The Never Ending Story

[IBob]

...what was needed was something slower than a Zero...something that could take off and land on short strips hacked out of the sugarcane, or dodge between the bestockinged and chocolate smeared natives as they swarmed the beach...

 

And they were working on it...or would be when they'd funished their fush and chups.

 

Who dares weeeeens said Hideo, hefting the hemmer manfully.

 

Yup, got any toothpeeeks? said EyeBolt

 

But there were none. So being antipodeans, and handy to boot (sorry... handy, to boot) they whittled down Hideo's didgerything and set to designing the machine with lines in the sand. It would have.........

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......been ideal for the job apart from the sides oil canning and giving the game away when they approached the enemy, but parts of it were quite good and parts of the Corsairs were missing, so Hideo made sure he captured all the lines on his camera.

 

Cowra Airport has two runways; 15/33 which was 1630 metres long, and 02/21 at 950 metres.

 

The Airport is 1017 feet above mean sea level Which catches many pilots out.

 

The Challenger 650 requires 731 metres for landing and 1718 metres for takeoff at MTOW at Sea Level and ISA (15 degrees C); the current temperature at Cowra was 35 degrees and there was a roaring northerly.

 

As they approached the airport, Ahlox feverishly leafed through the ERSA in a panic. “Did you check the ERSA before the flight” he asked Turbo. “What’s an ERSA?” replied Turbo; that always sent Ahlo into hysterics. “If we go in here, we can’t get out!” he said, but as the wheels touched gently (note for Foxhunter) Turbo just smiled; he always had a Plan B.

 

They entered the compound through the Cemetery garden. The Captain had already arrived, with a woman, and certainly not his wife Ki Lee. Ahlox wasn’t so sharp and rushed forward saying “Hi Ki!”, and the Captain fixed him with a vicious stare. It was Sol Lee.

 

Ahlox turned red and apologetically said ”I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else”

 

“No, YOU not Sol Lee, I Sol Lee” replied Sol Lee. Turbo separated them because Sol Lee was a CIA agent and one of the best and he didn’t want her compromised by a blurter like Ahlox.  Some people may have read Turbo’s book, the girl with the dragon tattoo. Sol Lee was the girl, but Langley had stepped in saying her cover would be blown, and turbo had to invent a Swedish version after the third manuscript and kill himself off. NES readers though now know who she really was; after all why would a Swedish girl have a Chinese dragon tattooed on her back unless…..

 

 

[IBob]

...it was actually a goanna. With wings cunningly added after the event. And the event being a beer soaked evening spent swapping dares and best forgotten. Except to say that somewhere in beyond Cowra is a man with a tattoo of a snake wrapped round part of his anatomy in a most interesting way. And who is not remotely interested in having wings, or anything else, added to is excruciating memento. Though he would definitely...

 

 

[turboplanner]

be interested in....

 

 

[hihosland]

..... he runs a small farm and refuge for orphaned jabiloos who have had the misfortune to have ......

 

 

[IBob]

...catching up with whoever put it there. He also wouldn't say no to another couple of rounds with the girl with the canetoad tattoo, though his chances of recognising her faded as the cute frog on her arse morphed to a goanna on her back, and from there to a dragon on her back. But while he could no longer remember her face, he would never forget...

 

 

[turboplanner]

..the frog.

 

A few minutes later Nob slipped into the room, and apologised for being late. “Had to attend Shire Council Meeting” he said “New load being planned through middle of CWA rroms, and the missus spat the dummy.” Nob, like the others had married into Cowra Society, and in Dimity Cummins, whose family had been on the land since they Squatted in 1847 had been a soulmate. Nobody noticed when Nob changed his surname to Cummins, but they thought he looked odd, and he had never mastered the English language. Spotting Eye Bolt, in his sheepskin suit he walked over and introduced himself as the Mayor of Cowra.

 

“Where you from?” he asked Eyebolt, who responded “Whakitani”

 

“Now then, we don’t want any bad language in this group, we are professionals!” snapped the Captain, who wasn’t as worldly as Turbo who knew that Eye Bolt also had an AirBNB at Waikikamucau, so he decided to ease the potential clash by calling the meeting to order.

