The Never Ending Story

[hihosland]

....with a bit of help from Gordon had Tanqureed the blue sapphire into something far too slippery for Ahlok's chopsticks and not quite heavy enough to function as an effective missile for .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......Takata San who was trying to come up with a missile which was successful 100% of the time, but it did give him...................

 

 

[hihosland]

serious brain pain only slightly modified by the generous application of the Blue Sapphire. Meanwhile the tensions in the Spratlys were not helped by Donald's twitters about the Captain's Twotters now heading under Eyebolts tenuous command towards..........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...learning English, so Hosland, who was the real deal Gypsie decided to cast a spell on.....

 

 

[hihosland]

......Takata San and leave him convinced that his new missile was already 99% efficient and reliable enough to deploy to the Spratlys known to Takata San's ancestors as  新南諸島. Thus convinced; Takata San armed up his newly acquired fleet of superior Brumbies and set off ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

....without a flight plan and without fuel burn calculations.

 

in the Chinese destroyer Xian, cruising at 23 knots down the South China Sea Captain Bow Ling looked across at his Chief Petty Officer, Ten Pin.....   

 

 

[turboplanner]

......."Call Ah Lee" odered Bow Ling; he had an uneasy feeling.

 

The Challenger slipped in to Joburgh. The Limo ride to the Palace Hotel out at Sandton, known to the locals as Mink and Mud for its luxury houses and horse paddocks didn’t take long, and he recognised the three ex pilots from the laughter in the corner of the Thoroughbred Lounge.

 

In the dying days of the British Empire, before the African American Africans forced the whites from power, Defence Minister Pik Botha had bought a squadron of Corsairs to protect South Africa from possible attacks from Mozambique. Mozambique didn’t have any fighter aircraft, but as Pik said: “You corn’t teik chornces.  Arnie Clarky, Charlie Westie and Fanie Bony had made nuisances of themselves strafing the elephant in Kruger, but they’d learnt how to handle Corsairs. These were the pilots Turbo needed.

 

Turbo had offered them a million each, half now, and half when the job was done. They recognised his famous face from across the room.

 

“Hi, Ai’m Orney, this es Chorlie, and thet’s Fornie”, said Arnie, and Turbo sat down and briefed them on the project, which now looked much………..

 

 

[hihosland]

much more likely to achieve some result or another.

 

First item on the agenda an equipment list including

 

one whiz wheel,

 

1 astrolobe

 

1  Collins world atlas circa 1930

 

7  4 gallon Plume fuel tins slightly rusted

 

3  leather flying helmets sans plugs

 

26  salvaged pilot relief tubes

 

1  Golden Fleece road map Queensland edition

 

15  Mills bombs in dubious condition

 

1..leather cover for Corsair POH

 

not much else

 

second agenda item

 

 is shortest distance to Spratleys from Joborugh, East or West?

 

at this point Turbo took the floor and addressed the assembled crew thus..............

 

 

[turboplanner]

"Hosland has done a marvellous job putting the aviation package together, and he's also put a curse on the entire Chinese garrison" Turbo explained, hoping that it wasn't as sloppy as the last one which backfired onto the CIA people at the Bay of Pigs.

 

"We corn't het ships if we corn't practice", said Fanie.

 

"We can't hut shups if we can't fly Corsairs" said Eye Bolt

 

"You bruddy cards" said Nob, "if you can't het shup.......arrghh speak Engrish next time" shouted Nob 

 

"I'm not saying this is going to be easy" but Eye Bolt and Nob have a simulated target set up on the highway, and you'll just have to make do.

 

"Can we hit the cors and bekkies?' asked Arnie

 

"What's a bekkie?" asked a confused Eye Bolt and Fanie explained "It's a yeeut"  Nob just shook his head and....

 

 

[IBob]

"First off, there have been reports of Grumman Avengers in the area: four of 'em. If you think you see 'em, just ignore 'em. And whatever you do, don't follow them...................."

 

 

[turboplanner]

...that was all Turbo needed, trying to write an American accent, but things were happening.

 

Captain had maintained a holiday shack on one of the Spratly Islands, and this was proving ideal for the planning stage. The Xian was moored just across the channel near Fiery Cross Reef.

 

Turbo and Captain were already at the shack; they'd taken AHlox, his face blackened by charcoal as it usually was, across to Fiery Cross Reef so find the cave, which......

 

Photos: The Captain's holiday shack, the South China Sea aka the East Vietnam Sea, Fiery Cross Reef Naval Base.

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....was now two days ago, and there had been no word from Ahlox.

