The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

.....the CO interrupted. "I've had enough of this flim-flammery, exhibitionism, and transgender stuff! It's bad enough, that we can't tell the girls from the boys any more, or even tell if we are a girl or a boy! - but now, it's got worse, with a pile of M61 cannons going missing, without anyone seeing a thing!!"

 

The Captain cleared his throat and spoke. "I think I can find those cannons for you, Sir! I have some underworld contacts, that can be helpful for Intelligence. I can put pressure on these contacts, because they owe our family big-time, going back many decades, due to our family saving their skins, on more than one occasion".

 

Captain failed to mention the family bushranger ancestry, he thought it might not be helpful at this stage, as things were already getting complicated. 

 

The CO spoke again. "So, you reckon you can find these M61's and retrieve them, before anyone amongst the media reptiles, or the Canberra set, find out? Get going, man, your country needs you!!"

 

At that, Captain raced outside and jumped into his trusty Datsun 120Y, cranked it up in a cloud of blue smoke, and roared off to.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......throw all the pressure on to Turbo, who called up the CO and said “We found 87 deficiencies in your security system and another 47 faults in the M61s. How about we return the guns after tomorrow night with a confidential report for your eyes only and the guns all fixed?. Minister Marie Celeste doesn’t need to know.

 

“That’s an offer I can’t refuse; you’re a genius Turbo!” he replied.

 

 

 

….the Captain’s six oil tankers had entered the South China Sea area and were almost abeam Fiery Cross Reef.

 

General Ho Lee had identified them and his destroyer now had its name blacked out and had been called to General Quarters.

 

“We’ll have to go now” Turbo told Nobushi “we need to disable the destroyer and we also have to get the guns back to the RAAF.

 

“It daylight!” Nob pointed out.

 

“Not a problem” said Turbo, I’ll send Agent Sol Lee on to the destroyer and get her to organise early morning exercises to music on the aft deck. You’ll be taking off from the opposite end of the runway, so they won’t see you, and the way she plays music, they won’t hear you, and you’ll have your Turbine Geofencing, supplied by Turbine Corporation which will jam all electrics. “How we get Sol Lee off?” asked Nob. “Now’s not the time to talk about that…..oh I see what you mean; we’ll take her off in the Tyro.

 

In addition to the guns, the Corsairs now had the Iranian missiles on board, and at the insistence of Nob, some of the old WW2 bombs.

 

He had insisted on leading the attack and his strategy was a near vertical dive on the ship so momentum would carry the bombs directly to the ship. It was the South Africans who pointed out the necessity of a sharp pull up before the aircraft hit the water. “Funny, we were never trained for that” said Nob.

 

Once they heard the loud music from the other end of the Island they started the engines and the big 2800 hp Pratt and Whitneys banged, sawed and spluttered into life. The Corsair had been described by Nob as like a Jabiru with 28 engines and although the aircraft were carrying a huge load those big props would have no trouble hauling them into the air.

 

Nob had a disdain or such things as GPS based systems. “I use eyes” he said, that what God gave them to me for, and immediately peeled off into a dive, letting his bombs go at the last minute. The whistle of the Corvair on the way down put fear into all the Chinese on the island.

 

“JESUS NOB YOU HIT ONE OF OUR TANKERS!” yelled Fanie, “what……….”

 

 

[Captain]

Previous RAA President who needs it [showing how generous Turbo is], which doesn’t happen very often, but....

 

…… that just demonstrates the solidity and camaraderie of the LMBTQISF & IFR communities, something about which Turbo is justifiably very proud. (however, as everyone knows, anyone with an instrument rating is a bit suss).

 

Turbo smiled, checked that his instrument rating was still in his licence, drew himself up to his full 5' 4", zipped up his jump suit (the clasp of which had previously been hovering (aviation term) provocatively low (another aviation term) down near the Mincer's mince and he said ……... 

 

 

[Captain]

SPECIAL NOTICE, NOT FOR CONSUMPTION BY NORMAL PEOPLE - To all Pull(aviation term)-itzer aspirant NES writers, your beloved Captain apologises (CASA term) that he jumped (procreation term) a couple of posts with his last. The Capy is a bit of a dill (public service term) at times and didn't see (nor been seen) Tinks version of War & Piss in his post # 10477, nor onetrick's offensive post # 10476.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Further Special Notice: Who could not help but forgive the Captain for his mistakes; in fact this statement hereinafter applies to any post he makes, just in case he keeps up his indiscretions. Captain has often been called the Donald Trump of Rec Fline, but we are no Nancy Pelosis.

