The Never Ending Story

[onetrack]

.... ran off to find his own, long-lost onesie that he'd forgotten about. Yes, folks, ol' Ratty-Rattus had actually been given a onesie as a gift upon completion of his flying course.- and the Rat had fallen in love with it.

 

As his instructor had often complained, "Rat, you're the biggest turkey I've ever had to try and train up, to an acceptable flying standard ..." - so the entire course chipped in to award the Rat, exactly what he deserved ....

 

 

 

[hihosland]

to accommodate the special trans-continental diaper that he had designed and manufactured in the Spratleys for his upcoming .....

 

 

[onetrack]

....gender reassignment. "Yes, you heard it here, first", said the Rat. I've always been dissatisfied with my gender, and now, after many years of struggling with my identity, and seeing how even some of our top military brass have changed from being men to women, and vikky verka - I reckon it's good enough for me to do it, too! Besides, what a great way to confuse the enemy, to change your gender!! Now, I'll have to see if my new shoes will operate the rudder pedals satisfactorily in the Corsair, without the high heels getting jammed under them!" At that, Captain decided he'd go shopping for ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....agenda.......

 

 

[onetrack]

.... that suited him. At the Medical Centre, he was surprised to see Turgid. "Please take a seat", said the receptionist. "Someone will be with you shortly. Meantimes, you may like to study this available gender chart".

 

The Rat sat down alongside Turgid and peered at the chart he'd been given. "Oooh! - look!!", he pointed out to Turgid - "'Androgynous' is first on the list!! That really appeals to me, I could confuse the hell out of the enemy!!"

 

Next thing, the receptionist is saying to the Rat, "The Nurse will see you now, Mr Rat, to prepare you for surgery".

 

"SURGERY!!!", yelped Rat - "No-one told me anything about surgery being needed for gender reassignment!! I thought it was just a matter of choosing one, sort of like choosing from a colour chart!!"

 

"I hate surgery! - ever since that circumcision operation I had when I was a week old, that left me unable to walk for 12 months, I've hated surgery!! It's painful and debilitating! I'm not going ahead with this!"

 

At that, the Rat made a bolt for the door .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

..........but he was a fraction too late.

 

Turbo's vice-like grip had him by the leg and dragged him back into the surgery. "I've just been told the Tyro's [long overdue avref] overweight so I'm going to have to choose Eunich" he said, and if I have to, you're going to have the same conversion, even........

 

 

[onetrack]

...if I have to drag you screaming and kicking into the surgery". And scream and kick is what the Rat did, big-time. "EUNUCH!!??", he screamed, whilst kicking at Turgids shins - "That's not even a currently recognised gender!!"

 

"Oh yes, it is!", said Turgid, his grip tightening, as he held the Rat out at arms length, to prevent further damage to his sore shins.

 

Suddenly the surgeon appeared, and the Rat gasped and shuddered, and screamed louder. The surgeon was onetrack!!! And he was waving a scalpel!!

 

"This is a plot!! A cruel and heinous plot!!" screeched the Rat - "and you're in on it, too, Turgid!! I should've known, when you produced those Maccas vouchers, you were up to no good!!"

 

"Listen here", said Turgid, "as sure as God made little green apples"....

 

 

[turboplanner]

......you're going under the knife and your little green apples will ne used for salad at the local Flying Club (avref), where they don't know.......

 

 

[Captain]

......you're going under the knife and your little green apples will ne used for salad at the local Flying Club (avref), where they don't know.......

 

…… your old name and from here on you'll be Anne Drogynedes, a lady of Grikk descent and the plaything of a Melbourne taxi driver." said the Turbot, who's lack of talent always went some way to contributing to his dearth of stratagem.

 

Then the rodent perked up (as he'd been trying to get rid of that fur-ball for days) and trotted out that old joke "If I'm over weight, the only way I can lose 10 kgs is to cut a foot off the end of it."

 

This brought a smile to Turdboy's face (which always made him look like he was auditioning for The Joker), he drew himself up to his full height by pushing down hard on his walking frame  and winked (bloody spellcheck is always an issue with that word, as every time Tink is involved it wants to substitute an "a" for the "i") at the onetrick and commented ………………..

 

Below is that well-known Turbot smile that does so much to allow him to snare the CWA Ladies, this time taken by a security camera after a particularly egregious Morrabin crosswind landing. 

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

........."I named him with sympathy and compassion after a well-known Greek family with links to aviation."