 

The inflatable cruised across the channel in darkness and hit the reef with a resounding “THUMP!”  four kilometres north of the Xian which by this time was at General Quarters with all Huawei modems listening for the slightest sound. The Captain had been at the helm. “Hard to believe you’re descended from Captain Cook” said Turbo sarcastically. “Shut up!” yelled the Captain and a searchlight started to sweep down the coast. Quickly they stowed the boat and started to walk inland to look for the cave. The whites of two big eyes shone in the moonlight; it was Ahlox.

 

“Well?” queried the Captain, “Where’s the cave?”

 

“I can’t find it” wailed Ahlox (it was the story of his life); I know I walked about half a mile through impenetrable jungle and I marked the spot with an “X” so I could find it again, but……….”

 

Lok Se and An Lok had managed to round up a build crew, finds the spares they needed, purchase the tools and assembly machinery and load the A310 which had previously been a Nigerian airliner used by the CIA to trap drug runners in the Congo. There wasn’t a panel that wasn’t loose, rain poured in through the windscreens, it flew one wing low and nose slightly up, wallowed badly on landing and taxied in a continuous S pattern. No one would volunteer to fly it. Turbo had realised there was only one man for this job; Foxhunter. Turbo explained to the Captain that the TAA three holers that Foxhunter flew were very similar and his landings were so rough that  no one would notice the deviations. “Besides”, he said, “I’m fitting all our aircraft with Geofence 2322, supplied by my company Turbine Geofencing Corporation, so all our aircraft including the Corsairs can fly straight through the Chinese defences undetected, but it also blocks GPS signals and old Foxy was a wizz with the wizz wheel.

 

“But they’ll SEE you when you land on the runway!” blustered the Captain, there’s not a tree higher than three metres on the ISLAND!”

 

“How come you and Ahlox couldn’t find the cave then” replied Turbo “We’ve camouflaged the 310 by painted it black with a striped line down the centre, so if Foxy can somehow keep it straight, the Chinese will just think they are seeing a volcanic ripple. Sol Lee is going to talk about ripples in the Officers Mess on Fiery Cross Reef tonight.

 

“But what about the reverse thrust noise” the Captain persisted. Not a problem, Soll Lee has organised a concert for 2100 and promised to sing in Mandarin.

 

“You think of everything” said an admiring Captain, and …………….

 

 

[hihosland]

then Captain mused "what about after the concert when all the troops emerge from the hall"

 

 "No problem; Foxy has all that spare cargo space filled with crates of Bilund Infantry Incapacitating munitions which the team will spread around all the buildings under cover of Sol Lee's noisy musical adventure."

 

Captain's brows raise to form a questions mark.

 

" Otherwise known as Lego bricks. No one can walk on then and not feel great pain and dislocation, there is no chance that while hippy hopping around the Chinese will notice ............

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......the Captain's loud after-dinner ablutions, which earned him the nick-name of the Bombay Banger when...

 

 

[turboplanner]

…he was a public servant recording the performance of the Indian Railway system for His Majesty’s Government.

 

Turbo was one of the six people who supported Rag and Tube aircraft out of the thousand in the whole of RAA.

 

He’d bought an old Tyro from bull at Bone, and as he took off from the Captain’s holiday shack driveway, he knew he would have to find the cave, and he would have to fly lower than he’d even flown before. Sighting the huge cave, just 50 metres from the end of the runway, and seeing a pathetically small cross carved in the sand at the entrance to the cave,  and Ahlox sitting on the beach on the opposite side of the island he landed on the beach, picked up the fiery and flew back to Captain’s shack.

 

The A310 took off without incident, 50% overloaded, with Foxhunter at the controls, resplendent in his old TAA jacket and cap. He said he didn’t need a co-pilot but insisted on having two hostesses. It had cost Turbo another million, but it solved a problem. The landing was equally uneventful, with General Ho Lee saying “Look Sol Lee, there’s one of those volcanic effects you talked about.”  It was little wonder that Turbo was one of the CIA’s most respected agents, he always came through, but….

 

The A310 Taxied to the entrance of the cave, where a cradle of four Corsair wheels was fitted, the wings cut off, and rolled into the cave. No one would know an aircraft was on the island.

 

The Corsair assembly began next morning.

 

Back in Cowra, Nob was having trouble with his pilots….

 

Turbo’s Tyro:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

…None of them had attacked shipping, and only the South Africans had flown the Chance Vought Corsair. “It’s just laik gitting on a Horse” said Fanie, “thar all the seim”.

