The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

.... the time he spent in San Francisco, taking liberal advantage of their public nudity laws, to engage in naked frolics such as the Bay to Breakers race, and the Folsom Street Fair - all in the name of art, of course.

 

Naturally, once he'd been in SF for more than 2 years, he became a well-known vocal supporter of the LGBTQQIAAP groups, and regularly stripped off in their defence.

 

Of course, the sight of Captains corpulent and wrinkled naked body, with its sagging folds of skin, did nothing for the LGBTQQIAAP mob - in fact, it damaged their cause no end, due to the sheer number of people who became ill at the sight of a naked Captain.

 

But alas, then came in the cutely-named Wiener Bill, which cracked down on public nudity, and Captain decided he could no longer tolerate the dreadful artistic repression of the city, and left SF for good, never to return.

 

Upon his return to Australia, he sought out the warmth of Queensland and its nude gay beaches - of which, he was horrified to find there were none! He was appalled, and decided he would start....

 

 

[turboplanner]

a bikini factory, and introduce slightly skimpier models every two months. He'd get there eventually, he thought, but then...............

 

 

[Captain]

a bikini factory, and introduce slightly skimpier models every two months. He'd get there eventually, he thought, but then...............

 

………. how skimpy can you go if you are hung like Pharlap.

 

And speaking about horses, smiled the onetrick-pony with a glint in his eye and a lump in his sump. "I have an idea for you" onetrick texted to the adorable Captain and here is a photo for you.

 

The photo was a revelation and a bit of a turn-on, which encouraged Cappy to place an order in Sheng-Juan and had 2000 Chinese workers wetting themselves as the new production order came thru. (Note - There is an option to have pips added on the shoulders for any flyboys who want one, so text Cappy now so you don't miss out.)

 

"Hey" said Turdy "Is that onetrick or HidyHody? And what is that tiny …………...

 

 

And this is the European Union version

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....speck (avref) in the distance.

 

The speck expanded into a pair of wings and a......

 

 

[Captain]

....speck (avref) in the distance.

 

The speck expanded into a pair of wings and a......

 

……. huge nutsack with a …..

 

 

[turboplanner]

Selection of Hazel nuts, Pine nuts, Betel Nuts, Cashew Nuts, and of course Pea nuts, that all top aviators carry in their food sacks. Aviators always protect their health, because they only have to sneeze, cough or trip over a dog lying on the floor for a Code Blue alarm siren to go off in CASA HQ. In fact once Turbo only......

 

 

[Captain]

...... cleaned a kilo of lint out of his navel and a CASA investigator was at his door.

 

"This isn't the Lint Cafe matter, or an out of date map" said Tink, "It's just a normal navel clean & gaze that .....

 

 

[onetrack]

....shouldn't have brought any attention from anyone. But speaking of attention", said Turgid, "Did anyone initiate an investigation in that reported illegal and shockingly dangerous low-flying, by that bloke they're calling the Kapooka Kid??"

 

"No, we never heard a thing about anything like that, tell us more!", said the CASA investigator, his ears pricking up like a sheep dog sighting a paddock full of wethers.

 

"Ahhh, it was probably handled at a high level" said Turgid, "You know, bulging brown paper bags under the desk, and all that kind of thing, that regularly goes in New Suss Wales".

 

"Brown paper bags??" queried the CASA snoop. "You mean, as in brown paper bags with money in them, to makes awkward things go away??". "Yep", said Turgid, "this bloke is well known for avoiding investigation into anything he.....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...gets involved in.

 

The CASA Operative (CO=avref term) thought about it all day and then did what all Cos did when they had to make a decision; he went home and told his mother.

 

Now not many people know that terms like "brown bagging" and inference of money in a bag for favours originated in the 1920s when CWA members would but a penny in their little child's lunch bag so he could buy at treat of a Liquorice Square at the school tuck shop. It was as innocent as that, and when sundry gangsters such as Squizzy Taylor, Loxette Snr, and Captain Midnight started using the terms the CWA ladies were outraged; and the CO's mother was a paiud up membere of the CWA. She.......

 

 

[Captain]

...gets involved in.

 

The CASA Operative (CO=avref term) thought about it all day and then did what all Cos did when they had to make a decision; he went home and told his mother.

