The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

Photo of Turdboy, taken last week.

 

He does indeed look like Rod Stewart, is is it the way James Stewart looks now, 6 ft under.

 

 

[turboplanner]

Photo of Turdboy, taken last week.

 

He does indeed look like Rod Stewart, is is it the way James Stewart looks now, 6 ft under.

 

Turbo wishes to strongly refute this photo; it has been retouched.  Turbo has never worn a striped suit in his life, would never wear a poofy flower, always wears a tie, and always has his hair neatly cut, except for...

 

 

[Captain]

Turbo wishes to strongly refute this photo; it has been retouched.  Turbo has never worn a striped suit in his life, would never wear a poofy flower, always wears a tie, and always has his hair neatly cut, except for...

 

..... the bits where his substantial scalp is bursting through, like a ......

 

 

[onetrack]

... truckie. However, someone found out that Turgid had actually been an International truck driver - and we all know from the Naked Vicar Show, that International truck drivers wear high heels and fishnet stockings. But the Rat, as a result of his "little operation", started to become jealous of Turgids heels and fishnet stockings (even more so than Alexander Downer), and he plotted a way to steal them from Turgid. He planned to wait until Turgid had left them somewhere - probably a clothesline was best - and then he could whip them off the line faster than a wartime DC-3 doing a glider snatch (avref). However, there was a snag ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

.................on the clothesline which ripped a large hole in one of the stockings, and fishnet stockings with holes in them had been the hallmark of Volvo drivers started in the G88 era when they wore out the seat of their pants, and progressing through a series of models which all took a toll on the drivers, whether snagging a stocking leg as the seat coils popped out, or snacking a stocking knee when the power divider switch lever starts drooping. Captain being a pink Suzuki rider wasn't aware of these nuances, didn't even know you had to wear a blue singlet, and walked straight into the trap when he put them on and....

 

 

[Captain]

.................on the clothesline which ripped a large hole in one of the stockings, and fishnet stockings with holes in them had been the hallmark of Volvo drivers started in the G88 era when they wore out the seat of their pants, and progressing through a series of models which all took a toll on the drivers, whether snagging a stocking leg as the seat coils popped out, or snacking a stocking knee when the power divider switch lever starts drooping. Captain being a pink Suzuki rider wasn't aware of these nuances, didn't even know you had to wear a blue singlet, and walked straight into the trap when he put them on and....

 

…… looked into his full length mirror.

 

"Wow" he thought and said as he turned sideways to show off the entire package (fully glimpsable thru the fishnet), because Dear Reader, he had an obvious talent plus he had a strategy of how he could use his talent to advance the cause of Recreational Aviation as a whole (or hole) and Rec Flying in particular …….. if only he knew or could deduce what the heck Turbulence was trying to impart in his post #10580.

 

So if Eean or any other clairvoyant reader can assist it would be appreciated, as Rec Flying's beloved Skipper cannot decipher "snacking a stocking knee when the power divider switch lever starts drooping".

 

The Skipper is aware of the naughty connotations of Tink's words "snacking" (which the Cappy always enjoys) and "drooping" (which the Cappy never does) but when forensically examined in its entirety, it sounds like a discombobulated Daniel Andrews speech to the Labour Party's Annual Convention (where the theme for 2019 is "Aldi Bags and their Implications").

 

Then the penny (or $100,000) dropped and after re-reading Turbo's 5,233 posts on Rec Flying, the Skipper's deductive intellect, strategy, and Investigative Journalism talents enables him to now, definitely and positively disclose that Turdboy is actually Danny Andrews The Premier Dickhead of Victoria and the below photo proves that conclusively (further confirmed by Daniel's uncanny resemblance to rocking Roddy Stewart).

 

The thousands of NES readers were stunned. "That bloke's a wanka" (which is extra proof that Daniel is Turbo) they said in unison "And in particular he's even a …………..

 

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....red shirt rorter!  (which is several steps up the truckie scale from the fishnets).

 

"I make no apology for that" said Daniel, "because I've been an admirer of Turbo for years, but I'm not Turbo, I just don't have enough skill and expertise to do what he does."

 

"When Victoria lost the Turbine Cat Farm to Queensland" I was devastated continued Dan. "You'd still be driving on dirt roads in Queensland without the massive haul of State fur taxes, and food taxes. Turbo's masterpiece of selling Kentucky Fried Cat thoughout China, and the Rat's chain on the Sub Continent allowed Anna Bligh to retire and run the Banking Industry after that, while here I am having to bullsh!t about electricity prices, try to find another unsispecting country to export our rubbish to, and learn what an NRL is.................."

 

 

[Captain]

....red shirt rorter!  (which is several steps up the truckie scale from the fishnets).

