The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

Slides into, and knocks over...........

 

 

[onetrack]

...no-one less than Takata-San! "Good God!", exclaims Turbo, as he pulls himself and Takata-San to their respective feet. "What are you doing at a B&S Ball, Takata-San??" 

 

"Shhhh!!", said Takata-San, looking around nervously. "I was told that B&S Balls are where you can get some stuff that really puts a rocket up your a***!

 

I was hoping to acquire some of that product to fuel my new design drones, which are fully capable of....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......lifting a fat lady off the stage before she can sing........

 

 

[Captain]

......lifting a fat lady off the stage before she can sing........

 

…….. however Tink was taken to task by the NES Police before his post # 10453 could be made public.

 

"We have investigated this matter and have made a determination" said the NES Walloper. "You can't use the term "fat" any more you Dandenong Nong "As now she can only be referred to as "a person of inadequate height for her BMI" and that dumpy sheila also cannot be referred to as "lady" as she is now a person of "indeterminate sex" (whereas Turbs is a person of "indiscriminate sex") and her singing is crook too.

 

It was here that Takata-San stepped forward under all the ceiling mounted condom balloons at the B&S Ball, flashed his magnificent sword, again pulled the Moorabin Mauler (up to his full height) and offered 3 boxes of airbags which were specifically designed to retrofit into Tubb's 403 Pug and …………..

 

 

[turboplanner]

....said: "Who this Claptain, this fat lat"?   Turbo quietly explained for an hour or so the foibles of the falsely commissioned fantasy infused dude with the pips. "He used to be a comedian", said Turbo, "but........."

 

 

[Captain]

....said: "Who this Claptain, this fat lat"?   Turbo quietly explained for an hour or so the foibles of the falsely commissioned fantasy infused dude with the pips. "He used to be a comedian", said Turbo, "but........."

 

……. but now the Lat with the pips gives everyone else the pip."

 

"Pip, pip" said onetrack, who is a covert member of the pommy aristocracy and works occasionally for MI6, lives in WA and therefore is almost ready to celebrate the end of WW2, but Turbo jumped to onetrack's defence as a spokesman on behalf of the Socialist Republic of Victoria. "I always knew that Qld was a place where you go back 1 hour and 50 years as you step off the plane each summer, but I think it's a bit rich to consider WA along similar lines, where once you land & tie down at Jandacot, you plunge back 3 hours and 75 years (although Tubb always liked to listen to the Andrews Sisters impersonators at the Freo pub/house of ill repute that he always frequents. I've been to WA before and surely you mean WW1?"

 

onetrack rebounded immediately with a reference to Daniel Starlin and the need for each SRoV residence to now compulsorily stock 10 kgs of candles, stacked below their subsidised Chinese-cheap roof solar panels.

 

HiHo couldn't resist a coarse and cutting crack at Tink and the onetrick pony, so he said ……….

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....or he was about to say when overcome by a burst of stage fright at the Rat's scathing criticism of the States of Queensland and Western Australia; HiHo was struggling with how he should behave in this  Millenial World. "How far can I go?" he thought "What is too much?" He hesitated to tell the story of how onetrack had got his name. Not many people know this, readers, so please don't spread it around, but he was a track sniffer. There it is, out in the open. You'd see him around Cat D7s sniffing a track, but always the left one, and that's where the name came from. It was a dangerous habit becaise he'd progressed from Cats parked overnight to operating Cats. It didn't matter iof they were winching logs or dozing dams, he'd be right there behind the track, and there were many occasions where he jumped out of the way just.........

 

 

[Captain]

.....or he was about to say when overcome by a burst of stage fright at the Rat's scathing criticism of the States of Queensland and Western Australia; HiHo was struggling with how he should behave in this  Millenial World. "How far can I go?" he thought "What is too much?" He hesitated to tell the story of how onetrack had got his name. Not many people know this, readers, so please don't spread it around, but he was a track sniffer. There it is, out in the open. You'd see him around Cat D7s sniffing a track, but always the left one, and that's where the name came from. It was a dangerous habit becaise he'd progressed from Cats parked overnight to operating Cats. It didn't matter iof they were winching logs or dozing dams, he'd be right there behind the track, and there were many occasions where he jumped out of the way just.........