 

Not many people know that it was not the Wright Brothers who built the first aircraft to fly, but Daedalus Drogynedes, a Greek fish and chip shop owner. He designed a set of wings made from feathers and stuck them to his arms with wax.

 

Daedalus had a son Icarus Drogynedes and taught him how to fly but warned him not to fly too high because the hot sun would melt the wax, or too low because the feathers would get wet in the sea and lose their lift.

 

[Fact: these two logical and well-founded safety regulations were the base on which all CASA decisions and regulations are formulated today]

 

Nobody really knows what they did to upset the Government of the day, but they were locked up in a tower so high that the Officer in charge used to say, I’d like to see someone jump out of THAT!”

 

Daedalus got a job in the prison kitchen, where he had to pluck the geese for meals and separate the beeswax from the honeycomb, and soon they jumped out of the window and were on their way.

 

Icarus, like all sons, and some current pilots, thought rules were for wankers and flew higher and higher, and sure enough the wax melted and he fell into the sea and drowned.

 

This area was later named the Icarus Sea and a nearby island named Icaria (now YICA), and of course the world’s Peak Aviation Body was named ICAO.

 

The Captain was so overcome that Turbo had given him this famous name that he forgot...................

 

 

[Captain]

This area was later named the Icarus Sea and a nearby island named Icaria (now YICA), and of course the world’s Peak Aviation Body was named ICAO.

 

The Captain was so overcome that Turbo had given him this famous name that he forgot...................

 

…….. that it was a terrible pun on Turdy's own nickname "IckyArse".

 

"Our beloved Captain is a great bloke and a terrific pilot" said Turdy, factually but generously "And I thought it funny to stick him with my own ……………….

 

A little known photo of Turbo at a Moorabin Gay Bar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

…secret name which the Captain’s parents had never told him about.

 

Not many people know that Anne Drogenedes was actually Ameila Earhart.

 

Anne had hung around airctraft since Biggles used to take her for joyrides. In fact that’s how the work “joyride” was coined (although there were no coins involved).

 

When Howard Hughes started making films, Anne was a regular on the set, fixing up biplanes with a combination of super glue and baking soda when a strut broke or a rode went through the side, or even when a valve seat fell out.

 

Hughes decided to make a film about her, but he thought “You couldn’t call it “Anne”, and “The real Androgenedes” just didn’t sound American, so he said “Sign this contract and you’ll have enough money to fly, but you’ll have to change your name to Amelia Earhart”.  It was an offer she couldn’t refuse and as he had predicted, she became famous, so through his association with Lockheed, he provided her with the Lockheed Electra L-10E. and the rest was history………or was it?

 

Certainly not according to Admiral Purvis E Turbine, Turbo’s grandfather, who had told Turbo the real story of what happened, when Turbo was just five year’s old, a few months after his forst solo in an Auster J5.

 

Turbo is reluctant to tell the story, even to his good friend the Captain, in case it got out, but Anne Drogenedes was still alive, and……

 

[below: The Captain at the age of sixteen; an unmistakeable likeness.]

 

[Note to readers: The unfortunately photo which Captain recently posted was a Fake because (a) Turbo's dog doesn't have mange, and (b) Turbo wasn't there that night.]

 

 

 

[Captain]

.... the heritage was clear from that photo that everyone's beloved Skipper is related to Elizabeth Warren and therefore destined to be the "First Bloke" if Liz wins the Whitehouse.

 

"See the high cheekbones?" said Liz. "That means I'm a Cherokee Indian and the crappy Cappy is my Medicine Man".

 

"All he has is Panadol" volunteered the onetrick pony in the put-down of the year, whose TeePee had just been ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...found to contain more pee than tee, and the caravan park owner had told him he might be evicted.

 

"You've been driving pressurised bulldozers for too long", the Manager said " and unless to trake down that top shelf where you keep all the booze you're....

 

 

[Captain]

...found to contain more pee than tee, and the caravan park owner had told him he might be evicted.

 

"You've been driving pressurised bulldozers for too long", the Manager said " and unless to trake down that top shelf where you keep all the booze you're....

 

..... mystified like I am about the Turdster's use of the word "trake", which turned out is an old Cherokee term of disparagement, with connotations about the issue Turbo had been charged with in 1964 as a 40 year old virgin, when .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...he had explained to the New Delhi Judge that in no way was he referring to the Judge as a “two bit injun who should have bee scalped at birth” but was using the English word “trake” in it’s purest sense, as used by 19th Century Royalty, namely Queen Victoria (Vicky in Turbo’s household) to mean “float” such as a tea cup floating through the air, or in this case a dozen gin bottles, which......