 

The Captain stood, and staring directly at Turbo, saying “These Chinese warships are a clear and present danger to the United States of America”

 

“That one won’t work, it’s been tried and didn’t come out well at all for the President” replied Turbo “Don (he had to one up the Captain) has given me an old A310, some captured Iranian missiles and some mounting brackets, and that’s the deal. We have to go in there, build five aircraft from the parts, hit the ships and disappear. Nob nodded; “Sounds like normal operation, pilots not coming back.”

 

“You’re one of the pilots” said Turbo, “and you’ll have to train the others using Brumbies.”

 

The meeting broke up with the Captain taking Sol Lee, Ahlox, LokSe and Anlok to Melbourne to round up some aircraft builders, and Nob and Eye Bolt headed out to the airport to take a look at a Brumby. “You my first student” said Nob, but no slearing.

 

Turbo had only loaded part fuel and with several people gone, and the evening cooling down the Challenger lifted off without any problems.

 

This wasn’t going to be easy; he was going to have to land an A310 loaded with assembly tools, fitters, pilots, missiles and food supplies on a big black airstrip with a white line down the centre, devoid of any trees and guarded by one of the best Generals China had produced, find the cave where the Captain had stored those Corsairs many years ago, unload the cargo, set up generators and build five aircraft without being seen. They would run the engines up under cover of a concert arranged by Sol Lee who hopefully would have returned with the General who was partial to a ...............

 

 

[IBob]

....horizontal dancing lesson, and failing that, a chewy meat pie. And they had plenty of those, since Turbo had neatly sliced one on takeoff just the previous week.

 

It was amazing how far you could spread a stringy old sheep.

 

It was also amazing how many chewy meat pies you could make, and Nob was beginning to suspect that large amounts of what was scraped off the landscape may not have been old sheep at all.

 

You had a meat pie? he asked Eye Bolt

 

No, said Eye Bolt

 

Good, said Nob...don't

 

They stood looking at the Brumby. It certainly looked feral. And it had...air horns???

 

It's got very little wheels said Eye Bolt

 

It's very flat round here said Nob

 

Eye Bolt scanned the horizon: It certainly was...

 

And it's only got 2 struts said Eye Bolt

 

It's only got 2 wings said Nob.

 

Eye Bolt counted: this also was true...he gazed nervously into the cockpit.

 

No brakes, he said

 

Nob looked out across the perfect and uninterrupted flat which stretched to the horizon at all four points of the compass

 

Not been here long, have you, he said...............

 

 

[turboplanner]

......and that was true, 36 hours to be precise, and Eye Bolt cold see he was being put down by wiley old Nobushi whose usual defence was questions, but this time iot was going to be different because.....

 

 

[IBob]

...he'd brought his best hammer. And a spare blade for his hacksaw. And his own meat pie.

 

And the remains of a roll of #8, reputedly made from the salvaged battleships of the Scapa Flow, left him by his father. Who swore by it. Though it's fair to say he'd been heard to swear by all sorts of things, and especially around sheep.

 

Initially, Nob was less than happy about the supplementary #8 struts, but Eye Bolt had insisted, and when they discovered that skillful combinations of throttle and stick produced varying sounds, he was quite won over. They had worked out waltzing matilda, and just started on tie me kangaroo down, with Nob on air horns, when....

 

 

[Litespeed]

They could hear a chop chop sound coming towards them.

 

They looked up and saw a helicopter, the long endangered Seashite the greatest whirlygig ever invented in the back room thunderbox at Jackboot Johnny's used carp sales yard.

 

And then they saw what looked like a Galah but was in fact the flying Abbott, resplendent in his best Sir Galahead knights armour with kevlar budgie smugglers on the outside. 

 

When he landed and ran up singing the worst rendition of "God Dave's a Queen" ever heard, the blokes realised they had their secret weapon. 

 

All they needed was some ammo and guns. Tonedeaf said no sweat, I have everything we need right here in my smugglers.

 

A sudden look of defeat fell on Nobs face when he saw the what Tonedeaf meant. Then rage overcame Nob and he drew his sword and took aim at Tonedeafs smugglers. 