 

…… to have the RSPCA step in with written charges. "You can't sniff that type of cat" they said "A D7 if fine or even a D9, but not a FeeLine."

 

"I thought that cat just had one eye" responded onetrick "Then I realised that it was walking away and the sniff was an accident. Well the 1st sniff was anyway".

 

HiHo was apoplectic at this result, scratched his …………...

 

PS .. HiHo can go as far as his tanks will take him less the statutory reserve. I thought he would have known that and not needed to ask on a public forum that is monitored by CASA, ASSer, CESSer and the NTSB. "HiHo's licence has to be in jeopardy now if he doesn't know that" said Tink to Taka "He's looted" lesponded Taka.

 

 

[Captain]

And the cultulal misapplopliation debate laged on, with the NES modelators finery making a decision on favour of fleedom of the pless, citing a recent crip from South Park (more highbrow & relevant than the ABC, the SMH and CNN/MSNBC all combined) as their benchmark for how these issues will & must be handled in future ……………..

 

Fleedom of Explession is vitary important in the NEStoly said one of the top modelators.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW4ZGO_Hi_8 

 

 

[onetrack]

Meanwhile, back at edge of the airstrip, while Onetrack and Takata-San were immersed in the more technological aspects of drones (with Turbs looking over their collective shoulders, as the maths and physics involved with hi-tech drones, was something he was struggling to grasp), there was a rush of wind, and a swishing and cracking of branches, as a glider dropped out of the sky, and made an untidy crash landing in the outer limbs of a large River Gum, whereby it promptly fell to the ground. Onetrack, Takata-San and Turbs gazed on, open-mouthed, as the canopy opened, and out stepped the Captain!

 

"Claptain!! exclaimed Takata-San. "I thought you were going to klill yourself!! You are offlicially licenced for that thling, aren't you?? To onlookers, it looks like you tlaught yourslelf!!"

 

"Licence?" exclaimed the Captain. "Of course, I've got an official-looking licence for it! I paid good money in brown paper bags for my licence, to the best-connected mates around! - the same way as you get licences and approvals for anything in New South Wales!" 

 

"It's been that way since 1788, so why would we change the system now? Anyway, who needs things like formal training and licences? These things are a cinch to fly! I just need to practise my landings a bit more, I've only done 2500 hrs in it so far, so I'm bound to get a landing right, eventually!"

 

Meantimes, Turbs had disappeared to acquire a few litres of Jet-A1 drainings. He always kept a few litres on hand in the bathroom, and used it for aftershave, fully convinced that the fumes would attract any slashing-looking, big-breasted fly-girl he came within a few metres of, and trusting that the effect of the fumes on her would make Chanel No 5 look pathetic by comparison, and she would gravitate towards him like a 13 yr old schoolgirl gravitating towards a pop star.

 

While the Captain was ruefully examining the crumpled composite of the glider, and thinking about how many brown paper bags of money this would cost, to avoid incident reporting, and to cover the cost of repair by Dodgy Bros Quick and Dirty Aircraft Repairs, there was .....

 

 

[hihosland]

a slight wift of Jet A on the breeze followed by Turbs tearing past with Takata-San in hot pursuit shouting:-

 

"lun, lun all you can lun 'til you legs collapse and your dalk healt beats no more.

 

" I do hear you been talking with leader of flee world and

 

" feeding him with confused musings from your pet mountain-singing Rasputin

 

" he who snaffled the Captain's supply of stuffed brown paper bags 

 

" and now the whole world will.......

 

 

[Captain]

 

" and now the whole world will.......

 

…. see the results of TinkyWink's years of sniffing Jet A.

 

"Watch while I deftly fill these brown paper bags, then light them" Tink said proudly.

 

"Oh" called the HydyHodySlanderer "Be careful, as I lit one of mine years ago and since then I have had no hair on my ………...