 

Who are we to judge if someone is still wetting his pants in his senior years, or eyeing off the female staff in McDonalds when he has his morning coffee, or ........

 

 

[onetrack]

Meantimes, Onetrack examines what Captain refers to as "offensive post #10476". Onetrack muses over how Captain appears to be suffering pain from references to his dubious family history. Against that reference, Onetrack examines Captains initial derogatory references to Onetracks family line of descent, a sly suggestion he's actually been working for a spy agency on the side - and the constant mispelling of Onetracks name into something exceptionally derogatory towards Onetracks character. However, Onetrack, being the military hero he is, as well as a businessman of repute and standing, shrugged off these snide attempts to belittle him, such is his self-assurance and forgiving nature. However, it is obvious that the pain Captain is experiencing is real,  so Onetrack, being the deeply caring individual that he is, delves deep into his medicine cabinet, to find something that Captain can take, to alleviate his overwhelming pain. Onetrack immediately finds what he reckons will work well for Captain, the recommendation is two tablets a day with water. 

 

[turboplanner]

The Captain had been on his diet of concrete pills for a week when............

 

 

[onetrack]

.... he realised they were actually working, and they'd stiffened his backbone, no end. Meantimes, while Nob was peeling away from his bombing dive, and Fanie was abusing him for hitting one of the Captains oil tankers - Fanie suddenly fell silent, as the realisation struck him, that the burning oil tanker, was Chinese! 

 

Nob smirked as he glanced over and saw the change come over Fanies expression. "You thought I'd failed that enemy ship recognition course, didn't you?

 

In fact, I graduated dux of the class, I can spot Chinese ships 10 NM off, I tell you! Of course, the big Red flag with the golden stars in the corner, is always a bit of a giveaway".

 

Fanie sat there stunned, as the big P&W's roared out their music, and Nob headed for home, job done.

 

"Those Chinese won't be getting very far without their oil tanker", said Nob. Suddenly, from out of the direction of the sun ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...came a strange noise and a.....

 

 

[Captain]

...came a strange noise and as .....

 

…… everyone knows, from the crappy Cappy's NES compositions, that he is anally creative.

 

This was further proven when, after a series tins of the onetrick's concrete pills the Cappy rolled (aviation term) onto one cheek and out popped a 1:18 scale version of the western sail of the (Sydney) Opera House. "Sydney" has been included in brackets because no other state has any decent Maison de 'Opera ……. and the strange noise referred to in Tink's above post was the tearing of Cappy's ……………...

 

The below photo shows the results after your beloved Captain had rolled onto alternate (another aviation term) cheeks 9 times (plus one other failed effort that will not be discussed here), which brought a few tears to the Cappy's other cheeks, but which had been cleaned up before the below picture was taken, let alone that the sails had been given a tub too.

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....newspaper as a smaller sail hit a nearby dense living residential tower breaking the tip off, which ricocheted straight back, also knocking his coffee cup over. He was furious; not wanting to spend $3 on another latte, but also not sure that a tiny chocolate colored coating hadn’t broken away from the chip and fallen into his coffee. As his hesitating hand moved closer to his small change.......

 

 

[onetrack]

... a nearby professional beggar swooped on it, and made off with it, enraging Captain to the point that he started to draw his 54 bore on the beggar, while he was still within the 20 yard range of the revolver.

 

But the Moorabbin Meanderer (which nickname he gained from his course-plotting abilities - or, lack of them) grabbed the Captains hand before he could produce the weapon, and calmed him down.

 

But the Captain then went on a verbal rampage, comparing the local professional beggars to pigeons, and loudly expressing the need for a major cull of the beggars, with shooting being the preferred culling option.

 

However, just as the Captain had about finished his diatribe, and was lowering his verbal volume ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

............the beggar sailed past in a bus, stuck his head out the window and gave the Captain a huge smile, with no teeth to be seen anywhere. "Bugger the beggar!" yelled Captain "get on the BIKE!"

 

Now not many people know that prior to the generational hiatus of this thread, the captain owned a pink Suzuki trucked up to look like a Harley. "It was a sound decision, he told us; I got the charisma of a Harley, and the reliability of Japanese build, saved me a fortune in parts" The problem wasn't the Suzuki so much as his matching pink leathers, peroxided hair, and white Nikes. He wasn't gay; we knew that for reasons we can't divulge right now as it would release a flood of Me Too claims, but it certainly attracted the attention of motorists.

 

And here he was, telling Turbo to get on his bike???????

 

Turbo made a move towards the bike, the Captain opened the throttle, and in a single move Turbo did a backflip and twisted sideways behind a car.