 

“Bullshut” said Eye Bolt.

 

“Since no one else been in Naval battle, I will fly the first attack and prove tactics” said Nob.

 

“How are you on your landings?” asked Arnie rather cruelly.

 

“But you mussed the shep and that’s how you're  here” said Eye Bolt with that unique NZ diplomacy.

 

As much as flying a Brumby at some hessian stretched along a road could be considered battle training, Nob judged they were ready and Turbo took them in his cruiser to the Captain’s Holiday Shack, which was difficult because Cowra wasn’t on the coast.

 

They arrived just as the first Corsair was completed, and Nob decided he would do the start up in the dark, so another concert was organised by Soll Lee.

 

The Corsair was rolled out on to the sand, and Nob started looking very serious; he’d managed to find his old Imperial Japanese flying suit, and the white head band marked by a red dot, representing the pilot’s contribution in blood for the emperor, and with the Japanese characters “Namba Wun”

 

[Turbo warns international travellers to be careful of Japanese humour. He once travelled to Japan with a training group. The instructor explained the huge significance of the white head band and it was passed around for all to take their turn putting it on. “We will give to the winner with tea ceremony’ said the instructor.

 

Turbo didn’t win that day, but took a photo of the successful trainee  with the historic head band on.

 

When he returned to Auatralia and showed his photos to the residents Australians they felt about laughing. “It say dickhead!” they roared.]

 

Nobushi squinted his eyes, primed the engine, and pressed the starter, and the big13 feet 4 inch Hamilton prop began to revolve, and revolve, and revolve.

 

“GIVE UT SOME FUEL”  yelled Eye Bolt, and Nob could be seen furiously pumping.

 

Suddenly there was a BANG!!!!! And fifty thousand Goony Birds rose from the small trees.

 

“SSSSSHHHHHH!! Said the Captain

 

Then the big Pratt and Whitney fired on one of its 8 cylinders and gradually they all came on line.

 

Tomorrow they would fit the guns and bomb racks and……..

 

Corsair start up and flight (not Nob's)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

Then the big Pratt and Whitney fired on one of its 8 cylinders and gradually they all came on line.

 

Tomorrow they would fit the guns and bomb racks and……..

 

…… as usual Turbo had it wrapped around his ????? "I thought it was "Wheezing Death", which is what I do every morning after a couple of hours of passion giving it the berries."

 

"Turbo must be a sex maniac" said Kaito to Nobu "If he giving it the bellies ….. and then I hear that he prays a lot with his ………….

 

 

[turboplanner]

......and the old Captain dreamed on in a fantasy world of his own, a gin bottle on the bedside table with feeble light coming from a candle stuck in the top, and which was about to..........

 

 

[Captain]

………. become controversial due to the TubbyPlunger's use of racist terms, his alcoholist reference to the demon drink, his white supremacist reference to light coloured candles, his age-ist use of the term "feeble", his anti Muslim reference to something or other, his Wizzard of Oz-ist reference to dreams and fantasy worlds, (not to mention his unnatural & unhealthy fixation on Judy Garland when she was a firm young thing.

 

This was all done to disguise the fact that the Tubster had just consummated a deal to pick up the agencies for 4 brands of Recreational Aircraft and as a result he has announced his candidacy for the RAA Board and Presidency. "I see your single aircraft agency and raise you another 3, then once elected I'll be able to get the 900 kgs weight limit thru in the interest of all members (of course it's all for the membership), then I'll ………………………...

 

 

[turboplanner]

...up the subscriptions to cover the costs of the book I’m writing called, “Ir happened at Natfly; the amazing stories that couldn’t be written until now.” High on the list is a chapter about the Captain, seven carafes of Red, and the girls from a dancing troup which Turbo had hired to liven up the technical segments, although.....

 

 

[hihosland]

they did have trouble getting around the notion of hydraulic tappets which from their prior experience suggested ...........

 

 

[turboplanner]

a rhythm that was..........

 

 

[Captain]

a rhythm that was..........

 

………. approved by the Vatican and the Houthi Rebels which are both well known & admired for their rhythm methods and hydraulic tapdancing, which are two of HiHo's key & core skills, but that all is as nothing when ……...

 

 

[turboplanner]

...Turbo, who identifies as an Houthi, finishes cooking the steaks at a BNS Ball and starts doing the authentic Houthi Hydraulic Tappet dance with....

 

 

[onetrack]

...an additional twist that he added himself, that he calls "Pissed/n/Wobble". However, he slips on a large spot of steak grease accidentally dropped on the smooth floor, and promptly....