 

 

[turboplanner]

....posthumous......

 

 

[Captain]

....posthumous......

 

……. posterior …….

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....but time waits for no man and as Hosland was looking at his posterior there was activity in Cowra.  The aircraft had been assembled, and while looking a little rag tag, it being necessary to use parts from several different models, they looked roughly like Corsairs.

 

None of the pilots had flown a Chance Vought Corsair. “It’s just laik gitting on a Horse” said Fanie, “thar all the seim”.

 

“Bullshut” said Eye Bolt.

 

“Since no one else been in Naval battle, I will fly the first attack and prove tactics” said Nob.

 

“How are you on your landings?” asked Arnie rather cruelly.

 

“But you mussed the shep and that’s how you’re here” said Eye Bolt with that unique NZ diplomacy.

 

As much as flying a Brumby at some hessian stretched along a road could be considered battle training, Nob judged they were ready and Turbo took them in his cruiser to the Captain’s Holiday Shack, which was difficult because Cowra wasn’t on the coast.

 

They arrived just as the first Corsair was completed, and Nob decided he would do the start up in the dark, so another concert was organised by Soll Lee.

 

The Corsair was rolled out on to the sand, and Nob started looking very serious; he’d managed to find his old Imperial Japanese flying suit, and the white head band marked by a red dot, representing the pilot’s contribution in blood for the emperor, and with the Japanese characters “Namba Wun”

 

[Turbo warns international travellers to be careful of Japanese humour. He once travelled to Japan with a training group. The instructor explained the huge significance of the white head band and it was passed around for all to take their turn putting it on. “We will give to the winner with tea ceremony’ said the instructor.

 

Turbo didn’t win that day but took a photo of the successful trainee with the historic head band on.

 

When he returned to Australia and showed his photos to the resident Japanese they fell about laughing. “It say dickhead!” they roared.]

 

Nobushi squinted his eyes, primed the engine, and pressed the starter, and the big13 feet 4 inch Hamilton prop began to revolve, and revolve, and revolve.

 

“GIVE UT SOME FUEL”  yelled Eye Bolt, and Nob could be seen furiously pumping.

 

Suddenly there was a BANG!!!!! And fifty thousand Goony Birds rose from the small trees.

 

“SSSSSHHHHHH!! Said the Captain

 

Then the big Pratt and Whitney fired on one of its 8 cylinders and gradually they all came on line.

 

Tomorrow they would fit the guns and bomb racks and……..

 

Corsair start up and flight

 

 

 

 

[onetrack]

...Captain was just the man to see about them - seeing as he lived only a stones throw from the Kapooka Rifle Range stop butts - and there was little doubt he would be able to pick the lock on the Armoury, after hours. This lock-picking ability was a skill Captain was rightfully proud of, seeing as he was directly descended from the first convicts in NSW, coupled with some inbreeding from a certain number of well-known bushrangers of the Blue Mountains. Captain got excited about this gun-stealing adventure, it was quite a while since he'd been involved with anything important as busting into a military Armoury - well apart from that failed bank job, that he managed to blame on his illiterate bank robber companions. Captain whipped out a grubby notebook and pencil (actually, it was the back of his flying logbook, but no-one noticed) and proceeded to draw diagrams of the gun mountings. But Turbo had to explain to Captain, that the guns on a Corsair had to be specially fabricated for the Corsair, not just ex-Army SLR's attached with twitches of fencing wire, as Captain was proposing. 

"But what's wrong with fencing wire?", whined Captain - "It's held everything in the world together, long before duct tape and silastic came on the market!" But Turbo, as the senior member of the group, was not to be swayed, and he ....

 

 

[hihosland]

proceeded to construct a suitable adapter plate to allow the fitting of the SLRs to the Corsair from a matrix of brown paper and tar. Captain observing progress on this project suggested that a modification was needed in order to get the SLR to manage belt loaded ammunition.

 

"No problem" asserts Captain waving his sticky tarred hands " We'll just ......  