 

"I make no apology for that" said Daniel, "because I've been an admirer of Turbo for years, but I'm not Turbo, I just don't have enough skill and expertise to do what he does."

 

"When Victoria lost the Turbine Cat Farm to Queensland" I was devastated continued Dan. "You'd still be driving on dirt roads in Queensland without the massive haul of State fur taxes, and food taxes. Turbo's masterpiece of selling Kentucky Fried Cat thoughout China, and the Rat's chain on the Sub Continent allowed Anna Bligh to retire and run the Banking Industry after that, while here I am having to bullsh!t about electricity prices, try to find another unsispecting country to export our rubbish to, and learn what an NRL is.................."

 

……… but despite all of these protestations, Daniel and Tinky Wink could not separate their personas.

 

As was established to be an immutable fact by The Life of Brian, and I quote ……….. "Only the true Daniel denies his Turbidity".

 

And besides, Daniel could take off without wings (avref), given the size of his flappers (see the above photo) and the below pic (for comparison) of Tink that I just captured live & secretly thru Turbo's computer camera while he was watching his early morning porn.

 

"If they are not the same bloke I'll eat my hat" interjected the onetrick who was very glad that he lives 3000 kms further west (alternatively 26500 kms further east), but he did regret ………..

 

 

Our beloved Turbo (note the helical shape of the back of his head and hence his name).

 

 

[turboplanner]

......no longer owning the F7 230 6x4 with sleeper cab. It was so slow you could put a mower deck on it and contract to the road authorities to make extra money on the trip, steered like an itchy bull, and humped for 200 metres every time you took off, but it was home......better than the old chicken coop out near the rabbit-proof fence he lived in now. He picked up his rabbit stick and went looking for.....

 

 

[Captain]

......no longer owning the F7 230 6x4 with sleeper cab. It was so slow you could put a mower deck on it and contract to the road authorities to make extra money on the trip, steered like an itchy bull, and humped for 200 metres every time you took off, but it was home......better than the old chicken coop out near the rabbit-proof fence he lived in now. He picked up his rabbit stick and went looking for.....

 

….. Lasseter's last ride, plus the reef that he rode her on.

 

(As an aside, Dear Reader, you can see from the last post that Turbo was in a lot of strife, because whenever he has been outed in the NES, he reverts to trucking analogies to hide his shame. And just imagine what a boring tit he would be at dinner parties, talking about axle sizes and the number of splines in a Freightliner diff. Why, that might be even more boring than Daniel "Tinky-Wink" Andrews (the Turbot's alter ego) when he takes all the girls from the office, down to Lygon St to regale them with tales of the cancelled expressway and the time he flew his PA28, LSA55, J160, J170, V115, AA5B, C210 out of Moorabin on his way to the Sydney Truck Show, when Danny was just a …………..

 

 

[onetrack]

... bumbling electoral organiser, just learning the ropes on how to lose elections when you can't possibly lose, as Labor are excellent at doing. But talking of losers, there's nothing more embarrassing than finding that you've lost your specific gender, and you're now in no-man's land, metaphorically speaking. This is what has happened to the Rat, and now that he's come to the conclusion after seeing his dreadful image in the mirror, that wearing high heels and fishnet stockings, could possible only identify him as a serving MP doing entertainment on the side, he rapidly cast them off, and went looking for more suitable clothing to go with his wattle-and-bark humpy residence that he normally lives in (when he's not hanging around airport perimeters, trying to get regular sniffs of Avgas and burnt tyre rubber from hard landings) (long overdue avref). But when he went looking for kangaroo-skin coats and lap-laps, he found no-one stocked them anymore, since they emptied the Native Reservations and installed the former inhabitants into places such as Moorabbin and Kapooka. The big problem with this divisive relocation, however, was that it led to most of the aircraft in Moorabbin and Kapooka ending up on blocks, as all their wheels disappeared overnight. Furthermore, it was found that all the aircraft alternators had disappeared, too, and it was suspected that these were stolen simply for their copper content. The Rat has gained the title, "Person of Interest", on the NSW Police computer, as a result of the major investigation launched, as to who's been knocking off all the aircraft wheels and alternators. But when the Rat was being interviewed for an exclusive 7:30 Report on the Stolen Generations, his first bold statement to the interviewer was, "I don't know nothing about no stolen generators!!" This led to ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

....Detective Doubtfire falling about laughing. "We visited his humpy, and met all the bros, and one of them, Paddy took us to a particularly dense stand of wattles, and inside we found 173 alternators, minus their copper, and 147 aircraft tyres."

 

At first we wondered why there were were no reports of stolen tyres from Wagga Wagga International, and then we realised that these thefts dated from the days when the Captaion owned a Jab 230, and he admitted flying all over Australia to satisfy his fetish for tyre until one day..........