 

Now not many people know that terms like "brown bagging" and inference of money in a bag for favours originated in the 1920s when CWA members would but a penny in their little child's lunch bag so he could buy at treat of a Liquorice Square at the school tuck shop. It was as innocent as that, and when sundry gangsters such as Squizzy Taylor, Loxette Snr, and Captain Midnight started using the terms the CWA ladies were outraged; and the CO's mother was a paiud up membere of the CWA. She.......

 

…… spat the dummy and pulled (Turbo term) out the CWA Book of Swear Words ………….. but 1st she had a cup of tea, a Bex (with a use-by-date of 1927) and let fly with a spray of CWA approved blasphemes "You jolly …………………….

 

 

[onetrack]

...... well better get back out there, and find that Kapooka Kid, and lay charges against him! That's what CASA is for, charging pilots who don't and won't obey the rules!"

 

"But Mum!", protested the CASA Operative, "That means I have to do some legwork, instead of deskwork! You know I much prefer deskwork! - issuing more rulings and regulations is easier than catching errant pilots!"

 

At that, Captain peered in through the window, holding a brown paper bag below windowsill level, so the CASA Operative wouldn't see it, and knock him flying, in a dash to grab it. "Psst! - Hey, Kid!" said Captain, I've ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....got a bag of......., but an FOI just happened to be......

 

 

[Captain]

....got a bag of......., but an FOI just happened to be......

 

….. listening in as he had obtained a court order to investigate onetrick's denigration of the fine professionals at CASA and he snapped to attention & blurted out the usual CASA mantra like the National Anthem before the Grand Final "We have never victimised any LAME and we are here to assist all pilots."

 

"Just a mo there" said the Kapooka Kitch "Are you a Flying Operations Inspector or a Fakultet Organizacije Informatike-Varazdin?" thinking of the connection that Turdy and HiHo had with the old Iron Curtain and the highjinx that they both got up to over there back in the good old days before they bought their Czech walking frames.

 

"Ich bin ein Fachoberinspektor" said the CASA dude "Und ich bin bloody proud of it, now stand against that wall while we tattoo a CASA logo onto your sack of nuts and .........

 

 

[onetrack]

...."wait up", said a voice, and out of the gloom appeared a Snr-Sgt of the New Suss Wales Police Fuss. "There won't be any tattooing of that man's nut sack! - he's a Person of Interest in a case involving obscene exposure in front of a bus load of Nuns, and we need his nut sack undamaged and unmarked, as it's going to be Prima Facie evidence, once we get this relcalcitrant individual arrested, and placed before a Magistrate. "Do I arrest him now?", said the dim-witted Constable Deadwood, the offsider to Snr-Sgt Bigstick. "Hang on Deadwood", said Snr-Sgt Bigstick, "We need to question this individual further, to make sure we've got the right bloke. We've got the wrong bloke more than once, and it doesn't reflect well at all on the New Suss Wales Police Fuss, if we keep doing that". "But, but, but!", squeaked the Kapooka Kid, as he realised that low-flying charge was going to be small fry compared to getting done for IE. Besides, he didn't have enough cash and brown paper bags at hand to pay both CASA and The Police off. "But, I wasn't showing off my nutsack to a busload of Nuns, they just happened to be passing by, as I was passing a concrete clock tower!". "Hang on", said Const Deadwood, a furrow creasing his brow, "How could you be passing a clock tower, while a busload of Nuns was passing you? And just how fast were you going past this clock tower, anyway??" At that .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...moment Turbo walked up with a couple of McDonalds vouchers and two free passes to the next Southland fashion show, and whisked the Captain away.

 

"I'm just stumbling from one disaster to the next these days" he wailed, and Turbo wondered whether it was early onset of....

 

 

[Captain]

...moment Turbo walked up with a couple of McDonalds vouchers and two free passes to the next Southland fashion show, and whisked the Captain away.

 

"I'm just stumbling from one disaster to the next these days" he wailed, and Turbo wondered whether it was early onset of....

 

...... TOS ...... Turbo Overload Syndrome .... and everyone on Rec Flying knows that  Turdy is, indeed, a TOSser.