 

But alas he was buggered by the cunning use of kevlar undiedaks and the world's smallest target.

 

Eye bolt ran over and held Nob by the hand with the sword, and asked what's wrong.

 

Nob was saying, we ate not fighting ants for f...........

 

 

[Captain]

….. "Geeeeez Louise" said Nob, "Get your sword out of my hand. I'll need a gallon a Sake (and I mean the broody good stuff too) before you can assume that I'm into anything like that."

 

On that cue a pasty looking little jerk from the Melbourne Fridge Festival ran between them and tabled an accusation of "Yellow Face" against the NES. "You can onry use Japanese actors to pray Nobu or youze are lacists" he/she/it screamed "And we haven't yet decided what nationality or gender (or even species) you must use to depict the Tubbyplunderer or the HihoSlanderer …… but we are certain that Aysha the Geisha is actually IRobert, so he's OK, but then he/she/it added "We, the up-ourselves thought police, need you all to flash your gentletels (or even your ladytels if you have them) so that we can check out what gender youze really are, as we reckon there must be about 8 different types here atm, HOWEVER ………..

 

 

[IBob]

....we'll be needing to check his testimonials."

 

Oh no you won't, said Aysha the Geisha, springing nimbly into the Brumby as the plot lurched yet again, fending off the rabid hordes with a knitting needle from his wig while coolly running through his prestart and firing her up....

 

 

[Captain]

....we'll be needing to check his testimonials."

 

Oh no you won't, said Aysha the Geisha, springing nimbly into the Brumby as the plot lurched yet again, fending off the rabid hordes with a knitting needle from his wig while coolly running through his prestart and firing her up....

 

……….. "Fired up? said Aysha, "FIRED UP? FIRED UP?" "I'm hot to tlot" she screamed, as she had always lusted for rugged Pilot types, especially those bucks that fry Savannah S's, but then there is ……………...

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....something odd about this one; he doesn’t speak English, and......

 

 

[IBob]

....he din't even say Clear Plop, said Nob.

 

He'd got away with it for a while: in Brizzy he'd cracked a tinny while standin' round the barby wot they got from the vinnys. But it had all unravelled when they noticed his esky wasa chully bun and....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....had an old TEAL airline ticket addressed to Wire Rope Airport, which......

 

 

[IBob]

...everyone knew was a small duck, and clearly not an airline. Then Turbot noticed he was wearing jandals, and cunningly asked where his thongs were. And when Eye Bolt displayed his Y-Fronts....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...Turbo realised they better get started.

 

The first flying lesson didn’t go well. Turbo had chosen Nob to be the instructor based on the operation which was to be the complicated procedure of attacking warships at Battle Stations where dodging gunfire was an essential skill and the difficult skill of not undershooting or overshooting was essential. On reflection, he felt it was a mistake choosing the 100 hp Brumby, even though it had that whining Rotox gearbox.

 

Nob had said, I show you take off. Now there were two slight problems with that; It was 77 years since Nob’s last take off from Guadalcanal, and he’d had 1130 horsepower at the throttle.

 

As Nob yanked the Brumby into the air at an impossible climb rate, Eye Bolt yelled “Shut!!!!!”

 

“Canopy Shut” responded Nob, who thought he had missed a check. The airspeed rapidly decayed, and Eye Bolt asked “How old are you Nob?”  Nob replied “I 99, getting letter from Crean next year.”

 

Eye Bolt shuddered, but just when the aircraft was on the point of stall Nob said “Your prane”. “Now we practice attack”, said Nob and aimed directly for the Cowra RSL where………

 

Turbo realised the combination of Nob and Eye Bolt in a Spratly attack coping with the notorious Flying Hoses might not be a simple as he thought. Something would have to be done about Nob's training methods and...........

 

[Photo of Turbo’s Warbird, the Mitsubishi A6M Zero 210-118 B flown by Nob, rebuilt by Turbo at a cost of $3.5 million.