 

 

[Captain]

EDITORIAL COMMENT - Dear Reader, we apologise to all races who may be offended by the dengration of the various races by the onetrick & The Turbo. One their behalf we apologise unreservedly as the stolen generators & inverters have been located in a 40 ft container parked behind a Freightliner behind Tink's joint. "That's not my Freightliner eh" said Tink in his best impersonation of Ernie Dingo and Dave Gulpallil.

 

 

[turboplanner]

What was going on with the Captain whose spelling was norally impeccable; "dengration?" we badly need Dazza hear to give him a ten minute lecture.

 

Could he be one of these "glass half full people" who always manage to stuff up everything they do?

 

And this obsession in trying to pin Turbo's identity on the Premier of Victoria, who it must be said, does look like a BMW with the doors open.

 

"I make no apologies for that" the Premier has just tweeted,  "but I wish you'd stop using makeup Turbo.

 

And then it dawned on him, the Captain was desperately trying to use Turbo as a diversion, but why?

 

What could have happened to get Captain into such a frenzy in such a.....................

 

Photo below showing Captain on the night he won the CWA basket at the Gumly Gumly CWA ball.

 

 

 

[onetrack]

....rapid manner? Of course, there was a hidden agenda to the Captains subtle efforts to pin Turgid as a leading MP. It was to ensure that the attention of the readers of NES was diverted from the Captains regular failed attempts to become a politician himself. His aim of course, once he got into power, was to shut down Moorabbin airport, and ensure that Turgid couldn't fly from his home base, and had to revert to driving his rustbucket F86 Volvo fitted with the International 9900 Eagle badges, to get to distant regions. The reason the F86 was fitted with International 9900 Eagle badges was all to do with trying to impress the general unwashed public, that he really wasn't driving a Volvo, and he was actually flying with the Eagles. As the Captain was wont to say ...

 

 

[Captain]

..... and as everyone knows, the numbers 9900 and the designation F86 are highly charged codes in the LMBTQIUN community, generally similar in meaning to the yellow hanky that The Onetrick uses in that club in Freo.

 

Turdy knows all those signals and responded to The Pony with a PM that commenced with the following paragraph ......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......just a word of warning Onetrick; the Captain showing signs that one of his periodic unstable periods, which he has periodically from time to time is about to start. In the past we've had to winch him down from the roof of the MCG, naked and that's probably the mildest attack so far, so whatever you do, don't be tempted to get into a debate about his mate Trump because...

 

 

[onetrack]

... he'll start on about Gun Control in Australia, and how he should be able to fondle an M61 cannon anytime he likes - in fact, he believes the End of the World is actually related to Total Gun Control, and as such he's joined up with leading American Preppers, and has stocked his 20 foot seatainer that's buried under 2 metres of dirt and concrete in his backyard, with an array of firearms and dehydrated food, enough to see him through the predicted 5 year Nuclear Night, which happens after they come for all his guns. He's been seen peering through the curtains on moonlit nights, with the house fully darkened, to ensure they aren't spying on him. The only thing he's not sure about is whether they'll come for his ASIC card too (avref noted), and whether he should fight for that, as much as he'd fight for his firearms. Naturally, mentioning the word "paranoia" to him only brings about an ....

 

 

[turboplanner]

...irresistable itch for some gun practice, and he preferred live practice on rabbits, and to get those he had to travel to South Gippsland, current rabbit capital of the world, and the farm with the most rabbits belonged to a member of this forum, Hy Hosland.  Hy was short for Hysterical, and that was the state he got into at the Captain's first shot, which is not surprising because the Captain insisted on using a Barrett M82A1 sniper rifle which had a cartridge which would turn any rabbit into powder, then go straight through Hy's pig shed, into the town of Maffra and out the other side. To make matters worse the first bang was so loud that Hy would soil his pants every time. However, there is an upside to this story; Hosland is actually an old Viking name, and when they were upset, they didn't mess around, and soon enough, Hy...............

 

[onetrack]

.... had produced his ancient family Viking war shield and spear, handed down 12 generations, and used in every Viking war, right through to the battle of Moorabbin. Not many people know about the Viking descendants in Australia who launched an attack on Moorabbin in 1969, trying to carry out pillage, plunder and rape. However, the laid-back residents of Moorabbin merely reacted by handing over the keys to their beer fridges and Kingswoods and declined to fight, because basically they were largely dope-smoking peaceniks who were on the side of the Commies during the Vietnam War. Their women were a pushover, as they threw themselves on the Viking descendants, eager for some new conquests, as they'd already screwed most of the willing male Melbourne population at least four times over. As a result, the Viking attack on Moorabbin turned into a farce as they went home full of beer and dope, with all their energies drained by the female population of the area, who had competitions between themselves as to how many Viking descendants they could bed each week. Meantimes, the Rat had discovered an ideal area to relocate to, to see out the coming ARMageddon when all the gun owners barricaded themselves into their fortified seatainers against the combined might of Border Force, CASA (avref), Police, Transit Patrollers, and anyone else with Official Authority, all designed to take away their hard-won freedoms - and their firearms. The ideal spot to relocate to, the Rat found, was Moe. No-one ever noticed anything odd happening in Moe, because one half of Moe was doped out of their collective minds, while the other half was spending all their time arranging new shipments of drugs, and laundering the money from drug dealing, via the most devious methods possible. The Rat was delighted to find a place like this, he could build a bigger and better underground bunker against the coming ARMageddon, and no-one would notice a thing. However, there was ...