 

However, as everyone also knows, 2 Maccas vouchers and the Skipper is anyone's, and that was the start of the great ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

....change in the Captain. An IE carge would never have worried him in the past; he’d drop it out anywhere. Turbo gave him a Bible and an old Drifter to do up after he’d expressed a liking for the old rag and bone machines, and he was freshly showered and dressed and busy fixing a seat cushion when....

 

 

[onetrack]

.... there was a knock on the door, and upon answering it, Captain was surprised to find a Consumer Affairs official, notebook at the ready. "You are the gentleman known as Captain (a-la "the Rat"), correct?" said the official. "Yes, but I also go under the alias, the Kapooka Kid", squeaked the The Rat. "But I haven't done anything wrong! - and if I have, I'm sure a brown paper bag with some money in it, will fix things, won't it?

 

The CA official waved his finger, "You should know not to try and bribe public officials, there are seriously penalties for illegal behaviour like that!". "Not in NSW, there isn't!", interjected The Rat.

 

The CA official went on, "We have reason to believe you have been infringing copyrights and patents by producing copies of a certain famous Victorian clocktower, without authority, against regulations", intoned the official.

 

"No, no, I only produced a prototype for personal interest!", said the Captain, quaking in fear, realising that .....

 

 

[Captain]

..... his empennage still ached from the passage of that clock tower. "And now you are being a pain in the empennage too, just like Turdy & .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

..Hi Ho Silver, who needs to get his spurs moving.

 

But the CA official wouldn't be swayed. "everyone says that" he said,"but how come you've got a price tag on the clock tower?"

 

"Have I? "asked the Captain, quite surprised himself and blanched as he started to feel another tower coming; how could he get out of this one.

 

"I'm against price tags per say" [Turbo is picking up on the modern changes to the English language on this forum, also rejecting the Latin phrase "per se" even though he is fluent in Latin]

 

The Captain turned back to the CA official, and with a sweet smile, said "I'm an official at this airport, could you show me your ASIC card please?"

 

"My what?" the CA official asked, somewhat less sure of himself and was taking a step backwards, behind the fence, when.....

 

 

[Captain]

..... he volunteered that "No ASIC card in my wallet today, the dog must have eaten it, but I do have an ASSH#LE card, don't we all and this one is sub-endorsed "Ultralite Division".

 

This rang a bell with your dynamic Skipper as back around NES post #2500, Turdboy had been given an identical description by Mavis of the CWA.

 

"Hey Tink-abell" he called "Are you a .........

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....but he got no further because Mavis had just lifted her head above the Bain Marie ( not related to Marie Celeste, Defence Minister) and the look of venom in her eyes would have made a prize fighter wet himself (as Captain regularly did). “NEVER” use that term about Turbo AGAIN!” She said and the sphincter of everyone in the terminal cafe tightened, because they knew this was as bad as serving a sponge cake without a cake fork. “I ........”

 

 

[Captain]

....... won't have a bad word said about that stud who is well named as Turbo, as back in our day he would have been known as a Steam Engine by all the girls at the CWA .... and he really knows how to please a 95 year old, because he just loves younger women.

 

Onezie, in the meantime thought that the NES was getting a little too risque and .....

 

 

[onetrack]

.... decided to step in, to raise the tone of the whole discussion. "Alright", said Onetrack, "I think we need to set some rules, and probably include a whole heap of regulations, too. In fact, I think we probably need to appoint some ex-CASA employees to oversee the discussion, as they are the experts in this field of rules and regulations. Then we can apportion blame more evenly, when people step out of line."

 

"Hang on", said the Rat, "I've never complied with a rule or regulation in my life! - and I'm not starting now, at my advanced age!"

 

"Oh", said Onetrack - "So I guess this actually means you've been illegal all your life, and it's not likely you'll ever become legal?"

 

"Well, if you want to put it that way", said the Rat ...

 

 

[Captain]

...... "But how can anyone take an NES post serious when authored by a WA bloke (or bloke-ette) in an emu onesie."

 

"I have always loved my emu onesie" said onesie "And I'm so proud of being a noble emu that below is a pic of me taken tonight."

 

"Crikey" said Ratty (but erky perky, why are those legs so far apart) and he .....