 

Captain didn't notice; his focus was totally on the bus. As he accelerated up beside it the beggar's face turned white; "Shoot the bastard!" he said to .........

 

 

[onetrack]

......no-one in particular. But the beggar heard him, and threw Captains small change out of the window, in utterly abject fear. Captain promptly braked hard, jumped off the bike, and ran back to pick up his small change. After all, change was money - and it was his money!! Luckily the traffic was light, because Captain was intent on finding every single coin, down to the last 5 cents. But just as Captain found the last 5 cent piece ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....he felt the need to release another concrete sail, so he bent over and.....................

 

 

[Captain]

....he felt the need to release another concrete sail, so he bent over and.....................

 

…….. out popped a 1:18 scale model of the art-deco clocktower (some say "shaft" (CASA aviation term) of Turbo's much loved Moorabin Town Hall. "The sharp edges around that clock are a pain" commented Capy as he re-applied the cream.

 

"Wow" commented onetrick "I didn't realise that Moorabin had such cultural icons."

 

"I agree" said HiHo "As I thought all Moorabin had was Tink and one of Karl Williams' Meth Labs …... where, by the way, I have always suspected that Turbo was the Cook ….. then distributed the product throughout OZ in his V115".

 

Turbid (who has been in witness protection since he rolled over [aviation term]) did a double take as he had been worried for months that his name would come up in the Royal Commission into the way that the Vic Police "managed" (wink wink term) Nicola Gobbo, because Turbo knew Nicola well from the time that she defended him successfully back when he was a gangland kingpin known by his Mediterranean name of ………..

 

The Moorabin clocktower and the clock that made the Skipper's eyes water, even at 1:18 scale.

 

 

 

[Captain]

Dear Reader.

 

Just in case you think Turbid was, or is, a flash Flyboy meth distributor and you are thinking of making a takeover offer from your lifer cell inside Pentridge, below is a pic of Tink's V115, which he had imported from Malaysia with the bodywork full of precursor liquid.

 

But the precursor wasn't the reason that Turbid cursed so much, it was because he became a Suzuki owner too, in a red colour that faded in weeks to nipple pink due to the bright Moorabin tropical sunshine, and the 115 cc's of Suzuki power meant that Tink had trouble keeping the front wheel on the ground (aviation term).

 

"Brrrrrrrrrm, Brrrrrrrrrm" Turbid used to say as he rode the bike around making his deliveries, so as to make it sound like the engine had power.

 

"He looks just like Ru Paul when he rides that thing" Benji used to say to Karl "Its embarrassing and giving our gangland caper a bad name (which is what he does now to the NES)."

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

Turbid (who has been in witness protection since he rolled over [aviation term]) did a double take as he had been worried for months that his name would come up in the Royal Commission into the way that the Vic Police "managed" (wink wink term) Nicola Gobbo, because Turbo knew Nicola well from the time that she defended him successfully back when he was a gangland kingpin known by his Mediterranean name of ………..

 

[introduction: Turbo has helpfully provided the end point of the story because the Captain, like a cow with the squirts was unable to stop himself as he thought up more fact-less dribble about an alleged red scooter]

 

...Santo Sortini. He remembered Nicola findly from those days of difficulty. "She gave everything" (legal reference) he said, "The police had said they smelled drugs, but I was eventually able to prove it was only the odour from the cat farm, which I admit did get a bit on the nose on a hot day." 

 

Still reeling from Captain's attempt to finger him, he went back to his Union mates, and had them declare the Captain, who by now was producing regular concrete building structures, large-scale concrete formwork. This triggered regular Worksafe audits of him, a requirement to wear a fluoro vest (instead of his natural tweed sports coat), and to have scaffolding erected around him at all times, including ........

 

 

[Captain]

[introduction: Turbo has helpfully provided the end point of the story because the Captain, like a cow with the squirts was unable to stop himself as he thought up more fact-less dribble about an alleged red scooter]

 

...Santo Sortini. He remembered Nicola findly from those days of difficulty. "She gave everything" (legal reference) he said, "The police had said they smelled drugs, but I was eventually able to prove it was only the odour from the cat farm, which I admit did get a bit on the nose on a hot day." 

 

Still reeling from Captain's attempt to finger him, he went back to his Union mates, and had them declare the Captain, who by now was producing regular concrete building structures, large-scale concrete formwork. This triggered regular Worksafe audits of him, a requirement to wear a fluoro vest (instead of his natural tweed sports coat), and to have scaffolding erected around him at all times, including ........

