded the office in Fish'sWick.

 

"Rejection schmejection" replied Rafer "All I have ever wanted was ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

"......a chance, and just because I'm 132, and can't remember anything, I should not be disadvantaged compared to younger people, and my friend Bill Shorter will vouch for that."

 

Ten years had passed, when Rafer’s ship arrived at the new Port of Hawaii off Ala Moana Boulevarde.

 

He was greeted by the usual young scrubbers trying to put leis around his neck, but he noticed one who was a real beauty. “What’s your name?” he asked (Rafer was very good with words).

 

“My name is Iolani” she replied and he fell head over heels for her. Later, he found she was a Princess, and they had a son, Hoxforth Rafer Turbine*, so NES readers we find that Turbo is descended from a Hawaiian Princess. Rafer built a house for her on King Street, which is still standing today, and is called Princess Iolani Palace, where……

 

[*Not to be confused with a son called Hoxton he’d had by a hula dancer called Hula Bula]

 

 

[Captain]

...... it is uncanny that even today, how much our beloved Turbo looks similar to the 132 year old Rafer (identical skin and almost the same hair) and where the Turbine family tradition was borne, in that all of the boys were dressed in pink MouMous and 6 times a day chanted that "I am a proud prince or princess (NTTIAWWT) and my strategic opinions really matter.".

 

 

 

It was some years later, dear reader where the following occurred and this explains a lot about one of the ongoing issues on WreckFlying ......... and that was that one of the very delicate but still prince-like boys of the Iolani line was made to stand in a corner and repeat over and over and over again "I am of royal blood and while strategy can compensate for lack of talent, talent never compensates for lack of strategy."

 

 

 

Even to this very day, Turbine's seafaring ancestry is evident in his love of the open sea, in his skill with numerous outboard motors, his expertise on an 89 surfboard, what he can do in an outrigger canoe, his suggestive dexterity with a coconut & a couple of palm fronds, in his numerous nautical publications and in .............

 

 

 

A couple of Turbine's sisters

 

 

[turboplanner]

....so many other traditions of today's society.

 

Unfortunately for the world Rafer copped a bad oyster at the Pink Parrot Restaurant, lingered for a few days, and expired, but not before he........

 

Here is a snapshot of his holiday house.

 

Such was the value of his work to Hawaii that the USA annexed it to pay off their crippling debts, but the President ordered that a Monument be set up in memory of Rafer Turbine (Turbo's grandfather) and it stands there today getting a new gold leaf costume every year (due to the depradations of Jack Rat's kids).

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

....so many other traditions of today's society.Unfortunately for the world Rafer copped a bad oyster at the Pink Parrot Restaurant, lingered for a few days, and expired, but not before he........

......... made Kazz a very happy & tired woman.

 

 

 

Even today, with the benefits of exhumation and Facebook, Hawaiiiiian society is still unsure whether it was Kazz or the crook oyster that finished him off, despite court action where Kazz demanded clear attribution.

 

 

 

Now under recent FOI releases it can be revealed that Kazz's evidence clearly showed that she used an oyster shell to satisfy an autoerotic fantasy and then carve an image of Rafer as shown below.

 

 

 

This shocked Andy who had been left out of the NES recently, as he also claimed Hawaeeeeen ancestry, and so had Eeeeeen who had been named after ............

 

 

THE VERY ATTRACTIVE WHITE ADDITIONS TO THE FRONT GROUND FLOOR OF RAFER'S HOLIDAY HOME, ALL AS SO DELECTABLY SHOWN IN TINK'S PHOTO IN POST # 10149, WERE SENSITIVELY DESIGNED AND ENGINEERED TO "BLEND-IN" BY "TURBO'S ARCHITECTURE AND KABAB HOUSE PLC" (TURBO H TURBINE - OWNER AND CHIEF DESIGNER) - LOCATED ON THE BIG ISLAND.