 

Picture taken in Turbo’s hangar. Turbo on the left, Nobushi Kayabashi in grey jacket, his son Ed Cummins on right. Front Row Dimity Cummins and Sol Lee.]

 

[Captain]

...Turbo realised they better get started.

 

The first flying lesson didn’t go well. Turbo had chosen Nob to be the instructor based on the operation which was to be the complicated procedure of attacking warships at Battle Stations where dodging gunfire was an essential skill and the difficult skill of not undershooting or overshooting was essential. On reflection, he felt it was a mistake choosing the 100 hp Brumby, even though it had that whining Rotox gearbox.

 

Nob had said, I show you take off. Now there were two slight problems with that; It was 77 years since Nob’s last take off from Guadalcanal, and he’d had 1130 horsepower at the throttle.

 

As Nob yanked the Brumby into the air at an impossible climb rate, Eye Bolt yelled “Shut!!!!!”

 

“Canopy Shut” responded Nob, who thought he had missed a check. The airspeed rapidly decayed, and Eye Bolt asked “How old are you Nob?”  Nob replied “I 99, getting letter from Crean next year.”

 

Eye Bolt shuddered, but just when the aircraft was on the point of stall Nob said “Your prane”. “Now we practice attack”, said Nob and aimed directly for the Cowra RSL where………

 

Turbo realised the combination of Nob and Eye Bolt in a Spratly attack coping with the notorious Flying Hoses might not be a simple as he thought. Something would have to be done about Nob's training methods and...........

 

[Photo of Turbo’s Warbird, the Mitsubishi A6M Zero 210-118 B flown by Nob, rebuilt by Turbo at a cost of $3.5 million.

 

Picture taken in Turbo’s hangar. Turbo on the left, Nobushi Kayabashi in grey jacket, his son Ed Cummins on right. Front Row Dimity Cummins and Sol Lee.]

 

[ATTACH]40798[/ATTACH]

 

Captain rang Ian and said "How am I supposed to answer the Moorabin Mauler's above War & Piss tome? Some of his stuff is as long now as it was years ago, which was the reason why Cappy retired hurt with eyestrain after reading Tubb's NES posts a decade ago. "Heck I'm tired" Skipper added "But just as I feel that I must contribute every time somebody flys IFR into IMC (so just about daily) I reckon that the MM is playing with fire to put the Knob in charge of new StewedAnts when everyone knows that the final parts of each flight, before the ciruit work, is always a 10 minute drill on the basics of Khama in the Khazi "Keep the gunsight closs on the Airlaft Callier that I've painted rife size under the windsock and see what fun it is as it gets bigger … and bigger …… now crimb back up to 750 ft and make a tight slow circuit without using any downwind sector ("750 is the new 1000" The Knob always then said as one of his final jokes that all the new pirots always remember fondly, "As nobody can leary judge 1000 acculatery flom the glound and CASA will just ……………….. 

 

 

[turboplanner]

THINK It’s 10000 feet. The Captain’s gun assisted memory was becoming shorter every year but that sometimes happen when you’re past the tens of millions and climbing. Idly he messaged the Captains of six oil tankers to Strait the run through the South China Sea, and had just picked up the bottle of gin when.......

 

 

[Captain]

THINK It’s 10000 feet. The Captain’s gun assisted memory was becoming shorter every year but that sometimes happen when you’re past the tens of millions and climbing. Idly he messaged the Captains of six oil tankers to Strait the run through the South China Sea, and had just picked up the bottle of gin which was .......

 

..... Bombay Saphire no less, the rugged Captain's favourite and the initials of which match many of the TurboTinkler's posts on serious aviation related matters that .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.... no longer mattered to Turbo. Bombay Sapphire.....the biggest in the world. Turbo had owned it once, bought it from a Russian Prince, but shortly after a visit from the Captain it had disappeared, and.....

 

 

[hihosland]

subsequently caused a minor riot at the proctologist's office when after a long and painful extraction the Captain screamed ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......and said "Get me a gin!" After a while the pain died down, and with a snigger, he said to the male nurse; "Some slight irritation, but it was worth it"

 

But that was in doubt, as the stone had been cursed by Hosland, a Romanian gypsy who.....