 

……… support that Turjid (still well known as Santo in Sicily and Lygon St, but never known to be a good Sort-ini ina Leetle Eeetaly) had from his long term mate Johannes Setback, who released a media statement which read in part "Turdy is a f'n great f'n bloke and if yez f'n don't f'n drop this f'n case I'll f'n ……………" and then he started to swear and even blaspheme in a manner that cannot be reported here.

 

"You can tell that this Johannes chap is one of Turdy's mates" said a rather delicate & shocked onetrick "And I, for one, don't ……….

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....but a size ten hand closed around hi throat. "You weren't picking on Turbo were you" said John very carefully. Realising Captain had nicely set him up, Onetrack, by now almost Twotracks, squawked; "You've made a mistake,............."

 

 

[Captain]

.....but a size ten hand closed around hi throat. "You weren't picking on Turbo were you" said John very carefully. Realising Captain had nicely set him up, Onetrack, by now almost Twotracks, squawked; "You've made a mistake,............."

 

…. as I am a card carrying member of the CFMELMBTQ community, see my rainbow hanky, my apricot/puce coloured Eureka Flag and my membership of the Moorabin Rissole.

 

Here Turgid smiled and thought about the fact that his best mate Cappy, had miss-located oneortwotrick in Victoria when he actually lives in Southern Indonesia just outside of Perth. But just at that time Tink's happy side kicked in and he started singing "You can stay at the YMC ……………..

 

A somewhat candid picture of Turgid in tight and revealing stubbies while being the Y in YMCA.

 

 

 

 

[onetrack]

.......meantimes, shocking events unknown to the readers, and unexplained by Turgid and Crappy, had happened on the highway, as Craptain ran off the road, trying to find a relatively secluded spot to pass his concrete clocktower, the urgency of its arrival making Crappy rather desperate.

 

It was most unfortunate, that right where he ran off the highway, looking for a bush to open his bowels behind, the vegetation was sparse, to say the least.

 

But Craptain found a bush, big enough to hide behind he thought, as he dropped his tweed daks. But unbeknowns to Craptain, the bush hid very little - and as he slid his daks down, they got away, and fell right to his ankles.

 

However, Craptain couldn't produce the effort to pull them up, he was heaving with renal effort, trying to force the clocktower through his all-too-tight sphincter.

 

If fact, it was well known that Craptain was a tight-arse. But it was going to get worse.

 

As he heaved, with daks around his ankles and his bare arse-cheeks on virtually full display to all on the highway, a bus load of young Nuns just happened upon the scene, being driven by their Mother Superior.

 

Imagine, if you will, the sight of Craptain, appearing to the Nuns, as the human equivalent of Cec the Ram, oblivious to passers-by, as he showed them sights that no-one should ever have to endure.

 

Upon sighting the horrible vision of a bare-arsed Craptain with his arse facing the highway, one third of the young nuns shreiked and fainted, one third giggled and pointed, and the other third jostled and elbowed each other, for a better look from the bus windows.

 

But the Mother Superior, fixated upon the shocking sight of Craptains bare arse cheeks and nut sack nearly reaching his ankles, was so distracted, she swerved across the highway and ran over.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....a South Queensland Humping Crane, one of the rarest birds in the world, which relies on a sparse vegetation for its take off runs, and is easily.....

 

 

[Captain]

....a South Queensland Humping Crane, one of the rarest birds in the world, which relies on a sparse vegetation for its take off runs, and is easily.....

 

…… distracted by the sight of a "nut-sack", as indeed is the highly religious Captain, who was shocked & upset at such a term being used in the, before this & pre-onetrick, highly respected NES, which our fearless leader EEEN was looking at publishing to make his 2nd fortune.

 

Turdy took out his new Nokia flip phone, waited for his party-line to finish their call, and called the Skipper "G'day your honour" he said with reverence "This onetrick bloke is becoming a bit of an issue eh?".

 

"Cut him some slack" was the Captains sympathetic reply as the Skipper was also a Defence Attorney and a Senior Barista at the Supreme Court's coffee shop "The poor bugger is from South Timor/Western South Australia where "nut-sack" is a term of endearment."

 

Turdy, ever decisive, thought about that for 20 minutes, gave them a scratch and replied …………... 

 

For the kiddies who read the NES, here is a pic of Turdboy's new flip-phone. (Note the aerial which he sometimes uses to clean his ears).

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

"....OT (hinting at a very close and respectful relationship) is the major sponsor for the local CWA"

 

The Captain squirmed; sooner or later it had to come out; every time there was a news story about Harvey Weinstein or the Me Too movement, Captain would flinch, and think about.....