 

 

[Captain]

..... which disclosed that Turbo's real name was Albert, Vickie's consort, and it was Turbo's invention of, & royalties from, the "Prince Albert" which has funded his aviation pursuits since 1896 and which was also the object of his skywriting performance, that was well known as .......

 

Turbo at the coronation.

 

 

And a photo of Turbo's latest skywriting effort over Port Melbourne ....

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

..... which disclosed that Turbo's real name was Albert, Vickie's consort, and it was Turbo's invention of, & royalties from, the "Prince Albert" which has funded his aviation pursuits since 1896 and which was also the object of his skywriting performance, that was well known as .......

 

Turbo at the coronation.

 

 

And a photo of Turbo's latest skywriting effort over Port Melbourne ....

 

 

[special Note" For anyone who wants to copy this unique skywriting design, the white bits are the easy part if you can hold a bearing and make a Rate 2 turn without losing altitude, spinning etc, but the balls and highlighting are particularly difficult, especially if there's a wind.]

 

P.S. that one was drawing in CTA and required about 256 separate radio transmissions to get each move approved. We all had a beer afterwards.

 

 

[Captain]

[special Note" For anyone who wants to copy this unique skywriting design, the white bits are the easy part if you can hold a bearing and make a Rate 2 turn without losing altitude, spinning etc, but the balls and highlighting are particularly difficult, especially if there's a wind.]

 

P.S. that one was drawing in CTA and required about 256 separate radio transmissions to get each move approved. We all had a beer afterwards.

 

...... "The balls take balls" commented Eeen who is a skywriting officionado "Not to mention his Hammerhead, and that's why Tink & his right hand are so ..... "

 

 

[Captain]

To our dear throng of NES readers, (where the NES is trending on Twitter) I must advise confidentially that the withdrawal of US troops from Syria has caused a major incident down Moorabin way when officials from the Turkish Embassy raided Le Maison de Turbs.

 

"We thought the Turd was a Kurd" said Erdogan in his speech to the UN (who were all asleep at the wheel and rooting for Greta to win the Nobel "Troubled-Little-Teenager" and Manipulated Dickhead Prize).

 

Then Mustafa, Turdy's personal bodyguard and oil wrestler added "But we have decided to keep him as he is such a dag (Turdy reference), he is funnier than Julian Assange, and you should see what he can do with a Kabab and a bucket of …………………..

 

 

[turboplanner]

......Kentucky Fried Chicken and half a dozen bottles from Captain's favourite Brown Bros cellar. (Turbo got away with more than gnomes).

 

The Turkish raiding party were overcome bt Turbo's hospitality. "All we get at home is cold goat!" they wailed, and Turbo entertained them with movies of the old times at Gallipoli when.....

 

 

[Captain]

..... The Turkish raiding party were overcome by Turbo's hospitality. "All we get at home is cold goat!" they wailed, and Turbo entertained them with movies of the old times at Gallipoli when.....

 

... he had found the goats to be both warm & receptive.

 

"All you gotta do is take 'em out to dinner & a show" replied Turbs "And then .....

 

 

[turboplanner]

"'''''''cut their throats, skin them, gut them and leave them to hang for a few days in the sun.".

 

The Captain, who was a City person was horrified. "Why would you do that to an innocent goat, they'little people just like us" he wailed.

 

"Because of your ancestry background" I can understand that" said Turbo sympathetically, but I won't tell the Captain Cook story.  "Just as a matter of interest, where do you think goat meat comes from?"

 

"you milk a goat to get it" replied the Captain with that clever look he had perfected.

 

And that, NES readers is the owner of one of the biggest oil tanker fleets in the world, the Wagga Wagga Tin Shed Apartments, and the Gumly Gumly Driving School complex, where....

 

 

[Captain]

..... crude (oil) flows freely (like Turbo's love), accommodation is plentiful and the goats are nervous.

 

"Justa look ata that" said Turdy "i built-a alla that wall by the Harbour but do-a they calla me Turdboy the wallbuilder? No-a they don't ...... but justa one indiscretion, and-a you ........

 

 

[turboplanner]

...STUFFED!”

 

Turbo still resented the time he innocently put a 10 cent piece in......