 

 

[turboplanner]

......but there was a grating sound and the whole apparatus slid to the ground.

 

Turbo patiently explained that he had the gun and ammunition situation all under control but hadn't wanted to disappoint the Captain and Hosland, who had made a very good effort.

 

“The guns used on the Corsair are no longer made and all the old WW2 guns were sold to the Japanese to be melted down to make Toyotas; they got us in the end.” he said.

 

“I’ve managed to get M61 20 mm cannons, and they’re old enough to fit the Corsair mounts and there’s enough space to allow me to use a Honda generator for the power supply”

 

Captain, already miffed, said “I’ve never heard of them!”

 

“Well”, said Turbo, “they’re older than you. The M61 was built in 1946, first ground-fired in 1949. Went into service in 1959. In fact it uses patents developed by Richard Gatling in 1893.

 

“It first went to war in F-100 Super Sabres in Vietnam, pulled out of them and fitted to the F104 Starfighter, pulled out of them and used in the F-4 Phantom II, the F111, the F15E Strike Eagle, the F16, and the F/A18 Hornet.

 

“Although they spray a lot of lead they are notoriously difficult to set up for accurate fire, and around the time of the Sabres the armourers suggested to the US Defence forces that all aircraft should carry an armourer, and he should have command of the aircraft. The high command ruled this out on the grounds of too much risk, but decided the armourers should stay in service for life once they learnt how to re-calibrate the guns for accuracy, but the armourers are still bitching about not being in command, and some of them are in their late ‘90s.”

 

“Where did you get the guns?” asked Hosland.

 

If you go to Point Cook, replied Turbo, "you’ll see one on display, and if you look very closely you’ll see the grain of the balsa wood, and for the rest, let’s just hope the RAAF don’t decide to test fire their local Hornets, because…….

 

 

[onetrack]

...."there are no longer any M61's on our Hornets??", gasped the Captain, his face going white. "Hang on!", he continued, the colour in his face now changing to a crimson red, as he addressed Turbo. 

 

"I see it all now!! You're nothing more than a fifth columnist!! - a paid-up member of the Chinese Communist Party!! - intent on single-handedly destroying Australia's Air Capabilities, whilst at the same time, pretending to be launching an attack on the Chinese Navy in the South China Sea!!!

 

You're worse than a Japanese envoy spying on Australian defences in 1939!! You're a scoundrel of the lowest order, you unspeakable blackguard!!!"

 

At that, the Captain whipped his 1856 Beaumont-Adams 54 bore revolver from his waistband, and pointed it at Turbo, seething with white-hot anger.

 

I might add, this revolver was a family heirloom, originally owned by a Blue Mountains bushranger, whose name was always kept secret, because the Captains family didn't want the connection publically known.

 

But they were always secretly proud of the bushranging tradition in their family, which they had gradually converted into brown-paper-bag influence peddling, rebirthing stolen cars, and internet fraud.

 

This Beaumont-Adams revolver had been handed down, father-to-son, in the Captains family, until the Captain was gifted it.

 

As a result, the Captain was rightfully proud of it, and produced it, whenever he felt outraged - which was fairly often. 

 

But Turbo's expression had changed rapidly. His eyes had narrowed, causing the Captain to be sure he had Oriental ancestry. And as Turbo's mouth twisted into a snarl, he said, "So! You think you've got me, do you??"

 

And with that, he lunged forward, and knocked the revolver out of the Captains grasp. The Captain, shocked at the rapid turn of events, stepped back, and ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......said "How could you do it?  How could you rob our country of it's defence equipmenty, you, you, you (he once was a drinking mate of Joh's"

 

"Calm yourself down" said Turbo, "I took them out of the Hornets to save your oil tankers"

 

"You're such a loyal friend" replied the Captain in his best oily tone as he quickly slipped the handgun out of sight "the RAAF won't miss them for a few days until......