 

 

[Captain]

As evidenced by the hundreds of PM's received from fans of the NES, your delightful Captain has been sorely missed while he has been getting over the below the belt …… or below the cassock …. reference to him, by Turdhead, as George Pell, not because it contains "fiddling" connotations, but because Cappy is an agnostic and this slur might mean that he needs to attend high Mass tomorrow, when Cappy was intending to go flying. The main delay was also caused by the issues around obtaining legal advice about taking action against Turbo and obtaining all his details for the subpoena. "It's not worth it" said the QC "As Tubb will just run is usual non-compus defence and he'll walk again. Nobody in Mextoria or in Melbournistan will ever convict this Premier".

 

Then Cappy remembered his mum regaling him about their Viking heritage, so Onetrick's post touched the spot (a bit like George might have) and below in the 1st pic is a shot of Cappy's viking birthmark, and below that is a candid of the Skipper at dinner last night.

 

Onetrick was impressed and almost …………..

 

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

.....crapped himself with excitement when he saw that helmet with the bull’s horns on it. Knowing that Turbo had vast contacts all over the world he phoned up and said: “I have to have one ; I’ll pay any price!” “won’t cost you anything” replied Turbo “In fact, as a Viking, you’re REQUIRED not to pay for it.” The Captain almost swooned. The procedure was identical to the ScottIsh ritual. When the Vikings invaded Scotland Turbo explained” they killed our men, then went through the women, then started on the bulls.  I have a big Angus Bull in the paddock and I’m required to give you a skimming knife and a saw.” “Are they big enough to kill a b b b bull?” quavered Captain. “No” replied Turbo, you have to kill him with your bare hands”  Tears started to flow, and Turbo’s gaze fell on his slight frame, skin lesions, and tiny arms. “I’ll help you” he said. “I’ll walk up and attract his attention, and you run in from behind and kick him in the balls. That’ll give us enough time to twist his head around and choke the bastard.”  

 

Now one would think Turbo’s instructions were clear and unambiguous, but just as he had attracted the bull’s attention and it was snorting and pawing up clouds of dirt.......

 

 

[onetrack]

.... a DH.60 Moth flew into view, and the Captain was totally distracted from his job of kicking the bull in the balls. "Oooh!! Look!! A Moth!! How fantastic!! I wonder if I could wave him down and bum a ride!?

 

Naturally, by this stage, the bull had started on his head-down tossing run, and fortunately, the Captain never knew what hit him as he followed the flight path of the Moth. "Wham!!" And the Captain went straight over the fence, landing head-first in the roadside ditch.

 

Now, anyone else would have been seriously injured - but not the Captain, No Sir! He'd endured a lot worse than that - mostly by getting thrown out of seedy bars in red-light districts, so he'd had plenty of experience in landing head-first, after getting tossed a considerable distance.

 

He sat up and yelled some mild abuse in the direction of the bull, in his mildly-concussed state, thinking it was bouncers that had thrown him. But the Bull had departed the scene, and was last seen chasing Turgid instead, who was making tracks at a speed that would put Kipchoge to shame. Next minute, Hy Hosland landed in the bulls paddock in his replica 1923 Parnall Pixie, which he'd scratch-built from 3 fuzzy photos and a set of sketches, reputedly originals, that he'd procured at a Sothebys auction. As he set down with a series of bumps and bounces ...

 

 

[turboplanner]

......"I'll save you Hi Ho, yelled Turbo as he ran past"

 

"What from replied Hi Ho wiping the oil from his googles"

 

The goggles arced high in the air as the bull connected; he now had three targets and was snorting loudly, when......

 

 

[Captain]

......"I'll save you Hi Ho, yelled Turbo as he ran past"

 

"What from replied Hi Ho wiping the oil from his googles"

 

The goggles arced high in the air as the bull connected; he now had three targets and was snorting loudly, when......

 

...... from up in the holding (and cuddling) paddock came 2 particularly attractive heifers.

 

The bull considered his options.

 

"Should I continue tossing off HidyHody?" he thought "Or should I saunter over and show those 2 heifers my .....