 

[special Note to NES readers: You'll notice on this thread that not only do you get more aviation references than on other threads, but the rate of unfolding scandals is greater than any of the TV reality shows. We've ony just finished hearing about the Captain's ancestor Captain Cook (where ASIO prevented Turbo frpom exposing the horrendous deeds under threat of incarceration), but now we find the family were just common bushrangers!]

 

 

[Captain]

[special Note to NES readers: You'll notice on this thread that not only do you get more aviation references than on other threads, but the rate of unfolding scandals is greater than any of the TV reality shows. We've only just finished hearing about the Captain's ancestor Captain Cook (where ASIO prevented Turbo frpom exposing the horrendous deeds under threat of incarceration), but now we find the family were just common bushrangers!]

 

[Further Special Note to NES readers: Your beloved Captain cautiously accepts all of those accusations with his usual jaunty shake of the head, but cautions readers of the perils of automatically accepting the above quotation without doing your own Due Diligence, as he points out, with appropriate respect, that the Moorabin Mangler has been identified as one of the leaders of one of the non-existent Victorian Sudanese Gangs where his V115, C210 and PA28 had all been obtained in snatch (apologies to sensitive readers) and grab raids at Tooradin.]

 

Captain fingered (apologies again) the 54 bore and invited the Mangler to revolve (more apologies to sensitive NES'ers) on the revolver before tucking his ……….

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....Captain Cook hat under his arm in a vain attempt to bolster his confidence.

 

"I can spot an injection moulded 54 from a mile off" said Turbo "and have a look on the side of the barrel - it says 'made in China'.

 

The Captain couldn't resist a look. In a lightning move Turbo snatched both the hat and the evil gun off the gin- soaked old sod, and put him to bed.

 

The next morning...........

 

 

[onetrack]

..... there was a major commotion in the HQ of the RAAF at Pt Cook, as the CO was notified that nearly every Hornet was missing its M61 cannon. "Heads will roll over this!" roared the CO, as he addressed the assembled subordinate officers. "When this news of a possibly Commie or Muzzie-led raid, gets back to Canberra, the ordure will hit the rotating blades like a flock of pigeons going through the props of a P-3!! - and it will cover all of us!!"

 

"But, Sir, piped up one junior officer, "You can't say "Muzzie or "Commie" any more, they are deemed "non-inclusive" terms, and using them will see you demoted and sent off for a re-education course, with specific regard to the long-terms damaging effects of deflated egos and hurt feelings."

 

"Bugger the deflated egos and hurt feelings!" roared the CO (because he was "old school" and used horrible, denigrating terms, such as "bugger") - "What about MY ego? I have 13 Hornets here without a sting in their tail, thanks to lax base security!!"

 

"But, Sir", piped up the junior officer again, "We have civilian contractors looking after our perimeter security now, remember? We don't have to do picqueting any more! So why are you roaring at us?"

 

"Hmmm, I guess you're right," mused the CO. "Damn this new 21st Century order, with civilians and girls invading our ranks! It's enough to make a man turn to drink!!"

 

Just then, there was a knock on the door .....

 

 

[Captain]

..... 

 

"But, Sir", piped up the junior officer again, "We have civilian contractors looking after our perimeter security now, remember? We don't have to do picqueting any more! So why are you roaring at us?"

 

"Hmmm, I guess you're right," mused the CO. "Damn this new 21st Century order, with civilians and girls invading our ranks! It's enough to make a man turn to drink!!"

 

Just then, there was a knock on the door .....

 

…… and the CO noticed that the Moorabin Mincer was approaching from the direction of both the Male and Female dunnies.

 

"You can't do that in today's airforce, MM, unless you identify as a hermaphrodite" said the CO with a hint of disdain.

 

"I identify as a Herb-Afro-Wearer" said the Mincer as he reached down into his David Jones shopping bag to show the CO and the Onetrick his new pink & puce flying suit with diamante pips similar to that worn by a previous RAA President "It also has a quick action slippery zipper for those unanticipated situations where I meet a …… 

 

 

[turboplanner]

Previous RAA President who needs it [showing how generous Turbo is], which doesn’t happen very often, but....